Settling the Account (84 page)

Trading accusations now would be pointlessly
cruel. ‘You did what you thought best.’

‘That was the end of the bairns, once you
left my bed.’

Amy shook her head, forgetting for a moment
that he could not see her. ‘I don’t know, I think maybe I couldn’t
carry babies any more, anyway. I think something might have gone
wrong with my insides when I had Alexander. Remember how I lost all
those babies afterwards?’

‘I kicked the last one out of you,’ Charlie
said, his voice unnaturally thick.

‘There’s no need to upset yourself thinking
about that. Maybe I would’ve lost it anyway, like the other
ones.’

‘Suppose you think I was too hard on the
boy, too.’

Amy paused, choosing her words carefully.
‘You always tried to be a good father. You worked hard.’

‘I drove my son away,’ he said, his voice
raw. ‘Drove him away to go and get himself killed.’

‘You loved him, Charlie. I think Mal must’ve
known that at the end. I don’t think you can love a person as much
as you did Mal without them knowing it.’

He was quiet for some time. ‘I drove you
away, too. I drove you away so you wouldn’t be a wife to me.’

She knew he was weeping, although he was
managing to do it while barely making a sound. ‘I think there’s
more to being a wife than sharing a bed,’ she said softly. ‘Anyway,
I’m here now.’ And she would be there from now on, she promised
silently; as determined never again to let him sleep alone as she
had once been determined never again to share his bed.

She rolled over to lie facing him, and
guided his arm around her. ‘We’re a bit slow, you and me.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, here we are, married twenty years and
this is our first proper cuddle! We’re a silly pair.’ She raised
her head from the pillow until her face was close to where she
judged his must be. And for the first time in twenty years of
marriage, she pressed her lips to his in a willing kiss.

Charlie was soon asleep, worn out with
emotion and warmed by the closeness of her body. Amy did no more
than doze, alert in an instant and ready to hold him close and
comfort him when he woke up whimpering.

He did not wake again. When the room began
to lighten with the first hint of sunrise and Amy heard David
walking out to the back door with what he fondly imagined to be a
catlike tread, she slipped out of bed and began pulling on her
clothes, with no sign that Charlie had heard her.

When she had her petticoats on she paused to
stand over the bed and look down at him, peaceful as a child. So
peaceful that Amy frowned, leaning closer.

She had never seen Charlie looking like
that. Every line had been smoothed away; every mark of bitterness
and cruelty had faded. It was as if his face had been melted like
old, damaged wax and re-cast into an image of peace.

‘Charlie?’ she whispered, knowing there
would be no answer. There was no sign of movement from the covers
over his chest, and when she retrieved his wrist there was no
pulse.

She placed his hand on his chest, pulled her
dress on over what underwear she was wearing and went to call
David.

He was still on the porch, pulling on his
boots while Biff waited beside him. ‘I think he’s gone, Davie,’ she
told him. ‘Your father’s passed away.’

David did not seem startled by the news. ‘I
thought he must’ve been in a bad way, he was getting so muddled
about things yesterday.’

Amy shook her head. ‘No, he was sensible
before the end. He remembered everything—about Mal, and you, and…
well, everything.’

David stood up and put his arm around her.
‘Don’t you worry, I’ll look after everything,’ he said solemnly.
‘I’ll see to whatever needs doing.’ Then he ruined the effect by
chewing at his lower lip and casting an anxious look at Amy. ‘Ma,
do you… do you know what needs doing?’

Amy smiled faintly. ‘I think so. We need to
get a doctor, so you’d better go in and see Richard.’

‘But I thought you said he was dead.’

‘He is, Davie. But a doctor has to sign a
certificate to say how he died. Go around to the minister’s after
that, I’ll need to talk to him about the funeral. Oh, and the
carpenter, go and see him, too, if you feel able. He’ll have to
come out and measure your father up. I’ll get you something to eat
before you go, though, it’s too early for you to be bothering
Richard.’

‘What about the milking?’

‘Go over to your Uncle John’s after you’ve
had a bite to eat. Tell them what’s happened, and they can do your
milking this morning.’

‘You’d better come over there with me,’
David said, but Amy shook her head. ‘You’ve got to, Ma—I can’t
leave you here by yourself with him.’

‘He’s not going to hurt me, is he? Don’t
argue, Davie, I’m not going anywhere just now. It wouldn’t be
respectful, leaving him on his own.’

‘Ma, you should…’ David shrugged and
admitted defeat. ‘No use arguing with you,’ he muttered.

When David had had a hurried breakfast and
set off next door, Amy returned to the bedroom and took her
familiar seat by Charlie’s side. He still looked peacefully asleep;
as if he might wake any moment and smile at her.

We could have made a go of it,
Charlie
.
Not been all lovey-dovey or anything, but we could
have got on all right. If only you hadn’t been so angry all the
time. If only you hadn’t made me so frightened
.

‘What a waste,’ she whispered aloud, and
felt her eyes brimming. She put her hand up to her face and pulled
her fingers away wet with tears.

‘There, you see?’ she told him, holding her
hand close to his unseeing face. ‘No weeping for you, you said. You
were wrong about that, too, Charlie. You always were wrong about
me.’

She brushed her wet fingers against his
cheek, offering the tears as a final gift.

April 1906

Frank double-checked the last total in his
quarterly accounts (he had never quite learned to trust his own
arithmetic), replaced the pen in its inkstand and leaned back in
his chair, regarding the results with quiet satisfaction.

‘How does it look, Pa?’ Joey asked. Over the
last year Frank had encouraged his oldest son to take more interest
in the farm accounts, painfully aware of how difficult he had found
the task when he had first begun to keep good records of his income
and expenses.

‘Pretty good. We got plenty of heifers last
year, and good prices for them, too. Here, take a look.’

He pushed the accounts book across the table
to Joey and sat back again, mulling over some plans that were not
yet sufficiently formed for him to share them with anyone but
Lizzie. Frank was fully aware that he had four sons to provide for,
and that the farm, successful though he had made it, would not
support four families if his sons turned out to be as fruitful as
he and Lizzie had.

‘Yep, things are looking pretty good,’ he
told Joey. ‘That’s not to say I couldn’t be doing better, mind you.
I’ve got a few ideas to try out this year.’

‘I guess maybe you never really finish,
eh?’

‘No, I guess you don’t. But you know what?
Sometimes you put things off for years and years, thinking you’ll
do them when you’ve got everything straight. There comes a time
when you need to stop for a bit, look at what you’ve got and make
sure you’re not taking it for granted.’

‘You do?’ Joey said, his face showing how
obtuse he had found his father’s last speech.

Frank grinned at him. ‘Yes, you do. Don’t go
thinking your old man’s going soft in the head, Joey. One of these
days you’ll know what I’m talking about. That ink dry yet?’

Joey dabbed cautiously at the page. ‘Seems
to be.’

‘Give it here, then. Better not leave it
lying around or Benjy’ll end up chewing it like he does everything
else. Don’t know how he manages to do that when he can’t even crawl
yet.’ He shook his head over the mystery. ‘I think I’ll go into
town tomorrow,’ he said as he put the accounts book away.

‘Can I come?’

‘Not this time, Joe. I’ve got some private
business to do. Something I’ve let get a bit overdue.’

*

Frank got back home in the middle of the
afternoon after his visit to town the next day, to find Beth and
Maisie working in the kitchen.

‘Where’s your ma?’ he asked.

Beth raised her eyes heavenwards. ‘Playing
with Benjy in the parlour.’

‘She’s
always
playing with Benjy,’
Maisie put in.

‘We hardly ever see her out here of an
afternoon,’ Beth added.

Frank grinned at their exaggerated
expressions of long-suffering. ‘Well, it’s a good thing you two
know what you’re doing, isn’t it? Leave those spuds for a bit,
they’re not going anywhere. I got you something in town.’

‘What? What?’ they chorused, hovering around
him as excited as five-year-olds.

‘There you go, one each,’ he said, drawing
two carefully folded pieces of fabric from his jacket pocket. ‘Silk
scarves, they tell me these are. They should be good ones, Mrs
Nichol said they’re the latest thing from Auckland.’

‘They’re lovely, Pa,’ Beth said, throwing
her arms around his neck and planting a kiss on his cheek. Maisie
would not be so demonstrative, but she thanked him with her eyes.
‘Why are we getting a present, though?’

‘Just for being good girls and helping your
ma. Anyway, it feels like a good day for presents.’

He went into the passage, leaving the girls
trying on their scarves and adjusting each other’s. Lizzie was
sitting on the sofa where a patch of afternoon sunlight made it
cosy, and, just as the girls had said, she was playing with
Benjy.

She looked up at Frank’s entrance and
smiled. ‘Here’s Papa, Benjy. Say hello to Papa. Mind you don’t
squash him, Frank,’ she said when Frank sat down beside her.

‘Give him here.’ Frank lifted Benjy onto his
own lap, sat him up and fixed him with a stern gaze. ‘Now listen,
son. I can see that you and me are going to have some fallings out
in a few years.’

‘Don’t say that!’

‘Well, he’s got to learn,’ Frank said,
maintaining his stern expression with difficulty. He wagged his
finger at Benjy. ‘You needn’t think I’m going to let you get
between me and your ma when I fancy a cuddle.’

Benjy stared at the finger as if fascinated,
then reached out and took hold of it. He looked up at Frank and
chortled in delight at his accomplishment.

Frank sighed, then gave in and laughed. ‘You
know, I used to think Maudie was the one who took after you the
most, love,’ he said to Lizzie. ‘I’m beginning to think it’s this
fellow.

‘Don’t go trying your tricks with me, boy,’
he said, disengaging his finger. ‘How about you hop out of the way
for a minute?’

Ignoring Lizzie’s protests, he lowered the
baby to the floor, propping him up against the sofa. Benjy seemed
quite satisfied with his new position, playing with his feet
through his knitted booties in between gazing around the room from
this fresh perspective.

‘My turn now,’ Frank told Lizzie. He slipped
an arm around her and squeezed, enjoying the milky smell of her and
the smooth feel of her dress against his hand. ‘Maudie sends her
love. She said they’ll be out on Sunday.’

‘That’ll be nice.’

‘Lucy was awake while I was there, I had a
cuddle of her. She’s talking away like nobody’s business these
days���not so as you can understand her, but she’s making plenty of
noise.’ He smiled at the memory of the little girl on his lap.
‘Maudie reckoned she said “Grandpa” today. Didn’t really sound like
that to me, but I suppose Maudie can understand her better.’

Lizzie snorted. ‘Maudie thinks that child’s
a prodigy. I wouldn’t be surprised if Benjy talks about the same
time Lucy does, he’s very forward with things. Aren’t you,
sweetie?’ she cooed to the little boy. ‘First babies are usually
slower with talking, anyway.’

Frank grinned at her. ‘You and Maudie are as
bad as each other. Well, I reckon Lucy and Benjy are both pretty
good. I went to see the bank manager today.’

‘Why’d you do that?’

‘Just a few things I’ve been thinking over,
with the young fellows growing up and all. You know I told you how
I heard down at the factory that old man Carr’s thinking of selling
his place?’

‘Well, I suppose he’s got to, since he had
that falling out with Tilly’s husband. He’s too old to run the
place by himself, especially with his bad leg, and Martha’s not
likely to get married now.’

‘No, she’s left it a bit late,’ Frank said.
‘Anyway, I’d been thinking I might go and have a yarn with Carr. I
thought I’d better talk to Mr Callaghan first, though, see what he
thought of the idea.’

‘You’d have to borrow a lot of money,
wouldn’t you?’

‘I expect so. I’ll get you to help me figure
it out later, when the little fellow’s asleep. Funny, isn’t it? The
better off I get, the more money I seem to borrow.’ He shrugged. ‘I
guess it’s just the way it works.’

‘Well, you know what you’re doing when it
comes to farming,’ Lizzie said.

‘And I’ve got you to tell me when I’m being
stupid. I’m in no rush about this farm thing, though, we’ll see how
it works out. Hey, I saw Mrs Nichol today, she’s running the
produce part of the Show. She said I was to tell you to be sure and
get your preserves into town in time if you want to enter
them.’

‘Oh, I don’t think I’ll bother this year,’
Lizzie said. ‘It’s not worth it when I’m not even going to the
Show.’

‘You’re sure you don’t want to come?’

Lizzie shook her head. ‘I don’t want to take
Benjy into a crush like that, it might upset him. Anyway, you get
people with diseases and things at shows. No, you can take the
other kids in.’

‘I saw Dave at the factory this morning, I
told him to come to the Show with us,’ said Frank. ‘He’s going to
help me and the boys with getting the cows in to town.’