Shattered Skies - Night Waves

Everyone has those moments that you carry with you forever. The moments in your life where you are your happiest, maybe even your saddest, the ones that stick with you. The moments aren’t always on your mind but a certain smell, a certain song, even a certain place, can pick you up from reality and drop you like a ton of bricks in a place you may not want to be. I have one of those moments; I don’t know if I consider it good or bad, or confusing at best.

It was the first time that Dairen and I figured out that we could sneak movies out of Doctor Walker’s office and hide away in a little corner somewhere and watch them. More than that, it was the first time that either of us had the chance to see what the world was before the takeover. Watching our favorite, for the first time in my life I knew what magic was. I was amazed by how life was so simple; there was nothing to be afraid of. I wanted that so bad. As the plot continued my need changed from the want to be normal to the want to experience a feeling that I hadn’t even
known existed. In the movie a young couple was walking hand in hand on the beach. It was night time; the moon was hanging over the water illuminating the waves and making them glow of silver. I had never seen anything so beautiful. The couple walked along the shore and every now and then a wave would splash against their legs and gently caress their skin. They were so carefree and happy; I wanted nothing more than to be that beautiful woman. The want to step out of my life and into hers got even more intense when he gently laid her down on the beach and they made love in the silvery warm water.

Their act was so raw, so passionate that I felt myself blushing. Feelings and urges stirred in places that up until that point I didn’t know were there. I knew that I needed to have that closeness with Darien. I needed to look into his eyes and see there was nowhere else in the world where he would rather be than with me. More than that, I needed to feel his lips on mine. I needed to feel the passion that the woman on the screen was feeling; I needed him to fix the ache that my body had fallen victim to. I couldn’t help but glance over at him to see how the movie was affecting him just for a second. Sitting there staring at the screen, he never blinked; his cheeks were re
dder than mine. Was it possible that he wanted me to be the girl too? I think that is when I realized that someday Dairen was meant to be so much more than just by best friend. I stared at him for as long as I could before I got afraid that he would feel my eyes on him, and when I turned my attention back to the screen, the young couple was kissing deeply; their passion vibrated out of the screen to the point where I began to feel a little uneasy for sitting there watching something that should be so private. Kissing turned into the moans and gentle touches that every girl dreams of one day feeling. Lost so deeply in the touch and kiss of one another the two rolled in the sands, waves washed over their bared skin and softly fondled them, and their needs turned from romance to lust. They made love in rhythm to the waves, gently moving in and out, working their bodies in harmony with the natural motion of the sea, building more and more passion with every wave that crashed against the shore. More than anything, I remember thinking, someday I want that too.

I wanted that with Darien. I wanted us to be part of something as big as the ocean, something as immortal and never ending as the waves. I wanted to be able to give myself so completely to the guy sitting beside me, that I could trust that just his touch would save me from being swept away forever into the black powerful nothingness of the sea. I promised
myself that moment that no matter where I was or what I had to do; before I died I would have that magic moment with Darien, the boy I love more than life itself. A magic moment that will cause me to look back and smile, the magic moment I will think about while I wait to take my last breath and leave this tragic world.

As I got a little older, I slowly realized that none of this was ever going to happen; the promise that I made to myself that night was the first and the last promise that I was ever going to break. I would never see the waves glowing with the silver tones from the moon. I would never lay naked and feel the waves touching my body in warm places that only a lover gets to touch. And all of it was the fault of the creatures that ruled the world I lived in.

As a little girl, I had dreams that one day something would happen and all the monsters would just up and disappear. When that happened, I knew that all humans would be free. But as each day passed I grew more and more certain that I would never see humans free in my lifetime. I had destroyed the simplicity of dreaming that the monsters would disappear the day I let someone into my heart. And no, the someone wasn’t even a person; instead he was the very reason that my ancestors and friends lived in cages. I had somehow managed to get myself involved with the King of the Dominus himself, Akia, and he called to me more than anyone else ever had and his was a very dangerous call to answer. My innocence died a little more every time I thought about something as simple as those moments of passion that his kind had taken from all of us.

That I would feel guilty giving up the moon wasn’t that bad. I mean how did I have any right to complain? I was Catalina. I lived among the monsters of the day. I was not caged, I was not food, nor was I forced to breed with the Vampires and be raped by a different beast each night until I carried inside me another of the perfect beings that would one day destroy us all.

Living in the world with the Dominus was nothing compared to the reason I hide at night when the Vampires walk. Over the years I had learned everything there was to know about the Dominus. I knew every move they made and I knew that I could copy every mannerism that they had. In fact, I was so good that I could completely trick perfection; enough so that I could readily make them think that I was one of their own. I had proven this again and again. Akia had no idea what I really was and he was the cream of the Dominus crop. Fooling them was easy. It was something that I picked up quickly.

But don’t get me wrong, the Dominus are not stupid creatures, they are just cocky. When anyone, human or monster, gets cocky it leads them to believe that they are untouchable. The humans before me thought they were the best of the best. No one could hurt them. But they had lost their earthly superiority and I hated them for it. They had
squandered the feeling of security that I would never have.

The Vampires, however, are a completely different story. They can pick up on even the slightest of differences. To them I would smell differently, if they looked at me long enough they would be able to tell that I was a fraud. So far I had been lucky enough to avoid the Vampires entirely, other than Walker of course. Unlike the Dominus that I could outsmart and stay one step ahead of, the Vampires were harder to fool and they could rip you limb from limb and never let a drop of blood hit the floor. There was no doubt in my mind that the Dominus were ruthless, hell, I had seen the destructi
on that they had brought with them. They were however, blind. If you never gave them a reason to doubt you were one of them, they would simply never doubt you. The Vampires had set up a perfectly safe nest for their new generation to thrive in. They had done their dirty work long before and the Dominus had not yet matured enough to successfully rule their world.

I guess it is true that wisdom comes with age because now I truly believe that nothing is worth losing my life over. I had come too close too many times to death, too close to thinking that my last moment was at hand. Unlike the days when I thought dying for a cause was important, I now knew better than to risk my last breath for causes. I could give up the moon and the stars if it meant one more day to live a life that so many humans never could. Living without the moonlight was a small price to pay to
live among the handfuls of free humans. I had spent my life planning to take back the planet and that was a noble thing. Getting to pick off the monsters one by one was addicting and the thrill of the hunt was a rush like no other. The moon couldn’t compare to freedom, could it? It couldn't compare with the thrill I feel when I watch one of the Dominus dying. The power of knowing that I had taken their life and the beauty of watching them realize with each dying breath that I, a stupid human, had tricked them, the moon had nothing on those feelings, right? As much as I wanted to believe that, as much as I wanted to be grateful and unselfish, I could not make my heart nor my body stop craving the kiss of the moon and the touch of the night waves.

Chapter One

There were days when I forgot what Walker was, when I forgot that the man that I used to trust was a monster. There were days when I chose to remember him as the stubbornly driven hardheaded but softhearted man who had been the only father that I would ever know. It was easier to forget that he was one of the Vampires that he had raised us to hate and destroy, than it was to have to think about him chained to a wall, hissing like a wounded animal. That image is something that still wakes me up in cold sweats.

Then there were days when it was my turn to feed him. It took only one of those days to make me wonder what had ever made me think it was a good idea to agree to let him drink from me in the first place. Some days sharing my blood with him got so bad I wished I never knew him before he started living off humans again. I wished that I could just re-meet him as he is now. I would give anything to wipe the memories of our family life completely out of my mind to save myself from the horror of letting him feed from me. On those days I truly believe that the only way for me to stop feeling like a murderer is to forget my family existed.

Sharing blood with a Vampire is a very sexual experience. It was weird for me; this being the man that up until a few months ago was my father in every sense of the word. Now his lips were brushing my wrist, teasing the vein, trying to make it less painful for me, and even though I knew he was doing this to make the situation for me less awkward, it was doing just the opposite. The more his tongue touched my bare skin, the more I ached for it in other places. It took every ounce of strength to keep the lines of should be father and want to be lover from blurring together and I hated myself for that. It was so bad at times, that when his teeth finally pierced my skin, I had to bite my tongue and clamp my lips shut tightly so that I wouldn’t moan out in pleasure.

The rational part of me knew he wasn't
arousing me on purpose. Vampires are very sexual beings, and his new found youth and young hormones were still playing havoc with the control that he once prided himself with. The not so rational part of me wondered if the thought of making me squirm turned him on. It didn’t matter either way; there was nothing that I could do about it, no way that I could make my body and my mind agree on the exact role he was to play in my life from now on.

No matter how hard I tried to ignore the intoxication that I felt when he was drinking my blood, I couldn’t, and I would never be strong enough to. I would try to concentrate on anything else, sad things, happy things, things that weren’t at all connected to the reality of what was happening, but none of it worked. I would find myself wanting the man that was attached to my wrist. I knew that it was wrong. I knew that the attraction was caused by the venom he pumped into me to replace the blood he was taking, but knowing that and making my body understand that were two different things. The only thing that I held onto that kept me from getting carried away was the thought that if I was this uncomfortable, how horrible
it must be for Darien and Jaden.

These feelings were something that we never brought up with each other for one reason or another. Probably to save ourselves the painful examination of our desires that would surely ensue. These questions would make us face things that we never thought we would have to because our bodies were giving us urges and feelings that our minds just couldn’t explain. Erotic feelings that I am pretty sure the two men in my life were forced to deal with too. They were both straight, they were raised to be attracted to women, our survival banked on that, and now they were
feeling things towards a man. I can’t even imagine the confusion that occurred within them every time they were forced to take their turn.

Sometimes I wondered if Walker enjoyed the fact that we were uncomfortable. His body had changed a lot, his limitations were gone. Was he still the same person that he was when he was handicapped by his secret? Letting my mind wander during our blood sharing and forcing myself to think about unpleasant things were the only ways I could provide myself even the smallest of distractions. There were two reasons why I had to force myself away from the situation, two reasons why I had to retreat to the darkest part of myself when I was alone with Walker. As much as I wanted to pretend that it was just because it was awkward that the man that raised me makes me want him every time that his tongue flicks across my open wounds, I knew this wasn’t just because of awkwardness. I had lived anything but a sheltered life. I knew if there are no real familial ties between two beings then anything goes. I also knew that there was way more to it than just awkward moments when it came to what I felt with Walker. I would never admit it to another soul, it had taken me forever to admit it to myself, but I hated those days with Walker because they made
me think of Akia and thinking of Akia was no longer an option for me anymore.

Akia, the King of the monsters himself, the most deadly being on the planet, was foremost in my mind whenever I let myself enjoy Walker’s mouth and teeth. Sure there are Vampires and Dominus that are more ruthless than even Akia, the ones that would kill you and not even bat an eye just because watching you die amused them, but none of them owned a piece of me. Akia owned a piece that I had no idea existed until the little mix up at the ball that could have cost me my life. I still believe the rest of my family would still be alive if I hadn’t met Akia that night and hadn’t let my heart take over my common sense.

If there had been no Akia, then there would have been no reason for any of us to learn the scary truth about what Dr. Walker really was. If not for meeting Akia, I would not have the blood of my sister Jewel and her baby on my hands. Darien would be a happy father and I would still be contentedly taking out one Dominus at a time.

I try not to think about any of it; it doesn’t do any good to bring up memories that almost bury you. There was nothing that I could do to bring
my loved ones back. Nothing I could do to stop seeing the hopeful look in Jewel’s eyes when she thought I had come to save her life.

As much as I would love to blame Akia for all of it, the truth of the matter
is, he is one of the few people in my life that has never betrayed me. Never once had Akia looked at me like I was a science project, nor had he ever put his own needs above mine. That being said, Akia had no idea just how much I had done to him. I had done horrible things, and caused him suffering that I never thought I had the ability to cause anyone. He thinks I am dead now. Worse than that, he thinks I was killed by his own guards. He lives every day thinking that if he had just have moved a little faster and stopped what was happening, that I would still be alive and there with him. I cannot even imagine the tragic aftermath that I left behind for him to bear.

I will never meet him again and it is better that way, but that doesn't mean that I will ever forget the feeling of his lips on mine. I will be haunted forever by the memories of the rush that I got from the dangerous but romantic game of cat and mouse that we played every time our skin touched. That memory alone has gotten me through many sleepless lonely nights. Closing my eyes and bringing forth the sensation of
his soft words and breath against my skin, such was my bittersweet way to make our moments together live just a little bit longer, if only for precious brief seconds, still long enough to take away my pain.

No matter how badly I want to feel my body cry out for his again, or how much I want his lips on mine, no matter how much I crave his fingertips dancing along my bare skin just one more time, there is no place in my life for him. The story stops here; all Akia will ever be to me is the man that once set my heart on fire
.

There is no reason to ignore the fact that we are literally from two different worlds. I could never be with him, not that he would ever want me, if he knew the truth. I am nothing more than rogue human trash and rogues are killed, not invited into the royal family.

Then there was Darien; handsome, loyal, stubborn Darien, the once little boy that used to protect me when the others were being mean. The only one in the family that stood up for me and to me time and time again, he let me know that I was not alone. I was a lot to handle and he was the only one that could ever tell me to grow up and stop acting the brat when I so clearly was. He is my rock, someone that is strong enough to take me the way I am. He has seen me at my worst, watched the flames shoot from my eyes when I was angry. He knows that being with me would never be simple and still he wanted me. Darien was the man that I knew my heart belonged to. It just took me a while to realize that I was OK with giving it to him. Not because it wouldn’t please me to be his, but because I didn't think anyone deserved to have to deal with the curse that is me.

He had someone that would be good to him and give him the things that were important to him, all the things that I could never give him. There was no room for me in his life before we lost the rest of our family because back then he had Jewel, and she was the perfect woman. She wanted nothing more than to spend her life serving him; giving him the home and family that he deserved. She loved him, and she was going to give him a child. Until of course I took that away from him with a deadly thrust of my hand.

I used to wish every now and then, before Jewel was gone, that I could be the one that was content enough to be serve him, content enough to be the happy little house wife. Now that it is possible for me to step in and take her place, I wasn't sure if I wanted to. Darien would fight for my love until his dying day; there was no doubt in my mind about that.

He really was amazing. He had lost a soon to be wife and child because of me and still he was able to let it go. He truly believed and trusted in me enough to know that I had done what I had to do. In fact, I think that he believed that more than I did, and if it hadn’t been for him telling me my actions had been OK, I think
my sanity would have been lost with Jewel that night.

The fact that I am not falling asleep in his arms every night should be enough to prove that there is something wrong with me. I have the man of my dreams right in front of me, wanting nothing more than to share his life with me, and I let him sit there alone. I guess that old saying about getting something and not wanting it as bad as you thought plays a part in my predicament. Now that I could have Darien it wasn't enough; the twisted part of me still craves Akia’s touch. A part of me so dark, that no one has been able to awaken me from the darkness. That part that makes me lose my mind whenever Akia touches me. I can't explain it. I don't know if I really want to explain it. There is so much passion and need buried in my darkness that no rationality exists for me when it comes to Akia. His touch brings out an animal need that human beings were
supposed to have evolved above. And animal needs died out with the cavemen, right?

Darien will never touch that part of me. Darien is safe. He is calm and he knows me like no one else ever has or ever will. He has watched me grow up; he has held me when I cried. He has even wiped away the tears away that I never let anyone see when I hurt. I need safe; it is the smart route to take. I guess you can call the man that set you up to be raped, safe. I understand why he did it. He wasn’t being mean or punishing me, he was trying to somehow protect me. It took me a long time to realize that, a longer time to trust him again but I can be a very reasonable person if I can let go of my ego for a while.

If I had been alone when I discovered that I could no longer kill a Dominus with sex, my life would have ended. The shock would have shown on my face and I would have panicked. When I panic I do stupid things. I have been pretty lucky so far and my superwoman complex hasn't failed me yet, but I don't know how many times I can temp fate. Darien knew me well enough to know that I would not have believed it, if Dr. Walker had suddenly told me that my reason for living was gone. Showing me was the only way to get the point across. I have a tendency to be downright stubborn and it’s that stubborn part of me that always seems to win. I probably would have run out the door just to prove Dr. Walker wrong. Darien told me later, but only after I begged, that when I passed out, he and Dr. Walker were able to kill Jax, the Dominus that raped me. They pulled him limb from limb but not before he had almost ripped Darien’s throat out.

I almost lost Darien that night and I hadn’t even known it. I don't know what I would have done if I had woken up and found he was gone. I had slept through all of it. I had not realized through my anger just how much of a risk he took to find out if I would be able to stay on the front lines. He had put his life on the line for me because he knew that killing the monsters was my reason for living. It would have been easier for him to talk Walker into pulling me from the project, but he hadn’t. That fact alone proves why I need him. He has my back when I am too hardheaded to cover it myself.

It wasn’t until just recently that it hit me, the realization that I was going to have to try again. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life wondering if I could still kill the monsters or if I was even more useless than I usually felt. I had to know one way or the other where I stood in the order of things. I needed to know if my purpose in our mission should go from front lines to baby maker. I would never be OK with baby maker, if that is what was to be. I would do it though, if all other venues were exhausted.

The journey ahead of me promised to be a life altering one. I would have to depend on other people for the first time in my life. I needed the men in my life way more than they needed me. I would be lying if I said that thought hadn't kept me awake a few nights. I was not great at depending on people. I didn't feel that I had the right to burden, Jaden, Walker, or even Darien with the painful future that might lie ahead for me. I just hoped that I wouldn’t let them down again. I hoped that I was strong enough to take care of them; they were all that I had left.

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