Shadowed Soul (11 page)

"Hi, Beth, it's not really a good time at the moment," I whispered hoarsely from the pit of my maladjusted heart.

"Thomas, please, let me in. Please, we need to talk," begged Beth.

She was right of course.  We needed to salvage our marriage from the abyss.  I laid my head against the cool wall and pressed the release button on the void of my hollow existence.

As I stood at the door I heard Beth’s footsteps approach deliberately accompanied by the comforting patter of our dog.  Bailey’s presence meant our son had remained with Dorothy and Pete, as Beth found it difficult to navigate with both dog and baby carriage.  I opened the door so that she did not have to wait and my heart fractured as I she entered the apartment.  Though her eyesight saved me having to tidy, Beth and Bailey smelled my decay.

We exchanged pleasantries, words that would not be out of place between two strangers, and then she made her way with sure footed grace into the living room, as I quickly swept laundry aside.  As she sat I could do nothing but wonder what could be said today, what could be said ever again that would right the wrongs.  I could not think of one thing.

"Can I get you a coffee?" I asked, pacing.  Beth shook her head and smiled at me.  Her expression showed no happiness; it was merely her own version of my own attempt at communication. It has never ceased to amaze me how often circumstance can change two loving people into complete strangers.  I had become a stranger to Beth; she knew that I periodically had fallen victim to the Shadowed Soul but she had never seen me fall so far. I could not remember being so trapped; in the past I had always found an escape hatch, some clever way to extricate myself from his clutches.  But this time I felt totally buried.

"Please, sit down, Thomas.  You're making me nervous," said Beth, with sad consternation.  I sat.  A woman betrayed, Beth and our son had essentially been abandoned by me for almost a month.  Before that I had been less than a father and husband, less than a man.  I had been a petulant idiot and I knew that she did not, could not truly understand what had happened to the man she loved. There was a pause, heavy with the promise of conversation but resistant to increase intimacy.

“How have you been?" asked Beth, and all I could do was lie.

"Busy, work has been so incredibly busy.  Being so close to Christmas I’ve not really had the time I’d like to come and see you both." I paused and licked my lips.  "How have you both been?"

"Thomas, you deserve much more than me telling you I have been busy.  You deserve the truth and the truth is I have been terrified that I’ve completely lost you." Beth paused for a moment expecting me to speak but it became apparent that sullen silence was my reply. "Thomas, you haven't been to see us in such a long time and I miss you.  We miss you. I know that this transition has been difficult for us both but especially for you and I don't want you to feel that you're alone.  I don't want you to feel isolated from those who love you because the truth is, Thomas, you're always in my heart and thoughts.  I love you so much.  I miss you with all of my being.  And I hate the fact that I haven't seen you."

"I know, Beth, I know you do and I miss you, too.  But don't you think it’s better this way?" I asked.

"Why would you think that? Thomas, of course it's not better.  It's horrible.  You have a son you’ve barely seen since he was born and he needs you.  Thomas, I need you."  Beth’s tears spilled but she did not flinch.

My absence had of course hurt her and as she sat in front of me I knew that my self-appointed exile from her life was nonsense.  The Shadowed Soul was responsible and of course because he was an integral part of my being, I, too, was responsible for this insanity. But I simply wanted to tell her that everything was going to be all right.  That was what I wanted more than anything to be able to say, to affirm in her heart, I was going to be a good husband and a good father.  But no words came out of my mouth.

"Say something," demanded Beth, broken.

"I've been busy supporting us," muttered the Shadowed Soul resentfully.

"Right, okay, I understand," whispered Beth patiently.

Silence shrouded our love.  There was so much I wanted to tell her, but like the women in those pictures, my real emotions were hidden away and the voice that I should have had was muffled by the gag of my self-neglect.

"I need to use the bathroom," said Beth quietly, sighing.

As she left the room I turned my attention to Bailey. I held my hand out and he looked at me reproachfully before he stood up and padded over to me, his cold nose poking the back of my hand.

"What are you doing, Tom?” His demeanor seemed to say. "You could have come with us.  You could have fixed everything and then we could have been together. I miss you, Tom, I miss our walks.  I miss playing with you."

"I miss you too, Bailey," I mumbled in a faraway voice. 

Bailey placed his head on my lap and I stroked the silky fur along his broad head.  And as my hand felt the sensation, the warmth and softness of this wonderful dog, I feared I was losing everything.  Bailey was the only creature in this world that had simple expectations of me. He knew when I needed him.  When I was sad and vulnerable or alone, he responded. Beth, loving as she was, still expected me to be able to act as though everything was fine in the world when it simply was not. 

I petted Bailey till Beth returned, then he moved over to her side.  I did not see this as a betrayal.  I just saw it as the truth.  Bailey’s love was not selfish, it was not reserved for one person and that was fine.  I wished all people in my circle had been blessed with the same outlook, but they were not, none of us were.

Beth pulled on her coat and slipped the leash around Bailey’s neck.  There was nothing more to say and there was nothing more she wanted to hear.  She looked at me for an uncomfortably long time before she spoke.

“Thomas, I need you to pull yourself out of this.  I know that it’s easier said than done and I understand how hard it is for you, but I need you to be strong again.  Can you do that?”

“I can try,” I mumbled.

“Please, do that, baby,” Beth spoke with the authority of a loving mother.

She leaned in and kissed the corner of my mouth and I felt a little shard of light break through the sludge in my soul.  Before she closed the door between us, she stopped and nodded a little as though responding to an unspoken question.

“Will you come by on Christmas Eve?  I want you to be there for our first Christmas with Jonathan.  Mom and dad want you there, too.”

“Okay,” I said without really considering what I was agreeing to.

“When do you go back to work after the break?” she asked.

“The 27
, I go back on the 27
,” I lied.

“Maybe you can stay until then?  That would be nice.”  She kissed me once more, this time on my lips, then pulled the door closed behind her and Bailey.  As I bolted the door, I turned to face the dark apartment and saw only a pack of bound women who awaited me.  I began to cry.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

To clinically depressed people like me, feeling condemned to a life of screaming loneliness, Christmas was perhaps the most painful time of the year. The gaping chasm in which I slumped had been the home I shared with my beloved wife and dog.  Watching television gave me no joy; the programming seemed to consist of festive specials and glittering propaganda about the most wonderful time of the year.  Even the few Christmases I had spent surrounded by Beth's love had been far from easy.  I had suffered too many bleak Christmases in my childhood to ever fully embrace this day as special.  Beth, however, adored Christmas; she was like a giddy child in the weeks leading up to the big day. She would spend hours making sure that everyone she knew was given a gift that was unique to the personality of the individual. 

My empty apartment seemed emptier without a Christmas tree.  I had refused to give up time away from the computer to decorate something dying in the corner. What was the point?  Honestly, if I had managed to tear myself away from my computer sooner, then I would have been able to dress up the apartment.  But the very idea of having Christmas decorations without Beth and Bailey was absurd. So, I sat in my apartment as my obsessions cycled a figure eight and I stared blindly at the television screen.  Desperately, I fought off the increasing urge to log back on to the computer. A conversations I had had with wise old death had helped me understand that by ogling I was betraying these women.  These bound and gagged sluts were not real, not in the way that I looked at them, anyway. I could not bear to think of them as being someone's daughter or sister because that would have magnified the depth of my depravity.  So, it was easier to think of them as mindless objects, desirable shapes at anyone’s disposal.  The fantasy itself was a conundrum to me. I honestly did not think of myself as cheating on my wife as she was real, someone that I could embrace and cherish forever. I would never, ever consider wrapping rope around Beth’s wrists. The idea of Beth being bound and silenced sickened me.  So my frequent sessions online were not connected to my wife.  But having seen her in our apartment today had made me want her back.  I knew I could never find anything to compensate for my loss. 

“As pointless as Christmas is…” murmured the Shadowed Soul.  “…it’s great hanging out with you alone, Thomas.”

This belligerent attitude had somehow fortified me for the last three or four hours.  While I stared at the blinking lights of the television screen, I had not craved the millions of vile images online.  The contents of one blinking screen felt interchangeable with another bright void.  Like something in my brain craved the light, irrespective of what image it flowed through.  But as the evening dragged into a never-ending night alone, my indifference faded to resolve which disintegrated into lonely desire. I wanted peace.  And yet the fates conspired to bind me in constant
agita
.

Beth had taken Bailey and left me to wallow in agony.  How could she do that if she cared?

“In fact, Thomas,” said the Shadowed Soul, “…it’s exactly the kind of thing that cold-hearted bitch would do.”  Maybe my love for Beth had been misplaced? Why would she take the first opportunity to rob a damaged man of his only hope?

“Get off me, you parasite,” I shouted at the Shadowed Soul.  “I should be preparing myself for a decent family Christmas.”

“She only invited you to Christmas because she felt she had to,” nagged the bitter demon trying to consume me in hatred begotten of fear.

Wounds riddled my soul. A very small part of me understood that these hateful thoughts spewed forth from my condition and had no bearing on reality.  But they were always convincing.  I loved Beth with all my heart and a remote, logical part of me knew she loved me too. But that heartless, grinning bastard loved to torture me.  I was his sport.  By God he was an Olympiad an unraveling me.  I glanced at my laptop and closed my eyes.  I would not let him win, not tonight. I walked through to the empty bedroom and opened the large closet. Some of Beth’s clothes still hung here, dresses and blouses obsolete since pregnancy. Their very presence amplified my loneliness.  But I was on a mission and would not be diverted by the Shadowed Soul. I removed clothes from the closet and laid them gently on the bed.  Way at the back of the closet, I spotted the artificial Christmas tree we had bought our first Christmas together.  I dragged it out, and rummaged around till I found the box of decorations.

Each decoration I placed on the small tree reminded me that I alone would see my creation.  The tree held special memories for me, in fact, everything of Beth's held the same strong emotional vibe and that itself made me sadder.  However, I had to decorate that tree, not for Beth, and not for me, but out of respect for the stable life I wanted to ambush and seduce into staying with me.  As I wrapped tinsel around the tree hot tears stung my eyes.  I persisted.  Through blinding tears I felt disassociated from myself as I festooned the apartment with shimmering decorations. Two hours later I finished.  Gazing in astonishment at the magic I alone had created, I recalled last Christmas Eve and bittersweet memories of Beth’s embrace.

When I was well Beth and I had a spectacular love life.  We were both passionate, giving lovers.  This had always surprised and delighted me because I had never been able to fully trust or let myself go with another woman to the extent I could naturally with Beth. Last year on Christmas Eve we had made love next to the tree, for hours our bodies intertwined and our souls had become one. When I was with Beth I felt like a whole person, someone with a definite place and function on this planet.  She had given me the gift of self-respect and I had given her my ramshackle heart and soul. Sitting here remembering the warmth and passion that had once inhabited this room gave me a sense of purpose.  I recalled with a smile that our love making had been reflected in the baubles that dangled from the tree. The naked women that I looked at every night on the internet were nothing more than cyber fantasies, millions of pixels clustered to give the impression of a living human being; that was not enough for me, that would never be enough for me. I wanted Beth’s hand in mine.  In a moment of rare clarity I understood that only I could affect a change.  Like Beth had begged of me, I needed to pull myself together and I knew that it would be difficult, but I could not allow Beth, my beautiful soul mate, to drift away from me.  My life was worthless without her and all I could do was fight against the demon that gnawed the marrow of my being.  Once I had been victorious I could take Beth and my son in my arms and be Thomas again; I would banish this deformity I had become. 
Twenty-one days
, my pathetic boss had blathered on,
twenty-one days to make or break a habit
.  Maybe he was not completely stupid.

I could not afford to allow myself the luxury of consistent misery any longer.  I could not simply embrace my condition with the frail acceptance I usually had.  I had been younger in those days and there had been no one else to consider, so the Shadowed Soul was able to hurt me all he wanted and I could just cave in.  That was my life lesson and that lesson had remained because I had allowed it to remain.  Now though, I had a wife and a son and a best friend called Bailey and they all needed me to be strong and brave and true.  So, if not for myself, then for the souls that I truly loved I had to be a better person and I would be.  The pile of mail was my first target in this Sisyphean effort.  Christmas cards I placed around the apartment assured me that this was
our
home.  Even though Beth was living temporarily at her parents’ she and I were still together.  Addressed to us both, the cards were my proof.