Shadow Girl (6 page)

Jules woke up hopeful. She tiptoed into the hallway to look into her dad’s room.

Empty. He’s left me now. Until forever
.

She stomped her feelings down. It was a school day, and she had to be there. School was part of the normal world, and she needed something normal to keep her from feeling like she didn’t exist.

Jules wandered around the house and somehow managed to get dressed and out the door. She went up Martin Grove, hoping that Patsy hadn’t left for school yet. She needed to talk to another human being. Luckily, Patsy was home.

“You’re early, Jules,” Mrs. O’Connor said, looking at the clock.

“Uh, yeah. I got ready really fast today.”

“C’mon in. Patsy’s still eating.”

Patsy’s house was full of noise. Everybody seemed to be talking and yelling at the same time from every room. Patsy was alone in the kitchen, stuffing cereal into her mouth, spilling drops of milk all over herself.

“Hey, Jules,” she said, her cheeks bulging. “Glad you came over. Do you wanna go by Wedgewood School and shoot snowballs at the Protestant kids?”

“Sure.”

Anything for a distraction
.

“What’s that you’re going to do?” Mr. O’Connor asked as he walked into the kitchen.

“Oh, nothing, Dad.”

“I don’t want you coming home with another black eye.”

Patsy beamed. She’d given as good as she got that day.

Jumping up from her place at the table, she said, “Let’s get out of here, Jules. Or we’ll have to go to school with my brother and sister.” Patsy grabbed her coat and had it half on by the time she opened the back door. “Isn’t this the ugliest coat you’ve ever seen on the face of the earth?”

“Gee, I don’t know, Patsy. It’s not that bad.”

“I can hardly wait to grow out of it.”

“But then you’ll just get another of your sister’s old jackets.”

“She’s not growing as fast as I am, Mom said. Maybe I’ll get a new one next time. Yowee, it sure is freezing today!”

They had a wild snowball fight when they reached Wedgewood. Jules got hit in the face again. Same spot. Her cheek stung something awful.

Penance for a lie
.

When they got to Mattice Avenue, the road the school was on, they ran. The bell would ring any minute.

Jules was glad she’d gone to school with Patsy. She felt almost normal.

There’s no way I’m gonna go home after school
, Jules told herself. She walked up to Bloor and over to the plaza instead.

Shoppers, lights, decorations – just the same old lousy Christmas stuff
.

She went into Zellers, feeling embarrassed. Mrs. Adamson kept looking over at her. She tried playing with the toys and games in spots where Mrs. Adamson couldn’t see her. But it was hard to do anything at all. Her heart wasn’t into being there.

She headed over to her doll. Seeing it felt good for a few moments. She stood there staring at it, and she felt her mind slowly leave her body. Not in the good way it usually did when she was imagining things, but in the vanishing way she’d felt last night.

“That would be a wonderful Christmas present, wouldn’t it?”

Jules almost jumped out of her skin. Mrs. Adamson was standing right beside her. Jules didn’t want to give a friendly answer back.

“Yeah,” she said quietly. Jules quickly turned away, but she knew Mrs. Adamson was still watching her. She stomped over to the empty spot at the book display and crashed down onto it.

I could break this whole stupid thing with a few kicks. Smash it all to pieces!

She was angry, so angry.

If I looked in a mirror right this second, I’d have the same kind of expression on my face as Dad’s stupid friend Hank. He always looks angry and miserable
.

Argh! Can’t scream or they’ll think I’m crazy
.

Jules grabbed the first book beside her. Hans Christian Andersen.

No, thank you!

She turned to the other side of the display and reached over for a “real” book, a thick one.

I’ll show her. I’ll sit here and read as long as I want
.

But … Mrs. Adamson won’t mind. She never does
.

Jules buried herself in the book. Two hours later, she heard the announcement telling shoppers that the store was closing.

Shoot! Gotta go to my stinking home
.

Jules left the store before Mrs. Adamson could say one more kind thing to her.

When she got home, the house was dark.

D
ecember 18. Wednesday.

Jules usually crossed off each day on the kitchen calendar, but she’d stopped doing it since Friday.

Doesn’t matter anymore, does it?

The eighteenth meant something, though. She tried to think what.

Oh, yeah. The Christmas concert. The stupid Christmas concert. How am I going to go? I can’t go alone – it finishes too late
.

Last year, she and her dad had walked together to school, and it’d been fun.

Who wants to see me in the stupid concert anyway? I’ll just pretend I’m going, pretend my dad’s coming
.

She stomped around the house.

I hate you, house, as much as you hate me! Stupid walls. Stupid brown carpet. Smelly, old kitchen. I hate you!

Jules started to cry.

She pushed herself outside, avoided Patsy’s place, and kept her head down as she kicked through the snow. Eventually, she got to the outer limit of the school property.

I’m breaking apart
.

Jules wondered if she could even get herself into the schoolyard. She tried to make her face look normal and joined some other kids who were having a snowball fight.

None of the kids in her class looked at her as if anything was wrong.

“Make sure you get here by six-thirty tonight,” Mrs. Fournier said before dismissing the class. “And remember: clean uniforms. With cleaned and pressed shirt or blouse.”

Jules felt a moment of panic. She had only one blouse, and it had stopped being clean or white a long time ago. Then she remembered she wasn’t even going to the concert – and relief turned to sadness.

She left school without speaking to anyone and trudged through the snow in the direction of the plaza. It was getting harder to be there – to be anywhere without feeling like a lonely nothing, but she couldn’t go home.

Oh, Dad. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I won’t ask for anything. I’ll leave you alone. Just come back. Please!

She walked listlessly over to the Christmas trees in the plaza parking lot. Not many left. Christmas was only seven days away.

In Zellers, Mrs. Adamson was busy with a customer, and Frances was buzzing back and forth from the storeroom. The next couple of days would be hectic.

Why don’t I give my doll a name? That’d be a good idea, even if I don’t get her for Christmas. Let’s see. Teresa, Terry, Elizabeth, Lizzie, Margaret, Maggie. Perfect! I call thee Maggie. And so it shall be for all time!

Jules smiled a real smile for the first time that day.

She wandered over to where the doll clothes were on display and pretended she had lots of money and could spend all of it on a complete wardrobe for Maggie. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mrs. Adamson watching. She had that same look of concern on her face.

Don’t you dare worry about me!

Jules finished playing with the dolls and decided to finish the book she’d started yesterday. Just as the announcement came on to tell shoppers the store was closing, she left the store.

It was hard to come back to herself, to look as if she were just another kid walking home to her family.

Please be there, Dad. Please
.

She glanced at the houses on either side of her place before looking at her own.

No, no, no. Oh, Dad
.

At eight o’clock, Jules went to her bedroom, set up the fort, and lay inside. Craziness crept inside with her. If she fell asleep feeling this way, she might have her awful nightmare again.

She crawled out, sat down by the window, and pulled her knees up to her chin.

The Christmas concert was late this year because the gymnasium had needed repairs. It was all decorated and magnificent now. Each class would come to the stage and perform, just like they’d practiced. Maybe her class was playing their recorders right at that moment. She imagined the joyful notes floating over the audience.

When the concert’s over and the lights come on, I bet Mrs. Fournier won’t even care I’m missing. Just Patsy. And tomorrow, I’ll have to face the mean kids and their nosy questions
.

She got a blanket and wrapped it around her body.

Dreams in my head. That’s all I ever had
.

A
nother sleepless night.

I can’t go to school. If someone asks me why I wasn’t at the concert, I’m going to start crying. I’m just going to do what I want today
.

She went downstairs, made some toast, and turned on the TV. “Captain Kangaroo” was on. She never got tired of watching that program. Captain Kangaroo looked like what an older father or nice grandfather might look like, might act like.

I’m going to walk to Zellers and play with the toys all afternoon. That’s way more fun than being with any of the kids at school
.

No, it isn’t. I’m going because Mrs. Adamson’s there
.

It was windy but warmer than the last few days had been. She took her time walking to the plaza. Mrs. Adamson looked surprised to see her. But lots
of people were buying toys, and Jules was glad Mrs. Adamson was busy.

Jules played with Maggie – with all the dolls – for a long, long time. By two-thirty, her empty stomach hurt. She went to the book display and picked up a Nancy Drew mystery.

This’ll take my mind off food
.

She buried herself in the book.

“Hi, Jules.”

Patsy’s voice
.

Jules looked up to see Patsy standing in front of her. She glanced at the store clock.

Four o’clock already!

“You weren’t at the concert last night or at school today. How come?”

“I was sick.”

“So why’re you here?”

“I’m feeling better.”

“Oh.” Patsy looked at Jules as if to say, “I don’t believe you.” But Patsy knew better than to ask too many questions.

“Patsy, Patsy, wait up.” Rosey walked over with a worried look on her face, pulling Marcus behind her. “Look, it’s too hard taking care of Marcus in the store. He’s wandering all over the place. Besides, we gotta get home.”

“Okay. See you at school tomorrow, Jules?” Patsy asked.

“Sure,” Jules said, not looking at her.

Patsy and Rosey took Marcus by the hand and walked down the aisle.

Jules watched.

Patsy has problems. But at least she’s not alone. I’m as alone as ever a person could be
.

Jules tried to concentrate, to keep her eyes on the words in the book, but she couldn’t. Tears dropped onto the page.

Not here. Not in front of people. What a baby I am. What a stupid –

“What’s wrong, honey?” Mrs. Adamson was suddenly there, crouched down in front of her.

Few people ever spoke to Jules in a warm soft voice. It caught her off guard and made her cry harder.

“Come to the back, where it’s quiet.” Mrs. Adamson stood up and put out her hand.

Jules couldn’t look her in the face, but she took Mrs. Adamson’s hand as she got to her feet. They walked to the back of the store, through a set of swinging doors, and paused in front of one marked
STAFF
.

“Wait here a minute.” Mrs. Adamson went inside.

Minutes later, a few employees came out. Some stared at Jules. Others continued on with their conversations.

Mrs. Adamson held the door open. “C’mon in. I’ve put the kettle on. Let’s have some hot chocolate.”

I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to talk to anyone
.

Mrs. Adamson shut the door behind them and got a chair for Jules. She pulled down two mugs from a kitchenette cupboard and filled them with instant hot chocolate. They waited in silence for the kettle to boil.