Shadows Over Paradise (4 page)

“Yes—usually an older person, just for private publication.”

“Do you enjoy that?” Vincent asked.

“Very much. In fact it’s what I like doing best, my favorite kind of project. I love immersing myself in other people’s memories.”

Vincent looked as though he was about to say something, but then Carolyn began asking him about golf, Amy was telling Rick about yoga, and Honor was chatting to Al about his work as an orthodontist. She was drawn to him, I could tell. Good old Nina for putting them together. Suddenly Honor looked at me, grinned, then tapped her teeth. “Al says I have a
perfect
bite.”

I raised my glass. “Congratulations!”

“Not just good,” Honor said. “Perfect!”

“Don’t let it go to your head,” Al said.

She laughed. “Where else is my bite supposed to go?”

Soon it was time for the speeches and toasts; the cake was cut, then after coffee there was a break before the evening party was to start.

Amy and Sean had to leave, to get back to their baby. Vincent also said his goodbyes. As the caterers moved the tables back, Rick and I went out into the garden.

We sat on a bench, watching the sky turn crimson, then mauve, then an inky blue in which the first stars were starting to shine.

“Well, it’s been a great day,” Rick pronounced. The awkwardness had returned, squatting between us like an uninvited guest.

“It’s been a lovely day,” I agreed. “
We
should …”

“What?” he murmured after a moment.

My nerve failed. “We should go inside. It’s getting cold.”

Rick stood up. “And the band’s started.” He held out his hand.

So we returned to the marquee, where Jon and Nina were dancing their first waltz. Soon everyone took to the floor. But as Rick’s arms went round me and he pulled me close, I felt that he was hugging me goodbye.

“So … what are we going to do?” Rick asked me gently the following day.

We’d had lunch—not that I’d been able to eat—and now faced each other across our kitchen table. I shook my head helplessly. I didn’t trust myself to speak.

“We’ve got three options,” Rick went on. “One, I change my mind; two, you change your mind; or three …”

I felt my stomach clench. “I don’t want to break up.”

“Nor do I.” He exhaled, hard, as though breathing on glass, then he looked at me, his blue eyes searching my face. “I do love you, Jen.”

“Then you should be happy to let me have what I want.”

He flinched. “You know it’s not that simple.”

A silence fell between us, and we could hear the rumble of traffic from the City Road.

“I keep thinking about this quote I once read,” Rick said after a moment. “I can’t remember who it’s by, but it’s about how love doesn’t consist in gazing at the other person, but in looking together in the same direction.” He shrugged. “But we’re not doing that.”

I cradled my coffee mug, with its pattern of red hearts, in my hands. “We’ve been together for a year and a half,” I said quietly. “We’ve lived together for nine months, and we’ve been happy. Haven’t we?” I glanced at the framed photo collage that I’d made of our first year together. There were snaps of us on top of Mount Snowdon, walking on the South Downs, sitting on the swing seat in his parents’ garden, cooking together, kissing. Then my eyes strayed to Nina’s wedding invitation on the kitchen dresser. I bitterly regretted having teasingly asked Rick when we might take our relationship forward.

“We have been happy,” Rick said at last. “That’s what makes it so hard.”

Another silence enveloped us. I could hear the hum of the fridge. “There is a fourth option,” I said, “which is to go on as we were. So let’s just … forget marriage.”

Rick stared at me as though I were speaking in tongues. “This isn’t
about
marriage, Jen.”

I glanced at my manuscript, the typed pages stacked up on the table.
Bringing Up Baby: From Newborn to 12 Months—the Definitive Infant-Care Guide
. A page had fallen to the floor.

“So what are we going to do?” Rick asked me again.

“I don’t know.” A wave of resentment coursed through me. “I only know that I was always
honest
with you.” As I picked up the sheet, random sentences leapt out at me.
Great adventure of
parenthood … bliss of holding your baby for the first time … what to expect, month by month
.

“You were honest,” Rick agreed. “You told me right from the start that you didn’t want to have children and that this was something I had to know if we were to get involved.”

“Yes,” I said hotly, “and
you
said you didn’t mind, because you work with children every day. You said that your brother has four kids, so there was no pressure on you to have them. You told me that you’d never been bothered about it and that people can have a good life without children—which is true.”

“I
did
feel like that, Jenni. But I’ve changed.”

“Well, I wish you hadn’t, because now we’ve got a problem.”

Rick pushed back his chair; he went and stood by the French windows. Through the panes the plants in our small walled garden looked dusty and withered. I’d been too distracted and upset to water them. “People do change,” he said quietly. “They’re allowed to change. And it’s crept up on me over the past few months. I’ve wanted to talk to you about it but was afraid to, precisely for this reason. But now you’ve brought the issue into the open.”

“Why have you changed?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know—probably because I’m nearly forty now.”

“You were nearly forty when we met.”

“Or maybe it’s seeing the kids at school develop and grow, and wishing that I could watch my own kids do that.”

“That didn’t seem to worry you before.”

“True. But now it does.”

I glanced at the manuscript. “I think it’s because I’ve been working on this baby-care book.” I felt my throat constrict. “I wish I’d never agreed to do it.”

“The book has nothing to do with it, Jen. I wanted to be with you so much that I convinced myself I didn’t want children. Then I began to believe that because we were in love we’d naturally
want
to have them. So I thought you’d change your mind.”

“Which is what you’re hoping for now?”

Rick sighed. “I guess I am. Because then we’d still have each other, but with the chance of family life too. I’ll be applying for head teacher posts before long. I’d like to try for jobs outside London, if you were happy to move.”

“I’d be happy to be wherever you were,” I said truthfully.

“Jen …” Rick’s face was full of sudden yearning. “We could have a
great
life. We’d be able to afford a bigger place.” He looked around him. “This flat’s so small.”

“I don’t care. I’d live in a bedsit with you if I had to. But yes, it would be wonderful to have more space—with a bigger garden.”

He nodded. “I’ve been thinking about that garden a lot. I see a lawn, with children running around on it, laughing. But then they fade, like ghosts, because I know you don’t want any.” Rick sat down again, then reached for my hands. “I want nothing more than to share my life with you, Jen, but we have to want the same things. And the question of whether or not we have children isn’t one that we can compromise on, and if we can’t agree about it—”

I withdrew my hands. “Let’s imagine that I do change my mind. What if we then find that I can’t
have
kids?”

“At least I’d know that we’d tried. Or maybe, I don’t know … we could try IVF.”

“A bank-breaking emotional roller coaster with no guarantees. The other day Honor interviewed a woman who’s spent forty thousand pounds on it and still isn’t pregnant.”

“Well, we might be luckier. If not, we could adopt.”

“Could we?” I echoed. “Would we really want that? In any case, this is all academic, because I won’t
be
changing my mind, and if you really do love me, you’ll accept that. Can’t we just go on as we were?” I added desperately.

Rick blinked. “I don’t see how we can.”

My throat ached with a suppressed sob. “Why not? Because now you’ve decided that you
would
like kids, you want to go right out there, as soon as possible, and find some woman to have them with? Is that it? Should I start knitting a matinee jacket for the baby right now?”

Rick flinched. “Don’t be silly, Jen. It’s because we’d only be putting off the inevitable. I’d come to resent you, then you’d be upset with me, and we’d break up anyway.” He shook his head. “What I don’t understand is why you won’t at least explore
why
it is that you feel—”

“No,” I interrupted. “I won’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not prepared to bare my soul to some stranger! In any case there’s nothing
to
explore. Yes, lots of women want children, but there are lots who don’t, and I’m one of them. So seeing a counselor won’t make any difference. I mean, you’re the one who’s changed, Rick, not me, yet you’re making the condescending assumption that I don’t know my own mind!”

“No, Jen, I’m just trying to work out why you feel as you do. Because you
like
children. You go out of your way to be with them.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is—you come into school every week and read to them.”

“I … do it for you.”

“Jen …” Rick looked bewildered. “That’s how we
met
.” Another silence fell. I could hear a magpie chattering in a nearby garden. “Well, it’s hardly a big deal, especially as my flat was practically next door. And liking children doesn’t mean I want to have them myself. I don’t.”

“Yet you’ve said that if I’d been divorced, with children, you’d happily have had those kids in your life.”

“Yes.”

“But you won’t have a child of your own.”

“No.”

“I wish I knew why
not
. If you told me that it was because you felt that having children would wreck your career, or your lifestyle, or your body, I could at least understand that. I could try to accept it. But to say that you won’t have children because you’d be too scared …”

I put my hand on the table, tracing the grain with my fingertips. “I would be,” I insisted quietly.

“Why?”

I looked up. “I’ve told you. I’d be scared that something would go wrong. Or that I’d make a terrible mistake—that I’d drop the baby, or forget to feed it or give it enough to drink.”

“Babies don’t let you forget, Jen; that’s why they cry. And you’ve just written a
book
about babies. Hasn’t that made you feel you could cope?”

“It’s given me knowledge of how to care for them,” I conceded. “But it hasn’t taken away my fear that something bad would happen.” Panic swept through me. “Like … crib death, God forbid, or that I’d turn my back for a few seconds—that’s all it would take—and the child would fall down the stairs, or run into the road, or that there’d be some terrible accident that I could never, ever, get over.” Tears stung my eyes. “Parenthood’s a white-knuckle ride, and I don’t want to get on.”

Rick gave a mystified shrug. “Most people probably feel the same way, but they control their fears. You let them govern your life. You’re normally so levelheaded, but with this I think you’re being—”

“Don’t tell me—irrational?”

“Yes.”

“It’s
not
irrational to avoid anxiety and stress.”

“It
is
irrational to presume that things will go terribly wrong—especially as you’ve no reason to think you wouldn’t be a good, careful parent. What’s your real fear, Jenni? That you wouldn’t love the child?”

“On the contrary; I know that I would—which is precisely why I don’t want to have one.”

He groaned. “But you know, Jen, this isn’t just about whether or not we have a family.”

“What do you mean?”

Rick gave a frustrated sigh. “We get on so well, Jen.” I nodded. “We respect each other. We love being together, we talk easily—and we’re attracted to each other.”

“We are,” I agreed with a pang.

“But you’re just not … open with me. Every time I ask you about your childhood you avoid my questions, or change the
subject. And you never mention your mother, or explain why it is that you’re virtually estranged.”

“I
have
explained.”

“You haven’t—at least not in any way that I can understand. And as time’s gone on, it’s bothered me more and more. This feeling I have, that although I love being with you, and desire you, I don’t really
know
you.” He sighed. “You said that your mother neglected you.”

“No. She looked after me. But she was distant and cold.”

“That
is
neglect.” Rick chewed his lip. “So … was she always like that?”

“No.” I saw my mother playing with me, reading to me. Holding my hand. “But as I grew older, it got worse; and it wasn’t as though I had a father to make up for it.”

“Maybe that’s why she was so remote—though you’d think what happened might have brought her closer to you.”

“Well … it didn’t.”

“Is this the real reason why you don’t want kids?” Rick asked. “Out of a fear that you’d be like that with your own child? Because you wouldn’t be, Jen.”

“How do you know?” I said bleakly. “I might be
worse
.”

“Jenni, I wish that you’d at least talk to someone who might be able to help you overcome your fears.”

I laughed. “With a wave of their magic, psychotherapeutic wand? No. In any case, there’s nothing
to
resolve. I don’t want to have children. I like talking to them, and reading to them, and playing with them, and yes, I can see that having a child must in many ways be wonderful. But against that I set the never-ending, heart-wrenching anxiety of parenthood. I intend to protect myself from that.”

Rick stood up, then walked over to the patio doors and unbolted them. He went out and sat on the wooden bench at the end of our small garden. After a moment he took a pack of cigarettes out of his breast pocket, lit one, released a nebula of smoke, then sat with his hands on his knees, head bowed.

I pushed back my chair, gathered up the manuscript, then went down the hall into my study. I dropped the pages beside the computer and sat staring at the darkened screen.