Semper Fi (28 page)

Jim took a deep breath and blew it out. “It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change the world. We’ve been dreaming, Cal. Fooling ourselves. I let myself get swept up. I’ve been selfish, and it has to stop. My children have to come first.”

“I would never want to hurt them. I’ll miss them more than I ever thought I could.”

Panic flapped in Jim’s chest. “But you don’t have to leave. We could just go back to how it was before.”

Cal smiled sadly. “We can’t, and you know it.” He closed the distance between them, but stopped a foot away. “If it has to end, then I have to leave. I know you need help here, but school’s out, and maybe some of the older boys will want work.”

Jim clenched his hands, fighting the urge to reach out. “We’ve done most of the hard jobs now. The crop is growing, and I hire people for harvest. I’ll ask a few to start early. It’ll be fine. We’ll get by.”

“If you need anything—money, or anything else, just call. You have a phone now, after all.” Cal’s tone was teasing, but his eyes glistened.

Jim’s throat was painfully dry. “I owe you so much. My life.” Cal opened his mouth to say something, but Jim barreled on. “Not just on Okinawa. Here. You helped me see clearly for the first time. For so long I couldn’t—
wouldn’t
—admit my feelings. My…desires. They’re wrong, but at least I know them.”

Cal stepped closer. He was only inches away now. “I just want you to be happy.”

Jim swallowed thickly. “I have to do the right thing.”

Nodding, Cal moved away, but Jim reached for him, catching his lips in a fierce kiss. They pressed their mouths together as they gripped each other with fingers that would leave bruises. After several heartbeats, Cal broke the kiss and pushed away, stepping back out of Jim’s arms.

“Adam will wake up soon. You’d better get back. I’ll finish with Mabel and get packed. It shouldn’t take long.”

The panic returned, and Jim felt as if he was choking on it. “You don’t have to leave right away!” He cleared his throat. “Sophie’s sick, and we have to break it to her gently. Give her time. At least a day or two.”

It seemed as though Cal would argue, but after a moment, he relented. “All right. I’ll go tomorrow.” He forced a tight smile. “You’d better get back. I’ll finish up the chores.”

Jim shoved everything else he wanted to say way down deep and left the barn. This was the way it had to be. He repeated the words like a mantra as he went to check on the children.

Cal stood at the kitchen sink with the water running. He was dressed in his city clothes—slacks and a nice shirt, although when he turned Jim saw he wasn’t wearing a tie. Jim wanted to press him back against the counter, kiss him senseless, and tear off those fancy clothes.

After turning off the tap, Cal put his coffee cup on the counter. “I should be going.”

“Right.” Now that the moment had come, Jim couldn’t believe it would end like this. That Cal was going to walk out of the house, get in his car, and drive back to the city. That it would simply be over.

“It’s for the best.” Cal recited the words hollowly.

Jim nodded. “For the best.” If he took only a few steps, they could be in each other’s arms, yet it felt like miles separated them rather than several feet of scuffed linoleum. He cleared his throat. “She won’t come down.”

“It’s okay. I understand. Tell her goodbye for me.”

Jim could hear Adam outside, playing with Mrs. O’Brien. He took a step. “Cal…”

“Let’s not make this any harder.” Cal rubbed his face, looking as if he’d slept as little as Jim had. “There’s nothing else to say.”

All night, Jim had paced his room, his hand on the doorknob a hundred times to go to Cal. Then he remembered Sophie standing at the foot of the bed, lost and confused, and the shame burned him from the inside out. No. He had to get control of his desires. Should never have given in to them in the first place.

Yet watching Cal now, his hair slicked back the way it had been that night on the train to Parris Island, Jim didn’t care what the Bible or the law said. The urge to touch was overwhelming. He wanted to crush Cal to him and kiss until they couldn’t breathe. The sin was locked in his heart, pumping through his veins.

But he remained rooted to the spot, and no words escaped his lips. With eyes down, Cal brushed by him, and Jim reached out too late. His fingers only grasped air.

Outside, Cal kissed Mrs. O’Brien’s cheek and hugged Adam tightly. He lifted his suitcase into the trunk of the Cadillac, and it was really happening. He was leaving.

As Jim approached, Cal extended his hand. “I’ll see you.”

God,
would
he see Cal again? His head swimming, Jim took Cal’s hand, trying to ignore the flare that ignited his body. He had to believe this wasn’t the last time. “Thank you for everything.”

Their eyes locked, and Cal gripped his hand. Jim wanted more than anything to kiss him again. Just one more time. Instead he could only squeeze back.

“No!” Sophie’s face was red, and her hands were balled into fists as she stormed out of the house in her nightgown. “You can’t go!” Her eyes shone, and she dodged out of Jim’s reach, leveling Cal with a furious glare.

“Sweetie, we explained to you last night why Cal has to leave.” Jim reached for her again, but she squirmed away and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Sophie, I really wish I didn’t have to leave, but my father needs my help in the city. I’d give anything to be able to stay, but…sometimes things just don’t work out the way we’d like. I’ll send you presents every month,” Cal said.

“I don’t want your stupid presents! I want you to stay!”

“
Sophie
. That’s enough. Uncle Cal has to leave. Now say goodbye nicely.”

Mrs. O’Brien had Adam in her arms, and she gave Jim a sympathetic look before addressing Sophie. “I’m sure Uncle Cal will come back and visit, darling.”

Tears slipping down her cheeks, Sophie backed away. “I don’t want him to visit! I hate him.” She screamed at Cal, “I hate you!” Turning tail, she raced into the house. The screen door slammed behind her, bouncing off the wooden frame.

Before Jim could say a word, Cal had the car door open. “You’d better go after her.”

There was so much Jim wanted to tell him, but it was too late now as the Cadillac purred to life. Cal disappeared around the bend in the driveway, leaving only a faint cloud of dust in his wake.

“Hoo boy,” Joe exclaimed. “I sure wish someone had told me how many dames there are in Australia! Wouldn’t have wasted so much time playing around on Guadalcanal!”

Laughing, Cal waved to the people of Melbourne, who crowded along the railroad tracks, cheering. Beside him, Jim waved politely, and Cal elbowed Sully, who only watched silently with hollow eyes. Being in the hold of the transport ship in rough seas hadn’t helped Sully’s symptoms, but at least there’d be more medicine where they were going.

Soon they marched off the train and into a sports stadium. Pete snorted. “A football field? That’s the best they can do?”

“I think it’s a cricket ground, actually,” Jim noted.

“Cricket? Pansy-ass idea of a sport. Either way there’s no goddamn roof.” Pete grumbled to himself as they continued on inside.

The tiers of seats had been replaced with their bunks, and despite the open air, Cal stretched out happily. “Feels like luxury to me.”

Jim smiled from his rack nearby. “Now we just need a shower.”

“Do you ever.” Pete grinned.

“That’s an outrageous claim, Marine. Private First Class Bennett smells like roses on a summer morning. As do I, of course.” Cal grinned himself.

“Oh yeah, and I’m a bucket of fucking daisies.” Pete laughed.

They were given some of their back pay in Australian dollars—along with strict orders not to leave the cricket ground that night. As darkness set in, Cal nudged Jim’s arm. “Come on, Pistol found a way out.”

“But we’re not allowed to go.”

“What are they going to do? Throw us all in the brig? Who’s going to fight the Japs?”

Jim waved a hand at his uniform. “We’re filthy.”

“Who cares? This is our first night back in civilization in what, a year? Since I don’t count New River as civilization. We’re right downtown. We are seeing the sights, my friend.”

Even Sully perked up. “Think we can meet some girls? I’d sure like to meet a girl.”

“Damn right we’ll meet some girls,” Cal said, smiling.

Jim raised an eyebrow. “I’m married, in case you forgot.”

As if he could forget that. “You’re still coming for moral support.”

Off they went, along with half the men quartered in the stadium, and probably most of the officers too. The streets of Melbourne teemed with Marines and Australian women. The bars had closed at six, but a drunken corporal slurred that the hotel up the street was still serving.

They crowded into a booth and drank round after round. Jim stuck to beer, but it wasn’t long before he was flushed and loose limbed, his knee knocking into Cal’s beneath the table. Cal jammed his hand in his pocket so he wouldn’t reach for Jim’s thigh.

Back on the street, they ate meat pies and sang rousing choruses of any song they could think of. Soon they broke off to pursue the women giving them shy looks—or in some cases, rather bold glances. By an ice cream stand, Sully ogled a young brunette who giggled with her friends.

Joe swung his arm over Sully’s shoulders. “Go an’ buy her a treat. Maybe she’ll give ya one too.”

When Sully shambled off in her direction, Jim frowned. “We should take him back. He needs his sleep.”

“For fuck’s sake, Johnny, he hasn’t looked this good in months. Let the kid have some fun,” Pete muttered.

Cal cleared his throat. “As much as I hate to say it—seriously, don’t get used to it—Pistol’s right. Let him have a night out.”

“Have another drink, Johnny,” Joe drawled, brandishing the bottle he’d lifted from the hotel. He took a swig and passed it to Jim. “Jesus, lighten up.”

“Fine.” Jim grabbed the bottle and lifted it to his lips, gulping rapidly.

“Whoa, not too much.” Cal reached for it, but Jim ducked away.

“No, Joe’s right.” Grimacing, Jim took another swig. “I’m going to lighten up.”

“If you insist.” Trying not to worry, Cal fell into step as they left Sully and his girl behind.

It was long after midnight when they stumbled into a park and flopped down on the grass. Sprawled out, Pete snored loudly, while Joe sung slurred verses to himself as he sat against a tree. Jim dropped next to Cal, leaning on his hands with his legs splayed carelessly. He tilted his head back.

“There’s the Southern Cross.”

“Indeed it is. Nice seeing the stars again after all that rain and being holed up on the ship.”

Jim leaned closer, still looking up. His shoulder pressed against Cal’s. “What’s that one there?”

“I think it’s Canis Major. One of Orion’s hunting dogs.” Cal breathed deeply and closed his eyes for a moment, leaning back into Jim.

“Huh. Don’t see a dog.”

Cal opened his eyes. “No?”

Jim’s gaze was still locked on the night sky. “Nope. A bear maybe.”

“A bear? With a tail?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

Chuckling, Cal shrugged. “Sure. Okay. It’s a bear. Definitely.”