Seven Days (18 page)

Marnie wakes me up at ten and we spend most of the morning sitting in her flat. My phone is turned off. I didn’t tell Mum where I was last night, she’d work it out for herself. But I know I’ll be in big trouble now. Dad will make me pay for this. I’m not even sure I care, I feel so numb.

“You’ve made it worse for yourself,” Marnie says, like she’s reading my mind.

“I guess. I just couldn’t face it. Not last night anyway.”

I’m still hoping the school only spoke to Mum yesterday. I’m still hoping that Dad was too drunk to notice I didn’t return home. I’m still hoping all this might go away.

Marnie is preoccupied on her laptop. They are all going on about the party on there. She has been messaging Ben all morning.

“Look, he’s pleased I’m coming!” she says, pointing at the latest message. “I knew I was getting there with him!”

Her face is flushed with excitement. She runs into the bathroom and starts searching through her make-up. “I have to look my best tonight. This could be the night we get together.”

“Good for you.”

“You’re pleased for me though?” Her face is accusing. I stand up and move across the room. I keep thinking about what Lyn said last night, about the way he looked at me. I’m sure he hates me now. Hates me and likes
her.

“Of course I’m pleased. I’m just not feeling too great myself.”

Out of her window I can stare over at Tower A. I wonder if Lyn is in there getting excited about tonight. I wonder if he’s even thinking of me at all.

“I don’t know why you’re so upset. Lyn’s just a bloke, letting off some steam. Ben told me he doesn’t even like Jess.”

I turn round. “What?”

“Seriously. He messaged me about it earlier. Lyn just feels sorry for Jess, because of how she looks and stuff. He thinks you’re a bit harsh on her. I think that’s why he ended it with you.”

“Yeah, well. What does he expect? She gets on my nerves,” I sniff.

“So what are you going to do then? Sit here feeling sorry for yourself?”

“No…”

I think about the message I sent Jess last night. I was raging then, so mad that I could barely contain it, but even now the embers are still burning. How could I let someone like
her
get one over on me? If that happened surely that would mean the end of everything? I’d no longer be Kez; the cool girl at school. I’d be the one who lost out to the fat stig.

You’re right,” I say, “but I need to get my stuff. Get changed,” I tell Marnie.

“Do you want me to come, bit of support?”

I nod. I’m guessing that if Marnie is there, Dad will ease off me a bit.

No, I’m not guessing. I’m hoping.

“Jeez, Kez, your place is nice!” Marnie says as we walk up the drive.

I pull a face at her. “It’s amazing what you can achieve with some hanging baskets and rubbish garden ornaments.”

Marnie is wide-eyed. “I’m surprised you want to come back to my place all the time. It must feel like a shoebox compared to this.”

I slip the key in the lock and turn the handle carefully, the usual twist of anxiety clutches at my stomach. We step inside. It smells lovely in here, all floral and perfumery. Mum’s obviously been cleaning.

As if on cue, she steps out of the lounge, duster in her hand. She looks me up and down, a tiny frown on her face.

“Back then?” she says.

“Obviously.” I flap a hand at Marnie. “I stayed over at Marnie’s again. Sorry.”

“You should tell me. Is it too difficult to tell me?” Her bird-like head is twitching; it always does that when she’s nervous or annoyed. I could seriously imagine her pecking birdseed on the front lawn. The bruises on her face are healing. She tries to disguise them with thick foundation, but I can still see the yellow, green tinge there – like an old stain.

“No, sorry,” I mumble. I’m aware of Marnie shifting awkwardly behind me. I just want to get away.

“He’s out,” she says. “Down the pub. He won’t be back ’til late.”

I nod, relief inching across my skin. “I’m going upstairs to get ready. We’re going out later.”

Mum looks at me like she wants to say something else, probably about school, but then she just nods. I think she’s given up fighting with me.

As we climb the stairs Marnie nudges me. “Look what I smuggled from home.”

In her bag is a full bottle of cider. It glistens in the light. I think of Dad and gulping back his cans – the fuel for his anger, my enemy for so long.

“Cool,” I say, even though it’s far from cool. I hate everything it represents.

But tonight I want to forget. Like he does.

I am so calm walking to Lyn’s. My cheeks are stinging in the cold night air and my thoughts are still. Marnie is giggling, stumbling up ahead. She’s had far too much to drink, but I held back. I wanted to keep control.

“Oh man, I feel so wrong,” she giggles.

I say nothing. It’s odd, like I’ve turned into a machine. Someone has pressed my button and told me what to do. I’m charging forwards. My eyes are focused, blinkered even. I can barely hear anything else.

But I can think about Jess – oh yes, the stig is as clear in my mind as she can be – a sharp focus. I walk with purpose, knowing I will soon be seeing her soppy face again.

“This is going to be wicked. I’ve got a feeling this will be a night to remember,” Marnie says, as she pushes open the heavy doors to Tower A. The sharp scent of its neglect hits me as soon as I step in. It makes me feel a bit sick and have to take shallow breaths to force it back.

We take the lift, there’s no way either of us could cope with the stairs in our silly heels. Three boys I don’t recognize are already waiting by the doors; pressing the button repeatedly like it would it make it come any faster. Idiots.

“Are you going to the party?” one of them asks. He looks a lot older than us, eighteen maybe, with a shaven head and cool hazel eyes. I don’t recognize him from school, so I assume he’s from the Estate.

“Yeah, are you?” says Marnie. She walks up closer to them. She’s even more confident tonight. I hang back, watching as she leans against the wall, chatting to them. There’s nothing that fazes her. I find it odd how she can be so confident with anyone, even complete strangers. Does she ever feel insecure?

I think of Lyn. I think of his beautiful, dark eyes, his full lips. The way he used to stroke my face. I can’t even remember how I got into this mess.

Oh yes, her…

“C’mon, Kez. What are you doing?” Marnie shouts over.

The boys are laughing. I look and see the lift has arrived; reluctantly I join them.

“You’ve got a face on you,” Marnie says, as we squeeze into the lift. It’s a tight fit and it smells even worse in here, my throat is tightening even more. There might as well be a hand around it, gripping me.

“I just want to get there,” I say.

I just want to get to HER!

“You look like you mean business,” says the guy with the shaven head. He’s looking at me intently. I just glare back. I don’t want to talk. I want this all to be over with.

The doors slide open and a gust of stale air blasts in. The boys tumble out first, loud and laughing. We let them go ahead. Marnie pulls on my arm. We step out into the corridor. I can hear music already, pumping from the opposite end.

“Do I look all right?” she says, her face scrunched up in concern.

“You’re fine,” I say, although I’m probably not in the best mood to judge. I’m feeling heavy, like a huge weight is resting upon me.

“C’mon then.” She grabs my hand and leads me in.

The door to Lyn’s flat is standing open; the music is much louder now. I freeze for a second, remembering being here yesterday. My heart seems to be beating extra hard, in time to the beat of the bass.

“Are you OK?” Marnie asks.

“Yeah, fine,” I snap, pushing past her.

At first it’s hard to make out who’s who in the shapes of the crowd in the hallway. It’s dimly lit in there and so hot. I move awkwardly, trying to find someone I recognize. First, I see Lois, standing with her back to me, she’s talking to someone. Then, I realize who. A rush of adrenaline hits me; I push myself over to them. I can feel the power surge through me, like electricity.

I watch as Lois spins round. A haze of faces are staring straight at me, but I can’t work them out. My head, my whole body is buzzing with energy.

I say something – angry, bitter words. I can’t remember what, my brain is fuzzy. I watch as Lois backs away. She hates me when I’m like this; I know she’ll want to get away from me. I find myself walking towards Jess. She’s standing there like a useless lump. I want to grab her – in my unsteady shoes I almost lean on her – but I manage to hold back.

I reach towards her instead. My finger lands in the folds of her belly, soft like a sponge cake. I find myself prodding it again and again, so soft. More words are floating out of my mouth, but they feel fat and heavy. I have no control. I’m a clockwork toy; all wound up and primed to spill my hatred. I know I’m hurting her, each word is having impact.

I grab at her top. It’s pretty. Madly, she looks quite nice in it. My clumsy fingers find the label; I see that it’s a maternity top. She must be having a laugh, surely?

“Oh my God, get this, Marnie, she’s wearing a maternity top!” I shout.

That’s funny isn’t it? I mean, who goes around wearing a top for pregnant women. Jess’s face seems to be changing. Her jaw is dropping. I’m going to make her cry.

Good.

So I tell her. I tell her Lyn only invited her out of pity, that he felt sorry for her. I can hear the anger in my words, I know exactly what effect they are having but I keep on slamming them at her. It’s about time the poor deluded cow heard the truth.

You can’t have Lyn! He’d never be interested in you. He’s mine.

I’m wobbling now, running out of words, but I’m really getting to her. I can see it. Jess is standing there, not moving. She is as pale as a ghost. I only see it for a flicker, but it’s enough, for that briefest second my mum is in front of me – my pathetic, weak, cowardly mum.

“Please, I’ll be good from now on, I promise, just don’t hurt me again…”

I tell Jess she’s better off dead. Because cowards are, aren’t they? Who wants to be like that? I can see I’ve shocked her. Her eyes are wide. Then suddenly her mouth flies opens.

“I said DON’T TOUCH ME!” she screams, right in my face. “You stupid, deaf bitch.”

Spit hits my chin. I just snap. How dare she say that to me! Red rage. Heat in my face. Pure venom. I push her. I have strength that I never knew was there, and she seems as light as a doll. Her face is tipped towards me, her mouth open, gaping wide. Disgusting.

I feel the cold air as we rush out on to the balcony, my head immediately seems lighter. I want to get her away from me. She disgusts me. She is everything I don’t want to be. I force her up against the hard wall. I press hard. I watch as she tips a little, a rush of something floods me. I can’t describe it – is it energy? A thrill? Evil?

I’m saying things, but all sounds are muffled. All I can concentrate on is her face. Her round, scared, stupid face.

I can push her over.

I will push her over.

She will land with a thud. She will leave a crater in the ground. She will be gone for ever.

She is begging me. Her mouth working overtime. “Please, please, please.” Whispers in the wind.

I shove her again, just a bit. I see the terror, sheer panic in her eyes. My grip is loosening, I’m going to let go.

“Kez! No!”

Lyn is behind me. Where did he come from? He pulls me back roughly, strong arms round my waist. I gasp. I still have hold of her. She falls to the balcony floor.

I could’ve pushed her over.

I could’ve.

I wanted to.

I’m flung against a wall. People are moving, shouting. The cloud in my head is shifting. I can see people running towards the front door, calling after Jess. Screaming at her to come back. I have an urge to laugh. It’s all so mad, so crazy.

I could’ve done it. I wanted to…

I squint and see Lyn is there, shoving his way to the front of the crowd. I go to call to him, but someone pulls on my arm.

“What the hell did you just do?”

Lois forces herself in front of me. Her face is flushed red.

“What? I was just messing around,” I say, but the lie feels wrong. “You’ve been just as bad.”

This throws her for a second; she bites her lip, then shakes her head softly. “No, don’t pin this one on me, Kez. You were bang out of order. You just laid into her. What you said – it was evil. And out there – you nearly pushed her over the edge!”

“Evil!” I snort. Like she knows what evil is! Perfect little Lois.

“Yes, bloody evil. What have you become?”

I pull myself up straighter, trying hard to regain some control. I just wish I didn’t feel so sick. “I wasn’t going to push her,” I say, but I know I sound unconvincing. I keep looking at my hands. I know what I nearly did.