Shackled Lily (20 page)

I didn’t say a word this time in the group, only nodded in agreement to whatever they wanted to do. It felt as if time was moving backwards, leaving me stuck in there for what seemed like hours. We finished our classroom assignment and waited as the professor gave final instructions before releasing us. I stood quickly and grabbed my purse. Maybe Jason or Candace was on campus and could give me a ride home. I wasn’t getting back in that car with Robbie.

I was just starting to text them when I felt Robbie behind me, once again closer than necessary. “Put that away. I’ll take you home.” It was not a request.

“No thanks. I’ll find my own way,” I snapped, moving away from him again.

I felt my arm being grasped and then I was spun around to face him. He took the phone out of my hand and leaned into me again. “I’ll take you home. Your father entrusted you with me, and I’m not handing you off to someone else,” he demanded sternly.

“Fine,” I said through gritted teeth.

He handed back my phone, which I quickly put out of sight in my purse, and gestured toward the car. I walked ahead of him and climbed in as the driver held it open. Robbie was right behind me and looked as angry as I felt. The tension was palpable and seemed to grow thicker as we drove.

Then, as if he flipped a switch, Robbie’s face relaxed into a smile. “I guess I’ll have to get used to that fiery temper of yours,” he conceded with a chuckle.

It was official. This guy was delusional. “Robbie, this is the last time we will be hanging out, so you don’t have to worry about getting used to anything,” I replied sharply.

“We’ll see how you feel after you calm down,” he said dismissively. “Things always look differently after a little sleep, and I’m sure you’re exhausted after last night.”

I didn’t argue. I didn’t want to think about last night. I just wanted out of this car and out of these clothes, which I strongly considered burning as soon as I got home.

The sight of my house almost brought tears of joy knowing that I would soon be free of the metal prison I was sitting in. The driver parked the car and I opened the door before he could get out of his seat. I was almost free when I felt my hand being tugged and Robbie’s moist lips on my fingers again.

“Get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said smoothly.

I jerked my hand away and took off in a sprint up the stairs to my house. I slammed the door just for good measure and put my back to it, feeling adrenaline surge through my entire body. My chest was heaving up and down as my palms ran over the detailing in the wood door. I could feel myself getting out of control; the fear, anger and regret pouring through me in waves.

I didn’t look up until I heard footsteps and saw Grant stepping out of my father’s office. He stared at me for a long time, standing there frozen to the door, and just shook his head before walking away towards his room. The emotion I had just started to get under control came rushing back as I watched him retreat, and I felt my body catapult forward after him.

“Hey, don’t you judge me and walk away,” I screamed, taking out all my fury on him. “So you’re done with me, huh? Fine, I never asked you for anything to begin with.”

I had followed him into his room where he was throwing some clothes in a duffle bag. My breath caught as I looked around. It was completely bare, except for a small bible on his nightstand. His posters, personal affects, everything else had disappeared. “What happened to all your stuff?” I asked suddenly, forgetting we were in the middle of an argument.

He didn’t turn to me or react in any way. Just calmly explained, “Issy, I’ve had my own apartment for over a year now. I just stay here when I have to.”

I couldn’t believe it. I had been so focused on my life since coming here, I failed to even notice that Grant had moved out. The thought hit me harder than I cared to admit. I wanted him here. He was my rock, my one source of stability in
a world that felt completely chaotic.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, still in shock over knowing he had his own life outside of this house.

Grant finally turned to me, his eyes cold and hard. He only looked at me like that when I hurt him, but for some reason, it held no satisfaction today. “Frankly, Issy, it’s none of your business where I live. Although, I’m sure you’ve got a case of whiplash from the leap you took from ‘the help’ to a billionaire’s son. I bet your daddy is licking his chops,” he spit out, sarcasm dripping from his lips. He looked me up and down in disgust and turned away. “You’re even starting to look like one of them.”

Anxiety took over my stomach again as I thought of waking up with nothing but a nightgown on. I hadn’t asked Robbie for details on exactly what “intimate” meant and the idea that his hands were on me last night made me want to burn off all of my flesh. I pushed it out of my mind, choosing to focus on Grant instead. I didn’t want him mad at me, and I certainly didn’t want him leaving. “Grant, please don’t be like this,” I pleaded walking over to him and putting my hand on his arm.

He tensed under me and turned to look at me again. His eyes still cold. “You promised,” was all he said before he resumed shoving clothes in his bag.

“Promised what? Why are you so mad at me?”

He spun around in shock and stared at me, my face showing all the confusion that I felt inside. “After motorcycle guy, you promised me you wouldn’t do that to me again. Leave me with images of you and someone else together all night long. Then I get a phone call from lover boy who treats me like some insignificant idiot, while he tells me that you and him are going to make a night of it. It’s like you dream up new ways each day to rip my heart out. I can’t do it anymore.”

“So you’re mad at me because Robbie made you feel insignificant?”

“No, I’m mad at you because you did!” he yelled, his eyes betraying all he was feeling.

He wasn’t insignificant. In fact, he was the most significant person in my life right now. I had to make him see that. “Grant, I didn’t want to be there. I drank too much and blacked out. I woke up in some strange room with a strange nightgown on. My purse and clothes were gone, and my father was nowhere to be found. I don’t want Robbie Marsh! Everything about him makes me sick.” My voice was shaking and I knew I had tears in my eyes. I tried to pull them back, but I couldn’t. There was too much emotion surging through me.

Grant looked like a statue as I spoke, taking in all I just threw at him. “What do you mean you blacked out?” he finally asked.

“We were drinking tequila and messing around with some archery
stuff while my father finished his business dinner. That is the last thing I remember until this morning.”

I watched as Grant ran his hands through his hair, anger starting to turn into concern. “Is this the first time you’ve blacked out?”

“No, I did that night with Jason too, but it wasn’t as drastic,” I answered honestly feeling somewhat relieved to tell someone about it.

Grant turned to me, his face unreadable. “Do you have any idea how dangerous that is, Issy. You’ve blacked out twice in less than a week, both times with men who you’ve only known for a few weeks. They could do anything to you and you wouldn’t even know it.”

“They didn’t. I asked both of them and they didn’t,” I explained, my voice still shaking with fear.

“So they say,” he yelled exasperated. “You really don’t know. Guys like Robbie Marsh are used to getting whatever they want. How does this not terrify you?”

“It does, but I went there with my father, Grant. I never imagined he’d just leave me,” I screamed, tears spilling over now. I turned to flee, but I felt Grant’s arms around me, holding me tightly from behind.

“You have to stop drinking, Issy. It’s out of control, and one of these days, your luck is going
to run out and you are either going to kill yourself or find yourself in a position with devastating results.” His voice was honey sweet again, the harshness gone and I turned into him, holding on for dear life. He caressed my hair and told me it would be ok. I wanted to believe him, wanted so badly to finally let myself go. But then he said it, and everything came into focus once again.

“Baby, I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself.”

I’m not even sure he knew he said it out loud, but it didn’t matter. He said it. I stiffened under him and pulled away, my mind and body fully back in control. “I need a shower,” I said, excusing myself.

Grant’s face grew stern again. “Why does my loving you scare you so much, Issy? Stop running from me. I’m not going to disappoint you. Don’t you see that you can count on me?”

“Love is for the weak, Grant, and I am not weak. I’m not a broken girl that needs to be fixed or a project that you can take to church to make better,” I replied bitterly.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Issy. Loving and being vulnerable is hard. It takes courage to feel, courage to hurt. This shell you’ve created to keep everyone out—that’s weak
ness, Issy.”

“I am who I am, and if you don’t like it, then go away.” Despite my anger, I felt my heart constrict with each word I spoke.

Grant just shook his head and resumed packing before dismissing me with his hand. “Whatever, Issy, I’ve been in love with a ghost for years now. What’s one more disappearing act?”

I turned to leave before my heart took over and pulled me back to him.

“Issy,” I heard over my shoulder. I didn’t turn around. “I won’t wait for you forever.”

I didn’t acknowledge him, just took off running up the stairs.

18
. the new jake

The morning didn’t offer me any relief from my agony. My father had left for New York, so I still hadn’t been able to confront him about leaving me at Robbie’s. Worse, I was having a terrible reaction to my blackout this time. I woke up in a sweat at least three times last night after dreaming of Robbie taking advantage of me. In every dream, I was trapped in some room, unable to move or escape. I would call for help from my father, but he would just smile and walk away, leaving me alone and vulnerable to whatever Robbie wanted to do. Just as he would begin touching me, I would wake up shaking and terrified.

I finally gave up on sleep and got ready for school. I didn’t have to be at breakfast this morning, but even that fact didn’t ease the tension I felt all around me. I went to the armoire and found my stash. I had promised myself I would cut back on the drinking after yesterday, but this morning was not the time to start my new resolve. My hands were shaking uncontrollably and my heart wouldn’t stop racing as I took the first drink. The burn immediately made me feel better, but it took two more before the shaking stopped.

I looked in the mirror and still saw the stripped, controlled version of myself that Robbie loved and immediately hated my reflection. I tore through my closet until I found the wildest punk outfit I owned and put it on. The gray, faded jeans were torn to shreds at the kneecaps and my long-sleeved
Wild Cats
t-shirt was also torn up at the torso, but I wore a strawberry red tank top underneath it. I put the same color red streaks in my hair to where the black was only visible underneath. The final touch was to add my nose ring and multiple chains and bracelets. It was the first time I had seen the true Issy in days and immediately felt a surge of confidence and adrenaline. This was
my
life, and I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me how to live it anymore. I was not and would never be my mother, and if my father or Robbie Marsh thought they’d turn me into her, they were sadly mistaken.

I took one more drink of my liquid courage and bounced down the stairs. My father’s office door was open and I detoured
to peak in. Grant was sitting at his desk working on the computer when I came in and jumped on the chair in front of the desk.

“Hey! Whatcha doing?” I asked playfully, feeling more and more like myself.

Grant glanced up at me for a second and then back down at the computer. He looked tense and irritated, and I couldn’t tell if he was happy to see me or not. “I’m once again stuck here to babysit you, Issy, while your dad is off doing the final negotiations on the merger. Since you’ve gotten home, I’ve been left out of every meeting and have had limited view of the contracts. Somehow my college degree and years of experience has earned me ‘nanny’ status.” His voice was as cold as his posture, and I quickly realized that he was still mad at me.

“That’s not my fault, Grant. Maybe my dad is threatened that you are getting too good and may want to do something else. He’s tricky like that, you know,” I offered, still trying to keep the mood light.

Grant looked back up at me and his eyes held no affection. “Of course it’s your dad’s fault, because it couldn’t be yours, right Issy?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I yelled standing up.

“How much have you had to drink today? I mean it’s nine in the morning, surely you’ve touched your flask by now.” I stared at him with my mouth ajar, but he didn’t relent. “Your dad is terrified you are going to kill yourself, and based on that outfit, I’m sure you are already well on your way today. So yes, Issy, I’m left here, hopelessly in charge of making sure you survive until your dad returns tomorrow night.”

I couldn’t move or speak, just felt the rage turn inside me with such intensity that I truly felt steam coming out of my ears. This was the same guy who had just judged me for looking like one of them yesterday.

“Thanks for not disappointing me,” I hissed through gritted teeth and tore out of the office. Grant was siding with my father now, too. Was there anyone left who was on my side?

I got my answer really quickly when Jason didn’t show for class, and Reggie opted to take a seat on a different row. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, Kari was upset at me also because I forgot to show for our study session yesterday. I had completely forgotten. I tried to apologize, and she accepted, but couldn’t seem to fit another meeting in her schedule.

In the interest of self-preservation, I didn’t even go to lunch for fear that the cold shoulder would be unbearable with Rusty and Reggie at the same table. By the time I got into Shakespeare, my nerves were so tense that the “fight or flight” feeling was consuming me.

When Jason walked into class and settled behind me, I almost hugged him. “Hey,” I said, turning around to face him. “You weren’t in class today.”

He glanced up at me, his eyes full of hurt and anger that seemed misplaced if they were meant for me. I thought we were good.

“You made the headlines again,” he said flatly as he handed me this morning’s society section. My hands were shaking when I took it, not wanting to see anything that would have him this upset.

It was another picture of me and Robbie, only this time, we were locked in a kiss that looked far more passionate that anything I’d ever felt with him. They must have gotten it yesterday when he trapped me after getting out of his car.

The headline read:
ITS GETTING SERIOUS
. The caption below was even more exaggerated.

“
Robbie Marsh and Kaitlyn ‘Isadora’ Summers are now sharing rides to school, and some sources even say they’ve been sharing overnight accommodations. Neither side would give an official comment, but Mr. Marsh’s public relations rep did confirm that Robbie was happier than she’d ever seen him. Will a ‘Save the Date’ announcement be coming soon? I think so…
”

My stomach turned as the bile sat just on the back of my tongue. “You shouldn’t believe everything you read,” I replied sharply, handing the paper back to him.

“Well, a picture says a thousand words,
Isadora
,” he retorted sarcastically, adding extra emphasis on the name they had used in the paper.

“Don’t call me that,” I spatted before turning back around in my chair. If I hadn’t been so angry, I knew the tears would have come, but I was seeing red. I listened as the TA reminded us that our monologues were due on Friday, and that no make-ups would be given. I made it through the first thirty minutes of class, but then finally excused myself, telling the TA that I wasn’t feeling well and would see her on Friday. I hadn’t even looked at that monologue, but I didn’t care. I just wanted out of that room, out of the building and off of this horrible campus.

I got in my car and started driving, not really caring where I was going. Fifteen minutes later, I was on the highway heading towards Winsor. I didn’t care what the backlash would be. I just had to get out of there. My phone rang, and I saw Robbie’s name light up. I pressed “ignore” and accelerated. It didn’t seem to matter how fast or far I drove, the chains kept following me.

When I finally got to Jake’s apartment, I sighed in relief, knowing that at least one person I saw today wouldn’t hate me. I went to let myself in when I realized the key didn’t work. Crud! I forgot he moved. I grabbed my phone and called him. Voicemail. I texted him next telling him I was in town and needed directions to his apartment. A few minutes later, the text came, and I jumped with joy.

His apartment was actually a condo in the most upscale part of Asheville. I had to punch in a gate code just to enter the area and found his door just around the corner. The complex was notably high-class and obviously not your typical “campus” housing. I questioned how Jake could afford to live here, but pushed it out of my mind. It was none of my business anyway.

He opened the door on my first knock and pulled me in for a big hug. I just held on to him, the tears finally making their way to my eyes.

“Hey sweetie! What are you doing here?” he asked as he held me.

I willed the tears away and then put on my most cheery face before letting him go. “I felt like playing with my cousin tonight. You game?” I asked with a smile while I took him in. He looked totally different. He was wearing a fitted gray suit and tie that hung loose around his neck. His shirt was untucked and was still partially unbuttoned. I looked around him and saw why. She was putting on her shoes and was meticulously dressed in a fitted suit. Her hair was a polished blond and styled in a bob to her shoulders.

I raised my eyebrow at him and he just gave me a devilish smile before pulling me into the condo. The blond walked by him and kissed his cheek before grabbing her keys. He barely acknowledged her exit, and instead turned to ask me what I thought of the place.

“I’m not sure, Jake, I’m still trying to process you in a suit,” I admitted, not mentioning that I had never seen him treat a girl so disrespectfully before. This behavior was not what I had in mind when I told him to live a little.

He finished buttoning his shirt and straightened his tie. “I’m a working guy now, Issy. My new job is amazing.”

Jake went on to tell me how all of this happened so fast. He had been interning at this stock company for months when right after New Year’s, his boss came in and offered him a full time position with a signing bonus and commission. He took it immediately and readjusted his entire schedule to work around it. One the guys in his office told him about the three-bedroom condo he owned, and asked if Jake was interested in splitting the rent. Jake had originally turned him down because of Avery. He hadn’t wanted to give up the privacy his apartment gave them.

He continued to fill me in, taking a seat on the stiff black sofa in the living room. “So after you left last week, my first course of action was to call and take the space. That apartment held nothing but bad juju for me anyways,”

I watched him as he sat there, looking like an arrogant yuppie with his legs crossed and his arms stretched out across the back of the couch which held no cushions, and felt my stomach drop a little.

“Please tell me this version of you is for the people you work with, and my Jake will reappear sometime during the night.” My voice was sharper than I intended as I sat down opposite him on one of the black club chairs that looked like the back had been sliced off at the arm rests. Don’t get me wrong, I love modern décor, but this room was all black and white with no color or personality. Jake was a jock who loved the outdoors and comfy, leather couches. He’d always dressed nicely, but never cared what country his shoes came from before. This new Jake could probably quote me the type of leather he was wearing.

“Sorry Issy, this is the new me,” he confirmed standing. “I’m blissfully happy and completely over my poor lapse in judgment.”

I slanted my eyes at him. “You’re lying.”

Jake then turned things around on me. “Well, I was going to take you by the office, but I can’t take you anywhere looking like that, Issy. What got into you this morning?” he asked appraising my look.

“I don’t know, maybe a personality, or maybe I’m finally taking a stand that I am not Kaitlyn Summers, Daddy’s robot princess. What about you, Jake? Should we go back to your apartment and get your personality, because your eyes look about as colorful as this over-priced yuppie condo.”

Jake smiled and there was a hint of a sparkle that disappeared almost as quickly as it came. He pulled me into another hug and promised to go change. “I need you to tone down your look just a little, though. I’m taking you out tonight, and we’ll definitely be seeing people I work with.”

I let out a dramatic sigh and rolled my eyes. “I’d love to help you out, Jake, but I kind of came spontaneously. No bags, sorry.”

Jake smiled mischievously and wrapped his arm around me as he led me into his room. “Well, it turns out that you left a small wardrobe of clothes at my old place, and I was kind enough to have them cleaned and waiting here for you. They’ve actually been a great resource for me when the women get to clingy.”

“I seriously almost threw up in my mouth, Jake,” I said, my lip turning up in disgust. “I don’t want to hear anything about your late night escapades.”

Jake laughed a genuine, hardy laugh and squeezed me tighter. “I love you being here,” he admitted.

Jake’s bed was still in disarray from earlier and I gasped when I saw the black satin sheets that adorned his platform bed. He had officially met every stereotype of a man whore. The room was a carbon copy of the living room, and felt just as cold and empty.

“Was this place already furnished?” I asked in horror.

“Of course not. I picked all this out myself, what do you think?” he asked proudly as he tidied up the bed.

“I think you need some color in your life, Jake.”

“You’re all the color I need, Issy,” he replied with a sarcastic smile. I punched his arm and then started looking through his closet that was full of every type of suit possible. My clothes were all the way to the left and had dry cleaning bags over them. I pulled out one of my favorite dresses and went to the bathroom to change. Jake had a few of my shoes as well, which was good considering I only brought my combat boots. The dress was a dark sage green and had a corset type top with a billowy skirt hitting just below the knees. My accessories and hair dressed it down a little and kind of made me look like a walking contradiction. I liked the look and touched up my makeup with the stash in my purse.