Shadow of Doubt (32 page)

D
an Nichols stood at the nursery window, looking in at the little baby with the sign that said “Branning” on its crib. His heart ached at the thought that his best friend had fathered that child. This tiny, fragile human being would be completely dependent on Mark and Allie to take care of him. Part of him longed for that kind of responsibility, that kind of a challenge. But another part knew it was never to be. Not Dan Nichols. He'd had poor parenting. He would probably make a horrible father.

That is, if he ever got to the point of marriage in the first place. This relationship with Jill had about done him in. He had decided long ago, when he became an adult and quit trying to please his parents, that he never wanted to be in a position of vulnerability again. He never wanted to allow anyone else he loved to hurt him. Therefore, he had tried not to love, and it had worked for most of his life. But over these last few days, he'd realized that Jill had made him vulnerable again. He didn't like it. Not one bit.

“Dan?”

He turned around and saw Jill standing behind him, as if his own mind had conjured her up. Celia and Stan were with her. Stan was in a wheelchair, and Celia pushed it toward him. Instead of greeting Jill, he went right to Celia, gave her a hug. “Celia, you look great. It's so good to see you out.” He slapped hands with Stan. “Man, you're looking good.”

“I could have walked,” Stan said, “but my wife insisted on the wheelchair. She thinks I've been overdoing it. I'm trying to humor her.”

“Yeah,” Celia said. “I appreciate it. Is this their baby?” She stepped up to the glass and looked in.

“Yeah, that's him.”

“We're gonna have one of our own, you know,” she said, her eyes dancing.

“That's what I heard,” he said. “You know, maybe if you go in there and talk to Allie, she'll call them to bring the baby in, and you can hold him.”

“Do you think so?”

“Sure. If they let me, they'll let anybody.”

“You held the baby?” Jill asked.

At last, he let himself look at her. “Yeah, I did.”

Electricity sparked between them, and he made himself turn away.

Stan didn't seem to notice. “I hear you played a part in our little sting last night.”

“Yeah, without even realizing it. By the way,” he said, glancing at Jill, “you owe me fifty bucks.”

She smiled tentatively. “I sure do. I'll write you a check before we leave.”

“No problem.”

Celia and Stan headed for Allie's room, but Jill hung back, looking up at him with searching eyes. But he didn't want her to see into him.

“You're mad at me,” she said. “Is it about Lee Barnett?”

He frowned and shook his head. “No. Why would I be mad about Lee Barnett?”

“Because I was so short with you last night? And the time before that, when I saw you? And when I avoided you at Aunt Aggie's funeral? I'm sorry, Dan, but I was having so much trouble with that lie about Aunt Aggie…I couldn't look you in the eye. And the stress of the last few days…”

He raised a hand to stem her excuses. “No problem. I understand.”

“Look, I was hoping that maybe we could go out to dinner later. I could catch you up on everything. I tried to call you, but you weren't home.”

He wondered if she thought he was a charity case or something.
Poor guy. Throw him a crumb here and there, and maybe he won't look so forlorn.
He tried to harden his expression. “No, I've got plans for tonight.”

She looked disappointed. “Tomorrow?”

“No, I've taken a few days off. I'm going deer hunting.”

“Deer hunting? Oh…well, then, when you get back.”

He hesitated and looked at the baby again. “We'll see.” His refusal to commit seemed to startle her, and she touched his arm. He wished that his pulse didn't speed up at such a simple gesture. It made him furious at himself.

“Dan, you
are
mad at me.”

“No, I'm not, Jill,” he said. “I'm just busy.”

“Like I've been busy,” she said. “Look, I know I've been distant and unavailable, but I've been under so much pressure. I didn't know which end was up. If I've been short with you or didn't seem to want to spend time with you, it was because my friend was hurting so badly and I wanted to help her.”

“You did a good job,” he said honestly. “You really did. I'm glad she had you in her corner.”

“But?”

He couldn't look her in the eye. “But I'm not the kind of guy who really hooks up with one woman very long, Jill. You know that about me. ”

She kept staring at him, and he wondered what was going through her mind. Was she buying it?

She looked down at her feet, swallowed. “Well…I'm not really one to beg,” she said, her voice quivering slightly. “I mean, if you're not interested, you're not interested. I just thought we had something going.”

She cut her words off, and he could see her mentally kicking herself, as if she didn't expect herself to be saying such things. “Look, we're friends,” she said quickly. “We don't have to explain these things to each other. If we don't want to date, we don't want to date. It's not going to ruin our friendship. Right?”

“Right,” he said, wishing she would beg just a little. They stood side by side, staring at the baby, because it wouldn't do to look at each other. It was as if the sight of that tiny little life kicking in that crib had something to teach them, something about life that neither of them could understand. But Dan had a sinking feeling that it was not a lesson he was ever going to learn. Those lessons were for people like Celia and Stan, Allie and Mark…people who weren't afraid to love and lose. People who had the stamina to risk rejection and come out on top.

The nurse came to get the baby, and holding its little wrist, made it wave bye-bye to them as she took him to his mother. He stole a look at Jill as the baby was taken away. Her eyes were misty, soft, and he wondered if the sight of that child did the same things to her heart that it did to his.

She began to dig into her purse, pulled out her checkbook, and wrote out a check. She tore it out and handed it to him. “There you go. I really appreciate your help last night. I thought Lee Barnett was the killer. When they arrested him for a barroom brawl, I thought our whole sting was over. We had to get him back out there so he would be free to make a move.”

“Whatever happened to him?”

“Oh, the judge figured he'd been through enough, what with all the ways David had manipulated him. He dropped all the charges against him and told him to go back to Jackson.”

Dan nodded but couldn't seem to find his voice.

She looked up at him. “Well, guess I'll go see Allie. I'll see ya.”

“Yeah,” he said. “See ya.”

Dan watched until she disappeared around the corner. His heart felt like a broken balloon on the bottom of his chest cavity, yet part of him felt some relief at breaking those ties. Was it that easy? he asked himself. No, his heart told him it wasn't. But he would get over it in time. It was his choice, after all.

 

I
n Allie's room a few minutes later, Celia and Stan sat on the vinyl couch and held the baby that squirmed in their arms, his alert eyes focused on Celia. Stan enjoyed the baby, but he was more captivated by the look of pure joy and excitement on Celia's face. “Oh, Allie, isn't he a miracle? Isn't he just the most wonderful thing?”

Allie's smile was radiant. “I'm so excited about your news, Celia.”

“Yeah, and to think I don't have to go through my pregnancy in prison.”

Mark shook his head. “Man, that was the worst. Just the worst. And I'm so glad Aunt Aggie's not dead, 'cause I really blew her funeral.”

“She called me this morning,” Allie said, “and gave me heck for upstaging her.”

They all chuckled. “You know,” Celia said, “I think Aunt Aggie's coming around. I think the Holy Spirit convicted her through all this. I don't know what will come of it, but I know God's working on her.”

“He's working on all of us,” Allie said. “Wouldn't you say that's true?”

Celia smiled and nodded her head as the little baby squirmed in her arms. She met Stan's eyes and nodded. “Oh, yeah. We're all just works in progress, aren't we? Someday we'll all be people God's proud of.”

“Someday,” Stan said.

But he couldn't help thinking that God was already proud of his wife.

W
hy do people always let you down?”

One of my children asked this question after her heart had been broken, and I wanted to leap to the defense of the human race. “They don't always let you down,” I wanted to say. “Some people are reliable and dependable. Some people are good and won't hurt you.”

But I stopped myself, because I realized that this could be one of the greatest life lessons she would ever learn. The truth is, every human on the face of the earth has the ability to let someone down. Everyone is capable of breaking a heart. It's our nature. There is no one who can live up to another's expectations a hundred percent of the time.

No one but Christ.

So I told my child that we are not to put our hopes in people, but in Christ, who would never, ever let us down.

To some people, that's good news.

To others, it's like saying we can count on the tooth fairy. To them, Christ seems so far removed from reality, that they think reaching for him would be like reaching for thin air.

But they would be wrong.

You see, Jesus knows of our heartbreaks. His heart broke when one of his twelve closest friends betrayed him for thirty pieces of silver, and when the rest scattered to avoid arrest. His heart broke when he heard Peter, one of his most trusted confidantes, swearing he didn't even know him. His heart broke when he hung on that cross between thieves and heard the soldiers mocking him and knew he had done nothing for which he should be executed. His heart broke when the thief next to him cursed him and challenged him.

But that must have reminded him why he was here. He had come to earth for the sins that caused all of those heartbreaks. In the book of Hebrews, we're told: “In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering. Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers” (Hebrews 2:10–11).

Because of Christ's suffering, he not only understands our suffering, but he has such an affinity with us that he can call us brothers. To me, that's wonderful news! That tells me that no matter who breaks my heart in this life, or who lets me down or deceives me or rejects me or betrays me…I'll still have an anchor. Jesus understands, and he will never break my heart.

Oh, if you don't know him, what joy you are missing! Let his suffering and heartbreak change your life today. Accept the love he offered you when he gave his life for you. Focus your life on him, and he will never let you down.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:8).

T
erri Blackstock is an award-winning novelist who has written for several major publishers including HarperCollins, Dell, Harlequin, and Silhouette. Published under two pseudonyms, her books have sold over 5 million copies worldwide.

With her success in secular publishing at its peak, Blackstock had what she calls “a spiritual awakening.” A Christian since the age of fourteen, she realized she had not been using her gift as God intended. It was at that point that she recommitted her life to Christ, gave up her secular career, and made the decision to write only books that would point her readers to him.

“I wanted to be able to tell the truth in my stories,” she said, “and not just be politically correct. It doesn't matter how many readers I have if I can't tell them what I know about the roots of their problems and the solutions that have literally saved my own life.”

Her books are about flawed Christians in crisis and God's provisions for their mistakes and wrong choices. She claims to be extremely qualified to write such books, since she's had years of personal experience.

A native of nowhere, since she was raised in the Air Force, Blackstock makes Mississippi her home. She and her husband are the parents of three children—a blended family which she considers one more of God's provisions.

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