She's Gone: A Novel (36 page)

Jolie had invited Leah to the Georgia O’Keefe art exhibit that Saturday. She had discovered O’Keefe’s art when reading the Alfred Stieglitz photo book that Will had given her. His photos of his wife Georgia intrigued Jolie and then she fell in love with her art.

Jolie sat in the grandeur of the hushed lobby of the art museum. She jumped up when Leah walked in. “You’re going to love Georgia O’Keeffe’s paintings,” Jolie said, hugging her. “They are colorful and organic.”

“Organic?” Leah said.

“Like primal and indigenous.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I can’t wait to see them.”

Inside the exhibit they moved slowly through the large-scale paintings. One depicted a ram skull with a blue morning glory, others were large scale flowers that filled the canvas. In another, the expansive sky and brown cliffs reverberated the stillness, the remoteness, and the beauty of the desert.

They stood in front of a large white flower. A hint of pink seeped from the edges, flowing around and into itself. “It’s erotic,” Jolie said.

“It’s surreal,” Leah said.

Jolie stood gazing at the painting, transfixed by the beauty. Leah tapped her arm. Jolie followed Leah’s gaze. Her heart thudded. Nick and a girl with shoulder-length dark hair stood in front of a large landscape, holding hands. Jolie stood rigid and watched as Nick and the girl moved closer to them. They looked at ease with each other. She couldn’t take her eyes off Nick. Her stomach flipped, and her face warmed. As Nick led the girl to the painting next to where they stood, he saw her.

“Jolie! How are you?”

“Fine. I’m fine.” She smiled at him.

“Angela, this is Jolie and Leah.”

His old girlfriend? “Angela? From Chicago?” Jolie asked.

Angela nodded and looked confused.

“She transferred to Radcliffe for the winter quarter,” Nick said.

“Nice to meet you,” Jolie said.

He had moved on. He wasn’t waiting for her to change her mind. Standing next to him, her emotions caught up with her. Would she regret not telling him the truth about the tangled web of her false identity? Would he still love her if he knew? She swallowed and regained her composure.

“I have a photograph for you. Stop by the restaurant.”

“I will,” he said.

“Bye,” Leah said, pushing Jolie along. “Good to meet you.”

As they left the gallery Jolie glanced back and met Nick’s gaze. His brown eyes were sad and devoid of the usual sparkle. He smiled wistfully and shook his head.

On a slushy Saturday, Jolie and Charlie walked to the office after meditation at the temple.

“Do you see a hole when you meditate?” Jolie asked.

“No holes, other stuff, but no holes,” he said.

“I see a blue hole when I meditate. It started a while ago and now it is always there. I’m drawn in to it, but I can’t seem to let go and get though.”

“Keep trying. Maybe it’s the window to enlightenment.”

They laughed. She glanced at Charlie and warmed with affection. She suddenly realized something. Charlie was more than a friend, he was her liaison. He stood up for her and now they shared a spiritual connection.

“Tell me what the monk meant when he said a wave does not need to die to become water,” Charlie said.

“Oh, well, a wave is already water. The ground of a wave is water. As he’s said before, we need to look deeply and touch the ground of our being: nirvana.”

Charlie stopped on the corner and turned toward her. She stopped walking and continued. “We don’t have to attain nirvana, because we are already dwelling in it. It is within us. We only need to touch it through understanding and insight.”

“Have you touched it?” Charlie asked.

“Not yet.” She smiled.

At the office, they warmed their hands over the rusting radiator. Bob Dylan moaned from the stereo. Lily was sorting mail at a table nearby.

“How’s school?” Charlie asked her.

“I dropped out,” Lily said, twirling a strand of long blonde hair around her finger.

Dropped out? “Why?” Jolie asked.

“Will wants me here full-time.” She beamed an angelic smile.

“You dropped out of college to work here?” Jolie asked.

She nodded, still smiling. “He thinks I’ll learn far more here.”

Jolie looked at Will, who was talking intently with T.J., and then turned back to Lily, stunned. Her dream was to go to college and Lily had just let it go, for Will. Her throat closed up, and she couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t Lily fall in love with Adam or Charlie? Why did they all fall for Will? Without being conscious of moving she found herself on the sidewalk walking in the direction of the house.

“Jolie,” Charlie called after her.

His footsteps fell close behind, and she willed herself not to cry.

47

Whisper Words of Wisdom

Spring was just around the corner. Jolie walked to the temple almost daily before work. She continued to see a blue hole when she meditated. In the temple library, she studied Buddha’s teachings of the eightfold path. One morning when she entered the library, a familiar monk sat reading. She sat nearer to him than usual. He glanced up as her chair screeched against the floor.

“Can I ask you something?” she said.

“Of course, my child.”

“When I meditate, I see a blue hole. It seems to invite me through, but I stop at the edge.”

“You are suffering,” he said, “but you’ve come far. The initial stage is earnestness. The desire to understand your suffering.” He sat back and looked at her. “The hole may reveal your obstruction, the cause of suffering. Your spirit is asking you to search deeper for what you want.”

“I am searching but at the edge of the blue hole I seem to hold back.”

“One has to let go to be free. Being free is the only condition of happiness.”

She sat silent, thinking through what he had said.
Let go to be free.

“Cultivate your heart to remove obstructions,” he continued. “Your subconscious mind is ready for a new way of life before you are consciously ready. Meditate on it, it will come to you.”

“In meditation it will come to me?” she asked.

“The path will reveal itself in your unconscious thoughts. Meditation, dreams, or just walking down the street.”

She looked into his shining brown eyes. He paused and then continued. “And when it reveals itself, my child, you must trust and embrace the wisdom that lies within you. It may not be what you expected, but you must listen and trust your own voice, your own inner knowing. The universe does not want you to suffer.”

Leah stopped in Brigham’s one afternoon and invited Jolie to join her in New York for the weekend. “Daniel’s coming with me to meet my parents.”

“Daniel’s meeting your parents?”

“Yes.” Radiance danced from her eyes and smile. “We’re going to all the art museums.”

“Bagels, art museums, your mother’s cooking…I’d love to come,” Jolie said.

“Zack’s taking us to a huge flea market. There is a whole section with nothing but vintage clothing,” Leah said.

That night she stopped in the office on her way home. Some student volunteers still worked while others sat around shooting the breeze. An attractive new girl stood at the table in the kitchen, sorting the mail. Another new recruit. She had a tall frame with jet black hair that fell down her back like silk. Her short skirt, tall platform shoes, and matching apricot lipstick and rouge seemed out of place at the office. Her oversized, silver hoop earrings bobbed as she talked with Adam. Charlie and Will studied a map on the work table. Lily hovered near Will.

“Going somewhere?” Jolie asked.

“I’m driving to California,” Charlie said.

Jolie looked at the map. They had plotted the route from Boston to Los Angeles. “You’re going to L.A.?”

“Yes, my Nam buddies are having a reunion,” Charlie said.

“That’s a long drive,” Jolie said.

“They’re like brothers to me,” Charlie said. “Plus, I’ve always wanted to go to California.”

“Are you coming back?” she asked in a small voice.

“Of course.”

“I can picture you in the Wild West.”

Jolie studied the map, thinking about the long Greyhound bus trip she and Will had taken a year ago.

“I’m going to New York,” Jolie said.

Will snapped his head around. “With who?”

“Leah, Daniel, and Sarah, the weekend after next,” she said.

“No baby, that’s the weekend of the anti-war march in D.C. You’re coming with me. We’re going to be a million strong there.”

Jolie looked at him, her excitement dashed. “But Leah needs me there. You know, for support, when Daniel meets her parents.”

“Leah’s a big girl,” Will said. “Besides, where would you rather be, in D.C. with me at the largest protest ever or in New York?”

The room fell quiet. All eyes were on them, including the new girl. Will looked at Jolie intently. Charlie looked down at the map, tapping it with the pencil eraser.

Not this question again. Where would she rather be? Honestly, if she could be anywhere in the world where would she want to be? The temple? The blue hole popped into her mind. Was it that hard to answer?

The ring of a phone broke the silence. A student held up the receiver. “Will, it’s for you.”

Will was busy setting up meetings with other presses for the weekend in D.C. and had been working late. One night she stopped at the office after work, not wanting to go home to an empty house. Adam was in the kitchen on the telephone. The melodic voice of Sam Cooke singing “A Change is Gonna Come” floated from the living room. Adam quickly glanced into the work room. Jolie’s eyes followed his gaze. Will sat typing. The new girl stood behind him massaging his neck. She stopped when she saw Jolie and pursed her apricot lips.

“Ah, don’t stop now baby,” Will said, looking at the paper in the typewriter. He pressed his head and shoulders into her.

Jolie turned and slipped out the door. Two blocks later she ducked into a diner. She slumped into an empty red plastic booth. Fireworks went off in her head. Release your feelings, calm the mind and think. The waitress appeared.

“Herbal tea, please.”

“We only have black tea, honey,” the waitress said.

“Black tea is fine.” She forced a smile at the older waitress.

The waitress walked off and Jolie closed her eyes. A wave of emotions churned in her head and her heart. She could hear the monk: “Calm your mind. Reflection brings wisdom. All you need is within yourself. Become your own.”

The blue hole appeared, but seemed different. It was sky blue with a warm light at the end. She was falling and falling. She let herself go and fell through.

When she opened her eyes, a white mug sat before her on a chipped saucer. A Lipton tea bag dangled by a string from a small, steaming teapot. She poured a cup and sat in the big booth, drinking tea. It was dark outside now. She was calm, at peace and happy, truly happy. She had let herself go and had emerged with the answer. The answer to the blue hole. The answer to the physical and emotional emptiness that constantly tugged at her.

Three pots of tea and two hours later, Jolie paid the waitress. She left her a large tip and walked home slowly, staying under the street lamps. Near their house, she could see someone sitting on the top of the front steps. As she approached, she could make out Will’s profile.

“Jolie.” He jumped to his feet. “I’ve looked everywhere for you. I called Leah. I even went to the temple. Where were you?”

“I lost my way.”

“What do you mean, ‘lost’? Lost where?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m here now.”