Settling Old Scores: BWWM Second Chance Romance (12 page)

20.
Mixed Up Mix

The
next morning, they got up and got ready to go out and meet Matt for
breakfast. They found Matt, and took him to breakfast. He was
clear-headed and hungry. As he ate, they listened to him talk about
some of his war experiences. They were gruesome. Normally, they would
toss some grenades in a hole. Then, go in there after the explosion
to clean up and look for survivors and weapons. On more than one
occasion, there was a cache of explosives in the ground and they
would get a big concussive blast back in return. Sometimes, arms and
legs would be blown back at them. Sometimes, the bodies would be
those of mere kids. Matt said he was covered at times by "crispy
critter parts".

Pat
looked like she was going to throw up. Matt just ate his breakfast
and continued on in a monotone. He told another story about having to
fight for his life in the dark with someone that miraculously
survived the blasts. He concluded by saying he choked the guy to
death right there in the darkened tunnel.

"I
won the battle but lost the war. Sometimes, I wish it was me that
didn't come out. I never went in a hole again. That is the way it
worked for everyone. They sent you in until you couldn't do it
anymore. Nobody lasted an entire tour in that job. Even if you didn't
die, you were dead once the day came that you couldn't do it
anymore," he said.

"I
still wake up at night in a sweat even in the middle of winter. I go
days without sleeping out of fear that I will wake up trying to claw
my way out of a hole. It's a recurrent dream I have. I do everything
I can, but still can't get out. I am so claustrophobic too.
Sometimes, I dream I am being choked," Matt finished and looked
exhausted.

"It
doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to punish yourself for
things you had no control over," Pat said.

After
projectile vomiting most of his story, Matt was spent. Kevin felt
like he was covered in puke.

"I
know you aren't ready to go to the VA yet. Why don't I get you a room
in the flophouse over there for tonight? Even if you don't stay
there, you can at least clean up and rest. Besides, if someone is
looking for you, they would never look there. You know how easy you
are to find? It took us about 5 minutes the other day. I will meet
you for breakfast tomorrow. We will go see Janet Smith, and eat
there," Kevin said.

Matt
hesitated but went for it. Kevin left Matt and Pat there while he
went and got a room at the somewhat upscale flophouse across the
street. He came back with a key which he gave to Matt. Then they got
up and left the restaurant. Matt was still shaking his head and
mumbling that he didn't see why they were doing this for him. Kevin
just waived him off.

"Matt
I always admired your guts and courage. I still do. I looked up to
you. You were a hero to us younger kids. You have more intestinal
fortitude in your little finger than I have in my whole body. I don't
want this story to play out on the track it is on. It doesn't have to
either. Try to stay sober. I will see you tomorrow morning,"
Kevin said.

Kevin
and Pat headed off. As they headed back, they talked a little about
Matt. They agreed that getting Matt to talk was a good thing for him.
Being able to listen was not so easy. It was clear that he was not
the burned out derelict that everyone took him to be. He was pretty
sharp when he was not on anything. Kevin thought that Matt would have
said more if he was just talking to a guy. When there were two of
them together, it made Matt a little afraid of being ganged up on.

"I
am going to see him tomorrow again. I don't think he is done talking.
Traumatized people always have such clear memory of detail. The
trouble is that it’s always for the bad stuff and not the good
stuff. You and I do the same thing. We see everything through a jaded
lens. You do with your childhood. I know. I do it with mine, too,"
he said.

"You
are probably right. I did get the sense that even if he wasn't
holding back, he had more to tell. When he talked about being covered
in crispy critter parts, I just about lost my breakfast," Pat
said.

"It
was interesting that you were so quick to tell Matt not to punish
himself over things he had no control over. See how you spotted it in
someone else but never spotted it in yourself? You have to admit you
spent years sort of putting yourself down for things you had no
control over," Kevin said evenly.

"I
did, and I still do on occasion. I like to think I am getting better
over time. I have worn the mask of solitude Paz talks about. I detest
it on one hand, and embrace it on the other," she said.

"Well,
at least now you have someone to share the mask with. I think
everyone has a love-hate relationship with their masks. You were
great back up too Darlene," Kevin said referencing their old
joke about Darlene Love.

"You
know I like the new Kevin even better than the old one. He is wittier
and more astute than he used to be. He has an even better body too.
You never had that testosterone thing going on, where you had to wow
me with your masculinity either. You are the older brother of the boy
I used to know," she laughed.

"Yeah,
that would be me ─ whiskers, pubic hair, experience, and charm.
You were never the type to fall for the cave man approach. You were
born to be an academic," Kevin said.

"You
do have a kind of mental toughness I admire. I don't think of it as a
bad boy thing. You have a confidence that comes with it. It is very
sexy to me," Pat said with a smile.

"You
know for a long time I questioned everything about our relationship.
I wondered if you were a abuse victim, or if you wanted me to be a
father figure. That is a role I wouldn't have a clue how to play. I
wondered if you didn't like me because your mom seemed to approve of
me. I just couldn't figure it out. It drove me crazy. Then you
developed a body on you that would make grown men weak in the knees,"
Kevin said.

"There
really is no more worse case scenario than a mature body and an
immature mind. Unless you throw in being mixed and confused,"
Pat said.

"I
know that must have been tough for you. I wish I had just come out
and asked you the questions I had. I would have gotten it out of you
if I asked clearly what was eating you up. I do have some questions
too," Kevin said.

"Okay,
I will try to answer everything I can," she said.

"Does
your birth certificate identify you as white?"

"It
does. My mom did that because I am more white than black. I think I
am about one-fourth black and three-fourths white. They do not have a
mixed box in the census, birth certificates, and a lot of other
forms. Maybe, just maybe, she thought it would be easier for me to
live in a white world. She wouldn't say that, but I suspect she
thought that. We both know it is true. That's what I mean about being
raised by a white lady. I don't have any more black mannerisms than
you do. What we got was just from living where we lived. God knows I
can't sing or dance any better than you can either," Pat said a
little sarcastically.

"I
am just trying to zero in on how you think of yourself. I have sailed
out of New Orleans and some of the people down there tell stories a
damned Yankee like myself can't fathom. I knew a creole guy down
there that told me how his dad had a farm in the Huey Long days.
Anyway, one time the dad protested the taxes from the Parish he lived
in. His logic was that if his kids couldn't go to the white school,
he shouldn't have to pay the white level of tax. Since he was light
enough to pass, the assessor told him that for an additional 250
dollars per kid, he could get the records changed so the kids could
go to the white school,” said Kevin.

"I
think in most of the rest of the South, they are stricter about it
than that. I did try to join the black student union one time and
they told me I couldn't because I wasn't black, or at least I wasn't
black enough. So, there you have it. Nobody wanted me. As far as
quotas go, I never played that card. I always tested so good anyway.
I suppose if I had applied to Harvard or something, I might have done
it. I wonder if they would have vetoed the application as a minority
when they saw my birth certificate. To tell the truth, I don't have
any idea if they even ask to see stuff like that. They give you a
form to fill out without any guidance. So, you could make a case for
almost anything. Mostly, one or the other makes more sense than just
one drop, right? I think of myself as white because I was raised
pretty much as a white to answer your question," Pat said.

"Quite
often, people will reveal themselves to be racist not knowing that
you are mixed. I still get pissed when I hear that blacks are less
educated, more lazy, and less patriotic than whites. I just want to
be me. I don't really want to choose one side or the other though. I
am not a teenager anymore. So, I derive my identity these days from
what I do, not my hue," said Pat.

"Fair
enough. Be glad I didn't go down the road of comparison. I know you
have met people that make you feel like barfing with stories about
being the product of a Jewish and Christian marriage is like being
mixed or whatever," said Kevin.

"Yeah
I have heard that crap before. You can't really know what it's like
from that," intoned Pat.

21.
What
Pat Thought

Kevin
had more questions. "What about your Dad? How do you feel about
him? How much do you know about him?"

Pat
let out a big sigh. "My dad. Where should I start? He worked for
years at the same textile place mom did. His job was to maintain the
sewing and knitting machines. She was a fresh faced farm girl working
at this place during the war. He didn't get drafted because he was in
a critical job and a critical industry," she said.

"After
the war, the plant switched back to civilian production, but that was
always a woman's type of industry. There weren't going to be a lot of
men coming along and taking over the sewing machines, so to speak. At
some point, about five years after the war, he was fixing more than
mom's machine, apparently. That's where I came in," she said.

"They
were married by a justice of the peace. He skipped out on us though,
before I was ever born. It's like he went out for a pack of
cigarettes one night and never came back. He never saw me, I never
saw him. How do you think I would feel about him?" she asked
painfully.

"Where
was he from by the way? Do you think he lives in the area? Do you
have any desire to find him?" Kevin asked.

"The
fucker! I hate him! Why would I want to find him?" she spat
back.

"Whoa
Pat, I don't mean to upset you," Kevin said.

"I
think I am over my feelings. Then, they just erupt when I have to
talk about him. Then, I get mad at myself for even giving Mr. Reject
Your Own Daughter that much power over my life. Fuck him! By the way,
you won't open the white pages and find his name in the book. That
much I know. I do always look," she said despondently.

"Well,
I guess that answers the second part of the question. Does your mom
feel the same way?" Kevin asked.

"No,
she doesn't. She is much more mature and Christian about it. There
were even bigger stigmas about mixing back then. Her version is that
they tried to make it work, but it just didn't happen. He couldn't do
it. She is thankful for me, and has no regrets, remorse, or the
amount of bitterness I have," Pat said.

Kevin
sighed and held her hand. "I am thankful for you too. Don't beat
yourself up. We all have things that make us rage. What else do you
know about him? Where was he from? How old was he when you were born?
I used to deliver papers to a few houses where they were mixed. The
worst cases were where the Dad was white and the mom was black. I
think those white guys took pains to stay invisible. They didn't go
out in the yard and play with the kids. I wonder if some of them
feared for their jobs," he said.

"He
was from Wilmington, North Carolina via Chicago. I think he
originally learned how to fix machines from being in the mills in the
South. Just before the war, he migrated to the North. Mom was 23 when
she had me. He was five years older than her," said Pat.

"Do
you think he had problems keeping his job after the war? There were a
lot of white returning veterans that needed jobs. He must have stood
out like a sore thumb to management to begin with, and then he went
and got the help pregnant. I suppose that the places up here started
to fold too because of high wages. The South was a right to work
region, so they fared better in that competition. I am just
theorizing that it was a bad time economically and he wasn't flying
under the radar," Kevin said.