Shattered (23 page)

"I never called you that."

"Doesn't matter, it was insinuated." I stepped closer to the head stones. A few sprinkles fell just as I was beginning to speak. "I lost my dad in one of the most cruel and viscous ways. A fucking dipshit drove drunk, without a care in the world.
He
took my dad away from me long before it should have been time. And what did that fucker get?  A jail sentence, but he's still alive. His family can still see him…touch him… speak to him. I don't have that. I have nothing."

"You have more than nothing, Dallis."

"I have nothing, Grayson!" I yelled out of sheer frustration. "At the time, I had my mom. I had her to lean on and to help me cope. I had her warm embrace and her sweet words. I had her laughter, I had something." Tears were beginning to spill down my face just as the rain began to pick up. "But then, fast forward three years and she tells me she has a fucking brain tumor and only has three months to live. I didn't want to believe it, but I saw it. I saw her pain. I saw her struggle. I saw her will to live fade away." The tears were now streaming down my cheeks as I worked feverishly to wipe them away, only making myself more of a mess as the raindrops collided with my face. "It was so hard to watch her deteriorate before my very eyes. It was even worse to stand helplessly and watch a fucking seizure take her away from me a month into her three month sentence." Grayson stepped closer to me and wrapped me into his arms. I fought against him and pulled away, throwing my soaking wet hair behind me as I began to break down in deep sobs. "One fucking month, Grayson. That's all I got. It was one thing to lose my dad -- it nearly destroyed me -- but at least I had my mom to lean on. Who the fuck did I have when she was stripped from me? Colby was more focused on moving on, fulfilling his hopes and dreams. I had no one. I was abandoned, and since no one understands, it's best to keep things under wraps and go on living!"

The rain began barreling down on us, thunder filling the silence that was consuming our space. I looked up to the sky with both eyes closed, allowing the rain to beat away the anger and depression that had settled in me a long time ago.

Grayson stepped closer to me yet again and pulled me into his arms, resting his chin on my rain soaked hair, as he ran his hands over it. "But you're not alone, Dallis. I'm trying to show you that. I'm right here. I've been where you are. I want to help you get through this, but you've got to be willing to let me in."

I looked up to find his facial muscles had softened and he was smiling down one me. "I just don't know how."

"Let me help you. I didn't wake up one day and become an expert. Tony was the one who ultimately pulled me out of my downward spiral because I wouldn't listen to anyone else. Tommy, Patrick, and Emily kept me on the straight and narrow once I finally got the help I needed. I owe all four of them more than I can ever repay." I watched as admiration filled his eyes. Speaking about his best friends always seemed to bring a sense of pride to him. "You are nowhere near as bad as I was, but I know the pain that comes with getting there and then rotting there. I've loved you for a while now, Dallis, and I'm not willing to sit by and watch someone I love go down that path."

I pulled away from him. "You love me?" He gently nodded his head. Tingles streaked down my spine as I took in his words. Those same words pricked my tongue, but I kept them, for fear of giving too much of myself too soon. I closed my eyes and mentally stuffed my pounding heart back into place, then put the focus back on my parents. "I don't even know what to say, Grayson. What do I say to them? There's a part of me that is so angry with them for leaving me alone, but another part that is so filled with sadness and grief. I don't even know where to begin."

He swallowed. "Just say what's in your heart--good, bad, or indifferent." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "You need this, Dallis. Your parents need this… I need this."

The breeze that blew over me was the much needed factor necessary to push me into the long delayed conversation that I needed to have with my parents. Fear pumped through my veins as I stepped toward the one thing that I hadn't found a way to use my boisterous personality on. Swallowing hard a few times helped me regain my composure, and I took short, quick breaths as I walked towards their stones, but stopped after finding Grayson still standing in place. I turned and walked back to him. Grabbing his hand, I whispered, "I need you to be a part of this."

A faint smile traced his lips. "I'll be right here. Take a minute for yourself." he responded, running the back of his hand over my cheeks. 

I turned and walked back over to my parents' stones and briefly wondered how I was going to start this conversation. Before I knew it, the words just flowed from my mouth. Nervous chatter came first, followed by a plethora of questions that led to my emotional breakdown. Question after question emptied me, taking a piece of the blockade that I had assembled with them. I found myself sobbing as my irrational thoughts were put into words.

Why did they have to go? Why was my mom okay with leaving me alone? Why were my parents chosen? How was I to cope? When would I ever feel whole again?

My skin pricked with anger as each question came spilling out of me, leaving me feeling like I could rip through my imaginary layer of frustration and pity with just my bare hands alone.

There were no definitive answers to my questions, and while I wasn't actually expecting any, the anxiety that had holed up inside of me left in small doses, freeing me to open up a tiny bit of space to fill my parents in on the good that was happening in my life. After unleashing my onslaught of questions out in the open, I finally allowed myself to cry in a way that freed me. Holding on to the anger of losing what I thought was everything in my life had held me captive in a way that I was unaware of. I was holding an internal grudge and reducing myself to living with imaginary lines and brick walls, in hopes that I could shield myself from ever feeling that degree of hurt again. I didn't want to live with self-restraint any longer. I wanted to be Dallis again, and learning to feel again--good, bad, or indifferent--was the only way I was going to get back to being me.

 I stood as my eyes stung and my nose ran, allowing the rain to continuously shower me. For a minute, I had a hard time catching my breath, but after working furiously to regain my poise, I stood, able to return my breathing back to normal. My eyes were heavy, but my heart… my heart was finally light.

Grayson was right. He said that crying wouldn't make me weak, it would make me stronger. After sobbing away the buckets of tears that I had welled up inside of me for far too long, I finally came to grips with the loss that I had endured, and recognized it for what it was. My parents, regardless if they were with me or not, would always be a part of my life. Having them with me would be a constant reminder of who I was and where I came from--two things that were necessary for moving forward.

Footsteps broke my internal thoughts. After furiously wiping away the tears that had mixed with rain and soiled my face, I found Grayson standing halfway between his original spot and where I was firmly planted. He wore a look of somber pride as he stood before me.

"I'm sorry," I said, wiping my nose. My eyes burned and my throat itched, but I paid no attention to either.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because. You probably weren't expecting this. I look like a blubbering mess," I said, wiping the rainy tears away again.

Grayson stepped forward and took me in his arms. "I don't care how you look, Dallis. I care about the way you feel and I think you are finally feeling for them again. That is what's important here."

I looked up to meet his impassive gaze. I found the warmth, love, and compassion that I had been in desperate need of since my mom's passing. Grayson filled a space that had been left painfully empty when my mom died. I could finally feel myself allowing the wounds to close and it felt good. It felt good to be able to feel again.

Grayson pulled away ever so slightly before lightly stating, "You know, if you don't mind, I'd like to meet your parents." He smiled his charismatic smile, knowing that it could and would melt me.

"Are you sure? I don't know if they're ready."

"No time like the present, babe."

I smiled and stepped to the side. We walked over with his arm slung over my shoulder and mine wrapped around his waist. When we reached the stones, I stopped and stared down at them and then back up to Grayson.

I took a deep breath. "Mom. Dad. This is Grayson. Never mind all of the tattoos, he's a really great guy." Grayson smiled. Sitting us down to get comfortable for our long awaited conversation, I laid my head over on his shoulder as we both spoke to my parents as if they were sitting right in front of us.

Standing outside the truck almost two hours later, I looked over to Grayson and breathed a sigh of relief. Breaking free from my comfort zone was not an easy thing to do. I wasn't even fully aware of the multitude of emotions that were swirling around inside of me for so long, eating away at what was left of me. After Grayson's intervention, I felt lighter…like a boulder had been removed from my shoulders and most importantly, I felt like my parents were once again an important part of my life.

"You ready? We have a long trek back to Seattle," Grayson asked, holding my hand and looking at me affectionately.

An idea sparked in my head and I pulled the keys from his hand and ran around to the driver's side before he was even aware of what I was doing.  His eyes narrowed as he took his seat on the passenger side. "I have a better idea than making that long trek tonight. You aren't working in the morning are you?"

"No. I'm closing tomorrow night."

"Good. Sit back and relax. I'm taking care of you right now."

I pulled away from our parking space, glancing into the rearview mirror every now and then, and softly whispered, "
I love you,"
to my parents before driving out of the cemetery and onto Bellingham Bay Rd. I drove to the park where my mom had her last night out. I thought I'd never go back to the site where she'd spent her last coherent moments, but now I wanted to show Grayson the last few minutes of happiness that my mom had experienced. We stood in the grassy field and held each other as I recalled the night. Grayson twirled me around in a dance, mimicking the dance that my mom had gathered enough strength to participate in.

I drove by the hospital where my mom was taken after her seizure. Looking at it still brought pain to my heart, as I remembered the words that the doctor uttered to me, but Grayson rubbed my back, soothing the ache that was manifesting itself inside of me.

After showing him my old high school, and my favorite park in our little town, I finally pulled up in the driveway of my parents' house.

"My childhood home," I said, half smiling from the sudden burst of nerves that had exploded inside of me.

Grayson unbuckled his seat belt and slid closer to me. He ran his fingers through my hair and tucked it behind my ears.

 "You ready for this?" he asked softly.

I nodded my head and exited the truck. Grayson met me in the front and took my hand, leading me up the walkway to the front door. I leaned down and took the spare key from the fake rock sitting on the steps. After looking up to Grayson and swallowing the lump in my throat, I unlocked the door and led us in.

My biggest fear was that I would take one step in and the overwhelming sadness that occupied the home would nearly choke the life out of me, sending me into a retreat that would never let me return. Surprisingly, when I entered, a wave of calm rushed over me, and I felt like I was home again. I pulled Grayson into the living room and showed him around, pointing out the numerous trophies that I had earned through my years of sports, and some of the photographs that I had taken that my parents used to decorate their home.

"You were their little pride and joy, weren't you?" Grayson asked, admiring the wall of school pictures from kindergarten clear through college.

"Of course," I responded. "Only child. You know a thing or two about that, don't you?"

He smiled back at me as he walked closer to the wall. A laugh escaped him as he pointed at my third grade picture.

"Crazy, fire red hair, freckles, glasses, and missing teeth. I feel like I'm being jipped of all of this beauty now."

I hit his arm. "Ugly duckling stage. Everyone goes through it. I can't wait to see yours."

"You don't want to see mine. I was a puny, braces wearing, dork."

"Sounds like my perfect match."

Grayson pulled me in for a warming hug and a long kiss.

"We need to get out of these wet clothes," he said, tugging at my t-shirt. "I told you, I'm all for my very own wet t-shirt contest, but you look a little uncomfortable." A mischievous grin caressed his face.

"One of these days you'll get that one woman contest you keep aching for, but right now, I agree with you. I'm very uncomfortable. Go upstairs to the second door on the left and start a hot shower. I'll be up in a minute." I smacked Grayson on the ass as he turned and walked away. He looked back at me, puckering his lips and narrowing his beautiful blue eyes in a look of pure seduction. He was melting me without even opening his mouth.