Shadows on the Moon (40 page)

Well, if he is mine now,
I told myself tiredly,
I suppose I will just have to take care of him.

I looked away. Behind the throne, the Moon Princess was the only person present not staring at me. Her face was downturned, her gaze on the floor. At the front of the crowd, Akira, tears on her face, was glowing with pride. She nodded at me vigorously, her hands a blur.

And then, as the screens drew into place and hid me from view, there was a stealthy movement on the stairs at the side of the stage. For a moment, even though I had just seen her in the audience, I thought it must be Akira; it was a woman in a formal black kimono, a woman that I instinctively realized I knew.

Then the woman turned her head to look at me, and I saw a face that had haunted my dreams. The face of a dead woman.

Mother.

Breath turned to stone inside me. The blood stood still in my veins.

She was dead.

I had killed her.

But she was there. Standing before me. Walking across the stage with her own graceful walk. She had a red lily
kanzashi
in her hair that matched the red flowers on her dress. She was a little plumper, a little pinker than when I had last seen her, her cheeks rounded now instead of sharp. She looked well. Better than she had before — before — I killed her.

I had
killed
her.

“Suzume.”

The sound of her voice — the voice I knew best in the world, the first voice I had ever heard — made me realize that what I saw was not a dream or a hallucination. She was real.

Youta had been wrong.

“I thought you were dead,” she whispered, and I swayed as it seemed that she plucked the words from my mouth.

“I thought the same of you,” I said through numb lips. “How did you survive?”

Her brow wrinkled with confusion. “Shujin-sama would not harm me. He would never —”

I cut her off, uninterested in the blatant self-deception. “You were poisoned.”

She gave me a dazed look, as if I were speaking in riddles. “Do you mean — you mean the sangre? It was only a careless mistake in the kitchen. I was ill, it is true, but I was not pregnant, so I was not in danger. How do you know about that? You had already run away when that happened.”

“Run away?” I demanded, incredulous. “I fled for my life, with Terayama on my heels like a hunting dog.”

“No,” she said, wringing her hands as she moved closer to me. “You were frightened. You misunderstood. If you had come home again, we could have explained: he did not want to hurt you. He only wanted to stop you. To make you listen and understand.”

I stared at her in disbelief. “Understand what? That he is a murderer?”

“He is not a murderer!” Now temper flushed her cheeks. “He never meant for your father to die!”

“No, he only meant to ruin his name, destroy his life, and steal his wife. And he succeeded, with your help. If you think you could have persuaded me to keep silent about that then you are far more stupid than I ever believed you to be.”

She started back — I had never spoken to her so — but that only drove me on. “He had already tried to kill me once, and you didn’t even notice. He intended to kill me that night. He would have, if he had caught me. And you did nothing to stop him. Nothing.”

She unclenched her hands, making a beseeching gesture that I flinched away from. “I wanted to go after you. I had just given birth! I was too weak and exhausted to move.”

“What if he had threatened one of your babies, Mother? Would you have been able to move then?”

She hesitated, her face stricken.

I nodded, bitterly satisfied. “You could have defied him. But you were frightened. You knew that if you defended me then you would be at risk. You watched him go after me without a word, and somewhere deep inside, I think you were relieved. Relieved to see me go and take all your old memories and jealousies with me forever.”

“No.
No.
You are my daughter and I love you. I thought of you, mourned for you each day you were gone. When I recognized you here tonight, saw you dancing, I was overjoyed, but I had to be sure —”

“So you crept up onto the stage, alone, without telling your husband, without telling anyone? That is hardly the action of a woman with a clear conscience. It is hardly the action of a woman who does not fear her husband’s wrath. But what you tell him does not matter anymore,” I said triumphantly. “He cannot reach me now. In a few moments I will be safe from him forever.”

She gasped, her eyes widening. “Safe? What? . . . Is that why were you dancing, Suzume?” And now realization filled her eyes, and the very beginnings of fear. “Why did you come to the Kage no Iwai? Why did you dance like that? What are you going to do?”

“I am going to be the Shadow Bride,” I said proudly. “Most favored, most desired, most beautiful. And when I have spent the night in the prince’s bed, I shall use that power to finally claim justice for the House of Hoshima.”

“What do you mean?” she breathed. Again she reached out as if to touch me. Again I avoided her hands. “You cannot . . . You would not . . .”

I felt dizzy, unreal, as if everything had been turned upside down, back to front. For so long I had begged for her approval, for her affection. Now she pleaded for mercy from me. It was both disorienting and exhilarating, and filled me with a sense of power such as I had never known before.

“What would I not do, Mother? Would I not avenge my murdered father and cousin, and my home? Would I not destroy Terayama-san as he has destroyed everything I have ever loved?”

“What about me? What about your brothers? You have three brothers, Suzume. Shujin-sama and I have just come back from the country, where I had my confinement for the youngest. They are your family now, too. They are just babies, as innocent as you were once. If you destroy Shujin-sama you will destroy them, too, and leave them — us — with nothing.”

“Why should I care for them?” I asked, brushing aside the brief memory of the helpless, gurgling baby I had held in my arms for so short a time. “Why should I care for you? Your love has brought me nothing but sorrow. If you wish to avoid your husband’s ruin, take whatever money you can find, take your precious sons, and run. It does not matter to me, and by this time tomorrow he will have more important things to do than go after you. But no matter what you decide, you will not stop me from fulfilling my destiny. This is the only warning I will give you.”

There was a discreet throat clearing from the stairs, and I saw the servant from earlier standing there uneasily, holding the pile of clothes I had given him.

“The prince wishes to see you at your first convenience,” he said, bowing his head respectfully when he saw he had my attention.

“Of course,” I said. I brushed past my mother without another look, then took my
uchikake
robe from the servant and pulled it on over the moon dress. I could not do anything with my hair now, and with just the robe on, I was barely decent. . . . But then, I was to be the Shadow Bride. I was not bound by the rules laid down for respectable virgins any longer. I did not have to be decent. It was a thrilling realization.

“Suzume,” my mother whispered behind me, clearly constrained by the presence of the servant. “Please.”

Now I did look back at her. “Suzume is dead. I am Yue. And you are nothing to me.”

I walked down the stairs, past the servant, and out into the main room.

I was greeted by a spontaneous burst of applause from the guests. Everyone was looking at me, bowing and staring — their eyes filled with admiration, lust, anger, speculation. For a second I wanted to back away, but why should I hide? This was my moment of triumph, of victory: the culmination of everything I had worked for.

Akira stepped forward, her face alight with enthusiasm. That light waned as she took in my expression, though I do not know what she saw there. She shielded me from the crowd with her shoulder as she said, “Congratulations. You were magnificent, sister. I was so proud, I could not even be jealous.” And then, lower, more quickly: “What is wrong? What has happened?”

“Nothing,” I said, meeting her too perceptive eyes with all the bravado I could muster. “Nothing. Take me to him.”

She gave me a searching look, then glanced back over her shoulder. “Very well. We cannot keep him waiting.”

She took my icy cold fingers in her warm ones and led me into the crowd.

The prince caught sight of us and stood up, taking a step away from his throne. He raised his hands to silence his guests. His presence was surprisingly strong and commanding. Only the barely suppressed smile on his face hinted at the excitement of a young man about to choose between three beautiful women. The room fell quiet, the air singing with a deep expectancy, with anticipation.

“My subjects, I thank you all for your attendance tonight. I have been honored by the presence of so many very beautiful young women, and I would have been honored to choose any of them. Most especially I must thank Ito Natsuko-san and Sasaki Hinata-san and their families for providing us all with entertainment of such a superior nature. My choice has been difficult — but that is as it should be, for the decision is an important one. It is now made.”

We reached his side, and as Akira dropped my left hand, the prince caught hold of the right. His fingers squeezed mine too tightly and were slightly moist. I turned my head to look at Akira, seeking reassurance.

She was no longer by my side. She was nowhere in sight.

She had gone so quickly that I knew she had to have used a shadow-weaving to disappear. But why? Had something happened that I had not seen? Surely it had been too fast for that. The weaving must have been prepared before in order for her to wink out of existence so instantly.

Why would she desert me? Had her misgivings finally been too much for her? I forced the sudden swirl of anxiety away. I could not be distracted now. I turned my head to look at the prince again, my eyes riveted on his lips as they opened to speak the words I — and everyone in the room — had been waiting for all night.

“I have chosen,” the prince said. “Kano Yue-san will be my Shadow Bride.”

There was a hushed moment, and then the applause began again, loud enough to make my ears ring.

I was whisked out of the hall. Three black-armored soldiers — my guards from now on — followed as one of the servants led me up two flights of stairs and down a long corridor to the prince’s chambers. His rooms made up the entire top story of the central hall of the palace.

The soldiers took up their places along the corridor as the servant opened the door for me, bowing deeply.

“The prince will come to his rooms as soon as all of his guests have departed. Hot water is waiting for you in the bathing room, if you wish to wash, and there is a selection of clothing also — although of course you will choose new clothes for yourself, when you have time. Is there anything else you would like, Ohime-sama? Something to eat or drink?”

Ohime-sama. Princess.
“No. I do not want anything, thank you.”

“If you should change your mind, simply inform one of the guards, and we will instantly do our best to comply with your request. Welcome to the Moon Palace, Ohime-sama.”

He bowed again and stepped out, closing the door behind him.

I turned in a circle, looking at the enormous room with its exotic red and gold furnishings, its high, sloping ceilings, its wall of screened round windows, and its towering Old Empire–style bedstead with draperies embroidered in yellow chrysanthemums and red dragons. This was the place where, ten years ago, Akira had sat by the fire and wept.

There, at last, my legs gave out and I fell to the floor, gasping for breath.

My mother was alive.
Alive.

I was not a murderer.

Had Youta made a mistake? He was a man, after all, and might be confused about the potency of a woman’s drug like sangre root. But Youta had worked among drudges for a long time. He had known what sangre was when I spoke of it. Surely then he must have known enough to realize that what I had done was not fatal? Moon curse it, if I had not trusted Youta so much, had not been so filled with horror at my own actions, I would have questioned it myself.

No. There had been no mistake. He had lied to me.

In the darkness and fear of that night, as I confessed to him, he had seized the chance to get me out of Terayama-san’s house. Out and away, before I did something else — something worse. He might have thought that cutting all ties to my old life, to Mother and Terayamasan, even to himself, would finally allow me to leave the past behind.

He had tried to give me a gift. He had tried to set me free.

Only it had not worked. Believing I was responsible for Mother’s death had only confirmed something that, deep inside, I had already felt for a long time.

There was a roaring inside me, a screaming, a wailing, as all the hidden voices, all the denied emotions that I had closed off broke free. I crumpled, curling into a ball on the floor, pressing my face to the mats, sucking in deep breaths as I tried to stay conscious. Finally I was forced to see the truth.