Shattered (8 page)

I
just couldn’t call the police on my brother. A part of me felt like I brought it on myself. Dancing half-naked and grinding on some nigga in front of his very eyes. As hard as it was to digest, I turned Ryan on the same way I did the other dudes at that party. Another part of me felt like it had been a crazy dream, only the bruising and swelling reminded me that it wasn’t. Ryan always protected me, even when we was kids. When he snatched me out of that party, he probably just thought he was saving me from harm. Even as shocked as he was to see me like that, I wonder if he thought that’s what he was doing, although it still ain’t explain what happened next.

I laid there replaying what I remembered in my head. How could Ryan do that to me? There was no way I could tell somebody what he did. I felt sick every time I thought about it. I threw up a lot over the next few days. I skipped classes Monday and Wednesday. I skipped work. I ignored Mommy’s texts and Meeka’s calls. I was truly sick. The memory of the night was still clear as day in my head. The only way not to think about it was to sleep. I popped more Ambien pills. Once I put a handful in my mouth, but threw it up as soon as the pasty pills touched my tongue. I was too much of a coward to swallow.

So many thoughts clouded my head, but the question “Why?” kept repeating. I couldn’t figure out why I cared so much about
why
he did it more than I did about
what
had actually happened. I mean, how can my own brother do what he did? Why did he think he could do it? How could this happen to me? My couch was my new best friend cuz I couldn’t sleep in that bed no more. I ain’t wanna talk to nobody who knew me. Nobody who could tell something really sick had happened. I just wanted to hide. I wanted to die. How easy would it be to just dissolve all the pills in a drink and sip it slowly through a straw? I stayed in the house watching reality TV and the news, watching other people’s misery. I only left the house once to go to the corner store.

At the end of the week, I had a visitor pop up, banging hard on my door. I should’ve known it was gonna happen sooner than later. “KiKi, I see your car outside. Open the damn door!” I peeked through the peephole. There was Peaches wearing her big Diana Ross wig with Amir. She looked flawless with her lip gloss, peach halter dress, and golden accessories. I ran my hand over my matted hair. I might’ve brushed my teeth twice the whole week, and that was only cuz I couldn’t take the cotton mouth no more. Peaches banged on the door again.

“Come on, chicken!” she sang. I hated when she called me that with a passion, and she knew it. Wasn’t no chickenheads around here but her ass. I unlocked the door only cuz she had Amir and I ain’t want him to see his mama acting a fool.

“Damn, girl, what happened to your face? You look a hot-ass mess. And what you doing in here? Trash all over the damn place. Is that a hole in your closet? Who did that?!”

“Come here, ’Mir,” I said, reaching out for her son. I winced a little when I picked him up.

“Unh, unh. What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t feel like talking about it.”

“Unh,” she said, sucking her teeth and rolling her eyes. Peaches knew the look of a face that had been beaten and the sounds of pain that came with it. I knew she was dying to know but appreciated her more for not even asking. I guess after all she had been through in that department, she remembered what it felt like to have people’s harsh comments and relentless questioning when all you wanted to do was hide.

“Well, okay. I’m not gon’ get too much in your business. But…I am gonna do your hair! I’ll be damned. You ain’t gon’ be representing my salon looking like shit.”

I smiled as she went to get her supplies out of the truck. I set Amir up with his toys in the living room. Peaches left Kori and Daneen running the shop for a while just so she could come check on me. She was a real friend who I knew I could count on, but the thought of telling her what my own brother did to me made a nasty taste come to my mouth. I just couldn’t do it.

Peaches laced me up with a new do, working her magic, and then she set out on a mission to clean up my apartment. She piled up trash, put all the seasonings and condiments that I’d pulled from the cabinets back on their shelves, swept and mopped the kitchen, Cloroxed countertops, and Febrezed curtains. I merely vacuumed the living room and wiped off the coffee table. Peaches had so much energy, I couldn’t keep up with her. As soon as she was finished, she made some margaritas.

“Now, KiKi, you know I ain’t gon’ rush you, but whenever you wanna tell me what happened, you know I’m here for you. And I’ll never judge you,” she said over the blender in the kitchen.

I knew Peaches had my back, but this was too much. Nobody could ever understand what Ryan did to me. Shit, I couldn’t. I got a headache every time I thought about my tangled, bloody sheets and the sticky semen he left on my body.

“Try it?”

I took a sip of the margarita but wasn’t really feeling it.

“Too much ice?”

“Nah. Just don’t have a taste for it.”

“Oh, okay,” she said, rubbing her nose. “You look so down, KiKi.”

I gave her a half smile. I knew she was trying to help, but there was nothing I felt like sharing with her.

“I just wanna say one thing. Don’t lock yourself up in the house forever. Hey, what if we go visit Camille or Trina Boo? You know, do a road trip. We can go north or south. What you wanna do? It might cheer you up.”

While that did sound like a good idea, I really wasn’t in the mood. “Not now.”

She sipped her drink and kicked her shoes off. I turned the TV to Nick Jr. and gave Amir a napkin with some Cheez-Its cuz clearly they wasn’t leaving no time soon. He ate quietly, watching
Yo Gabba Gabba!

“God, that boy look like his father.”

“Tell me about it,” she said before taking a long sip. “I dream about that nigga all the time. I be thinking how our life might be if he was still here. Would he be the same type of dude? What kind of daddy would he be to Amir, you know?”

I watched her sip her drink some more, and then all of a sudden she untwisted her golden pendant necklace and put the tip of the undone part to her nose. I watched her sniff what had to be coke. I was shocked but was definitely in no position to judge. No wonder she was always at the shop from the crack of dawn to late at night. She was high out of her mind.

“I don’t think I can ever be with somebody else,” she said before rubbing her nose. “Want some?”

I shook my head, then took a sip of my drink, which is what I needed after watching her do that. How was she able to maintain everything snorting coke? I tried my best not to shake my head. Hell, I was dabbling in my own self-meds. Peaches swallowed the rest of her drink and popped up to put the glass in the sink.

“All right, Amir. Let’s go! Tell Auntie KiKi bye-bye.” She was so buzzed and busy like a robot, packing her hair products, gathering his toys, packing his snack, and grabbing his hand.

“You don’t have to leave yet,” I said, worried about her driving around high and tipsy with her toddler son.

“Girl, I gotta get over to the shop. Who knows what the hell them bitches doing while I’m gone.”

“Well, let me keep Amir for a little while. I don’t mind. He can keep me company.”

She looked at me like I had a third eye growing out my face. “You sure?”

I nodded. “I mean, you came over here to do my hair and to check up on me. I got you.”

She took a deep breath like she was near tears, and then she gave me a tight hug. “I love you, Shakira. I don’t know what happened or what’s wrong or whatever, but you know you my girl. Fuck, you my sister. Call me if you need me.”

“I know. I love you, too. I’ll bring Amir to the shop a little later.”

“Okay,” she said, walking to the sofa where her little man had already sat back down. “You gon’ stay here with Auntie KiKi, Mir-Mir. Give me a kiss.”

At the door Peaches said, “But for real. Call somebody, go somewhere, and do something. Even if it’s with somebody you haven’t talked to in a while. That might make you feel better.”

I heard what she’d said, but I was in no mood for conversation.

The day after talking to Peaches, I decided to call Yodi so she could tell Mommy that I had a stomach virus and was too sick to come visit. That’s the thing about Yodi: She was always home.

“Mommy said do you want her to come stay with you?” Yodi said.

“No, that’s okay. I just wanna sleep. I’m not in the mood for visitors.”

Mommy seemed to buy it cuz she ain’t stress me. I sent Meeka a text with the same lie, though she immediately sent back:
YOU SURE THAT’S WHY?
I ain’t respond since it wasn’t no easy way to answer that question. She sent:
I UNDERSTAND IF YOU NEED SOME TIME TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT. I’M HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT, THOUGH.
I ain’t respond. Kareem’s phone calls was being avoided like the plague, too. It was time to just let that relationship fall completely off. Too much had happened since he’d been away in jail, and I definitely ain’t feel like the same girl he thought he loved. I packed up all his stuff and dropped them off at his mother’s house. She ain’t look surprised to see me, either, and didn’t even bother asking me any questions. She just pointed to a corner in her living room where she wanted me to drop it.

One night my phone rang, and Mommy’s number popped up on the screen. I thought it was gonna be Yodi for Mommy, but when I said, “Hello,” nobody said nothing. I said, “Yodi?” but I heard nothing but the TV in the background before the phone hung up. I tried to call right back, but nobody answered. Yodi called an hour later asking me if I wanted something cuz she saw I had called.

“No, I was calling y’all back,” I said.

“We wasn’t here,” Yodi said. “Mommy went with me to take the kids to the doctor.”

“Oh,” I said, stunned. That had to mean one thing. Ryan.

A few hours of watching TV and lying on the couch had really left me bored after Peaches’s surprise visit changed the energy of my apartment. I decided to study for school. Maybe if I focus on my vocabulary and make some flash cards, my mind would stop wandering off. For the entire weekend, I created and memorized all my vocabulary words. I restudied the last chapter and read the chapters Meeka said I missed. It really helped me not to think about none of that shit concerning Ryan.

The next week I decided to go to school. I was sick and tired of being in the house, plus the classes was paid for. As soon as Meeka saw me, she gave me a hug.

“Please, don’t talk about it,” I said. “Nothing about that night. I don’t even wanna think about it.”

Meeka nodded, then changed the subject. “Girl, do you know Quentin’s father talking about he wanna take me to court?”

I raised my eyebrows. “For real?”

“Yeah, all of a sudden this nigga talking about he want full custody.”

“Oh no, Meeka,” I said as we walked toward the parking garage.

“Girl, yes. Had the nerve to say he had a better situation than me and the judge would see that clearly.”

I shook my head.

“Of course, your ass got a better situation. You ain’t have a child on your hip for the last four years slowing you down. Just cuz he gotta job and his own apartment, he think he money now.”

“What you gon’ do?”

“That nigga better stop playing with me. He ain’t getting Quentin,” Meeka said, lighting up a cigarette.

I felt a little sorry for her. She was doing the best she could to take care of him. Her mother helped her a lot, but Meeka did make sure her son had everything he needed. The thing is Quentin’s father was always on time with his child support and he spent lots of time with his son. They were both good parents. I ain’t know how that case might go.

“I think I’m gonna have to stop all this dancing and shit and get a legit job before he try to throw that in my face next.”

I understood what she meant. After I dropped Meeka off on Upshur Street, I headed over to the barbershop on North Capitol. I wanted to get a fresh edge up. My barber Rich was happy to see me when I walked in, but he had a client in his seat. I took out my textbook and waited in a chair. I half listened to their conversation about the Redskins preseason training while I studied. Kevin Hart was cracking jokes on the flatscreen, making the shop come alive with laughter. People came in and out, some filling the seats beside me, but I ain’t bother to look up.

“Hey, Ms. Royal Blue.”

I looked up and saw Audri’s pale face, her eyes still hidden behind cute shades. My feelings was hurt that she tried to play like she’d forgotten my name. I nodded. “How you doing? Audri, right?”

She smiled. “I’m good.”

This time she was with two girls. The same one with the boy haircut from last time sat in her barber’s seat, and another one with a short, layered cut waited two chairs down. They chatted a little, and then Audri turned to me and said, “You been straight?”

I nodded.

“Good.”

“You play any pool lately?” I asked.

“All the time,” she said, smiling. “Let me know when you trying to get your ass whipped again.”

I winked at her. “Never that.”

“Right,” Audri said.

My barber was done with his client and signaled for me to come over. I could feel Audri watching as I walked to his chair. She smiled at me as soon as I sat down.

“You want the same thing as last time?” Rich asked.

“Nah, just give me a basic cut.”

“You serious? Now, you know you ain’t a basic kind of girl, right?”

I smiled. His compliment seemed genuine. “That’s all I want this time.”

“All right.”

He moved faster than he did the last time. I could feel Audri’s eyes still on me, but I made sure I ain’t look back at her. Didn’t wanna give her a reason to talk to me. I just wasn’t in the mood. When Rich was done, I paid him, said bye to Audri, and left the shop. Before I could get in my car, I heard Audri say, “Hey, KiKi!”

So she did remember my name. I looked up.

“Um, can I talk to you for a minute?”

I held my car door open with one hand and my keys in the other, waiting for her to come closer.