Selby Sorcerer (4 page)

‘Hey, is this guy for real?’ Selby thought. ‘Is this a trick? Does he know that I know how to talk? Now he’s really making me nervous.’

‘How have you been feeling lately?’ the doctor went on. ‘I hear that you were trembling the other day. Tell me how you feel now. That’s what I’m here for.’

Selby lay still trying not to tremble.

‘Maybe he can read my mind,’ Selby thought. ‘Maybe he knows that I can talk. That’s it! He can see it in my eyes. He knows everything about me! Oh how I wish he wouldn’t look at me like that.’

‘Let’s start with why you’re here,’ the doctor said.

‘I’m here because Postie
brought
me here,’ Selby thought. ‘It wasn’t my choice. Oh, I hope I don’t fall asleep on this lounge and start to talk in my sleep or something.’

The doctor got up and started pacing around.

‘The real question isn’t what
you’re
doing here,’ the doctor said, ‘but what
I
am doing here? All those years of study and I’m talking to …to an animal.’

‘Oh, phew,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s ignoring me. He’s talking about himself. I guess I can relax. This lounge is really comfy.’

‘Don’t get me wrong, Selby, I do love animals. They’re much nicer than people. That’s why I became an animal shrink. But I do wonder if I’m really getting through to them. They always seem happier when I finish talking to them but maybe that’s because they’ve had a nice rest. What do you think, Selby?’

‘I think that if I lie here any longer I’m going to go to sleep,’ Selby said to himself. ‘That’s what I think.’

Dr Mindbender sat down and then swivelled his chair around to look out the window.

‘I don’t know, Selby,’ he sighed. ‘I guess it’s all my mother’s fault. I never got to watch the fun TV shows that other kids watched. She made me go to bed half an hour earlier than my friends. She didn’t let me wag school. Do you know what she used to say when I said I was too sick to go to school?’

‘I do wish he’d stop asking me questions,’ Selby thought.

‘Well, I’ll tell you. She used to say, “Just get dressed and you’ll feel a lot better, dear.” Then I’d get dressed and she’d say, “You’re all dressed for school. You might as well go.” It was a trick! And on my birthday, what did I get?’

‘Beats me,’ Selby thought.

‘Books, Selby, books! I asked for a computer action game,
Phantom Demon Blood Feud,
and I got a book about a talking dog named Selby.
I mean it was an okay book but
Phantom Demon
Blood Feud
would have been so much more fun.
Bam! Bam! Bam! Splatter! Splatter! Splatter!

‘It sounds okay to me, doc,’ Selby thought.

‘And I wanted a pet!’ the doctor wailed. ‘But no, she wouldn’t let me have a kitten or a puppy. She gave me an oyster
Selby. I said, “Why can’t I have a cuddly animal?!” I said, “When I hug Crusty I just get wet!” And she said, “Stop complaining, maybe your oyster will grow pearls. “Well it didn’t.’

Dr Mindbender jumped up and started pacing again.

‘
She
was the one who wanted me to be a people psychiatrist. Oh, Selby, do you know how exhausting it is listening to people’s problems?’

‘I think I’m beginning to get the idea,’ Selby thought.

‘So I changed to being an animal shrink. And I love animals but talking to them makes me feel kind of strange. I was talking to an orang-utan the other day,’ the doctor said, leaping up onto his desk. ‘And after him I was talking to a snake,’ he said, jumping down on the floor and wriggling like a snake. ‘By the end of the day I was so happy to talk to a cockatoo, Selby, do you know why?’

‘Why?’ Selby thought. (He didn’t say it. He only thought it.)

‘Because she kept saying, “Hello Cocky.” I liked that. “Hello Cocky.” She didn’t know what it meant of course but at least she said
something.
‘

‘This guy is really beginning to lose it,’ Selby thought.

‘Do you know what I’d like to be?’ the doctor said, opening the window and jumping up on the windowsill. ‘I’d like to be a bird.’

Dr Mindbender stretched out his arms.

‘Hey, hang on,’ Selby thought. ‘I hope he doesn’t think he’s really a bird.’

‘I’m a bird! I’m a bird! Watch me soar through the air,’ the doctor said.

‘You’ll be pretty sore if you go out that window,’ Selby thought. ‘We’re thirty storeys up.’

‘I’m going to watch the world from the top of a steeple. Watch me fly!’

A huge smile spread across the doctor’s face as he moved his arms up and down.

‘This guy’s about to try to fly!’ he thought. ‘I’ve got to stop him! But I can’t. But I have to.’

Selby jumped to his feet.

‘Stop it! You’re not a bird!’ he yelled. ‘You’re a psychiatrist!’

Dr Mindbender blinked and looked down at Selby.

‘Did you say something?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ Selby said. ‘I mean no.’

‘You did!’ the doctor said, getting down from the windowsill. ‘You talked to me.’

‘Are you sure it wasn’t all in your mind?’ Selby asked.

‘No, you can never be sure of that.’

‘Then it was — I mean
is
— all in your mind.’

‘Oh,’ the psychiatrist sighed. ‘What a disappointment. I thought I’d finally found an animal that I could have a conversation with.’

‘Well, you didn’t,’ Selby said. ‘Hey, why don’t
you
lie down on the lounge and let
me
ask
you
some questions for a change?’

Dr Mindbender did as Selby told him.

‘How are you feeling?’ Selby asked him.

‘A bit strange,’ the doctor answered.

‘Tell me this,’ Selby went on, ‘what would you really like to be doing right now?’

‘I think I’d like to be in my garden doing the three Ps.’

‘The three Ps?’

‘Planting, pruning and picking.’

‘So you like plants?’

‘I love plants — and animals.’

‘Why don’t you work with plants then?’ Selby asked.

‘That’s it!’ the doctor said, snapping his fingers. ‘I’ll be a plant psychiatrist!’

‘No, hang on,’ Selby said. ‘That’s not what I meant. Why not be a gardener?’

‘Do you mean actually working on other people’s gardens — for a living?’

‘Sure,’ Selby said. ‘Other people do it.’

‘That’s right — they do! What a great idea! I’m going to do it. Oh, how can I ever
thank you? — Even if you are just in my imagination.’

‘If you really want to thank me you can start by letting me go home,’ Selby said. ‘I think I’ve had enough shrinking for the day.’

‘Anything you say.’

The doctor opened the door and Selby trotted out to the waiting room.

‘How is he?’ Postie asked the doctor. ‘He looks a lot happier than when he went in.’

‘He’s fantastic!’ the doctor cried. ‘He is the most remarkable animal I’ve ever met. He changed my life!’

‘He did?’ Postie said.

‘Yes,’ the doctor said, pressing a wad of money into Postie’s hands. ‘I owe him this and much much more. Goodbye, goodbye. What a wonderful dog! Goodbye, goodbye.’

Postie watched as the doctor put on his hat and raced down the stairs.

‘Such an odd man,’ Postie said to Selby, ‘but a very happy man.’

‘Yes,’ thought Selby. ‘All he really needed was a good talking to!’

Selby had secretly phoned Gary Gaggs’ Gagg Bag telephone line while the Trifles were out and listened to hundreds of the comedian’s greatest jokes. Now he lay on the lounge room floor trying not to chuckle as the jokes popped back into his head.

‘That Gary is sooooooooo great!’ Selby thought. ‘There’s nothing like a few jokes to put me in a fantastic mood.’

Dr Trifle came into the lounge room, carrying a stack of papers and looking so serious that Selby had to look away so as not to burst out laughing.

‘I’m going to say some numbers,’ Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle. ‘Five, four, three, two, one. Could you tell me what comes next?’

‘Zero, I suppose,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘That’s correct. Here’s another question: Which animal has the highest intelligence?’

‘Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘I don’t have to think about it,’ Selby thought, as he struggled not to smile. ‘The answer is
dogs
— but only the ones who talk people-talk.’

‘I’ll say human beings,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Right again,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘What exactly are these questions for?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘They’re part of my new Kids’ Science Quiz. I was going to pass them out at the fete. Here, see how you go.’

Dr Trifle handed Mrs Trifle a piece of paper from the stack he was holding.

‘I want to get kids interested in Science and Maths,’ he said. ‘I’ve talked to the teachers at Bogusville Primary School and they like it. I’ll be the judge. You can hand out the prizes at Speech Day next week.’

‘Me?’

‘Yes, of course. You’re the mayor so it will make the whole thing much more important,’
Dr Trifle said. ‘Go ahead, read the next question.’

‘What is a caterpillar?
Everyone knows that. It’s a little green greebie that eats the herbs in my garden and then turns into a butterfly.’

‘I’m afraid I’d only give you half a mark for that,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘If you were in Year 1 I’d let you get away with your green greebie answer but you’re not. You should know that a caterpillar is a
larva
and that it’s just one stage in the metamorphosis from an egg to a butterfly or a moth.’

‘Larva? Metamorphosis?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Will kids know that?’

‘Some will. But this is a take-home quiz. They’re allowed to look up the answers,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Read the next one.’

‘Here goes:
You are on a bushwalk and your compass tells you that West is to your left and East is to your right. So what’s behind you?’
Mrs Trifle said. Suddenly she exclaimed, ‘My sister, Jetty!’

‘Jetty? Is she really behind you?’ Dr Trifle said, looking around.

‘Yes — I mean no — I just saw her outside. She and Willy and Billy are coming down the
path. I completely forgot that they’re coming with us to the school fete today.’