Selby Snaps (13 page)

‘Yes. Is only bluff. Is only blanks in pistols. How you know?’

‘Because I could see that the swords and sabres were dull,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘They didn’t look like they would even cut butter.’

‘Yes, I keep zem very dull because zay are for practice,’ the fencing master said.

‘Struth,’ Selby thought. ‘I went to all that trouble to dull some swords that were already dull and to take a
blank
out of a gun? I can’t believe it!’

The tears were now streaming down Egon’s face.

‘No more teaching. No more looking for students and putting ads on the Internet. Is too stoopid life. Now I go back to Austria and maybe I work with my father again.’

‘What kind of work does he do?’

‘He is builder. He make walls and — how you call —’

‘Fences?’

‘Yes. I work wizz him when I am young.’

‘So you know how to fix fences?’

‘All kinds .Yes. I know everything about fences.’

‘You’re just the man we need,’ Dr Trifle exclaimed. ‘You could fix the council’s fences. We’ll pay you very well.’

‘Really?’ Egon said, breaking into a smile. ‘When I start?’

‘Let’s talk to my wife,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What a happy coincidence. As I often say, sometimes if you don’t do anything, everything works out okay.’

‘For once,’ Selby thought, ‘Dr Trifle is right.’

A SHORT POEM WITH A LONG TITLE
WRITTEN BY ME, SELBY TRIFLE. ONE MORNING
BY THE SWIMMING POOL
IN THE BACKYARD ON A SUMMER’S DAY
WHEN IT WAS VERY VERY EXTREMELY HOT
AND I REALLY WANTED TO GO FOR A DIP!
(BUT OF COURSE I COULDN’T)

I’m not a dog who’s fond of water
I can’t swim - but know I oughta.
All dogs are born programmed to swim
My program crashed –
I just can’t
win
!

‘They’re taking me with them on holidays to a tropical island!’ Selby thought. ‘I hate this part but it’ll be worth it when we get there.’

The part Selby hated was being locked in a small cage in the baggage compartment of the aeroplane. The part he was looking forward to was lying on a beach under a palm tree. He’d seen it all in the Trifles’ brochure about the dazzling new resort island of Sunseasia. On the cover was a picture of a man, lying in a beach chair wearing a crown and surrounded by waiters with trays of delicious food. It said, ‘Come to Sunseasia and be treated like a king’.

‘That’s me,’ thought Selby. ‘Just call me King Selby.’

The woman at the check-in counter put a sticker that said ‘Sunseasia’ on Selby’s cage while Dr and Mrs Trifle filled in a label.

‘Excuse me,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘but I’m not sure what to write. I’ve put our address on it and where we’re going but I’m not sure what to put in the blank that wants to know what he is.’

The woman looked in the cage.

‘He looks like a dog to me,’ she said.

‘Yes, I’ve written “dog” but they want to know what kind of dog he is. You see, he’s lots of kinds of dog all rolled into one. He’s not just one breed. Why does the airline need this information?’

‘In case he gets lost,’ the woman said.

‘Do you mean that Selby might get lost?’ Dr Trifle asked.

‘Lost, sheesh!’ Selby thought. ‘If I get lost I could miss my holiday. I don’t like the sound of this.’

‘I don’t mean
lost
lost,’ the woman explained. ‘It’s just that sometimes baggage gets
misplaced.
It almost always gets found again. But don’t worry, that usually only happens when you’re changing aeroplanes. Yours is a direct flight. Just write
Australian
on the form where it asked what kind of dog he is.’

In minutes Selby was on a long conveyor belt with a long line of backpacks and suitcases. Ahead, a couple of baggage handlers were grabbing them and throwing them onto trolleys.

‘Hey, Mack,’ one of the baggage handlers yelled. ‘Ever heard of Sunseasia?’

‘They must mean
Zunbeezia,’
he said. ‘Chuck it over here.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Sure I’m sure.’

‘What’s going on?!’ Selby squealed as he was loaded in the bottom of a huge jumbo. ‘We haven’t even left the airport yet and already they’ve lost me! Help! Let me out of here!’

Selby looked out through the holes in the cage but there was only darkness.

‘Crumbs! This gives me the willies,’ he thought as the plane took off. ‘Oh, well, there’s nothing I can do. I’ve just got to wait till I get there and get sent back.’

Selby drifted off to sleep and only awoke when the plane bounced to a stop.

Once again Selby and a pile of suitcases were wheeled across the runway. One by one, the suitcases were thrown onto a conveyor belt. They came out into a hall where people waited to grab their bags. Selby went round and round and then round and round some more until it finally stopped.

‘Great!’ Selby muttered. ‘They’ve closed the airport for the night! Now I’ve got to wait till tomorrow. Thanks a lot.’

No sooner were these last words out of Selby’s mouth than he saw two pairs of eyes peering into his cage.

‘Ooops! What if they heard me talk?’ he thought.

Outside two men whispered quickly to each other in a language that Selby didn’t understand. They looked at the tag then whispered some more. In a second they’d picked up the cage, left the airport, and were running through a rainforest.

‘They must have heard me!’ Selby thought. ‘I’m being dog-napped! Now they’re going to sell me or something!’

Selby tried to force the cage open but the lock was too strong.

‘Oh, woe woe woe, how did I get into this mess?!’

All night long Selby bounced along in the cage. As the sun rose he found himself in the middle of a circle of houses made of bark and leaves.

The two men talked in loud voices to all the people who gathered around. They pointed excitedly at the cage.

Suddenly one of the men yelled:

‘Nail-Art-Sua!’ and the crowd chanted ‘Nail-Art-Sua, Nail-Art-Sua, Nail-Art-
Sua’

‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ Selby thought. ‘But they seem to like me. Well you would like a talking dog if you’d never seen one before, wouldn’t you? Maybe they’ll open the cage and I can make a run for it.’

Two villagers appeared carrying a big iron pot filled with water. They pushed some wood under it and lit a fire.

‘Oh good, soup,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ll be in that.’

Selby watched as the water got warmer and warmer. A massive man with a band of feathers around his head stepped forward. Using an iron bar he broke the lock, opened the cage and pulled Selby out with one hand.

‘Nail-Art-Sua,’ he said, holding Selby over the pot.

‘Wait on,’ Selby thought. ‘They forgot to put the ingredients in the soup. What are they doing? Oh, no! I think
I’m
the ingredients!’

Suddenly Selby was plunged into the water.

‘Stop it!’ Selby yelled. ‘Don’t cook me! I’m Selby, the only talking dog in the world!’

‘Nail-Art-Sua,’ the crowd chanted, ‘Nail-Art-Sua.’

Selby went under the warm water and when he bobbed to the surface, the big man was rubbing him with soap.

‘Hey, this water isn’t hot,’ Selby said. ‘It’s only warm. What are you doing? Oh, I see what you’re doing! — you’re washing me! Then, you’re going to cook me, is that it?’

Selby was pulled from the pot and surrounded by people who dried him with pieces of cloth.

‘Can we talk this over?’ Selby asked. ‘Look, I can talk. I’m a talking dog. I must be worth stacks of money. You could sell me. Why don’t you just let me go and I’ll sell myself and send you the money?’

The big man carried Selby to a high wooden throne and sat him down. Two young girls put a crown of flowers on his head and then bowed.

‘God,’ they said. ‘Nail-Art-Sua. God-king.’

‘No, no, please,’ Selby said with a blush. ‘I’m not a god. It’s a natural mistake — anyone might make it — but I’m just an ordinary dog. Well sort of an ordinary dog. I talk, that’s all. It doesn’t make me a god. Crumbs!’ Selby
thought. ‘These people really think I’m a god and they’ve made me their king.’

The girls gave him a puzzled look.

‘No god?’ one of them said.

‘Ooooops, hang on. Yes, okay, I’m a god-king. Hey, you speak English.’

‘Leetle beet,’ the girl answered. ‘Ecin,’ she added pointing to herself.

‘Ecin?’ Selby said. ‘Is that your name?’

‘Yes, and Etuc,’ she said, pointing to the other girl. ‘Sister.’

‘Oh, so you’re sisters,’ Selby said. ‘Good to meet you.’

‘You eat now?’ Etuc asked.

‘Food? Are you kidding? What have you got? Never mind about that,’ Selby said. ‘Just bring everything you’ve got and I’ll eat it.’

For the next hour, Etuc, Ecin, the chief and the other villagers prepared a wonderful feast. There were things that Selby had never eaten before and there were vegetables that were so good they didn’t even taste like vegetables. Selby ate and ate and when he couldn’t eat any more the entertainment began. There were musicians with strange musical instruments, dancers,
jugglers and even a village clown who did fantastic acrobatics.