Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (33 page)

Franklin Delano Romanowski, better known as FDR, is a hot dog street vender.  In 1995, Kramer nailed FDR with an ice-ball in the back of the head so two years later FDR uses a birthday wish to portend that Kramer would drop dead.  After they exchange superstitions, the curse is removed in exchange for FDR throwing a rock-laced ice-ball at Kramer's face.

Lomez vacations in the Everglades, and once traded a steak for Kramer's stereo.  When he had a problem with a neighbor's alarm clock constantly ringing every morning, he blew the apartment's electrical circuit.  However, the neighbor's automatic food dispenser became inoperable so the cat began starving and incessantly meowing.  Eventually Lomez had to check into a hotel to avoid the interminable pangs of hunger, and he could not return until the cat died.

As an Orthodox Jew, Lomez also organizes Jewish Singles Night.  In one instance, Kramer organizes the event at The Knights of Columbus and prepares all the food himself.  He receives 183 acceptances, and has to solicit the culinary assistance of Frank Costanza to prepare the cuisine.

Slippery Pete, a rogue electrician, is a former friend.  Their relationship dissolves after Kramer signs for, and begins making out with, Pete's mail-order bride.

Kramer's favorite herbalist and holistic healer is Tor Ackman, who spent time in jail for the unauthorized practice of medicine.  According to Kramer, the medical establishment tried to frame Tor because he is a rebel.

The Soup Nazi befriends Kramer because he is the only person who understands that the restaurateur suffers for his soup, demands perfection from himself and his soup, and cannot tolerate anything less from his customers.

Kramer is introduced to Brody while playing pachinko with Corky Ramirez, who lives on 94th Street.  Brody's occupation is selling bootleg copies of premiere showings or newly-released movies.  In one instance, he brandishes a gun to persuade Jerry to film
Death Blow
.  Jerry is complimented on the exquisite craftsmanship, while Brody is enchanted by the incomparable work.

Dwayne owns J & T Optical, located at 51 Columbus Avenue.  Kramer helped him overcome an addiction to sugar in 1993.  When Dwayne was at Dinky Doughnuts all hopped-up on cinnamon swirls, Kramer took him to Joe's Fruit stand, and began shoving cantaloupe down his throat.  Without Kramer's assistance, Dwayne would be toothless.

Former baseball player Steve Gendason was Kramer's golfing companion until an incident irreparably changed their relationship.  On the 15th hole at Van Cortland Golf Course, Gendason picked up his golf ball from the green to clean it.  Kramer adds a penalty stroke, and Gendason went ballistic.  Later that day Gendason and Bobby Pinkus, owner of Royal Cleaners at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue, argue over a stain in a pair of gray Sansabelt slacks.  Kramer believes the penalty stroke may have driven Gendason to kill Pinkus, who is found with a golf tee protruding from his body.  A warrant is issued for Gendason's arrest, which commences a slow-speed chase down the New Jersey Turnpike in a white Ford Bronco with Kramer as the driver (this scene was a parody of the 1994 arrest of O.J. Simpson for the alleged murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman).

Joe Davola is a writer attempting to persuade NBC into accepting one of his scripts.  He is skilled in the art of karate, and has a chemical imbalance that requires prescription medication to control his violent tendencies.  He has regular psychotherapy sessions with Dr. Reston (Elaine’s ex-boyfriend).  In one incident, Davola is so upset about being excluded from Kramer's party, he karate-kicks Kramer in the head.  In another incident, he threatens to put the kibosh on Jerry Seinfeld.

Michael and Carol were tenants in Kramer's building before moving to East Hampton in a house built by Mark Farbman.  They have two children, and the youngest (Adam) resembles Lyndon Johnson.  The parents are unrelenting in their efforts to convince Kramer to visit their newborn, and soon regret the invitation when he clumsily injured the infant.

As a man of the world, Kramer has a plethora of other friends and acquaintances, and here is a list of a few: Jay Riemenschneider eats horse all the time; Clyde is a backup musician to Elaine's boyfriend John Germaine; Stubs owns Collectors Universe, a memorabilia store located at 124 E. 40th Street; a magician entrusted Kramer to care for finicky doves that have different diets; Bob Cobb, a conductor for the Policeman's Association Benevolent Orchestra, who once had a gig at the Queens Convalescent Center, insists upon being called Maestro; Stan and Myra asked Kramer to be the godparent to their newborn son, Steven; Pete works at a ticket agency and offered Kramer tickets to a Metallica concert; Inspector is a man of irony: he is a minimalist and has no personal belongings, yet never dates a woman under 250 pounds; Lou works as a police composite artist; Doug is a police officer who gave Kramer official police caution tape; and Len Nicodemo had gout so Kramer moved into his hospital room for three days until his condition improved.

Automobiles

In 1991 Kramer owned a 4-door convertible Ford LTD with the top permanently down (even in the winter), and while living in California, he owned an older model, 2-seat convertible sports car.  Thereafter, Kramer purchased a 4-door, 1970s Chevy Impala with bench seats, broken heater, no air conditioning, and a missing steering wheel.  The vehicle has a car phone, and the novelty license plates "ASSMAN."  Until returning the plates to a proctologist, Kramer received propositions from women with sizeable derrière proportions, such as 36-24-46.  The car is stored in the Jiffy Park lot.

Kramer is a front-first parker and believes in the death penalty for double-parkers.  Although a conscientious parker, Kramer is a scofflaw and owes thousands of dollars in overdue fines for speeding, no registration, running a red light, no plates, no brake lights, no license, no rearview mirror, and no doors (he challenged the validity of that one).

Kramer borrows Jerry's car to purchase groceries, and when he runs out of storage space in the trunk and interior, Kramer places groceries under the hood--crab legs, soda, cheese, and muffins.  Jerry nearly sucked a muffin down the carburetor.

Lawsuits

After spilling café latte on his lap, Kramer retained Jackie Chiles, an attorney with 20-25 years experience, and sued Java World for serving their coffee too hot and using defective covers.  Settlement negotiations appeared tenuous when a Chinese balm healed his burned stomach.  Java World considered offering $50,000, but Kramer accepted a lifetime supply of Java World coffee at any of their stores in North America and Europe.  (This case parodies an actual lawsuit involving a motorist spilling McDonald's coffee on her lap.)

A litigation windfall reappeared less than four months later when Kramer was distracted by Sue Ellen Mischke walking down the street wearing only a bra and blazer.  Kramer crashed George's car and sued Mischke for being an attractive nuisance.  This time Kramer lost the case by asking Mischke to wear the bra exhibit, and it did not fit.  (This is a parody of the bloody glove exhibit in the O.J. Simpson murder trial.)

After converting his apartment to a smoking room, Kramer's face resembled an old catcher's mitt--crinkly and craggily with tobacco-stained teeth.  Kramer experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours, and hired Jackie Chiles to sue the tobacco companies.  Jackie described Kramer as a horrible, twisted freak; a goblin after four days of exposure to smoke, who would soon become nothing more than a shrunken head.  Kramer privately negotiated a settlement where he became the Marlboro Man on New York City's most famous billboard.  Thereafter, Jackie Chiles received a restraining order preventing Kramer from coming within 200 feet of his office.

The final jewel in Jackie Chiles' legal representation of Kramer came in May 1998, as defense counsel on a charge of criminal indifference for failing to provide assistance to a crime victim.  A parade of witnesses condemned Kramer and the gang (Jerry, George and Elaine) for their prior inhumane conduct.  Despite an award-winning performance, Jackie lost another case, and Kramer was imprisoned for one year.

Clumsiness

While observing Roy's splenectomy from the viewing gallery, Kramer was eating Junior Mints and insisted upon Jerry eating one.  Jerry shoved Kramer's hand and the mint sailed into the patient's surgical incision.

While visiting Susan Ross' family cabin, Kramer placed a lit cigar on the mantle before heading to the beach for a swim.  The stogie fell, ignited a few newspapers, and flames engulfed the cabin.

Considering the number of times Kramer was hit in the head, it is not surprising that he is a little quirky.  He was hit in the head with a foul ball at Yankee Stadium, which caused him to confuse names, i.e., referring to Elaine as Carol, and George as Mike; Joe Davola karate-kicked Kramer in the head, and even though Kramer was wearing a motorcycle helmet, he was acting more peculiar than usual; and while living in the village he was hit in the head by an air conditioner, which affected his memory.

Medical History

At one time, Kramer was constipated and nothing would facilitate peristalsis, not even 40%, 50%, and 100% bran.  When Jerry suggested an apparatus, Kramer balked because he did not want to insert anything in that area.  Eventually he opted for the big E, and enjoyed the wet-n-wild ride.

Despite seeing the sign, "Fumigation Do Not Enter" with a skull and cross bones, Kramer infiltrated Jerry's apartment.  He thought it was a message to prevent Jerry's parents from entering while he was entertaining a girl.  Kramer became enthralled with a manuscript, and breathed toxic fumes for an hour and a half.  He lost his sense of taste and missed the delightful taste of the Mackinaw peach.

After being kicked in the head by Joe Davola, Kramer began acting strange: only shaving the right side of his face, wearing one pant leg, shouting "Yo-Yo Ma," speaking Italian, and experiencing memory loss.  In another strange occurrence, the sound of "Entertainment Tonight" host Mary Hart's voice caused Kramer to experience seizures.

Although Kramer is not bothered by the thought of death, the movie
The Other Side of Darkness
, prompted him to draft the following living will:

"I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie
The Other Side of Darkness
and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung blower, etc., etc., etc."

Kramer wants to die with dignity, and does not want to be a vegetable--he just wants out.  Kramer wants "man's best friend" to be inscribed on his tombstone.

Kramer consulted with attorney Guy Shellbach and selected Elaine as the executor because she is a calculating, cold-hearted business woman and when there is dirty work to be done, she does not mind stepping on a few throats.  However, after watching the end of the movie, Kramer realized that some comas are reversible, and wanted to nullify the living will before Elaine pulled the plug.  Kramer would give a guy 24 hours to snap out of a coma, otherwise all his possessions are up for grabs--car, clothes, girlfriend, etc.

Kramer received a 90 in biology and believes that a person should eat at least 24 hours before surgery because they need their strength.  Kramer does not believe in medical doctors; instead, for routine surgery he recommends herbalist Tor Ackman; and once, for a severe cough, he found a dog with comparable symptoms and consulted a veterinarian.  Kramer preferred a veterinarian over a medical doctor because they have to cure a lizard, chicken, pig and frog all on the same day.  The animal medicine caused panting and loss of fur, and Kramer soon acquired canine characteristics.

Kramer only takes cold showers, and when the building superintendent installed low-flow showerheads, he felt weak and ineffectual, and was forced to take his first bath.  (However, one year prior he was observed taking a bath in Jerry's apartment.)  Kramer hates sitting in a tepid pool of his own filth with all kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around him.  In contrast, Kramer loved the hot tub because it was super-heated and nothing could live in it, except the Kramer organism.  Eventually, Kramer purchased a black market showerhead from the former Yugoslavia--the Serbs are fanatic about their showers--and installed the Commando 450, a showerhead used on circus elephants.

Kramer takes lengthy showers and wanted to reduce his bathing time.  When he trimmed the shower to 27 minutes, he was unable to effectively rinse, so he took showering tips from Jerry and watched men showering in the health club.  Soon Kramer realized that he
wanted
to spend time in the shower so he purchased a waterproof phone, and began conducting all of his activities in the shower--brushing his teeth, shaving, ordering clothes, washing dishes, and, after installing a garbage disposal in the shower, preparing meals.

During a hospital visit, Kramer accidentally entered room 1937 and discovered a pigman, approximately 5'0," hairless, with a pink complexion.  Kramer believed the government had been engaging in pigman experimentation since the 1950s and that the hospital recently received a grant for DNA research to create an army of pig warriors for the military and government.  He performed a civic duty by helping the pigman escape, who was later revealed as a psychiatric patient who stole George's automobile.

Relationship Thoughts

The following represents a few of Kramer's thoughts on dating and romantic relationships: weddings are a great place to meet chicks; marriage and family are man-made prisons (though he and Elaine have a standing engagement--if neither one is married by the year 2044, they will get hitched); he digs Asian women and loves women with natural beauty--no makeup; and there is nothing more pathetic than a grown man being afraid of a woman, like George's fear of Susan.

Romantic Relationships