Shadowed Soul (19 page)

“We don't need help,” I snapped instantly regretting the stupidity of these words, of course we needed help.  I was drifting away from anything resembling a decent human life and I was in danger of losing everything.

“Yes, we do, and you know we do, Thomas.”  Her voice had lost its edge and now contained nothing but warmth and compassion. “Your old boss only e-mailed me because he felt you would ignore anything from him and he’s so sorry that he had to fire you.  He told me that the decision had come from above his head and he had no choice but to follow the instructions.”

“Company fucking policy,” I muttered.

Perhaps I had been wrong about Steve Mitchell.  He was simply doing a job and he needed people that he could rely on.  I had been far from reliable.  I had misjudged him.  It seemed my depression had blinded me to many obvious truths.

“Okay, maybe we can call this number after the New Year?”

“No, Thomas, we call her now.” Beth’s resolve was complete.

“But, it’s the holiday,” I protested.

“I don't know if I can live like this anymore.  I do love you.  I will always love you.  You are my sun and my moon but I’m hurt by your actions so often and I don't know if I’m strong enough to deal with the rollercoaster much longer.”

As Beth wept I kept her wrapped in my arms, hoping to give her more than shallow comfort.  An hour later she was gone from my life again.  She needed space to process. Had I lost her forever?  Fate had decided that no matter what I tried I was destined to painful oblivion.

My only comfort was Bailey.  Bailey had stood his ground and remained at my side. Beth and I both had attempted to leash him, but he had swerved stubbornly to avoid the hook of the chain.  Ultimately, our dog had sat down squarely, far from the door, and stared at me until we all understood Bailey’s decision was final.

Beth accepted Bailey's decision, and gave him a pat to let him know she still loved him.  Maneuvering the baby carriage and Bailey together was difficult for Beth, so as long as she maneuvered within familiar turf, her eyesight was strong enough to get her home to her parents. 

Bailey’s choice to stand by me at this time gave me the strength to accept that Beth and the baby were going.  Beth promised to make a decent excuse to her parents so I could save face.

“Frozen pipes,” said Beth with a note of irony.  “It’s fair to say we have frozen pipes, don’t you agree, Thomas?”  I nodded and we smiled compassionately at one another.  “You promise you will call and make an appointment?  I need to hear you promise, Thomas.”

“I promise I will call,” I mumbled.  Beth scrutinized me for further confirmation. “I will.”

“When?” persisted Beth.

“During working hours,” I assured her.

Vague plans had been sketched that I would turn up at the house on New Year's Eve, having already placed the call to a psychologist.  Even as I sat here with my wife’s seeing-eye dog I felt I was still too proud or too stubborn to actually call some shrink, despite my promise to Beth.  I resented deeply that the promise of Christmas had been shredded by the Shadowed Soul.  Confetti in the wind, my joy dissipated once more as my life spiraled out of control.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Weeks passed.  I did not call a shrink.  Why ask for help?  Bailey was all I needed.  Bailey and I got out every day to walk through the park.  Though he was off his leash he never left my side.  He sensed I was unwell and needed him.  Winter’s sharp intensity softened and tree branches pinked as the earth thawed.  Despite the chill, the vibrant hue of life reminded me time had passed and another spring lay ahead.  It had been a hard winter physically and mentally; a fugue of haunted darkness had engulfed me since the day that Beth had left the apartment.  Inhaling deeply as Bailey and I strolled through the park, tendrils of clean hope seemed to clutch my heart.  People passing by appeared cheerful, as though relieved that the shortest day of the year was well behind us and days were getting longer.  The world revolved as it always did and always would.  Human beings were as much creatures of instinct as of rational thought as well as habit.  Though winter came and went each year, deep down in our primitive beings the fear remained that the cold and dark would never leave.  Maybe that was just me over-thinking the change of seasons?  Maybe there were those who were always destined to be adrift in a bleak wintery landscape of the mind, those who never asked for help, and, like me, those who broke a promise to call a shrink.

I never made it to Dorothy and Pete’s either.  I was too embarrassed to show.  What would I say?  The
pipes
are fixed now.  They were not.  I had let Beth’s parents down along with Beth and Jonathan.  Beth claimed that they were okay with me and just wanted to make sure that I was genuinely alright.  I still could not face them.  I was sure that Beth had not told them the real reason I had been sacked but shame clung like tar and feathers.  Having lost both my parents, the prospect of losing another two was too painful to risk.  I could not face their disappointment, imagined or not.  So, Beth and I had met in the park at least once a week, more if I felt strong enough to leave my self-imposed prison to face her.  Only with Bailey beside me could I carry on subsisting.  I brushed my teeth, made coffee, showered, and moved a few things from one part of the empty apartment to another.  Small goals with no focused trajectory toward improvement; it was pointless. I knew if I did not function Bailey would be neither fed nor watered, he would not get exercise and would be largely helpless.  It ate at my brain that I found the strength for the dog but not my own family, but the rationale was always there:  Bailey needs me, they do not need me.  Were I nothing more than the ghost of a memory on this planet, Beth, Peter, Dorothy and the baby would continue, they would prosper.  I was a guy they knew, probably even loved but I was not essential to their survival.  To Bailey’s survival, though, I was.  And I required him to live because without his uncomplicated love I felt I would have nothing in my life to inspire me to take one more step.

Beth and the baby were sitting in the park on the same bench where Beth and I had eaten an ice-cream an eternity ago.  From a safe distance, I watched as Beth threw pieces of bread to the ducks on the pond.  As always my initial reaction was to turn tale and run, to remove myself and let her truly get on with her life.  There were so many things I wanted to tell her.  I wanted her to really understand that my love and affection for her had not vanished in the slightest, in fact it was as strong as it had ever been but there were other things that I did not have the strength to impart to her.  Since Christmas, I had been plagued by my dream of suicide.  The suicide nightmare had visited me once before I went to Dorothy and Pete’s and often since we had parted.  Every night it varied slightly.  But its outcome was always the same and always caused me to awaken dripping sweat, heart pounding.  Each nightmare woke me with a longing to get back to the world where I was walking toward my wife and baby, or my old place of work, or my mother’s house or the many other locations that my dream had incorporated.  The dream’s intent horrified me:  My ultimate demise.

As always, one glance at Bailey and the furious wagging of his tail upon sensing Beth’s presence made me continue toward the old bench.

“Hi, Beth,” I said as we reached the bench and she turned to me, a tentative smile brightening up her pretty features.

“Hi, Thomas.  How are you?” she asked with bubbly excitement.

“Ah, you know,” was all I could muster.  It was clear I stagnated.  I preferred not to get her hopes up by pretending that my life had moved on in any meaningful direction.  That would mean I would have to commit to focusing my energy in that particular direction, and I just did not have it in me.

“Hey, Bailey,” said Beth reaching out to pet him.  Bailey pushed his head into her so she had access to his ears, his tail wagging happily as she ruffled the fur and soft skin between his ears and his skull.  “Thomas, have you given any more thought to what we’ve been talking about, honey?” 

“Yeah,” I said as I gazed at the pond, marveling at the way the sun was dancing on the water.  “Look at that, Beth.  Two weeks ago the pond was frozen and now, it’s changing.”

“Thawing its pipes?” probed Beth cautiously, with a gentle smile.

“I guess the world revolves and most things change,” I answered, deliberately deviating from her hopeful probe.

“And, have you come to any conclusions?” persisted Beth patiently.

Despite our many conversations about going to the counselor my ex-boss had recommended, I was still resistant.  I felt as though no matter how professional this person claimed to be they would find fault in me.  They would judge my thoughts and actions.  I was also afraid that the counselor would inform me that I was largely incurable, that this state of misery would stalk me throughout the rest of my life, that I would die clinically depressed.

“I don’t know, Beth…”

“You do know, Thomas,” her voice cracked with emotion.  “When you say that it makes me feel I’ve lost you forever and I don’t think I could bear that.”

“You haven’t lost me forever,” I said.  “I’m still here.”

“I have lost you if you don’t want to do anything to help yourself, baby,” replied Beth quietly.  “We know that you can’t do this by yourself and no matter how hard I want to make you better I can’t either.  All we can do is find someone to help you.”  Beth paused and sighed. “I want to be with you again, honey, but when you’re like this it seems pointless because you won’t let me near you.  You won’t let
us
near you,
Jonathan
, your son!”  She was right; I had been sitting with her already for some time and had not yet reached out to my son.

“Hey, Jonathan,” I whispered, and awkwardly reached over to shake his tiny hand.  He babbled, delighted to see me.

  “Thomas, you do everything in your power to push us away and the truth is, I’m not strong enough to keep doing this,” said Beth firmly.

“I know,” I replied sullenly.  I understood this was difficult for Beth to deal with my chronic condition.  In fact at times of clarity, I had a total understanding that this was probably harder for her than it was for me.  She was the one who had to navigate around my external misery while raising our son without her own seeing-eye dog. 

Beth’s enduring dedication to me had remained consistent since the very beginning of our courtship.  I admired her patience now, holding Jonathan, coaxing me, and I recalled her first encounter with the Shadowed Soul.

“Thomas, are you there?”  Beth’s sultry voice had a note of concern.

I had been lying in my bed, beaten and bruised by the Shadowed Soul and terrified by his reappearance.  My demon had been so conspicuously absent since I had started seeing Beth a few months before that I had dared to believe maybe he had left me for good.  However, as always, he found a way to insinuate himself into my life again.  I had not told Beth about him, not even in a clinical way.  I was in love with Beth and the idea that I might lose her paralyzed me.  It seemed the deeper my love for Beth grew, the more leverage the Shadowed Soul held over me.

“You’re going to lose her,” admonished the Shadowed Soul. “You’re not loveable, Thomas, but we already know that.”

“Thomas, are you there?”  Hearing Beth’s sweet voice on my answering machine was torture. I had wanted to answer the telephone and ask her to come make everything better but I assumed she would break off all contact with me if she knew.

“I know you’re there, Thomas, I can see the light in your kitchen, you miser, you wouldn’t have left it on if you were out.  Open up, I’m outside and I want to see you.”  Beth’s persistence filled me with conflicting emotions.

I really wanted to see her but I did not want her to witness the kind of man she had chosen to love.  Deep within my heart I held nothing but love and affection for this funny and intelligent woman.  However, I was unsure of the strength of her feelings toward me.  I wanted her attraction for me to flourish before she found out how damaged I was.

“Thomas, please answer your phone. I really want to talk to you. I need to talk to you.  I need to find out if I've done something wrong.”

It was Beth’s need that had galvanized me into action.  I opened the door and allowed her inside my hell.  I could not let her think that she had done something wrong because that was not fair to her.  As Beth and Bailey walked into my ramshackle apartment I had felt dread.  It was so good to see Beth and Bailey but the trepidation within me was amplified by her presence. I feared at that moment Beth would sense my affliction and bolt and I would be adrift once more.

“Why haven't I heard from you, Thomas?” asked Beth, concerned.  “Was it something I said?  Is it because I’m considered ‘disabled’”?

I had been surprised her lovely eyes were red and puffy; she had been crying.  Over me!  At that moment Beth’s affection for me penetrated my addled mind.  I owed her an explanation. 

“Beth, I don’t know how to tell you this,” I mumbled.  “I have a condition.  I can’t be around people all the time.”  I explained how this mood often grabbed hold of me and shook me until I was almost broken. To tell another soul had been cathartic but rocked my confidence.  Three hours passed and Beth still listened intently, often encouraging me to continue when I faltered.  Too humiliated I avoided describing the more unsavory manifestations.  Talking to Beth drained the poison from an infected wound.  I felt clear.  Honesty and sharing had temporarily beaten down the Shadowed Soul.  Truthful communication released me from the ring of dense misery that had surrounded me for weeks. My fear that Beth would bolt ceased to be an issue.  Her care was the catalyst that allowed me to finally talk about my lonely childhood. I had told her how my father had vanished from my life.  I had let her know about the disregard my mother expressed toward me.  Dark grief  was alleviated that I thought would never be released into the light.  And Beth just sat there nodding and smiling, encouraging me to tell her everything.