Selby Scrambled (15 page)

‘This is beginning to make me feel very uneasy,’ Selby thought. ‘I wish this guy would just get out of here.’

Suddenly Mrs Trifle looked at her watch.

‘Look at the time!’ she exclaimed. ‘Drop your things in the spare bedroom. You’re due at Bogusville Primary School in five minutes.’

Which isn’t their real name. (Are you with me?)

‘Thanks for reminding me,’ Duncan said. ‘Oh, and could I take Selby with me?’

‘Selby? Certainly — but why?’

‘I’m going to pretend to the kids that he’s the real Selby,’ Duncan said. ‘Besides, they’ll be much more interested in seeing a real live dog than a real live author.’

‘Oh, no,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m going to have to be
super-duper
extra-especially careful.’

Duncan read Selby stories to the children all afternoon while Selby sat on a chair beside him.

‘Selby here rings me up and tells me these stories,’ Duncan said, ‘and I just write them down. He says that he can’t write them because he’s a very slow typist. But, just between you and me,’ Duncan added, looking over at Selby, ‘he’s a pathetic storyteller. I have to rewrite the stories to make them better. And I try to make them funnier, too. Selby can be a bit too serious.’

‘He’s smiling at me,’ Selby thought. ‘Everyone’s looking at me. I’ll just pretend I don’t notice.’

‘Is he really Selby, the talking dog?’ a girl asked.

‘I don’t really know,’ Duncan answered. ‘He could be. Or maybe the real Selby is your dog.’

‘But my dog is a girl-dog.’

‘Selby could be a girl-dog. He made up the name Selby so that no one could find him. He also made up the name of the town he lives in and the names of his owners. So maybe he made up the fact that he’s a boy-dog. Quite frankly, I can’t tell when I talk to him on the phone if he’s a girl-dog or a boy-dog. By the way, if any of you want to know if your dog is the real Selby all you have to do is remember the Seven Warning Signs of a Talking Dog.
Look for these things:

1. Reading material lying open near him.

2. His eyes secretly watching TV.

3. Look for a tiny smile on his lips when someone says something funny.

4. Cake crumbs on the chin are a dead giveaway.

5. If it’s raining outside and he comes in with clean feet it means that he’s wiped them on the mat.

6. His collar: see if it’s worn out from being taken off all the time when no one’s watching.

7. And look for an ear shooting up to hear what’s being said in another room.’

That evening, after dinner, Duncan took Selby for a walk. And as the two of them walked along the back roads of Bogusville, Duncan talked and talked.

‘I’m going to hate to leave this town tomorrow, Selby,’ he said. ‘You’re so lucky to live here. And you’re so lucky to be with the Trifles. They’re great. You must have the perfect life.’

‘I do,’ Selby thought. ‘I do.’

‘I don’t know about being an author,’ Duncan said. ‘I mean it’s okay but I’m getting tired of Selby’s stories. I think I’ll write my own from now on.’

‘What is he on about?’ Selby thought. ‘When’s the last time
he
walked up a glass building? When was
he
ever in a ship that hit an iceberg? When was
he
ever hunted by an Evil Genius? He can’t come up with stories like that!’

‘I mean sometimes I think I’m wasting my talent on stories about a talking dog,’ Duncan continued. ‘I could be writing intelligent books, books for grown-ups. I mean, honestly, some of
the stories he tells me are so far-fetched that no one would believe them.’

‘Oh, please,’ Selby thought. ‘Give me a break. This guy’s head’s as big as a watermelon. It’s a wonder he can stand up straight.’

Duncan and Selby took a shortcut across a field and were about to cross a road.

‘Careful,’ Duncan said, ‘car coming.’

Selby looked around. There was no car coming. In fact, there was no car anywhere in sight. Then he noticed that Duncan was smiling.

‘Gotcha!’ Duncan said. ‘It’s you, isn’t it, Selby? You’re the real Selby!’

Silence.

‘You understood just what I said. You turned your head.’

More silence.

‘Come on, I know it’s you.’

Still more silence.

‘It’s not going to do you any good to play dumb,’ Duncan said. ‘You gave yourself away.’

‘Okay, okay,’ Selby blurted out. ‘You caught me. I was afraid this would happen. Why did you suspect me? Was it because of the crumbs on my chin from Mrs Trifle’s leftover birthday cake?’

‘No.’

‘Is it because my collar is worn from me taking it off all the time when no one’s looking?’

‘No.’

‘Because I smiled when you told those jokes?’

‘No.’

‘Could you tell I was angry when you said you could tell better stories than me?’

‘Nope.’

‘Then how did you know?’

‘I didn’t. I just guessed. I’ve been to hundreds and hundreds of country towns and I’ve been with hundreds and hundreds of dogs. I often try to trick them. But you’re the first dog that’s fallen into my trap.’

‘Oh,’ Selby said. ‘So now are you going to tell everyone?’

‘Nope.’

‘You’re not? Why not?’

‘If I tell people about you,’ Duncan said, ‘then they’ll come looking for you. And they’ll find you. And you’ll become a major celebrity and everyone will forget about my books. Why read a book about a talking dog when you can talk to a real live talking dog?’

‘You’ve got a point,’ Selby said. ‘So I want you to keep your secret a secret for as long as you can,’ Duncan said. ‘If you don’t, then it’ll ruin my life forever.’

‘So you still want to write my stories?’ ‘Of course. What else would I write about? Nothing exciting ever happens to me,’ Duncan said. ‘You keep ringing me and I’ll keep writing. Is it a deal?’

Selby put out his paw.

‘It’s a deal,’ Selby said, shaking Duncan’s hand. And then he added with a laugh, ‘All this time I was scared that you’d find me and you finally did. But everything’s okay. All the things I was scared of aren’t going to happen. This is truly unbelievable!’

Selby, the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world, is back in the snappiest collection of fur-raising and