Selene of Alexandria (24 page)

Antonius broke off the kiss with a gasp and cradled her tightly against his chest. "I never should have done that. How can I be happy with Honoria when I want only you?"

With a strangled sob, he rushed off before Selene could utter a protest.

She sat, sorting through her tangled feelings. The memory of his body pressed to hers sent another flood of warmth coursing through her. A hot flush spread across her face. She pressed her forehead to the marble of the nook, momentarily distracting herself with the silky feel of stone against flesh. What a Gordian knot!

Antonius loved her.

She repeated the phrase over and over in her mind, chasing it in circles, coming to no conclusions other than to wonder at the fact.

Antonius loved her.

How could he? He had seen her with skinned knees and dirt on her face. He accused her of smelling like a chariot horse and acting like a donkey. He laughed at her, challenged her, beat her at javelin throws and been beaten by her in foot races. He kept her secrets and encouraged her dreams even when those dreams took her from him. Now it was too late. He would marry Honoria in two weeks.

Antonius loved her.

A deep sense of loss washed through her, making her breathing ragged with the effort not to cry. A dull pain spread from her chest to lodge in her throat. She dashed tears from her eyes and took a deep breath. Moments before, she had been blissfully unaware of her feelings, content with a scholar's life, planning her future as a physician. Now she cried like a silly twit of a girl who thinks life is over because she can't marry the boy of her choice. A fresh round of sobs racked her body.

"Selene? Is anything the matter, child?" She looked up to see Hypatia's worried face peeking around the screen of date leaves. "Are you ill? Are you having trouble with your studies?" Hypatia entered the alcove, seated herself beside Selene and patted her awkwardly on the back.

Selene gulped her tears and fumbled for a cloth to wipe her nose. "It's nothing, Honored Teacher. Do not bother yourself."

"I beg to differ, my dear. You are the only girl currently taking public instruction – at my sponsorship. If something is wrong, I should know." A twinkle came to her eyes. "Besides, I spend my entire professional life surrounded by men – academics, politicians, students. It's pleasant to have the company and conversation of an intelligent woman."

Selene, flattered at being accorded such familiarity with the famous philosopher, was almost giddy with the highs and lows of her emotions. But, most of all, she longed for the benefit of an older woman's advice and sympathy. "Thank you, Lady. I'm afraid my distress is a matter of the heart."

Hypatia's gazed narrowed. "Young Antonius?"

"Yes! How did you know?"

"He quit this alcove with most unseemly haste. And there are other signs for people with sharp eyes. He's betrothed to the corn factor Ision's daughter, is he not?"

"Honoria. Yes, she's a dear friend of mine and desperately in love with Antonius. He says he loves me, but must marry Honoria for his family's sake."

"And you, my dear? How do you feel about him?"

"I don't know. I want him to be happy. Of all the boys and men I've known, he is the only one I would even consider marrying. If I asked, he would run away with me. But his family would be ruined and Honoria devastated." Selene hesitated, looking off into the distance. "And I want to be a physician. I know I can be a good one. What should I do?"

Hypatia patted her hand. "I'm a poor one to ask advice of in matters of the heart." She tapped her head. "I've lived primarily up here. As a young woman, I occasionally had physical urges, but suppressed them. Philosophy is my life and my love."

"You've had no one to love you?"

"I didn't say that. I've had the love of many – a pure spiritual love." Hypatia's eyes took on a dreamy look. "Only one had the audacity to express physical love – a young man when I was quite new to teaching."

"What happened?"

"I treated him rather badly. He stood up in one of my lectures and declared his feelings in front of all my students. He praised me lavishly for my beauty. Most women would have been flattered. I was furious."

Selene tried to imagine her teacher a young woman suffused with passion and anger. In the face of Hypatia's age and serenity, her imagination failed. "What did you do?"

The older woman blushed. "I removed the bloody rag I used for my monthly courses and said, 'Is this what you love? This physical body? If so, your love for me is false, for the flesh is but a thing of fleeting beauty.'" Hypatia looked at her age-spotted hands. "The young man left the city, never to return. I was right in my philosophy, but wrong in my actions."

Selene's eyes rounded with wonderment. For Hypatia to publicly engage in such a shocking act seemed overly dramatic. Maybe her teacher was telling her the passions and follies of youth could be weathered. "Do you miss not having a husband and children?"

"I've known many men over the years. None could convince me to leave my calling, although many tried. Children?" Hypatia smiled. "I've had hundreds – eager young minds waiting for me to mold them. I've taught two generations and my children now fill positions of power and influence throughout the region. But that recognition is not why I teach. Philosophy and teaching is not only what I do, but is my very essence. Few are the people who rise each morning greeting the sun with prayers of thanks for their calling. Are you one of those, Selene?"

"I thought so. I'm not so sure now. I boasted about remaining husbandless and making my own way in the world. Now that perpetual maidenhood is likely, I feel lost and alone."

"A scholar's life is hard for a woman, but not all scholarly women are unmarried. Nor are all women physicians maidens. Pantheia made common cause with her physician husband Glycon, sharing not only a home but her life's work."

Selene looked up in surprise. Auxentius had told her about the Pergamon physician who died many years before Selene was born, but she had forgotten.

"I can only speak for myself and my choices." Hypatia continued. "You might make very different ones. My best advice is to listen to both your head and your heart. In my experience they frequently are more in agreement than it seems at first."

"Thank you, Honored Teacher." Selene stood and took the older woman's hands in hers. "I'll remember your words." She glanced over her shoulder. "I need to find my servant. She has suffered much on my account already."

"Good day, Selene. I'm sure you will make the right decision for everyone."

Selene looked for Rebecca at their appointed meeting place, next to a public kitchen. The tantalizing scent of fresh bread led her to the spot as surely as her eyes noted the landmarks. She spied Rebecca laughing and warding off Phillip's attempts to pop some tidbit into her mouth. Selene stood, observing the light in Phillip's eyes, the saucy tilt of Rebecca's head.

A flood of jealousy flashed through her. How dare Rebecca act that way toward her beloved brother? She was only a servant, and a Jewess! As quickly as it flowed, the acid torrent ebbed, leaving Selene shaken.

Rebecca turned and saw her in the crowd. Her smile faded to a look of concern. She hurried to Selene's side. "Are you feeling well, Selene? You're pale, as if you saw a spirit or felt faint."

Phillip arrived and took Selene's arm. Two hectic red spots appeared on her cheeks. "I think I suffer from the heat."

Phillip pointed down the street. "Let's repair to the Tychaion for a cooling drink." He ushered them into the former temple of the goddess of good fortune and seated them at a small corner table near a pillar. He sat with his back to the wall, Selene assumed so he could watch people coming and going.

Unlike other former temples which had been converted to churches, most of the Tychaion's statues and cult objects remained on display. Tyche herself presided over the room, clutching a rudder in one hand and a cornucopia in the other, a slight smile on her lips. An Egyptian modius, a basket for measuring grain, adorned her head. Selene's spirits lifted slightly. In spite of priestly disapproval, everyone she knew carried a good luck charm or whispered wards against evil. Tyche was a good omen. Maybe she would give them bounty and good fortune.

Phillip must have given a sign she missed; shortly after they all sat, a slatternly woman brought three goblets of watered wine. Selene found the vintage harsh. However, the coolness did soothe her fevered brain. Rebecca clucked over her like a mother hen, adjusting her robes, smoothing her hair.

"What?" Selene pulled herself out of a fog when she realized Phillip had asked her a question.

His look of annoyance was quickly replaced by concern. "Should I hire a litter to take you home?"

"No!" Selene straightened her back and took a closer look around. She was rarely out of touch with her physical environment. She took comfort in the feel of the smooth wooden benches and the acrid odor of unwashed bodies packed in too small a space. "I'm fine. It's just been an exhausting day. What brings you to the scholarly part of the city?"

"Hierex! His students among the philoponoi cause much trouble. I told you about that odious Pontine and what he did during my anatomy presentation."

"It's good to know what others think." Phillip watched the crowd. "The philosophers at the Museum are out of touch with the common people. Hierex speaks to the masses and he has a dangerous message."

"Hierex is subtle. He doesn't accuse the Prefect of wrongdoing, just of being weak-minded. I doubt Orestes will take immediate action. People preach on every street corner. If he locked up all, there would be no room in the jails. He will have to wait until a more compelling case can be made against Hierex."

"Hierex preaches that the Jews should be made to convert or leave the city. He also says powerful Jewish leaders have undue influence with Orestes."

"My people will take precautions." Rebecca sighed. "We have suffered this before and know how to defend ourselves."

"I'll tell Orestes. Things have been so peaceful since the Patriarch consolidated the Christians; I hate to see new disorders."

"Orestes needs to get Hierex off the streets," Selene muttered. She watched her brother and Rebecca through her lashes as she drank – the easiness of their conversation, the warm glances. A trickle of fear for her brother and Rebecca cut through her self-absorption. Selene thumped her empty flagon onto the table.

"Selene, are you ready to go?" Rebecca asked.

"Yes, I think I am quite recovered."

"Good." Phillip pushed back his bench. "Let's be off. Selene scandalizes the neighbors enough without rumors spreading that I brought her to a wine shop – and a pagan one at that!"

"Have you misplaced the good sense God gave you?" Selene rounded on her brother when they were alone after dinner.

"What are you blathering about, little sister?" Phillip examined his fingernails with a bored expression.

"I'm talking about spying for Orestes, roaming the streets in servant's garb, getting Rebecca involved." Selene crossed her arms and set her chin at a stubborn angle.

"You are not the only one in this family who can brave the streets of Alexandria in disguise." Phillip grinned.

Selene colored. "I only did that twice, and you or Antonius escorted me most of the time. Besides, we aren't talking about me. I'm worried, Phillip. I need you here. Nicaeus is gone and Father isn't well. If something happened to you, it would kill him."

"I doubt it," Phillip muttered, then looked up at Selene with a wicked grin. "And you, little sister? Would you mourn me?"

She stomped her foot and struck a dramatic pose, nose in the air. "I would curse you for a fool and hate you forever for leaving me alone."

"With Nicaeus gone, father dead and you cursing me, will there be no one in the house to remember me kindly?" Phillip pulled a mock-wistful face.

She looked at him from the corners of her eyes. "Rebecca might be foolish enough to mourn you, but not I." Relaxing, she turned serious again. "You do have feelings for her, don't you? You're not just taking advantage because she's a servant?"

Phillip looked stricken. "How could you think such a thing of me, Selene?"

"I had hoped you had not changed, but we've had so little time together since your return. You're always out, or we have company. I'm not sure I know you anymore."

He held out his arms. She slipped into his embrace.

"I have changed." He spoke into her hair. "Though Father might deny it, I've grown up. My actions may be those of a carefree youth, but they are for a purpose. I know too much, and with knowledge comes the obligation to act."

Selene smiled. When had she last foregone action in favor of contemplation? She hugged her brother fiercely. "I know. But please, take care. I don't want to lose you." She pulled a little away and poked him in the ribs. "And don't break Rebecca's heart or I will break your head."