Seriously... I'm Kidding (20 page)

I wonder why we call people antsy. Ants don’t seem to be antsy. If anything, the way they build their tiny little ant huts, they seem very patient and calm. And why is having ants in your pants an expression? I’m sure someone had something else in his or her pants that was just as bothersome before anyone had ants in their pants. Why isn’t it flies in your pants or breadcrumbs in your pants or porcupines in your pants? That would be annoying, too. Poor ants. They really get the what-for just because their name rhymes with “pants.”

I should call my aunt.

Boats are pretty. That boat is stopping near that sandbar. Probably expecting to get some drinks. Idiots. They don’t serve drinks there. It’s just a strip of sand.

You know what’s a funny word? “Palm frond.” “Frond” is a funny word. I wish I had a friend named Frond. This is my friend Frond. This is Frond, my friend. Uh-oh, I said that out loud, too. Now that man is really looking at me. He thinks I’m crazy. The gall of that man to think I’m crazy for talking out loud. I’m not crazy. I’m sure he’s had the same kind of thoughts. I bet he wishes he had a friend named Frond.

I’m just gonna smile at him. Nope, I shouldn’t have done that. I think I have some brownie stuck to my front tooth. Now he thinks I’m really crazy for talking out loud and missing a front tooth. It’s not like talking out loud and missing a tooth makes you crazy. There are a lot of things that make you crazy, like pushing around a shopping cart all day. I don’t want to label people but usually someone who is not completely balanced has a shopping cart.

Actually, that’s a smart idea. I should get a shopping cart. What a great invention that is. I don’t carry a purse. I usually put everything I need in my pockets. But it might be fun to push a shopping cart around. I’d put so much stuff in there. People would be like, “Did you just come from the grocery store?” And I’d be like, “No, you fool, this is my purse on wheels.” That’s what I’d call it—a purse on wheels. Or POW. No, I guess I can’t call it that. I don’t want people thinking I’m pushing around a prisoner of war. But maybe if I add an exclamation mark like POW! people would pronounce it like “Wow,” but “Pow!” I don’t know. I guess it would be hard to get it in my car anyway, my purse on wheels. Oh well.

Hola.
That’s how you say hello in Spanish. I knew it would come to me. See, I’m not crazy, sir! Whoops. I said that out loud.

Romance: A Short Short Story

L
evar and Belinda felt an immediate attraction to one another the moment their eyes met at the Aerosmith reunion tour concert. It was as if they’d known each other their whole lives. They ran to Belinda’s house because it was closer, and they embraced. Was it wrong? Or was it the most right thing ever? They cuddled by the fire, his hand upon her thigh, and talked of their future. Then they did stuff to each other all night long.

Dreams

I
am fascinated by people’s dreams. Not dreams like, “I wanna be a pilot when I grow up!” Those are stupid and boring. I mean the dreams you have when you go to sleep at night. Or—because I don’t mean to exclude anybody—if you’re an owl reading this, the dreams you have when you go to sleep during the day.

Dreams are supposed to represent things going on in our subconscious mind. And I don’t know how you feel about it, but that terrifies me. What in the world can be going on in my subconscious mind that makes me dream I’m a loom worker living in Albuquerque in the house I grew up in with Jamie Lee Curtis, three lions, and Kermit the Frog? Actually, never mind. I don’t want to know.

I realize I just forced you to read a description of one of my dreams. I know it can be annoying when your friends make you listen to their dreams, so I don’t usually do that to people. I’m sure y’all have crazy dreams of your own to analyze and I’m not here to burden you with mine! That would be really, really annoying.

Except last night I did have a dream you should hear about because you were in it. I know that sounds crazy, but you were. You. Yes, you. Don’t look over your shoulder. I mean, you you. The reader. You and I were ice-skating in Germany with the pope and Colonel Sanders. Crazy, right? I know! I had no idea they hung out together. Colonel Sanders wasn’t a very good ice-skater and he kept falling down. But the pope was amazing—he kept doing these figure eights that were truly Olympic caliber. I asked him if he’d ever be interested in joining my ice hockey league. In my dream I was in an ice hockey league. It was very surprising because in real life I’ve never stepped foot on an ice-skating rink. It’s not that I can’t skate, I just don’t like to be that cold. And also I can’t skate.

The pope said he was interested but I have to be honest—it felt like one of those “Yeah… sure… I’ll call you to talk about it” answers. But I understood. He’s the pope.

Anyway, at one point I noticed you had some sauerkraut on your lip, so I said, “You have some sauerkraut on your lip.” And you were like, “Here?” And I was like, “No, other side.” So you tried to remove it with your tongue, but when your tongue came out of your mouth it was about three feet long, like some reptile. And then—and then—you turned into a Komodo dragon. You know, those big lizards you find on islands near Japan. So I start to think, “Oh great. How am I gonna get these ice skates off of this Komodo dragon and return them?” because they were rented and I had left a ten-dollar deposit. And at that point I wasn’t sure if you were a Komodo dragon and still my friend or just a real Komodo dragon—and Komodo dragons are poisonous, not to mention how strong their tails are. So I said, “Betsy”—Is that your name? Well, it was in the dream. Anyway, I said “Betsy” to find out if you knew you were a Komodo dragon. I thought if you were still Betsy you could speak like a human, even with that tongue.

Well, what happened next, you won’t believe! You didn’t answer me. Instead, you just started singing. You got up on your hind legs, balancing on your tail, and started belting out some old Broadway musical. Ethel Merman suddenly appeared and was singing with you. A large crowd gathered all around and when you both finished the tune, everyone applauded and cheered. People were saying, “Hey, that Komodo dragon can really sing.” I said, “That’s Betsy. She’s my friend.” I was so proud of you. You bowed and you scratched Ethel Merman with your tail, but she was so happy with your performance she didn’t even mind.

Then two seconds later, somehow we were back in the States and it was the early nineties and you were on
Star Search
. You were still part Komodo dragon, and I had a special gown made for you so your tail could stick out. It was very expensive. You were a little nervous to sing in front of Ed McMahon because you loved him so much, but you sang great. You got two and three-quarter stars. Unfortunately, you were beaten by the rock group Journey.

You were heartbroken that you lost, so I took you out to a bar to have a few cocktails. We were having a great time until some drunk guy started making fun of your dress. I punched him in the stomach, and I got thrown out. You didn’t even try and take up for me. You were such a bitch! You know what—who do you think you are after all we’ve been through? I don’t even know how you had the nerve to buy my book. I’m assuming you finally got your operation to turn back into a human, probably with the money I made you. Don’t walk away while I’m talking at you. Who’s calling you right now? Was that a text? From your new best friend? I wonder if you ever told her that you were a reptile in your past. I bet she wouldn’t be so quick to drive you to the airport now, knowing all those lies about you. Not so cool anymore, huh?

I’m sorry I lashed out. You didn’t deserve that. It was just a dream and obviously I’m dealing with some reptilian issues that have nothing to do with you. I’m so glad you bought my book. Please enjoy the rest of the chapters that are probably not about you. You look great as a human, by the way. What kind of moisturizer do you use?

Seriously… I’m Kidding

O
ne of the most challenging parts of writing a book is coming up with the title. You can’t have a book without a title. You can’t. I asked. And it’s very important because the title is the first thing people hear about the book, so you need a good one.

Seeing as this is my third book, it was even more challenging because I already used up two good titles,
My Point… and I Do Have One
and
The Funny Thing Is
… (Why not own the complete set? Available everywhere books are sold.)

To come up with the title for this book I thought it would be helpful to look over some best-seller lists and see what titles have been successful in the past. Based on that, at first I thought about calling my book either
Eat, Pray, Love
2 or
Harry Potter and the Lord of the Twilight Trilogy
or
The Joy of Sex Part
2:
Additional Joys
. Unfortunately, my lawyer said I wasn’t allowed to use any of those because of some crazy thing called “copyright infringement.” That turned out to be for the best because as soon as I started to write the first few chapters of
The Joy of Sex Part
2, I felt deeply uncomfortable.

I finally decided on
Seriously… I’m Kidding
because, well, seriously… I’m kidding. (You’ll notice it has the signature “…” that all of my book titles have. I considered not using the “…” and calling it
Seriously, I’m Kidding
or
Seriously? I’m Kidding
or
Seriously % I’m Kidding
but in the end I decided to be consistent with my other books. I’m a big fan of consistency. And beet juice.)

Since I’m a comedian people usually know that I’m kidding. In fact, more often than not people assume I’m kidding even when I’m trying to be serious. That can be frustrating when I’m at the doctor’s or dentist’s office. I’ll say something like, “Your elbow is digging into my neck” or “I think I need more Novocain” and the hygienist will laugh and laugh like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.

It’s always funny to me when people have to clarify that they’re kidding. This usually happens after they’ve delivered an insult to someone that was intended to be a joke, such as “Well at least if it rains we can seek shelter under your bangs! I’m just kidding. I love those bangs. Seriously… I’m kidding.” Here’s a professional tip: If you have to say you’re kidding, it might not be a great joke.

I also like the title because it reminds me of the fact that we always contradict ourselves when we talk. We say things like, “Would I like to go to that concert? Yeah, maybe.” And when someone is telling a good story we say, “Shut up! Then what happened?” I once surprised a friend by showing up unannounced at a party and she yelled, “Get out! Come over here!” I didn’t know what to do.

There are “well-known secrets” out there and there are people who are “so happy they could die.” Sometimes people are so sad they have to laugh and sometimes things feel so wrong, they’re right. Basically what I’m saying is, I usually don’t know what people are talking about.