Sex & Sourdough (37 page)

Instead of a message from Spider, there was a video text message on Anders’s phone. Kevin tapped the link to play the video before he looked at the name of the contact. “Seriously?” He glared down at Anders’s sleeping form. “Why the fuck is Jen sending
you
text messages?”

The screen went blank for a moment, and then a grainy video began to play. Kevin recognized the living room of his childhood home instantly, complete with the cracked and broken blinds. The video panned to the hallway, then followed a streak of gray fur back to the window, up the blinds, over a shelf of knickknacks, and then off the couch and back to the hallway. “Just wanted to show you what you were in for,” said Jennifer, somewhere off-camera. The video moved again, following Budapest through another lap around the living room. “She was mellow when you were here, but it never lasts.” The camera moved again, following the cat as she launched herself off the shelf, knocking half the knickknacks down, then the video stopped.

Kevin stared at the gray blur, trying not to laugh. After all these years, Budapest was still crazy, and probably still adorably fat too. After all these years, she was still alive and sprinting around the living room like a kitten on methamphetamine. He’d never imagined that his elderly monster of a shelter cat would just go on living, but she’d done just that. She might be doomed to running laps through a comfortable home instead of sprinting through the wild, but she was still running.

Kevin smiled, shaking his head slowly. His immune system might succeed in killing him quickly, or he might beat the odds and live to be an old man. He’d been so busy feeling sorry for himself, he’d forgotten no one else’s path in life was any more certain than his. Some freak accident or psychotic ex-boyfriend could steal Anders away from him without warning. He’d been so busy waiting to die that he’d let three years of his life pass him by.

He couldn’t do that again.

His time with Anders, however long it might be, was worth too much to let a single moment slip away. It was time to stop being afraid of his life ending. It was time to start living it instead.

When the video ended, Kevin saw his sister’s name and phone number in Anders’s contacts list. His thumb moved on its own, placing the call before his brain even realized what was happening. He listened to the phone ring, his heart racing as he realized he still didn’t know what to say. “This is Jenny, leave a message” came his sister’s cheerful voice mail greeting. Kevin let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and ended the call. He set the phone back down on the tray and then slumped over the bed near Anders’s knee to rest.

When the phone vibrated a moment later, the long drawn-out vibration of an incoming call, Kevin cracked his eyes open and thought about ignoring it. He pulled the phone to him and accepted the call. “Hello.”

“Anders?”

Kevin heard Jennifer’s voice, older and deeper than he remembered, and felt his breath catch in his throat.

“Anders? Is everything okay? I didn’t actually mean to scare you out of adopting the little monster, you know. The only things she really destroys are blinds and curtains.”

Kevin remembered. Not just the way the cat terrorized his sister, but everything. The glint as Jennifer’s eyes lit up when their dad put freshly baked cookies in the bakery’s cooling rack. The ridiculous songs she made up about her chores when she thought no one would hear her singing. He recalled the way she had hunched into a tiny ball on the linoleum hallway of the nursing home, hugging her knees while she tried to puzzle through her math homework.

“What makes you think you can give away my cat?” Kevin whispered, grinning into the phone.

“Anders?” Jennifer asked.

“No,” Kevin whispered. “No, it’s me….”

“Kevin?” He voice cracked over the phone.

“Yeah… I….” Kevin’s gaze darted around Anders’s hospital room desperately. He remembered the smile on Anders’s face three nights ago, remembered his advice. “Hello,” he whispered.

And somehow, that was enough. Jennifer shouted through the phone, called out for their mom, and began to talk a mile a minute, just like she had when they were children. Kevin let her voice wash over him, let the spark of a connection kindle inside him again. Soon, he found himself chatting with her as easily as he had when she was twelve years old, and he found himself smiling. He was glad she didn’t quiz him about where he’d been, but he told her anyway. He told her everything, and as soon as he said the words he felt as though the past three years lifted from his shoulders. Jennifer passed the phone off, and his mother’s voice made him choke all over again. Hearing her voice again, he found himself smiling and holding his eyes shut so he wouldn’t cry.

All at once, everything poured out of him. All of his fear, his isolation, his dread came out in machine-gun quick words, revealing the past three years of his life in rapid bursts of words and emotion, culminating with the story of how he had almost lost Anders two days earlier. He was determined not to cry as he spoke, but he failed. For her part, his mom just listened, quietly offering the support and encouragement he so desperately needed. He gave up trying not to cry.

They talked about the bakery, about bread recipes, and the franchise location Anders intended to open.

“But if you and Anders are going into business together, it’s not exactly a franchise, is it? It’s just another location. You’re still family, after all, no matter how far away you get.”

“Am I?” Kevin asked, turning the conversation toward the topic he was sure they were both avoiding.

“Always, Kevin,” his mother chided. “Always.”

Despite the apparent humor in her voice, Kevin was certain he could hear tears too. “God, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to apologize enough….”

“You’re not the one who needs to be apologizing, Kevin,” his mom said certainly. “You inherited so much more than just this horrible disease from your dad, shouldering everything alone to take care of us. You will always be family, no matter how far away you go. You will always have a home with us, even if you don’t want or need it. You’ll always be my little boy.” She sniffled. “You were still a boy, and I let everything fall on you. You should never have had to deal with so much alone, but I… I was so lost without him. I didn’t even think about how much you had done for us until I had to start picking up where you left off….”

“No, Mom, I….” Kevin wanted to tell her it was all right, that it was his responsibility, his job. But that was exactly what he’d spent so many years resenting. At sixteen, he had stepped up to take care of his mom and sister, and their business, when all he’d wanted to do was play football and go skiing. He hadn’t been consciously resentful, even when his mother was too grief-stricken to notice, because he had assumed he’d have the rest of his life to fit in the things he wanted to do. Six months after his father died, that consolation had been stolen and he’d been left with nothing beyond the resentment and fear.

“That’s right, Kevin. I am your mother. I was a grown woman, and I was the one who was supposed to be taking care of you. I never meant for you to grow up that fast. I can’t even begin to imagine how terrifying it had to be, watching your father die just to be told that you had the same disease. I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to see what you were going through, to help you….” Her voice cracked as she whispered the words, and a quiet sob echoed over the phone.

“Mom, I never….”

“No,” she scolded between sobs. “You don’t need to make excuses for me, either. I am so sorry, Kevin… and even if you drop off the face of the earth again, I’m damn glad I got a chance to say it.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Kevin sighed. “We’ll have time, Mom. Time to sort through everything. I don’t know how much time I’ve got, but if Anders is willing to put up with me… I’m staying here. I’m staying with him.”

“Good.” His mom’s voice was absolute. “Maybe… maybe we could….” Her voice quivered again.

“When everything is settled, do you want to come visit?” Kevin asked. “It’s beautiful down here. Kind of fake, but beautiful.”

Kevin heard her quiet sobs cut by laughter. “Beautiful and fake, hmm? I think a visit would be nice. Especially since Anders won’t be able to come pick up Pest like he planned.”

“When did that happen?” Kevin asked, sincerely curious.

“Last week,” Gwen explained. “She really does need a male owner, I think, and she just adored him when he was here. Jen and I don’t have time for her, and she could use the company. She’d be better off with another cat to play with, but I can’t possibly handle another one at this point.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Kevin promised.

“Oh, what hospital is Anders in? Jen needs to know for the flower website.”

“Mom,” Kevin said, blushing, “Anders is a man. He doesn’t do… flowers.”

“If you won’t tell me, I’ll just call back until I catch him. I need to have a word with him, anyway, about him not telling us he was hurt in his text message this morning.”

“Mom….” Kevin smiled, despite the lingering embarrassment. If felt good to remember he had a mother, still. To know she approved of him, she didn’t hate him for being gay or for being too much of a coward to tell her the truth, left him feeling lighter than he’d felt in years. Even arguments and nagging felt wonderful and painfully raw at the same time. “He’s being discharged this afternoon, anyway,” he argued.

A flicker of movement from the corner of his eye caught his attention. Anders was awake and grinning at him. “And he’s awake. Can I let you go?”

When he finally brought the lengthy good-byes to a close, he handed the phone to Anders. “My sister sent you a video of my cat,” he explained, pressing play. “Since when do you get video messages from my sister?”

“Family gets to conspire against you.” Anders tried to chuckle. He watched the video with a huge grin on his face. “I love that cat.”

“Were you going to mention adopting her?” Kevin asked.

Anders rolled his head to the side, blinking slowly. “No. I know you’re uncomfortable enough just depending on me while you’re recovering. No matter how things work out, I want her. And I want a kitten too. And a little catnip garden thingy….”

“You are totally stoned.” Kevin laughed, enjoying the befuddled, sleepy look on Anders’s face.

“Am not,” Anders grumbled. His head lolled in the other direction. “All right, maybe I am. Did Spider call back about the memorial?”

“Baxter State Park is closed, so it won’t be until next April at the earliest.”

“What about the one down here?”

“The coroner hasn’t released the body yet, so it’ll be next week. You won’t be able to drive with your arm in a cast, so we might have to take a bus.”

Anders nodded slowly. “Did they say anything?”

“They finally said when he died—or their best guess, anyway.”

“When?”

“Five weeks ago,” Kevin said gently.

“Five weeks?” Anders shook his head as if he could somehow deny it. “Right after I left the trail?”

“Right after Spider and Chex Mix got me to the hospital,” Kevin confirmed.

Anders squeezed his eyes shut. “Chex was already dead when Joel showed up at my family’s house…. He could have killed them. He could have killed you.”

“And he could have killed
you
,” Kevin pointed out. “He was dangerous, Anders. I think even if you had stayed with him, it just would have been a matter of time before he killed you.”

Anders shook his head again. “I… fuck, I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Kevin squeezed Anders’s knee. All of the things that could have happened just drove home how lucky they were to be sitting there together. “Hey, were you going to mention that you’re buying into a franchise agreement with my bakery?”

“I was going to tell you about it eventually. I’m serious about opening a bakery. It’s one of the most successful artisan bakeries around.” Anders closed his eyes for several seconds, then opened them again and grinned. “I know Cole was an asshole about it, and I didn’t want you to think that I just wanted you around because of the bakery. I figured I’d just play it by ear.”

“You’re not going to buy into a franchise agreement for
my
bakery.”

“I’m not?”

“No. My mom agreed with me, so don’t even think about arguing.”

“Three out of three owners have already agreed to the franchise agreement.” Anders grinned. “Gwen, Jennifer, and your attorney.”

“Well, too bad, because I think it’s time for me to revoke that power of attorney. I’m not selling franchise rights—not to you, anyway. I’m totally up for taking on a partner, though.”

Anders smiled at him softly. “And when things don’t work out?” he asked. “When you get scared and run away?”

“I’m not running away,” Kevin insisted. “But if you’re really worried about what might happen if things fall apart, can’t your family draw up some kind of contract that would cover us breaking up?”

“Like a buy-out agreement?”

“Hmm?”

“We can come up with something. No one in my family can write the contract, though. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“I’m sure they could write something fair.”

“No, they couldn’t,” Anders insisted. “You don’t know them, Kev. They’ll find a way to ruin it.”

Kevin smiled. Anders had to be stoned, because he knew alcohol was the only thing that usually made Anders so blunt. “So you do it.”

“Not sure that would be fair, either.”

Kevin rubbed his eyebrows, trying to figure out how having Anders write a partnership agreement to open a bakery with him would really be all that different from paying someone else to write down what they wanted. “I trust you, Anders,” he said simply.

Anders smiled up at him. “I know. That’s why I don’t want to do anything that would make us get off on the wrong foot. I don’t want to put you in a position you’re going to resent later. And I’m not going to let anyone in my family put you in a position you’d resent, either. It’s got to be someone else.”

“I was going to say that I don’t think you need to worry about it, but your family is weird,” Kevin admitted.