Read Selby Snaps Online

Authors: Duncan Ball

Selby Snaps (3 page)

BOOK: Selby Snaps
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‘Hi kids,’ Selby said, waving.

‘Hi mister doggy dog,’ a little girl answered. ‘Who are you?’

‘I’m a dog, that’s who I am.’ ‘Oh.’

Selby chuckled.

‘This is so much fun,’ he thought. ‘Nobody would ever guess that there’s a dog in here. Now for some goodies.’

Selby went up to a door and knocked.

‘Trick-or-treat,’ he said, when a woman came to the door.

The woman smiled and put a handful of lollies in his bag.

‘What a nice costume you have, little boy,’ she said. ‘Or are you a little girl?’

‘Neither,’ Selby answered. ‘I’m a dog. But I’m a boy dog.’

Ahead of him on the footpath Selby saw Bogusville’s two policemen — Sergeant Short and Constable Long.

‘It’s good that they’re out here keeping an eye on things,’ Selby thought. ‘Hello there,’ Selby said, waving as he passed.

‘Hello, little boy,’ Sergeant Short said.

‘I’m not a boy, I’m a boy dog,’ Selby said, ‘a
talking
boy dog.’

Selby chuckled again as he walked away.

‘This is great,’ he thought, ‘I’m telling everyone my secret and they don’t even believe me.’

Soon Selby’s bag was nearly filled with sweets.

‘This’ll keep me going,’ he thought. ‘There’s everything in there — Grizz-Bars, Choc-O-Rings, Spritzy Sprinkles and a couple of apples and oranges. I can always chuck those out. Hmmm. It’s not quite full. Maybe just one more house.’

Suddenly Selby saw them coming towards him — Willy and Billy.

‘Sheeeeeesh,’ Selby thought. ‘Those two give me the creeps. I’ll just walk by very quietly.’

Willy turned as Selby passed. Even through the hideous skeleton mask, Selby could sense Willy’s tiny brain slowly making its painful way from little thought to little thought. Suddenly
the boy raised his arm and pointed his finger at Selby.

‘Hey!’ Willy said. ‘I know you!’

‘No, you don’t,’ Selby said, hurrying on. ‘You’ve never seen me before in your life.’

‘Yes I have, you big liar!’ Willy squealed. ‘You were on that aeroplane with me!
Hey, Billy, there’s a dog in there! And he’s Auntie’s fuzzball fur-face doggie! And he can talk!’

‘Yeah, sure.’

‘It’s true! I’ll prove it!’

Selby broke into the best run he could manage in the bulky dog suit, but it was no match for a boy in a skeleton mask. Selby came crashing down with Willy wrapped around his hind legs.

‘Gotcha!’ Willy cried. ‘Now I’m going to pull your head off!’

‘Let me go, brat!’ Selby whispered.

‘Billy, he talked again! Help me pull his head off!’

Now both Willy and Billy were pulling at the head of Selby’s dog suit. Selby locked his front legs over the head but slowly the head began to lift and Selby could see Willy’s peering eyes looking into his.

‘I see you!’ Willy screamed. ‘Look, Billy!’

‘I can’t see him!’ Billy said. ‘Pull harder!’

Suddenly, just as Selby was losing the battle of the hand-held head, there was a voice from nearby.

‘Stop that you two!’

The boys let go and got to their feet. There, standing on the footpath, were the two policemen.

‘Leave that boy alone!’ Sergeant Short ordered.

‘He’s not a boy, he’s a dog!’ Willy said.

‘He’s a boy dog,’ said Sergeant Short. ‘A talking boy dog. We know, he just told us.’

The sergeant pulled Willy and Billy’s masks away from their faces for a moment and then let them go.

‘Aunt Jetty’s boys,’ he said. ‘Out for a bit of trouble, are we?’

‘There’s a real dog in there!’ Willy said, pointing to Selby.

Sergeant Short laughed.

‘Don’t be silly,’ he said. ‘Now leave him alone.’

‘You’re the silly-head!’ Willy said.

The two policemen looked at each other.

‘Excuse me but
what
did you call my friend here?’ Constable Long asked.

‘He’s a talking dog!’ Willy insisted. ‘Take his head off and see for yourself!’

‘Okay, kid, this is what I’m going to do,’ Constable Long said, grabbing the head of Selby’s dog suit and starting to pull it. ‘I’m going to show you that you’re wrong and then you’re going to tell him that you’re sorry.’

‘Please don’t do that,’ Selby whispered.

‘I just want to show him to shut him up,’ the constable said, pulling harder.

‘But-But you can’t do that,’ Selby said.

‘Why not?’

‘Because then he’ll see me.’

‘What’s wrong with that?’

‘He’ll pick on me at school,’ Selby said.

‘Good point. On your way, kids,’ the policeman said, lifting Selby up onto his hind legs again. ‘And if we catch you picking on anyone else, you’re off to the police station and your mother can come and get you. Do you understand?!’

Billy grabbed Willy by the elbow.

‘We won’t do anything,’ he said. ‘Come on, Willy!’

Billy pulled his brother away but Willy looked back at Selby.

‘Those kids are going to get me,’ Selby thought. ‘They’ll wait till the police go and then they’ll come looking for me. I know how their mini minds work.’

‘Are you okay now, little boy?’ Sergeant Short asked Selby.

‘I’m okay,’ Selby answered.

Selby started walking away in the opposite direction to Willy and Billy.

‘Aunt Jetty’s boys are up to their old tricks again,’ Selby heard Sergeant Short say. ‘And I would love to catch them doing something.’

‘I hope you do,’ Selby thought. ‘As for me, I’m getting out of this heavy suit so I can run if those little mongrels see me.’

Selby crept into some bushes and took off the dog suit.

‘I’ll leave it here and come back for it tomorrow,’ he thought. ‘Now to get back to the house and hide.’

Selby had just left the bushes when he heard the policemen’s voices again.

‘Look in there!’ Constable Long said. ‘That boy left the suit behind. He must have been afraid that those brats would find him and pick on him again.’

‘Hey, I’ve got an idea,’ Sergeant Short said. ‘Speaking of tricks, I think I have one for Aunt Jetty’s boys.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Just get into the suit.’

‘Why me? Why not you?’

‘Because you’re only a constable and I’m a sergeant so you have to do what I tell you to do.’

‘This I
have
to see,’ Selby thought.

And so it was that Constable Long, wearing Selby’s dog suit, strolled along the footpath, greeting all the trick-or-treaters. Meanwhile Sergeant Short followed at a safe distance behind and Selby followed at an even safer distance behind him.

Willy and Billy saw the dog suit.

‘It’s him!’ Willy cried as he broke into a run. ‘Let’s get him, Billy! It’s that stupy-face poo-head doggie!’

Willy and Billy ran towards the policeman, crash-tackling him to the ground.

‘Pull his head off, Billy!’ Willy squealed.

‘Cut it out, you morons!’ Constable Long yelled.

Just then the head of the dog suit flew off, revealing the smiling face of Constable Long.

‘Trick-or-treat,’ the constable said.

‘Uh-oh,’ said Billy.

‘Look, Billy,’ Willy said, ‘It’s a-a nice policeman.’

‘You’re right,’ Sergeant Short said very sweetly, picking the boys up by their collars. ‘And he’s going to give you a nice ride in a nice police car to a very nice police station. Then he’ll ring your mother and you can tell her how you got there.’

‘Oh, joy, oh, joy, oh happy day!’ Selby thought as the sergeant threw the boys in the back of the police car and Constable Long left Selby’s dog suit in the bushes. ‘And what a nice little treat this was for me.’

Paw note: I made a big big mistake by talking to Willy a couple of times. (Fortunately nobody believes him when he tells them I can talk.)

S

Paw note: For once, Willy was right. I was on a plane wearing my dog suit and he pulled the head bit up and saw me. It’s all in the story ‘Selby Flies the Smiling Skies’ in the book
Selby Screams.

S

DR TRIFLE’S TRAVELLING TOOT

‘If this new invention of mine takes off then no one will ever have to go to the toilet again,’ Dr Trifle announced.

Selby lay nearby watching as Mrs Trifle took a tray of her famous chocolate and vanilla biscuits out of the oven.

‘But everyone has to go to the toilet,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘I don’t mean that people won’t have to
go
to the toilet anymore,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What I’m saying is that now they have to go
to the toilet.’

‘You just said the same thing twice.’

‘No I didn’t.
Going
to the toilet is completely different to going
to the toilet.

‘There, you said it again,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But could we talk about this later? We’re due at the Bogusville Fair right now. I’ve got to be there to flag the winner of the Wacky Wheels Road Race.’

‘The wacky what?’

‘Wacky Wheels. Anything on wheels except cars,’ Mrs Trifle explained.

Dr Trifle sniffed the biscuits.

‘Yummy! ChocoVan biscuits. Why don’t you enter them in the pastry competition at the fair?’ he asked. ‘You’d win for sure.’

‘Don’t be silly — Melanie Mildew has made a huge pavlova shaped like Bogusville Town Hall,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She’ll win it for sure. Come to think of it, where’s Jetty? Her car’s broken down and she wants a lift with us.’

BOOK: Selby Snaps
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