She's Not There (4 page)

“What hotel?” Caroline asked. What was she saying? Was she crazy? How many times could she put herself through this? Hadn't she already made ill-advised trips to Miami and Washington, only to watch her hopes turn to disappointment and ultimately despair? Was she really prepared to go through it all again?

“The Fairfax. It's right downtown, and it's pretty nice.”

“No, I can't. It's too ridiculous.”

“It isn't.”

“This whole conversation is ridiculous. You're ridiculous.
I'm
ridiculous for sitting here talking to some girl who's either a champion con artist or a total whack job. I'm sorry. I have to hang up.”

“Please…you said you'd think about it.”

Caroline stared at the wall of cupboards across from her, watching them blur together, separate, then come together again. She couldn't seriously be thinking of going to Calgary. Could she? “All right,” she heard herself say.

“You'll come?”

“I'll think about it.”

“I'll be waiting in the lobby,” the girl said, and then the line went dead.

“W
ell, look who's here,” Rain said as Caroline maneuvered her way through the rows of chaise longues that twisted around the hotel's sprawling outdoor pool.

“You made it,” Peggy said, patting the empty chair beside her.

Becky nodded in her direction but said nothing. Even though the floppy hat and oversized dark glasses hid most of her sister-in-law's face, Caroline could tell Becky had been crying. She'd seen enough of this face over the years to recognize the puffiness in her cheeks, the downward twist of her mouth that overrode her attempts to smile.

Clearly her brother and his wife had been fighting. Again. Caroline wondered what the fight was about this time, then pushed the thought out of her mind. Whatever it was, it was none of her business. And she was determined to enjoy her last day in paradise. Hunter had generously volunteered to look after Samantha so she could spend a few hours at the pool with her friends, unencumbered; Michelle had finally embraced kids' camp, or at least had gone off this afternoon without the usual barrage of tears and protestations; she and Hunter had finally made love last night, albeit hurriedly and with a minimum of foreplay, before he'd passed out from too much sun and liquor.

Caroline looked toward the balcony of her suite as she removed her white lace cover-up, then lay back in her chair. She'd been hoping this holiday would reawaken the easy passion she and Hunter had once shared. But Hunter was preoccupied with work; she was preoccupied with the children; their friends were always around. The reality was that she and Hunter had spent very little time alone together this week. Not exactly the romantic getaway she'd been hoping for.

“Ooh, interesting bathing suit you have on,” Rain said, adjusting the top of the tiny hot-pink bikini she was spilling out of. “Very retro.”

Caroline glanced down at her black-and-white one-piece swimsuit and smiled. She didn't know Rain all that well, so she was never quite sure how to take such compliments:
Love that just-got-out-of-bed look you've got going on with your hair. Look at you with those wide pants—so brave of you to buck the trends. Wish I could wear such a big print—you flat-chested girls have it so easy
. She looked around the crowded pool. “Where are the guys?”

“Golf,” Rain said.

“One of the few activities your mother deemed safe enough for her precious son,” Becky said, then looked away, so as not to invite comment.

You can't let her get to you,
Caroline wanted to tell her sister-in-law, but stopped when she realized she'd been telling her that for years. Telling
herself
that ever since she could remember. But it was a losing battle. Her mother was a force of nature. There was no getting away.

“Excuse me,” Rain called, beckoning a young, dark-haired waiter toward them. “Who wants a gin and tonic?” she asked the others.

“Sounds good,” Peggy said.

“Count me in,” Becky agreed.

“I'll have a Coke,” Caroline said.

“You will absolutely
not
have a Coke,” Rain said. “It's our last day. I forbid it. Four gin and tonics,
por favor
. This one's on me, ladies.”

Minutes later, they were leaning back in their chairs, sipping their drinks. “So, what's everyone up to when we return to civilization?” Rain asked.

“Back to work,” Peggy said. Peggy worked at San Diego General Hospital.

“Don't know how you do it,” Rain said. “Dealing with sick people all day. Doesn't it get to you?”

“Well, I don't actually deal with patients. I'm in administration.”

“What about you?” Rain asked, swiveling toward Becky. “Ready to resume the job hunt?”

Caroline held her breath as Becky's shoulders stiffened. Steve had let slip that Becky had recently been fired from her job as an accounts manager for a local ad agency after a major client bolted to the competition, a fact that Becky had been hoping to keep under wraps until she found a new position. Of course, Caroline already knew about it; her mother had called with the news as soon as Steve confided it.

“This might be a good time to concentrate on getting pregnant,” Mary had told her daughter-in-law, as if the reason she and Steve hadn't conceived was Becky's lack of concentration.

“At least you don't have to worry about money,” Rain said. “Jerrod tells me that Steve is doing
verrrry
well these days.”

“We're managing,” Becky said. She downed what was left in her glass and signaled the waiter for a refill. “Who's joining me?”

“I'm game,” Rain said.

“What the hell. Why not?” Peggy agreed.

“Only if it's my turn to treat,” Caroline said, still nursing the drink in her hand. She'd never been much of a drinker, especially in the afternoon. Still, it was their last day in Rosarito, for once she didn't have a child hanging on her arm or a baby balanced on her hip, and she didn't want to be perceived as a stick-in-the-mud. She was still one of the girls. She still knew how to have fun.

She was more than just a mother.

“I guess it's just more of the same for you,” Rain said to Caroline, as if she'd sneaked a peek into her brain.

“Sorry? More of the same?”

“Staying home, looking after two little kids. I'd go crazy with the lack of adult stimulation. It must turn your brain to mush. I think you're amazing. I really do.”

Caroline tried not to bristle at the subtle insult embedded in the compliment or at having to defend her decision to be a stay-at-home mom. “It's only for a few more years. Then I'll go back to teaching.”

“Another job I could never do. Especially math. It's so boring.”

“I don't find it boring at all…”

“Really?” asked Rain, eyes wide with wonder.

“I guess everything must seem pretty dull when you compare it to modeling,” Peggy said, as the waiter returned with a fresh round of drinks. “Jerrod says you're still in a fair bit of demand…”

“More than a fair bit. And I'm offered way more jobs than I'm able to accept because of all my charity work. Plus Jerrod travels so much, and he likes me to go with him, so I'm limited in what projects I can take on.” She leaned in, motioning with her hands for the others to do the same, as if she were about to impart a great secret. “We made a pact when we got married that we'd never spend more than two nights apart. That's what put the kibosh on Jerrod's first marriage, you know. Made him especially vulnerable to women like me.” She gave a smile that could only be described as dazzling. “My husband has an insatiable libido, and I'm happy to say he's finally met his match.” She tossed her head back, her honey-blond hair cascading halfway down her back, then held that position, as if waiting for a photographer to snap her picture.

“I didn't realize he had to travel that much,” Caroline said, although what she really wanted to say was “Oh, God, no. Please let's not talk about that.” She didn't want to discuss Rain's sex life or her role in the dissolution of Jerrod's previous marriage. She didn't know much about either Rain or Jerrod other than that Jerrod was the lead director of a major mining corporation, and he and Hunter had become friendly when Hunter's firm was hired to handle a recent acquisition. Rain was fun to be around, in large part because you never knew what outrageous thing she was going to say next, but she and Rain would never be bosom buddies. In Hunter's words, “a little of her went a long way.”

“Every month we're off somewhere new and exciting,” Rain was saying. “Alaska, Vancouver, South America. Visiting mines. Meeting with local dignitaries. These last five years have been quite the adventure.”

“No time for kids, I guess,” Peggy said.

“God, no. Besides, Jerrod already has three with his first wife. That's more than enough.” She made a face. “I don't know. Children have never been my thing. They're just so…”

“Boring?” asked Caroline.

Rain laughed. “Kind of like math.”

“I don't think children are boring,” Peggy said.

“That's because you have them. You
have
to feel that way. But we know the truth, don't we, Becky?”

Once again Caroline found herself holding her breath, understanding that Rain likely knew nothing of Becky's situation. The two women had met only a week ago and Becky wasn't in the habit of discussing her fertility problems with relative strangers. Or with anyone, for that matter.

Caroline looked toward her sister-in-law, who acknowledged her glance with a roll of her eyes before turning away. They'd been close once, more like sisters than sisters-in-law. But Becky, fueled by her mother-in-law's constant comparisons, had grown increasingly distant over the years, more so after Samantha's birth. She'd tried to hide it, but it was pretty obvious she regarded Caroline's fecundity as something of a personal affront.

Caroline took another sip of her drink, leaned back in her chaise, and closed her eyes. She was exhausted. Who knew that relaxing could be such hard work?

“Time for more sunscreen,” a voice said. “Your nose is getting burned.”

Caroline opened her eyes to see Peggy's face looming above hers. “What?”

“You're getting a bit red.”

Caroline bolted upright, knocking her canvas bag off her chair, its contents spilling onto the concrete. “I must have fallen asleep. What time is it?”

“Five after four.”

“Shit. I was supposed to pick up Michelle at four.” She scrambled to retrieve the items that had escaped her bag, then pushed herself to her feet. “Where is everyone?” she asked, looking around.

“Becky had a headache, so she went back to her room about half an hour ago. Rain had an appointment for a massage.”

“Well, I hate to leave you here alone…”

“No problem. I've had enough lounging. Time to go upstairs and take a nap.” Peggy slipped her hand through Caroline's and together they headed for the lobby.

“I can't believe I passed out like that. Did I miss anything?”

“You mean with Little Miss Met-His-Match? No, thankfully she spared us further details. For a minute I thought we were back in high school.”

The two women laughed. Caroline was still chuckling when she picked up Michelle.

“You're late,” the child cried, causing the chuckle to die in Caroline's throat.

The raven-haired young woman holding Michelle's hand shot Caroline an accusing glance. “See? I told you your mommy didn't forget about you.”

Caroline checked her watch. “It's only a few minutes…”

“Michelle was getting quite anxious.”

“I would never forget about you,” Caroline assured her daughter repeatedly on the elevator ride back to their room.

“I'm not going to kids' camp anymore,” Michelle said as they walked down the long hall toward their suite.

“Well, we're leaving first thing in the morning, so you don't have to.” Caroline fumbled in her canvas tote for her keycard, almost walking into a service cart loaded with towels and linen. “Shit. Where is it?”

“You said a bad word.”

The damn thing must have fallen out at the pool,
Caroline thought as they approached their suite, then waited for Hunter to answer her knock on the door. “What—again?” she could almost hear him say. She'd already lost one keycard, earlier in the week. Good thing they were so easy to replace. She knocked again. “Hunter?” She rested her ear against the door, heard the shower running. “Great. Perfect time for a shower.” Hunter was notorious for both the frequency and the length of his showers. “Looks like we'll have to go back to the lobby and get another card.”

“I don't want to go back to the lobby.”

Caroline remembered the service cart. Probably the housekeeper had a master keycard. “Come with me,” she said to Michelle.