Seven Years of Bad Luck (32 page)

“Well, chief, the good news for you is that you don’t have a say in the matter. Your hands are clean, and your conscience will be clear, I assure you. This is my fight. I started it; I’ll finish it. I won’t let this lie. I don’t have any other choice.”

My gaze never left his as he leapt to his feet sending his chair rolling backward to crash into a bookshelf. He stood behind his desk and planted his hands on top, mirroring me. I had to hand it to Ben, when he got pissed, he looked and sounded quite intimidating. If I had been standing before him as the pitiful waif that I had been for so many years, I imagine I would have run from the room crying. There was no way in hell I would be doing that. I was determined to stand my ground, emotions be damned. Not even Benjamin Chase, the courtroom shark, love of my life, would be able to coax an emotional reaction out of me. Or so I thought.

“It’s not my fucking conscience that I am worried about! You have everything to lose; you just refuse to see it.” His jaw tightened, and he paused before continuing.

“You walk around thinking you have something to prove to everyone. You don’t have to prove anything. Not to me. I know who you are. From the moment I saw you, I knew that I had to find out who you were. I knew that the person that the world sees is a million miles away from what’s inside. I knew that from the start. That’s why I lied my ass off and picked up that stupid book that day.” My breathing stalled, and I stood up straight in front of his desk. Ben’s eyes followed me like a predator preparing to go in for the kill.

“I don’t know everything about your past, and I can’t understand why you can’t let any of this shit go.” I got that sick feeling deep in my gut telling me that I screwed up. Bad.

“Ben, I—”

“No!” He shouted. “I don’t know what the hell happened to you, but I’ve been fighting against an undertow called your past. I have nowhere to go but under because you refuse to throw me a lifeline here. I fell for you as you are. I wish you could see that.” He stood up straight and turned away from me as he walked slowly towards his scenic windows. “To see you fighting against this makes me very sorry for you, Kat. You’re doing your best to keep me at arm’s length, whether you realize it or not. This thing between us scares the shit out of me, too, but I recognized it for what it is, something rare and valuable, and I found the nerve within myself to set my fears aside and gamble on us. I wasn’t a selfish coward! You…” Ben turned to me and jabbed a finger in my direction, making me flinch reflexively. “…are stuck in the past and walking around in the present with a fucking agenda, trying to prove something to everyone including yourself. You are either so damned blind to what’s really in front of your face, or you’re just too spineless to face it. To face me. I’ve begged you to see a therapist about the night terrors, and you dismiss my efforts every time. What else am I supposed to do? This woman…” He waved his hand at me. “…is not the woman I fell for. So even though this kills me, two things Kat: one, you will take a leave of absence until further notice. This office won’t be used as a tool so that you can go on some vigilante suicide mission, nor will I watch you do it; and two, this thing between us is over. I won’t be the only one willing to take a risk on us. If that is the case, then clearly I feel stronger about you than you feel for me. Maybe one day you will wake the hell up, leave the past where it belongs, and let this thing between us really happen.”

My lip quivered, and tears filled my eyes. I stood there staring at him, but he wouldn’t look me in the face. He was dismissing me, telling me to leave. He couldn’t even look at me. I had let him down; I had let us down. I screwed up everything and didn’t even realize what I was losing. Or if I did know it, I clearly ignored the hell out of it. I was so worried about going forward in a relationship. I was worried I would end up hurt. I worried about what I could lose. What I hadn’t counted on was finding and falling for a man who was made for me. I had broken his heart. I had broken my heart. This pain was far worse than any I had imagined when deciding to avoid giving myself over to him completely.

“You said… You called me Kat.” Ben kept his eyes directed away from me as if it pained him to even look at me. He stuffed his hands into his pockets, casually, and stood in front of the windows. He stood stock still and gazed out at the city.

“You should go.”

“Ben, I—”

“Leave!”

I started at his demand, and tears spilled onto my cheek and rolled down my face. I brushed them away, hating what he made me feel. Sadness. Defeat. Regret. Guilt. Love. I sniffled and collected my things to leave. I made my way to his office door, and I felt his eyes on me. I turned just in time to catch a glimpse of him turning back to the windows. He didn’t even want me to see him. I repulsed him. I was so consumed, fighting with ghosts from my past that I let Ben and possibly my future slip through my fingers. I knew I loved him more than anything on earth when he told me to leave his office. That pang of guilt and regret was something you only feel when the one person who holds your heart has been hurt. Ben was hurting. I was the one who was to blame, and I hated myself for that. I wanted nothing more than to make him better. To make me better, to make us better together. He couldn’t stand the sight of me, and quite frankly, neither could I.

Seven weeks later…

Not possible. There’s no way
.

I was lost in my thoughts while I made my way, rather awkwardly, back to my car in the clinic parking lot. I was walking really strangely because my cast had just been taken off. It had been the only thing that remotely excited me in weeks. I was moments from taking nail clippers to that stupid cast. I didn’t care that it would take me a year to get the damn thing off. I was sick and tired of having a troll club for a leg. My walk was off since I was used to hobbling around my apartment with the hard, bulky reminder of the ordeal I had gone through. I unlocked my Honda and waited for the initial wave of Texas heat to escape through my open door before daring to get in. I slid into the seat, started my car, flipped my AC to full blast, and stared off into space like some idiotic half-wit.

“How?” I asked myself.

What I thought would be a simple doctor’s appointment to have my cast removed turned into a life0-altering event, and it all started with my agreeing to begin a prescription of antidepressants. I had been a basket case since Ben and I had broken up. I quit the firm instead of taking a leave of absence. Tossed aside my vendetta by handing over everything I had, including my personal notes to the lead detective assigned the Murray case which included the lovely neighborhood psycho, Janis. It wasn’t so much that I was giving up, as it was I simply had physical and emotional wounds that needed licking and loads of junk food to eat. I had no more to give. No fight left in me. I had lost the man I knew I loved, and it was all my fault. He wanted and needed me, but I had been too consumed with myself. The ‘Happily Ever After’ train left the station with me standing on the platform.

After my kidnapping, I was informed by my doctor that if I felt a specific list of symptoms that I should consider taking an antidepressant. I declined the medication initially, but later realized that I was in a really bad place emotionally and promised myself and Cheyenne that I would tell the doc when I went back in to have my cast removed. I asked for the medication as I promised I would. That’s when the doc informed me that I would be required to give a urine sample before they could prescribe the medication.

I would have liked to have had a photo taken of my face when the doctor returned to the exam room with the shocking news that I could not take the medication we discussed because it was not approved for pregnant women. I would have framed a photo of my face when he told me the news. I imagine it was priceless. I left the clinic in a daze with a referral to see an OBGYN. I drove home and thought about what my next move would be. For once, I was glad Cheyenne had moved out after Tucker had proposed. I missed her every day, of course, but I was thankful that she was not there at the apartment. If she had been there, she would have seen that something was wrong with me and pry until I caved in and told all. She had moved in with Tucker a couple of weeks before.

It took a lot of convincing her that I was happy for her, and I thought she should go for it. That was a raging-gargantuan-bold-faced-lie, of course, but I threw a fit and insisted she go. She finally conceded to my insisting and headed off into the metaphorical sunset with her new fiancé at her side. It made me sick. I was happy for her, but if I were being honest, I was swimming in jealousy. Although it was the innocent, normal type of jealousy and not the vindictive sort, it was still jealousy, which made me feel no better about my shitty love life. I had a man who had me move in with him before I went and trashed it all to hell. It was the only line of thinking that I managed to cling to all day, every day. When I made it back to my apartment, I lay on my couch for the bulk of the two days following the life-changing appointment. I watched mindless TV and stared off into space for nearly two entire days. It had to be a record.

The only thing that roused me from my mindless existence was the appointment with the OBGYN that I had been referred to. I knew I should tell Ben. He deserved to know that I was carrying his child, even if we weren’t seeing each other or speaking. None of that should have mattered. Withholding the news about my pregnancy would be wrong. I couldn’t bring myself to do that to the man I had fallen in love with so effortlessly. I had been so broken-hearted and depressed since we stopped speaking and seeing each other. I proved myself right. I had too much baggage. Too many scars. Too much past to overcome. Too many damned hang-ups. I could never be what Ben needed, what he deserved. I despised myself for that. I would have done anything for him, but I couldn’t forget or let go of my past. Now that I was carrying a tiny little life inside me, I had so much to think about. The first thing I needed to do was to tell Ben that he was going to be a father.

Or I could just move away and raise this baby alone. I could do it. Women do the single mom thing every day and make it along just fine.

I shrugged, giving my thought free reign to wander through possibilities. Inside, I knew that I wanted Ben to know, and I wanted him involved. I could imagine him talking to my swollen belly, holding my hand during labor and delivery, holding our baby in his strong arms. My chest felt heavy, and I wanted to melt into my bed at my empty apartment and cry for days, weeks even. I forced myself to take a few cleansing breaths to force back the tears. The clock on the microwave said 12:27. I knew Ben would likely be having lunch right now. Tears threatened again as I remembered sharing my lunch hour with him. I missed him so. My hand absentmindedly caressed my belly as if touching the space that sheltered his child would somehow ease my longing for him. I carried a part of him within me. It only made me ache for him more. I took another cleansing breath and prepared myself to go to Ben’s office. It took no time to get ready, and I pulled into a parking space at the firm at 12:58. I took the keys out of the ignition and gazed down at my belly. I couldn’t believe I was there to tell Ben the news. I was still in shock mostly, but I knew I had to tell him. I drew in a deep breath while praying for strength. I slung my purse over my shoulder and began to get out. When I saw Ben’s BMW glide into the parking lot, I froze to watch him. He gracefully walked around the fancy car after he parked. He opened the passenger door, and my heart sunk to my gut and tore into a million tiny pieces.

No! Please, no!

I screamed inwardly. The breath left my lungs, and I immediately felt ill. I continued watching as Ben opened the door for his passenger to exit. She slid out of the seat and smiled lovingly at Ben.

“Oh, God, no,” I muttered to myself.

He has moved on. He has a girlfriend.

Ben smiled back at the leggy brunette. She was tall and slender, dressed nicely, and she looked sophisticated. Her makeup was nicely done. Her hair was cut into a choppy kind of style that rested at her shoulders and shined in the sunlight. It pained me to admit that she was attractive. In that moment, she looked like such a lovely lady, that I couldn’t be angry at her. I couldn’t be jealous. I couldn’t find flaws in her. She was with Ben. He was gorgeous, successful, and so many other things that women look for in a man. This mess was my fault.

If I had just given us a shot; a real chance. If I hadn’t been so damned consumed with myself and my past.

I continued watching as she placed a chaste kiss on his cheek, and they hugged. They both smiled and spoke for a moment; then she slunk across the parking lot to her own car and left. Ben waved at her and watched as she drove away, then went into the building. I sunk low into my seat and rested my head on the steering wheel. I was crushed. A familiar feeling swept over me. Consumed me. Engulfed me. It was the feeling that I had only once before felt. It was the same feeling when Aidan told me that I had lost our child in my car accident. It was heartbreak and devastation in its purest form. The feeling squeezed in around me and crushed my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do anything but grip my hand to my chest as I struggled to remain conscious. My shoulders rocked and shuddered as I began to sob forcefully. It truly hurt. I wasn’t sure how long I sat in my car sobbing. I forced myself to stop when I realized that my eyes were swollen and burning. My breathing was uneven as I wiped my face without concern for makeup and dug my keys out of my lap.