Shadowboxer (35 page)

“No. I like the yellow. You like the yellow.” I rubbed my nose over the back of his T-shirt and inhaled his spicy cologne and soap. That smell had centered me since the day we’d met. “This time, I went in and browsed without having a panic attack. You know why?”

“Because you’re so fucking strong you amaze me every minute of the day?” The emotion in his voice made my eyes go damp.

“No. Because I kept looking at your boxers and grinning. I found them as soon as I walked in, and they helped me think about you, not Darren. By the time I left, he wasn’t even in my head.”

“Move back. I’ll put them on right now. Actually, I’ll wear them every day. You’ll have to get me a who
le wardrobe of them.” He rubbed the back of my hand. “I hope there are more colors. Maybe a nice blue?”

Laugh
ter really was the best medicine. That’s what he’d given me. Laughter, and joy, and love. I needed to give those right back. Ached to.

“Nope, sorry, just black. But if you like them that muc
h, I can—” I’d been idly caressing his abs but the raised area under my fingers snagged my attention. “What is this?”

“
A little tattoo I got today. It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Little tattoo, hmm?” I twisted up his shirt as he turned toward me. There in black ink on his ripped as hell stomach, a single word.

Believe
.

“It’s a good word,” he said nonchalantly. “A strong one. It says a lot, don’t you think? It’s hopeful and positive and—”

I laid my finger over his mouth, silencing him. He’d believed
for
me for a while and it had gotten us to this place. A fucking awesome place, if I said so myself. And now I believed every bit as fervently as he did.

“I love you so much.” A tremor went through him. Through me. I leaned up to kiss his
jaw. His cheeks. His lips. I said it again over the lump in my throat. “I love you, Tray.”

He framed my face in his fingers and kissed me in the spaces between. “About fucking time,” he said hoarsely. “Do you know how much I’ve been dying to hear those words?”

“I’m sorry it took me forever to say them. It didn’t take me that long to feel them.” He was staring at me so intently that I started to squirm. “What?”

“Hang on a sec.” He released me to go over to the coat closet and pull out his
hoodie.

He’d refused to take back his leather jacket, which was a big reason why I’d bought him a new one. The other being that he’d look amazing in the one I’d got.

Because I was still picturing Tray in black leather—and only black leather—when he turned back with a little black velvet box in his hand, it took me a second to realize what I was seeing. I didn’t take a step back, but I definitely swayed. “Um…”

He grinned at my expression and held out the box. “Just open it.”

“That’s twice today you’ve reduced me to grunts.” Steeling myself, I popped the lid and blinked at the tiny gold boxing glove earrings nestled within. “Earrings?”

He pried them out of the box and managed to get them in my ears himself after a couple of fumbling tries. “I’ve been carrying them around since the night of Carly’s party, waiting for the right moment to give them to you.”

“Slater picked them out?” I asked slyly, thinking of the man who had become a friend to me too over the last couple of months. He was hanging out with us more and more, and Tray had a feeling he didn’t want to spend time at home for some reason. But he didn’t push.

Unlike me. I’d get it out of Slater one of these days, preferably when Tray wasn’t around to tell me to stop prying.

“Do you like them?” Tray asked.

“I love them. They’re perfect.”

Tray’s lips curved. “Then fuck no, he didn’t pick them out.”

“Perfect.” I traced
the tiny gloves. “Even if I don’t fight anymore.”

“Yes, you do. You’re fighting every minute.” He finge
red my earlobes, his gaze never leaving mine. “I’m fighting with you too. Always.”

“If you make me cry on your birthday, I’m
going to have to kick your ass.” I sniffled.

He flashed a smug grin.
“Promise?”

“Oh, I promise.” I nipped the inside of his wrist. We enjoyed fighting as foreplay. If we were weird, at least we kept each other off the streets. “I still owe you for last night.”

“That you do.” He tucked my hair behind my ears to admire my earrings. “They look good on you.”

I snuggled against his chest, amazed as always at how natural it felt now to do so. “They’re beautiful. You have great taste.”

“A ring would look better.”

I didn’t move. Did. Not. Move.

He twirled my hair, still seeming perfectly at ease. “But I know you’re not down with that yet.”

“And you are?”
Do not hyperventilate
.

“I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. And we h
ave all the time in the world.”

As if he hadn’t just sort of asked me to marry him—had he? I wasn’t sure—he turned to pick up a piece of his penis cake and took a healthy bite. Vanilla pudding oozed out of the corner of his mouth and he licked it up, grinning.

I barely held back a girly sigh. God, he’d made me stupid for him. And he so knew it.

He motioned to my slice of cake. “Hurry up and eat that. Studying can wait. We need to go home right away.”

I did as he asked. It wasn’t hard. Erm, the cake wasn’t hard, of course, but it wasn’t hard to eat it fast. My sister was one hell of a good cook, even when it came to pudding-filled phalluses.

The instant I was done, he dumped the paper plates in the garbage, covered the rest of the cake
, and split up his gift boxes to carry out to the car.

“So why are we in such a hurry, may I ask?”

“Hello, did you see that fucking hot teddy? And someone promised me birthday spankings, though I’m pretty sure we never clarified who got to spank who.”

He
grinned over his shoulder as he locked the office. Then he took my hand and we headed up the hall, ignoring the usual catcalls from the guys and Vanity and her crew, some of whom had migrated from the newly MMA-free Mark’s Gym—much to Kizzy’s unrelenting,
loud
disgust—to The Cage. They loved making fun of us, but we didn’t care. Right then, I especially didn’t give a shit, since I could see my sister through the glass front door.

Unsurprisingly, she wasn’t alone.

Giovanni leaned against the stone wall beside her, his arm above her head. Sunglasses on, cocky smirk in place as she held out her cake-laden fork for him to taste.

“Dammit, he’s eating your penis.”

“Yep. That did it.” Tray glanced down at his track pants. “Teddy boner, officially gone.”

My grin lasted until my sister inched closer to Costas and tilted her head in full-on flirt mode. She was laughing and tossing her hair
, and he was sucking on her fork like it had turned into a pronged lollipop.

“
If we keep telling her to stay away, we’ll push her right into his arms. You know that.”

He was right. As usual. Trying to keep them apart was a losing proposition. Unless I c
hained her up, I couldn’t ensure she didn’t see him. Maybe I had no right to ensure it.

Lo
ving someone meant letting her make her own choices. No matter how dumb. If she insisted on offering her sweets to dangerous men, I couldn’t stop her. But I could still bitch.

“I hate teenagers,” I muttered. “Full of hormones and stupidity.”

“So does that mean kids are out of the equation?” Understanding I had no desire to walk past my sister and Giovanni, Tray guided me toward the side exit. With his hand on my ass.

The guy gave good distraction, I had to admit.

Instead of freaking out at his question, I decided to take a page out of his book and flow. Lots of flow. “Put a ring on it in a few years, then maybe we’ll talk.”

He leaned forward to hold open the door then followed me out. “I’ll remember that.”

I reached for his hand as we emerged into the sunshine. “I’m counting on it.”

Dear R
eader,

I never intended to write this book. I’d carried the title “Shadowboxer” in my head ever since I heard Fiona Apple’s amazing song by the same name, but I didn’t have a story to go with it. Then one day I did. This book poured out of me in fits and starts—more starts than fits—and I loved writing it more than I’ve loved writing any other book. I cried with Mia more than once. Laughed with her too. And just like Mia, I was afraid. I didn’t know if people would like this book. If I’d gotten it “right.” Abuse is so deeply personal. I was scared of screwing up, much like Fox. Several times I nearly shoved this manuscript under my bed and moved on. But I couldn’t. My best friend, co-writer and CP, Taryn Elliott, wouldn’t let me. Neither would Mia and Fox. Because if I let myself down, I’d be letting them down too—and all the people I hoped would perhaps read this story. I, too, have often felt like I didn’t have a voice. I’ve screamed in my head because I thought no one would listen or care.

Writing Mia helped heal me in a lot of different ways. She helped give me my sense of hope back. She might be fictional, but she’s not to me. She’s me, and you, and every one of us. She’s angry and messed up and absolutely perfect.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. Read on for a sneak peek into Carly and Giovanni’s story, ON THE ROPES, coming summer 2014.

Cari Quinn

Acknowledgments

Huge thanks to Hot Damn Designs and Kim Killion for her gorgeous cover design and formatting.

Thank you to Helen Hardt for editing this project.

ON THE ROPES, book 2 in the Tapped Out series

Coming Summer 2014

Carly

I used to feel invisible. I was an ordinary girl with a sister with a not-so-ordinary background, and because of that, I’ve always lived in her shadow. I didn’t want her to worry about me, and I didn’t want to cause any trouble. But even the good girl eventually goes bad.

At least this one did.

The first time I got drunk I tasted the freedom I hadn’t realized I’d been missing. After awhile, you become so numb that it becomes easier to pretend it doesn’t hurt to deny who you are, down deep under the lies. You get used to breaking off pieces of yourself and tucking them away where they won’t cause any pain to someone else, someone you love more than life. Someone who would sacrifice anything to keep you safe. Claiming those real, true slices of yourself—even in secret—feels like a betrayal.

I didn’t want to hurt Mia, my older sister. My hero. She’s the strongest, bravest, sweetest person I know. And she’s been suffocating me for years, trying to ensure that I never have to endure what she did.

Now she’d become part of a set. Her boyfriend, Fox, was almost as bad as she was when it came to being protective of me. I love him like he’s my own brother, and I’m so happy he’s in Mia’s life, but my father is dead and buried. I threw the roses on his casket years ago and I never signed up for another one. My sister smothers me enough. She doesn’t need any help.

We’re so different, Mia and me. Night and day. I used to think she was the night and I was the day. Not anymore. She’s fought her dark with every ounce of who she is. I chase mine. I have a big fat chip on my shoulder about making my mark. Wherever and however I can.

Hey world, Carly Fucking Anderson is on this planet too, and she’s not here just to be the walk-on in someone else’s show.

I want my own. My own existence. Even my own tragedy, if it comes to that.

If Mia knew part of me wanted to be in the spotlight, no matter the cost, she’d never understand. She lived through a trauma. Survived it. But that’s the thing. As horrible as that experience was, she
lived
. She didn’t cling to the walls of her world like a paper doll, as thin and insubstantial as the wind.

People passed by me and through me and few of them ever realized I’d suffered too. I was the one who had to pick up the pieces after my sister’s kidnapping. I took care of my dad as best as I could and I went through the motions. Even at eleven, I learned how to put on the mask. I was normal. I was okay. Nothing or no one would ever harm me because I was too strong.

Not anymore. Now I wasn’t hiding from trouble. I was seeking it, eyes wide open. Hoping like hell it could find me where no one else ever had.

That hot August night at The Pyramid Club, it did.

Curious about Oblivion, the band Fox mentions in SHADOWBOXER?

Read on for an excerpt of
SEDUCED
, the introductory book in the Lost in Oblivion NA rockstar series written by Cari Quinn & Taryn Elliott,
available now.

http://cariquinn.com/seduced/