Separated @ Birth: A True Love Story of Twin Sisters Reunited (14 page)

The weekend before London, I ran around L.A. to rent camera equipment, get production insurance, and finalize last-minute travel plans. When things start to feel like they are out of control, organizing helps me get my head back into the game and makes me feel productive. My family was coming from different places, my parents and Matt from New Jersey, and Andrew was coming from Oregon. He had finished a tour of duty in Iraq with the U.S. Army, and he was studying fisheries and wildlife biology at Oregon State University. I was flying from L.A. earlier, but that didn’t keep me from fretting about the details of their arrival. I wanted everything to go absolutely perfectly.

The Sunday before we left was Mother’s Day, so of course I had to work! It’s a mandatory workday in the restaurant business, as it’s the most popular day of the year to eat out. In Beverly Hills, a lot of mothers are a bit self-centered, so if their food doesn’t come out right away or they can’t get
exactly what they want, then you’re doomed. In my opinion, they should be thankful for having families that want to spend time with them. I am beyond grateful for my mother and what she has done for me. And I was especially grateful for the support and love she was giving me now, as I was potentially finding a blood relative, a sister! My parents have surrounded me with nothing but love from the moment they received their first photo of me in the mail. I was in their hearts from the beginning, maybe before they even began the adoption process.

Besides all the things I had to do to get ready for London, everyone was calling and texting me, and I felt like all I wanted to do was crawl into bed with a bag of Lay’s baked sour cream and cheddar potato chips, watch some Science Channel, and take a big-ass nap. But I didn’t have time for that. I was in full “go/work” mode. I wasn’t nice to anyone, except Anaïs. When I would text her, she would inevitably make me happy. Being in a bad mood is so funny sometimes, except for the parties on the receiving end. I know it’s ridiculous, but I get in this mode where if people say anything I remotely disagree with, I can’t even look them in the eye for the rest of the day, and digging me out of that pissed-off hole can be challenging.

Luckily, I have the most amazing friends and family; they know when to deal with me, and when to leave me alone. That week, they pretty much stayed back before we left on the trip. Maybe they were scared of me having a mental breakdown, chopping off all my hair, and trashing the apartment, in true Hollywood meltdown style, or maybe it was all in my head. But they just kept everything positive and let me go into an organizational rampage.

Ryan was filming almost every moment up until we left.
If I was freaking out, he would just start filming and let me resolve everything myself. His job was to capture every important moment on camera, not to make me feel better. Sometimes, I appreciate someone just listening to me instead of telling me how I should be feeling. You cannot hide from the bad or hard things in life. Without the negative, there is no positive. There is such a balance in life, and sometimes things can get really difficult. What do I do to help myself? I organize everything! I vacuum and dust; I make my bed; I do small things to help me feel like I have at least a pinch of control. Besides, what use was there to get all wrapped up and have a “Samantha meltdown” and try to control everything?

By the day I left, Monday, May 13, I had done almost all of my tasks. I had a few more to complete during the course of the morning. So I woke up early, took a shower, did a video blog at my producer’s behest, got dressed, went to Burbank to drop off my production insurance check, picked up Kanoa, went to get lunch, brushed my teeth, put my toothbrush in my suitcase, and got everything into the car. Phew.

Now it was time for the trip to LAX, Los Angeles International Airport, and I was finally calm. I had Ryan, Kanoa, and Lisa with me, and it was time for me to just say: fuck it. Even if Anaïs and I were not twins, this would be a defining moment in my life. It was going to be the single most intense experience I would ever have. I was going to find, hopefully, my long-lost twin. Lindsay Lohan’s character had made it through the experience in
The Parent Trap
, and I could, too. And if I couldn’t? I didn’t want to imagine. And there was no use in trying to. And if Anaïs and I turned out to not be twins . . . then that would be even more insane.

At the airport, I was rolling my ugly-ass polka dot
suitcase toward the sliding glass doors, when I suddenly got fired up. I started dancing and jumping around. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I felt elated, extremely present in that very moment. I could even feel the air on my skin as the sweat started to form. I was going to meet my twin sister for the first time since we left the womb!

We checked our bags, exchanged some money, and headed to the duty-free shops, where I bought See’s candy for our new-to-be friends in London, and red wine for Anaïs’s parents. By the time we got to the gate, it was so crowded that we had to sit on the floor. I took out my iPod and started taking selfies of me, my ticket, Kanoa, Ryan making his video, everything. I couldn’t stop. The moment was of excitement, fear, and accomplishment all in one.

When we were called to board, it was time. I quickly texted Anaïs to let her know we were on the plane and about to take off. What I really wanted her to know was that I hadn’t changed my mind; I was still coming to see her. If I were Anaïs, I’d want that final text message right before takeoff. Otherwise, I know I would be freaking out, worrying that she had changed her mind, and that she didn’t really want to see me. At that point, I’d be so distraught at the disappointment and failure that I wouldn’t know what to do. I couldn’t let Anaïs start imagining the worst, so I let her know that everything was going as planned. Everyone getting on the flight sounded so British, which made sense but impressed me nevertheless. It made me giggle in the most immature, ignorant way possible. I stared out the window as beads of sweat started to form on my neck, armpits, and hands. My thoughts began to race. I was playing out the two scenarios in my head. The first would be if we weren’t twins. In that case, I would enjoy my time in London exploring the vast city with a short
but insane story to tell. If it turned out that we were twins, then I would spend the rest of my trip and the rest of my life exploring the realm of possibilities of finding my other half. Then the announcement came on. The cabin doors had closed and before I knew it, I could feel the plane rumbling underneath me. We were taking off. It was time, and there was no looking back. It reminded me of the time I went bungee jumping in New Zealand, standing on a ledge looking down 134 meters to the landing zone in what would be one of the most insane moments I’ll ever experience, especially being afraid of heights. I could feel my heart pounding in my body and my breath billowing through. I was only looking forward and had nothing left to do but jump.

london

The week before Sam arrived, I was freaking out. I couldn’t have been happier that I had contacted her and our plans to meet in person were getting closer, but I was plenty nervous. I still had my fashion show for my final project to put on, and that alone was overwhelming. Between Sam arriving, her parents and brothers coming, my parents coming, learning the results of the DNA test, and the fashion show, there was a lot going on. As crazy as it sounds, being this hectic was actually energizing.

May 13 was the most extraordinary day. Even when Sam’s plane was still in the air, I was delirious.
Do I feel something? Do I feel something?
I would keep saying, barely able to focus on anything but where she might be in her flight. As each hour passed, I’d think,
Okay, now she is closer.
We were bonded by invisible strings. There was a lot of wind that day, too, so I hoped there weren’t any delays. Sam finally texted to say her morning touchdown at London’s Heathrow Airport was eventful, but I couldn’t see her yet. The plan was well thought out in terms of where, when, and who was going to
be with us when we met for the first time, but we had both agreed it wasn’t going to be in such a public place as an airport. It was so exciting, though, knowing she was now on my side of the ocean, closer to me than ever.

I went to school in the morning as if it were any other day. The agenda was to attend morning classes, pick up my parents around noon, and meet Sam around three. I had invited my Korean friend Jennifer Lee to accompany me. I knew Sam had friends with her, and having someone with me would make our first meeting less scary. My parents had taken the Eurostar from Paris to London, arriving at Kings Cross around lunchtime, and Jennifer and I met them there to walk them over to their hotel.

After my parents put their luggage in the room, my dad headed to Piccadilly Arcade to visit his retail store. He liked checking in if he was in town. One thing about him, he was very hardworking and dedicated, and I appreciate that. Mum was going to come with me to meet Sam. I had been waiting for this moment ever since Kelsang had first sent me the YouTube video, and my mother deserved to share it with me.

Mum, Jennifer, and I headed for the bus that would take us to Old Street, where Sam and the documentary crew were staying in a flat they had rented in Shoreditch. Old Street was in the trendy, young part of town about thirty minutes southeast of Finsbury Park, where I lived. Sam’s parents and her two brothers would be staying at a small hotel in Islington, not too far away, but they weren’t arriving until Thursday.

Sam and I agreed that it would be too scary to be just the two of us at our first meeting, so the flat already had lots of people there as supportive friends on both sides. Sam had James, Ryan, and Kanoa—part of the crew but friends as
well; and Lisa, her flat mate; I had sent Marie, Lucas, and my friend Mátyás ahead of me, especially wanting Marie to scope Sam out, and I had Jen and Mum with me now.

On the bus, my mother was on a cloud and saying very little. I could see in her eyes she was somewhere else, like she was daydreaming. “I can’t believe this is really happening,” she kept repeating. I thought she would be stressed out or overly excited, but she wasn’t. “This is fun,” she said. “I can’t even comprehend that we are on our way to meet your possible twin sister.”

A few minutes into the ride, I got a text from Marie saying she was in place at the flat, and she had met Sam. I didn’t want to ask Marie too many questions about what she thought, because I didn’t want to have anybody else’s impressions influencing my own. The one question I asked was if seeing Sam had caused her to be emotional enough to actually cry. “Almost,” Marie informed me. She told me to hurry up and get there, as she was really excited and anxious.

We were late, of course. First, the bus was slow, and then we couldn’t find the flat. Old Street reminded me of Brooklyn, New York, with a lot of former warehouses turned into residential lofts, so finding the right building wasn’t easy. Finally, James, a producer of the documentary, came looking for us. I had met him the night before. He had flown in ahead of the rest of the group, and he had come to my flat to do some on-camera interviews with me. It had been a lot of fun. He was really nice, and it had been my first chance to be in front of the camera and express feelings I was having about Sam’s arrival. James had made me very comfortable with that.

I started to get really nervous as James led us into the building. Sam was so close, if I screamed her name, she
would be able to hear me. My heart was pounding in anticipation, as if she might jump out from a doorway and startle me. James was beaming as he encouraged me on. When I’d turn around to see how Mum was doing, she’d just smile her huge smile. She was so happy for me. James stopped at a massive door that led to the flat. I imagined everyone lurking behind it, almost like they were waiting for me at a surprise party. I was so nervous that I decided to get behind my mother and Jennifer and let them go in first. James slowly pushed the door open, as my anxiety piqued, but there was no one on the other side. It was just a large hallway, where there were other doors that actually led to living quarters. False start!

Now, without a doubt, everyone would be behind the next door waiting. My mischievous side got the better of me, and I decided I would have Jennifer enter first and pretend she was me. She was Korean, but she really didn’t look very much like me. Nobody would be expecting her, though, and while they would eventually catch on, I still thought it would be really funny. Plus, it would give me a few more seconds to compose myself, and I could spoil any tricks they may have had planned. I knew Sam was as capable as I was of crafting something. Being pranksters was something we had in common.

James opened the second door, and I nudged Jennifer in. For three seconds, there was nothing but silence. “This is Jennifer,” I finally heard James say, exposing my stunt double. What happened next was a blur. I might have pushed my mum in before me, but maybe she pushed me in. I knew Sam was in the room, but I couldn’t hear her saying anything, and I still didn’t know if she had a surprise entrance planned. I
had fantasized so much about this moment for so many months, but I had also had fleeting moments of fear wondering if we would be disappointed in each other. What if we weren’t that much alike after all? I usually dismissed those fears quickly. Sam and I Skyped every day, using our webcams, and we were most definitely alike. But would we hug?

Finally, I couldn’t delay any longer. I entered the room, and there was Sam. She was sitting in the corner on a three-foot-high carved golden elephant, part of the eclectic décor of the apartment. Everyone in the room was staring at both of us, silently waiting for us to have a reaction. I wasn’t even sure Sam was looking at me. She seemed like she was avoiding eye contact, instead looking at her friends. I wasn’t really looking at her, either. Finally, she stood up. OMG, was she short. I wondered if she was thinking the same thing about me.

The whole experience was so awkward and scary. Neither of us knew what to do next, so we just stood in the middle of the room, staring at each other, like two tiny dogs sniffing each other out. I was staring at my clone, looking at myself in the mirror, but my reflection was not doing what I was doing. At first, I couldn’t hear anything, not that people weren’t speaking, but I wasn’t processing their voices. Then I heard Jennifer’s voice. “Hug!” she was yelling. “Hug!” But neither Sam nor I moved. We were just paralyzed in observance of each other. Suddenly, I burst into uncontrollable giggles, and Sam started giggling, too.

Mum was just staring. She had tears in her eyes, and she looked stunned. In fact, I had never seen her this dazed. Usually in circumstances that were emotional, she was very expressive and animated. Now she appeared as paralyzed as Sam and me.

“No, you have to be twins,” she kept repeating.

I moved closer to Sam, then poked her in the head. I had to see if she was real. When I felt her skin, it was confirmed, but I still couldn’t look her in the eyes. I had always heard that if you look directly into your eyes in your reflection in the mirror, you might die, and Sam was my reflection. But it was weirder than that. When you looked in the mirror, you were seeing yourself in 2-D, and Sam was me in 3-D, a perspective of myself I had never seen before. She looked so much like me, I briefly thought I was in a near-death experience, when you leave your own body and see yourself dying. That was how out-of-body it was. I didn’t want to stare too long, but I couldn’t help myself.

By now, everyone was giggling. I don’t know how much time passed, but eventually everybody became a little more composed and social. I already knew James, and I recognized Ryan, Kanoa, and Lisa from our Skype time. Now Ryan was behind the camera and Kanoa and Lisa were sitting on the couch, staring and smiling. Kanoa was even more gorgeous in person than he was on webcam. Ryan was pretty cute, too. I tried my best to act naturally in front of Ryan and his video camera, but it was pretty hard, in light of the fact that this was the most incredible thing that had ever happened in my life. The same with Sam’s life, but she had been trained to be in front of the camera and seemed very comfortable. The ten people in the room with us really stayed in the background and allowed this to be our moment, but it still felt so public and awkward. We had buffered ourselves with a lot of people on purpose; the idea of being completely alone together was just too anxiety provoking. I was afraid that it might be awkward and we wouldn’t hit it off—or worse, we would have nothing to say to each other. Throughout the introductions,
Sam and I kept watching each other. So that’s what my nostrils look like, I thought. Sam had such small feet, too. I knew my feet were small, but seeing them on Sam, they looked freakishly small. We even had the same hair length, although Sam’s was parted farther to the side.

Everybody was starving, so after about a half hour, we decided to go to The Breakfast Club for pancakes. There were about six of these casual American-style cafés in London, but we went to the one on Hoxton Square, where Central Saint Martins students liked to eat and hang out. My friend Olya joined us there. I wanted to share my experience of meeting Sam with her, and she had been particularly curious.

The whole group stayed at the restaurant for a couple of hours. Sam and I were sometimes sitting next to each other, sometimes not, as everybody changed seats and moved around the table in order to optimize conversation. Although Sam and I tried not to be too obvious, we would often catch each other inventorying the other one’s looks. I couldn’t get enough of looking at her, still in disbelief. One thing for sure, Sam was pretty. I hoped I was as pretty as she! Both my friends and hers were really connecting, which added to the comfort level of the whole event.

After the laid-back afternoon at The Breakfast Club, my mother and most of my friends left for their hotels or flats. It had been tremendous fun, but Sam and I were exhausted and needed a nap before the second-most-important event of the day—Dr. Segal was scheduled to Skype us the results of the DNA test at ten p.m. London time. How strange that we agreed to take a nap together in the same bed. Actually, it wasn’t even awkward. It felt almost natural, completely normal. It was our first moment alone together, and how much more intimate could it have been? I mean, it was weird
to sleep next to someone I didn’t know, but in this case, Sam was the first person I had ever slept next to, even if it had been in the womb. So there were no reasons at all for this to be weird. We hopped into Sam’s bed and fell asleep straightaway, our unconscious minds processing the whole eventful day.

When we were both asleep, with no makeup, we looked so exactly the same that nobody could tell us apart. Under the covers, our clothes weren’t visible, so there was nothing to distinguish us. We were probably moving in our sleep at the same time, and lying in the same positions. Maybe this was our way of resuming our story where it all started—twins in the womb. We were resuming our life together, waking up with no fear of being separated ever again.

At nine thirty p.m., Sam and I got up. Meeting a potential twin had been exhausting, but I was ready to receive the results. This was the end of the marathon, the moment we would know exactly where we stood, and I was going to stay awake.

My friend Jonathan, my
frère de coeur
, joined us just then, coming straight from his job in town. I really wanted him to be there with me for the big reveal. Ryan, Kanoa, and James were organizing the laptops and GoPros, getting the cameras ready—pointing one where Sam’s and my face would be, the other at the laptop screen where Dr. Segal would be. As for Sam and me, we were drinking wine and eating some of the Thai takeaway brought in during our nap, but we were basically waiting . . . waiting . . . and waiting. Even the wine couldn’t keep all fears out of my head. Again, the prevailing thought was that we were already too bonded to not be twins, but we vowed to stay close even if the news was not what we were expecting.

When it was ten, no one else was in the room but us. We were alone together at the table, wine in hand. The cameras were rolling, and then, technical problems! Dr. Segal wasn’t popping up on the Skype screen! OMG, what was happening? No one knew yet that she had an old version of Skype, so while the tech people tried to figure it out, Sam and I drank more wine and giggled about nothing. Fifteen minutes later, after Dr. Segal logged off, installed her new version of Skype, and logged back on, we were once again ready to roll.

Finally, there was Dr. Segal, beaming at us from her office at Cal State–Fullerton. She was so happy and excited that I can safely speak for both Sam and me—we both knew it was going to be good news!

“So, Samantha and Anaïs, are you ready for this information?” she asked. “It’s a very life-changing thing, whether you are twins or not.” She kept going and going, or so it seemed. Finally, she said what we had been waiting to hear . . . “Okay, both of you turn and hug your identical twin sister!”