Sex & Sourdough (18 page)

After Anders returned to Florida for the start of the new semester, Kevin would have to take a break, get to a town with a bigger medical center, and find out just how much damage his immune system was doing to his lungs.

Every time they passed a resupply point with Wi-Fi, or any town with a cell phone tower, Anders would turn his phone on, glare at the impossible number of voice mails from his ex, and then turn his phone off again.

Since they began sleeping together, they had stayed in Anders’s tent every night. Kevin signed the logs for both of them, taking Bumblebee’s advice and singing them in as Butch and Sourdough. He’d been calling Anders Butch for nearly a thousand miles now, and there had been no other run-ins with his asshole ex-boyfriend in person. But if Anders’s curses every time he turned his phone on were any clue, the man was still looking for him.

Using a trail name also meant that Anders’s father, who didn’t know what name he was traveling under, wouldn’t know how to look for him. Anders insisted his father didn’t care, but if Anders kept avoiding his father’s calls, Kevin wouldn’t be surprised if the local police or FBI ended up asking after Anders at the shelters each night, instead of just the forest service. Rich worried fathers did that kind of thing. Anders insisted his father wouldn’t bother, so long as he stayed in touch by e-mail and showed up for the first day of class.

The mountains of New England were beautiful, and hiking through them with Anders seemed to make every day amazing. Kevin found himself taking more pictures of Anders than he did of the mountains and waterfalls they passed. They spent an average of one night a week in hotels. It was more than Kevin would have preferred if he was alone, but being able to make love to Anders on a bed, or in the shower, was amazing. Everything about Anders was amazing. When he was submissive, he was so enthusiastic about it he would beg and curse for Kevin to take him harder. When he was on top, he found enough leverage to fuck Kevin until he couldn’t remember his own name. If it weren’t for the way Anders lit up every time they crossed a ridge or came across an amazing vista or a beautiful valley, he might have suggested they never leave the tent. Kevin could spend hours watching Anders’s eyes light up when he saw something new and amazing, so detangling himself from Anders’s body each day was worth it.

As they stopped at the Massachusetts state line, Anders turned on his phone long enough to take a picture of the large wooden sign, nailed to a tree above the trail, that marked the border.

“I never thought I’d get this far,” Anders whispered. “I don’t want to leave.”

The sunset cast a soft golden glow through the old forest, making the green underbrush look soft and warm. It also made Anders’s messy curls glow. He shook his head sadly and rolled his shoulders.

Kevin knew it wasn’t his place to say anything, no matter how much he wanted to.

“Should we stop for lunch?” Anders asked.

Kevin shook his head. “There’s a shelter just over a mile ahead.” He nodded toward the sign. “I thought maybe we’d make lunch there, and then stop early tonight?”

“Sounds good,” Anders agreed.

As they walked, Kevin released Anders’s hand but stayed close to him. Just being near him made Kevin happy, and since they were down to their last two days together, he wanted to enjoy it.

“Hey, Kev,” Anders said without looking at him. “Can I ask you something?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you headed back to California when you’re done with the trail?”

“No,” Kevin said automatically. “No, I’m never going back.”

“Oh.” Anders slowed down abruptly. “Do you know where you might be headed?”

“Honestly, I’ve got no idea.” That was how he’d ended up hiking the trail again. He’d been able to find a few odd jobs to earn extra money in Georgia the previous winter, but he hadn’t given any thought to what he’d do next. He hadn’t given any thought to what his next big hike would be this time, either. Given how out of breath he was becoming each day, he wasn’t sure there would be a next big hike. “I’m sure I’ll find something.”

Kevin trailed his fingers down Anders’s arm and squeezed his hand for a moment.

When they stopped near the next shelter, Kevin pulled the proofed bread dough out of his flour sack, dusted the loose flour back into the sack, and turned the dough in his hands, shaping it into a round loaf. He dropped it into the skillet on top of a light dusting of flour, spun his cooking pot in his hands, and nestled it on top of the skillet. He set it on his stove and turned the flame down to its lowest setting, then leaned back against a rock. When Anders sat down beside him, Kevin pulled Anders into his lap and wrapped his arms around him.

“Aren’t you worried people might see?” Anders chuckled. He didn’t try to move away, though.

“So what if people see?” Kevin nipped at the nape of Anders’s neck. “We’ve already racked up our share of strange looks and glares the past couple months.”

Kevin knew Anders didn’t need the reminder. Hikers on the trail were still the same as they’d always been, but they had gotten a few dirty looks in towns along the way.

“There’s no one around,” Kevin argued. They were out of sight of the shelter and the thick New England forest provided a surprising amount of privacy.

“I wouldn’t care if there was. Let them glare….” Anders tilted his neck and Kevin kissed his collarbone.

Kevin shifted Anders to the side and turned off the stove, and then he went back to Anders’s collarbone. He wanted to enjoy their last few nights on the trail more than he wanted fresh bread.

They made it to Pittsfield, Massachusetts, where they got a hotel room for the last time. They arrived in the morning, and Kevin washed their clothes in a shopping center Laundromat while Anders gave up on deleting voice mail and went to get his phone number changed. They ate at a Chinese buffet for lunch, then went back to their hotel room and agreed to order pizza for dinner. Kevin spent the afternoon running his hand through Anders’s curly hair.

“I guess I need to call my dad,” Anders muttered. “I don’t even know which messages might have been from him and which ones were from Joel. There were just too many.”

Kevin ran his fingers over the stubble on Anders’s jaw. “Okay. I’m going to go hop in the shower. Join me when you’re done?”

Anders leaned his head into Kevin’s hand, shutting his eyes. “I’ll be a few minutes still,” he whispered. “I’d rather deal with Joel than my father right now….”

Before Kevin started the water, he heard Anders muttering fast apologies to someone on the other line. Kevin didn’t want to eavesdrop, so he turned the shower on hot to fill the bathroom with steam. Whatever Anders had to say, and whoever he was saying it to, it was none of Kevin’s business.

He stripped off his clothes and tossed them on the floor, instinctively avoiding looking in the mirror. He adjusted his necklace, straightening the black leather cord and setting the tarnished silver vial in the center of his chest. He had meant to polish it months ago, but it was hard to do when he couldn’t take it off.

He held the vial like he’d always seen his grandmother holding her rosary. “I’m totally fucked, Dad,” he whispered to the ashes inside the vial. “This was such a mistake….” He felt stupid for even bothering, since it wasn’t like his dad’s ashes could answer.

Why couldn’t he remember things like this always ended badly? He knew better than to get involved with anyone. He sure as hell knew better than to fall in love. But he’d done just that, stupid as it was. He had no right to act miserable just because Anders was leaving. Just like he had no right to try to protect Anders from his ex-boyfriend. Not that Anders seemed to need protecting.

If anything, Kevin should be relieved. If Anders didn’t leave, it was just a matter of time before the usual panic set in and Kevin said something stupid to end it, to drive Anders away. Better to distance himself than to trap Anders in a position where he would have to watch Kevin’s own immune system slowly kill him. If Anders didn’t leave, sooner or later Kevin would start acting like an asshole. The day he was diagnosed, Kevin swore he would never force anyone to go through the five years of grief and sorrow he had faced when his dad got sick. Especially not someone he cared about.

Anders poked his head through the door. “You’re not in the shower yet.”

Kevin dropped the necklace against his chest.

“You never did tell me what’s in that.”

Kevin just shrugged and left it at that. Telling someone he wore a small vial of human remains tended to freak people out.

Anders rubbed Kevin’s shoulders. “My mom’s got a heart a lot like that one. It has her mother’s ashes in it. Keepsake jewelry, I think is what she calls it.”

“You know what it is?” Kevin met Anders’s eyes in the mirror.

“Just a guess. It’s got your dad’s ashes inside, doesn’t it? That’s why you don’t take it off?”

Kevin nodded slowly. “I just keep it on because I don’t want to lose it. I tied the cord tight enough that it can’t slip off over my head. I swear I’m not obsessive about it. Half the time I don’t even remember I’m wearing it. It…. It doesn’t freak you out?”

“No, not really. I’m not much of a believer in the afterlife, so it doesn’t matter to me either way. I can’t imagine how I would deal with losing one of my parents—if it helps, it helps.”

“I hope you’ll have a few decades before you have to face that.” Kevin touched the silver container again. “He… he was an agnostic. Never went to church, didn’t want to be buried or have a tombstone…. Personally, I think it was just because Sunday was the only day the bakery was closed, and he didn’t want to be stuck in church when he could have been hiking or watching football. It was never an issue until he actually died. Then it fell to me to figure out how a funeral is supposed to go without a church, or burial, or any real religion. It was weird.”

“I suppose this is an option.” Anders tweaked the cord. “You got stuck planning everything?”

“Yeah. I had been taking care of the bakery and the house for a long time already. My mom was a mess, and my sister was just a kid, so…. It doesn’t matter.” Kevin felt Anders’s forehead press against his shoulder. Rough lips and stubble touched his skin and then followed the ridge of his shoulder down to his bicep.

“You had to take care of the entire business, the funeral and everything, while you were still in high school?”

“No.” Kevin chuckled, reaching for the vial again. “He was sick for years before he died. I dropped out when I was sixteen, and started picking up the slack while my mom ran stuff.”

“You dropped out?”

“Yeah. California’s got a high-school proficiency exam, it’s like a GED. I took that so I could work full-time. My mom needed the help. She’d never had to tackle everything on her own before. It wasn’t until the last two years that she kind of lost it. I turned twenty-one just before he died. To be honest, I don’t even remember that birthday. It’s supposed to be such a big deal, you know? Go out and get shitfaced without a fake ID… but I put in twelve hours at the bakery and fell asleep in the hallway outside his hospital room instead. My mom couldn’t do anything after he died. There were some days where she didn’t even leave her room. After the cremation, she came back to herself, but it took a few months before she could even walk into the bakery without crying. I always figured I’d go to college once things settled down, but when they settled down, I got sick. There didn’t seem to be much point in student loans, a career, and an IRA at that point. Why save money to retire when I’m not likely to live to see sixty? Shittiest timing ever….”

“Sixty? Even though you were diagnosed young?”

“I don’t know. It’s all a matter of chance, you know? If I keep taking meds, keep up with my doctors, they can slow down the progression. But when I think about being stuck in a nursing home bed, strapped to an oxygen machine….” Kevin released the vial and spread his fingers over his chest. “I’d rather not live long enough to be stuck like that.”

Anders pressed his cheek against Kevin’s shoulder. “We can’t make bread in a hotel….” Anders said, out of the blue. He took Kevin’s hand and tugged him toward the bathtub. “Take a shower with me instead?”

“Anytime.”

The next day, Kevin walked Anders to the Greyhound station. Anders planned on catching a bus to Albany, New York, where he could buy a plane ticket back to Florida. After he bought his ticket, he wandered toward a bench outside. Kevin followed and sat down, not sure what to say. Anders held the ticket in front of him, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He glanced sideways at Kevin. “It should arrive in thirty minutes.”

“Thirty minutes, hmm? So….” Kevin caught himself before he could rub Anders’s knee. “Was it worth it?”

“This summer?” Anders chuckled. “Hell yes. I think it might be the only thing I’ve ever done that was worthwhile. If you ever end up going through Florida, you should come to Jax and look me up.”

Kevin gave in and set his hand on Anders’s thigh. “Honestly, I can’t see myself in Florida. It’s called the sunshine state, isn’t it?”

Anders nodded. “And you’re allergic to sunshine. But it’s warm.”

Kevin leaned back, putting a bit of distance between them to keep himself from kissing Anders.

“Last one going to Albany today,” Anders said, holding up his ticket.

“Good timing, then. I suppose you need a few extra days, to buy books and stuff.”

“I don’t have any extra days left. I don’t have to worry about books. My dad probably bought them all for me months ago.” Anders stared at his ticket again. “Would it be horrible of me to say thank you?”

“It’d be weird.”

Anders rolled his eyes. “And you’re nothing if not normal. I mean, thank you for helping me at Springer Mountain. And for helping me when I got sick. I keep telling myself I would have figured it out, that I could have managed this on my own, but I don’t think I could have. Even if I had made it off Springer Mountain, I would have been a wreck by the time I met up with Joel, and then…. So, thank you.”

“Sure. You think you’ll ever come back to finish? See Katahdin in real life?”