Shadow on the Fells (20 page)

“I wouldn't have let you kiss me if I didn't have strong feelings for you, but love is huge.”

“Then let's just see where it goes,” he suggested. “Strong feelings will do for now. I will be kissing you again, though, you do realize that?”

Leaning across, she pecked him on the cheek. “Thank you, Will Devlin, for a wonderful evening.”

“And maybe the start of a whole new life?” he prompted.

“Maybe,” she said.

Was this love? Was this really what love felt like? Then why was she objecting so fiercely to his plans? If she really loved him, wouldn't she at least try and understand his ambitions? Wouldn't she have been honest and told him what she'd done? She would never compromise her principles, but surely if you really loved someone you would tell them everything, talk things through...no secrets.

She'd go tomorrow, she decided. She'd go to Craig Side and tell him that she loved her land, her job, the sheep and the Lake District with the same passion she felt for him. Tell him why she'd placed her objections and explain that it had nothing to do with her feelings for him. Surely, if he loved her, he'd understand.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

C
HRISSIE
TOSSED
AND
turned all night, stressed and sleepless. She should have been honest with Will about her intention to get his planning permission refused. To go behind his back and lodge a list of objections without telling him had been callous, and she regretted it now.

Should she retract the petition to prove how sorry she was? The answer came at once.
No.
That wouldn't be truthful, either. She had to come clean and explain how she felt. Only then could they move on.

She didn't want to think about what might happen if he didn't understand what she'd done and why. She didn't want to rock their budding new relationship. She wanted to feel that shiver as his lips closed over hers. Because this really
was
love, she realized. She was crazy in love with Will Devlin, for better or for worse.

Eventually Chrissie slept, but she struggled through her chores the next morning, feeding the animals and milking the cows with the heavy weight of worry in her heart. She didn't want to lose Will now; he'd told her he might be falling in love with her and she knew that she loved him back. She had to tell him the truth today, make him understand.

The phone rang just as she finished her coffee. Her heart leapt, but then she saw Tom Farrah's name on the screen and it fell immediately.

He cut right to the chase. “Hi, Chrissie, I've just heard that they've brought the planning meeting forward. It's today.”

“But they can't.” She was on her feet, already reaching for her jacket. “How can that be?”

“Seemingly, there was some confusion with dates. Anyway, the architect has pointed out that since they made their application within the appropriate time frame, it was only right to bring it forward to this month instead of next. I've been away for a couple of days and missed my messages. Our meeting is at eleven this morning.”

“And has Will been informed?”

“I did ask that, and Ellen, one of the girls in the council office, said a letter was sent out a couple of days ago and he came in as soon as they opened today to peruse all the available information.”

Chrissie tried to keep calm, but panic churned inside her; perhaps there was still time, perhaps he didn't yet know that it was she who'd objected. “What kind of information do you have available?” she asked.

“Well, there are the outline plans, of course, and the reasons why they should be approved...and then there are the objections, as you obviously know.”

Chrissie felt sick. Oh, why hadn't she told him? “And do you think he knows that the objections have come from me?”

“Considering you put your name on them, I would guess that it is quite likely,” he said. “Anyway, it is your prerogative. Don't worry about it—it had to come out sooner or later.”

“It would have been better later,” she said with a heavy sigh. “Thanks anyway, though, for letting me know as soon as you could.”

“Go and see him,” he said, “It's the only way, you know. Be honest.”

Chrissie's elderly Land Rover bumped and banged in the potholes as she sped down the narrow lane from High Bracken. Although Craig Side appeared quite close as the crow flies, it was a long and winding trip by road. She had several close calls as she threw caution to the wind and went a bit too fast.

Now that Will probably wouldn't want her anymore, he felt like the only person who mattered in her world. He
was
the only person. She'd taken his funny little ways for granted, the way he dressed all wrong and tried too hard, the way he was so much of a man when he needed to be. She'd always thought of him as a man of many faces, but just recently she'd found the real Will Devlin, the one who had let her into his heart.

Oh, why hadn't she been honest with him from the start? And how could he love her now when everything he had believed about her must seem like a lie. She was well aware that a large part of his feelings for her were born of admiration; he'd spent so much of his life with people he didn't trust, people who would stab you in the back in an instant just to get their own way.

He'd believed that she was different...that she was as honest and true as the earth beneath their feet. So how could he love her when she'd kept such an important secret from him? It wasn't what she'd done. She'd been honest and vocal about her opinions of his holiday rentals, at least, and in a way, Will respected them. Chrissie knew it was the underhanded way she'd kissed him last night, allowed him to open up to her while keeping secrets that could affect his plans, that would do him in.

She saw his Range Rover as soon as she drove into Craig Side. It looked lost and lonely, she thought, abandoned in the very center of the yard, the driver's door wide open. Her heart was banging so hard in her chest that she could hear it in her ears, and tears welled in her eyes. Was that how he felt? Abandoned?

The farmhouse door was open, so she walked right in, moving silently through the kitchen and into the hall. He was sitting in a chair at the window that looked out onto the awe-inspiring hills, staring up at the vast ocean of the sky.

“So it was all just a sham, then,” he said without turning, his voice dull and flat. “A ruse to try and get me to change my mind about the planning. Well, your scheme didn't work, did it, and neither will your objections, so all that effort has been for nothing.”

He whipped around to glare at her, and she saw the agony in his eyes. “How could you kiss me like that when it was all such a lie? I truly believed you were the one woman I could really trust in this world, the only one who was totally honest and true to herself and others. The one I could give my heart to...maybe even my life.”

Tears poured down Chrissie's face as she stood in front of him. “But I am. I am still all those things. I meant to tell you, but the time just never seemed right. I love you, Will, I know that now, and I don't care about the stupid planning council. Bring as many tourists as you like, just please believe me. I wanted to tell you. I tried to so many times, but...”

He stared right through her with a lawyer's cold gaze. “Just go,” he said. “It's too late for us.”

Ignoring him, she went on. “I wanted to tell you about the objections, but when I first started training Max, we both agreed to put that all aside so we could get along. You knew how I felt about your plans—I've never pretended otherwise, and when I sent in the letter, I felt no obligation to tell you about it. And then we got closer and I started to feel guilty. I wanted to tell you last night, but... I didn't want to spoil everything. I thought I had plenty of time, Will. How was I supposed to know they'd bring the meeting forward?”

Will stood, glaring down at her, and she felt herself wilt. “Thank God they did. I paid you way over the odds for that training... I thought that at least you might be loyal.”

“Loyal!”

Chrissie's blue eyes flashed icy cold with anger. “You give me all that drivel about trust, and yet you obviously thought that you'd bought me.”

“No...” He raised his hand in objection, but she kept going.

“Well, I'm glad I found out what you were really like before it was too late. I thought you'd changed, Will, I really did, but it seems that you're still the arrogant, unscrupulous lawyer you used to be...just like the people you tried to get away from.”

“So we've both finally found out the truth about each other, then,” he said, his mouth a grim line. “Don't bother looking for me here again if you get my plans stopped, Chrissie, because I won't be here. With no future income to rely on, I may as well take up Roy's offer and go back to Marcus Finch.”

She faltered. “But you hate that life.”

Will shrugged, his eyes as cold as ice. “You may have left me no other option.”

On the drive home, Chrissie clung to her anger to fight off her heartache. How could he have said that about the money...how dared he? She'd give it back right away, she decided...borrow it from the bank if necessary. And yet she knew he hadn't meant it like that; it was she who was in the wrong. She'd been so selfish with her idealism that she'd ignored the truth: in trying to stop Will's plans, she would be destroying his dreams for the future. Yes, tourists could be a threat to the land, but deep down her opposition had been all about what
she
wanted, and now she had to confront her guilt and face the fact that she'd lost him forever.

For rest of the day she kept herself busy, fighting off tears and the image of Will's desolate face. He had never kept any secrets from her; she had known where she stood with him right from the start. He'd said once that he loved the honesty in her way of life, and she'd shown him just how dishonest she could be. Now she'd gotten what she deserved, and she'd just have to learn to live with it.

* * *

W
ATCHING
C
HRISSIE
DRIVE
AWAY
, Will felt defeated. He'd opened his heart to her, let himself be vulnerable, and she'd used him, sneaking in her objections behind his back when her efforts to try and educate him out of his intention to go ahead with the holiday rentals failed.

He pictured her striding out across the fell, her father's crook firm in her hand. Had she really tried to trick him? Was she even capable of it? And why had he said that about the money when it wasn't even true? In that moment, he knew, he'd meant to hurt her. Perhaps he was still the man he used to be; the ruthless lawyer who would say anything to get what he wanted. Perhaps he could never escape from his past.

When his phone blared out into the silence, breaking his train of thought, he was relieved to hear it. “Hello, Roger,” he said. His heart thumped hard when he was met with a moment's heavy silence.

“Look, Will... I really am sorry...” Roger's voice sounded strained. “But I'm afraid the planning application has been turned down. Just too many objections.”

The line went silent. Will felt empty, hollow inside, as if there was nothing left to live for. All his dreams were shattered and the future stretched out before him like a black void. His thoughts went relentlessly to Chrissie. What would she be thinking, how would she feel? Happy, he supposed. She'd be safe again in the life she loved. Maybe there had never been any room in her world for him, anyway. “Why don't you come by?” Roger continued with a show of enthusiasm. “It's not over yet, you know. I've done some initial sketches for your new idea, and I'm really optimistic about the whole concept—a new take on tourism that might just change the locals' way of thinking. All we need is a new strategy to put to the planners then I'm sure they'll go for it.”

“Forget it,” said Will. “I've decided to go back to law. I'm putting Craig Side on the market.”

“But—”

“Just leave it please, Roger. I've made up my mind. Send me your bill, and thanks for all the work you've done up to now.”

* * *

W
HEN
C
HRISSIE
HEARD
from Tom Farrah that Will's application had been denied, she felt numb. She wanted to be happy, but all she could think of was how devastated Will would be...and all because of her self-righteousness. If she'd talked to him, as she should have done, discussed things and been honest from the start, then maybe she wouldn't have lost him...and she knew that she had. With her usual tunnel vision, she had seen only what was right for her, not listening to anyone else's point of view...

Her thoughts went round and round inside her head as she tried to take in the situation. She had won, but she'd lost Will, so her victory felt meaningless.

Maybe it was for the best, she told herself eventually. Maybe they were never meant to be. Will had tried to buy her off, after all; he'd admitted that. Perhaps the city was where he was really supposed to be. Even as she tried to convince herself of that, deep down she knew it wasn't true... The way he'd held her and the feel of his lips closing over hers was just too real and raw.

She had to see him. Now, before he left Little Dale for good.

Chrissie drove to Craig Side as fast as she safely could. Her heart sank when she arrived, as she noticed that Will's Range Rover was gone. Surely he couldn't have left town without speaking to her again. But why wouldn't he? She had broken his trust, betrayed him and turned out to be a whole lot less than the woman he had believed her to be. He didn't owe her anything. She'd been selfish and uncaring about someone else's dreams, and the worst part was...that someone was a man she had grown to love.

“If you're looking for Will Devlin, I'm afraid you've missed him,” called a tall gray-haired man. He was gathering some stuff from the barn.

She headed toward him, her heart pounding. “Jim Wentworth, isn't it?” she asked.

He nodded. “That's right. And you are Chrissie Marsh. I did some work for your dad a while back... You were just a little nipper.”

She gave him a strained smile. “Did he say when he'd be back?”

Tom threw a big hammer into his truck, seeming to revel in the clunking sound before looking back at her. “He isn't coming back,” he said. “He told us to stop all work on the barn right now and send out his bill. Sorry.”

“It's not your fault,” Chrissie assured him. “Did he say where he was going?”

“He just told me it hadn't worked out here, so the whole place was going on the market and he was taking on a new job. Real shame, if you ask me.”

Obviously annoyed, Tom continued throwing items into his truck while Chrissie headed back to her Land Rover, her eyes blurry with carefully withheld tears. She had won, but at what cost? The front door loomed ahead of her, firmly closed, like the future she had recently begun to envisage. She tried it one last time, just in case.