Shelter You (13 page)

A smile breaks out on my face, and it hits me that I’ve been smiling a lot more lately and Logan is the reason. Not even Sarah’s repeated attempts to make me look bad in front of his family can bring me down now. The rest of dinner is uneventful but by the time I leave the Tate’s home I feel a little lighter, happier, like I actually belong.

The next few weeks fly by, and I do my best to stay away from Sarah at work and luckily she’s professional enough to do the same for me. I love working with the kids and having Lily nearby all day is ideal. Carol has met me for lunch a couple of times and I can’t help but to feel thankful for the bond that is forming between us. Having her around makes me a more confident mom. It’s great to have someone that can give me a little parenting advice from time to time.

Logan and I have fallen into an easy routine. We spend as much time together as we can with our differing schedules and no matter what, every night he sleeps in my bed. Although we’re getting closer and closer with every passing day, we still haven’t crossed any lines. We kiss a lot, hug, and cuddle, but we have yet to go past that. I think that he can sense my hesitation at taking our relationship to the next level. He likely believes that it’s due to the fact that I don’t want to become a teen mother again. Little does he know that the thought of having sex with him terrifies me. It’s not that I don’t want to, or that I don’t want to experience that kind of connection with him. The truth is, I really do want to, but the fear of being hurt and used is still in the back of my mind.

I snuck out of the house early this morning while Logan was still asleep after having plotted with Carol and dropped Lily off at her house for the day. At her suggestion, I’m taking the reins and planning a fun day with just me and Logan. It’s my first time away from Lily other than when I’m working and even then she’s in the same building. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it, but I know that Carol will take good care of her and Logan and I can use some alone time.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee permeates my senses as I walk through the front door; Logan is obviously awake. I make my way to the kitchen and walk straight into Logan’s arms. He rests his chin on the top of my head and circles his hands around my waist.

“Good morning.” I sigh, enjoying the feel of being enveloped by him.

“Morning chief. I woke up all alone. Where’d you run off to?”

“I just dropped Lily off at your mom’s house.”

He pushes me back to arm’s length and gives me a questioning look. “You did? Why?”

“Because she wanted to spend time with Lily. She actually insisted and I decided to take advantage. You and I are going to spend the whole day together…alone. I have it all planned out.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one taking you out?”

“Nope,” I respond with a shake of my head. “Today you’re giving up all of your control to me. I’m taking over and you just have to go with it.”

“Just go with it, huh?

“Yup,” I reply with a lopsided grin.

He brings his head down and touches his forehead to mine, giving me a heated stare that causes me to tingle everywhere. He weaves his thumbs through the belt loops on my jeans, effectively keeping me connected to him. “I’ll go anywhere with you,” he says, just before he brings his lips down to mine for what might go down in history as the sweetest kiss ever.

I order Logan to put on warm comfortable clothes while I deal with my body issues. I know that breastfeeding was the best choice at the time but having to pump on schedule is not my favorite part of motherhood. I try to finish up as quickly and as discreetly as possible; the idea of Logan knowing that I have to do this is embarrassing to me. I don’t want him to look at me as a milk pumping factory. I like that he sees me as more than just a mom. Thirty minutes later, we’re packing into his truck with me in the driver’s seat.

“You sure you’re okay with me driving your truck? We can take my… I mean your other car.”

“I’m sure. This is more comfortable than
your
car.”

“Okay,” I say, getting that familiar warm and fuzzy feeling I get whenever he says something sweet to me. Something thoughtful that throws me off balance and causes my resistance against his charm to slip further.

“So…” He prods, clapping his hands together loudly and rubbing them together. “Where are we going?”

I bat my eyelashes at him in a teasing fashion just before turning onto the main road. “You’ll see.”

“Why the sudden need for secrecy, huh chief?”

“Your manipulation won’t work with me, Logan,” I say, giving him a playful punch on the arm. “It’s not a secret. It’s a surprise. There’s a big difference you know.”

“Watch that punch there, you hit like a man. You can hurt someone with that thing.” He teases.

“Ohhhh yeah right. Big bad Mia.”

He reaches over and slips his hand on my neck, giving it a gentle squeeze. “There’s nothing big and bad about you, Mia. It’s all soft and sweet.”

We spend the next hour or so listening to music and talking about any and everything. I can tell by the directions that his built in GPS is spewing that we’re getting close.

“So we’re obviously going to somewhere in Philly. Can you tell me where yet?”

“Guess?”

“Museum of art?”

“No.”

“Franklin Square?”

“Nooo.”

“Ugh, Liberty Bell?”

“Something you’d actually enjoy.” I tease.

“Baby, it’s a Sunday. The only thing I’d enjoy on a Sunday in the fall is football.”

I smile brightly at him.

“Nooo. Are we going to an Eagles game?”

“According to this thing,” I say, pointing to the GPS, “we are.”

“What? How?” he asks, looking completely adorable, a mixture of surprised and excited.

“I know people,” I say. When Steven found out I wanted to do something nice for Logan, he was able to get me a pair of seats from a friend of his who has season tickets. I knew it would be the perfect surprise for him.

Moments later we’re parked and making our way into the stadium.

We’re ushered to our seats and Logan looks at me and grins. “How’d you get seats right on the forty yard line?”

“Is that good?”

“Is that
good
? Mia, these seats couldn’t possibly get any better.” We settle into our seats and for the next few hours, Logan and I are a couple. A real couple. He explains what’s happening down on the field to me. We hold hands and snuggle into each other to keep warm. It’s beautiful, simple, and normal and it feeds a part of my soul that’s been empty for so long, a darkness in me that’s starved for sunlight. I feel as though I’ve been fighting against the current for so long and with Logan I can finally just let go. I can finally be free to be me, I can finally allow myself to trust a little.

Logan can tell that I’m exhausted by the time the game ends and opts to drive home.

“Are we picking Lily up?” he asks as we pull onto the highway.

I hesitate for a moment, all of a sudden very aware of my answer. “No. Your mom and dad are keeping her for the night.”

He looks away and clears his throat. “Oh, okay. That was nice of them.”

“Yeah, I mean we can always call them and pick her up if you think it’s too much.”

“No, no. I think it’s great that they’re giving you the night off, plus they don’t have grandkids yet so I can guarantee you they’re eating this up.”

“Us. They’re giving
us
the night off. I know her crying wakes you up too.”

“It’s no bother. I love that kid.”

I inhale a sharp breath, hearing him say he loves Lily is like a dream. It causes a pang in my chest and my eyes start to burn with unshed tears. The thought of Lily having Logan in her life, a good man, an honest man who could teach her and show her the difference between right and wrong is almost too much for me to hope for. I had already resigned myself to the idea of raising her on my own as a single mother. I never would have believed that someone as amazing as Logan would want to be with me, an unwed teen mom on the run.

“She um… She loves you back,” I say quietly.

He pulls my hand into his lap and entwines our fingers together, a connection that feels different somehow. Stronger, if that’s even possible, and all of a sudden I can’t wait to get home. I can’t wait to be alone with him, and see what the night has in store for us.

The car coming to a stop jostles me awake; Logan pushes a few strands of hair off of my face and kisses my nose.

“We’re home.” He announces quietly, while he strokes my cheek with the back of his hand. “You okay to walk?”

I look into his soulful blue eyes and smile. I could get lost in him, I want to get lost in him. “Yeah, I can walk.”

He shuts off the ignition and removes the key. He exits the car and rounds the hood coming to the passenger side and opening the door for me. I give him my hand and he helps me out. We make our way inside the house, and he switches the lights on and closes the door behind me as I take off my jacket and hang it up. He comes behind me and circles his arms around my waist; instinctively I lean back into him.

“Are you ready to go upstairs?” He questions, his lips inches away from my ear.

My heart rate picks up and I try to speak, but find that I’ve lost my voice. I nod my head in response to his question and with a slight push of his hand on the small of my back he leads me up the stairs. I turn to face him and place my hands on his chest. “I think I need a shower, it’s been a long day.”

“Yeah me too. How ‘bout you meet me back in my room when you’re ready.”

“Your room?”

“Yeah, I thought that maybe we can stay in my room tonight. I have a bigger bed it’s more comfortable.”

“Okay.”

I take my time in the shower washing my hair, shaving and getting myself mentally prepared for what may or may not happen tonight. We’ve never actually spoken about furthering our relationship, never discussed the impact of throwing sex into the mix. I’ve been happily living in a bubble here with Logan all the while in denial about the fact that at some point he would expect more, he would need more. It’s not that I don’t want to give it to him, I want to. With everything I have I want to be that for him, I want to be everything that he needs and expects me to be and I think that I want those things too. I’m just scared, scared to give myself to him willingly because what if it’s not what I keep hoping it will be. What if it’s exactly what I experienced in the past? The idea is not exactly appealing to me and not that I regret having Lily, but the process of creating her was not by any means romantic or enjoyable. I make a promise to myself not to use my past experience as a point of reference for whatever happens with Logan. He’s different. He cares about me and whatever we do we do it because we both want to.

Once I’m done in the shower and my hair is all dry I linger in my bedroom trying to figure out exactly what to wear. I don’t think that my normal attire of flannel pajamas is appropriate for tonight but I don’t own anything that is outright sexy. Lingerie has never been a top priority on my list of things to do. I pick the best pair of undies that I can find—a cute pair of pink boy shorts with black lace trim, and toss on a white t-shirt that I snatched from Logan. I open my door and walk across the hall, taking deep soothing breaths.

I pause for a moment at his door, placing my forehead on the cool wood.
I can do this.
I say to myself trying to calm my nerves. I lift my hand and gently rap on his door. Moments later it opens up and Logan is standing there looking nothing short of beautiful, freshly showered and in a pair of dark gray boxer briefs.

He takes my hand and gently tugs me into the room. “You never have to knock baby,” he says, closing the door after me.

I simply nod my response and hope that he can’t sense just how nervous I am.

“Hey,” he says, pulling my chin up until our eyes are locked. “Nothing has to happen here tonight. We only have to go as far as you want okay?”

“Okay.”

“I like you in my clothes, you look beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“Come on, come lay down with me.” He pulls back the covers and climbs onto the middle of the bed. I take his outstretched hand and join him. He pulls me close until we’re snuggled together face to face. He strokes my cheek the way I love so much and pulls his hand through my hair. His hand starts to move, he runs it up and down my arm, never breaking eye contact as he moves on to my back rubbing lazy circles around my spine. Slowly his hand travels down until it reaches the hem of my shirt and slides underneath it, I jump a little at the direct contact to my skin but I quickly recover and begin to enjoy the impromptu massage.