Shield My Heart (Heaven Hill Book 9) (23 page)

“I
t means a lot to me that you’ll come to a session.”

Mandy had been begging Dalton to come to a session with Doc Jones for a while, but he’d put it off for as long as possible. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the woman—he’d met her once or twice—he just didn’t like what she stood for.

After he and Deacon had been taken away from their parents, they’d been forced to endure counseling. They’d been made to tell people what had happened to them in detail; details they’d both wanted to forget. It hadn’t mattered if they wanted to or not. If they didn’t talk, they were punished.

“If it makes us stronger,” he held up their clasped hands, “I’ll do whatever it takes.”

They walked up the front porch of Doc Jones’ office and home, and Mandy knocked on the door.

“C’mon in, you two.” The older woman ushered them in. “I was hoping at some point I’d see you two in a session together. I’m glad today’s the day.”

Mandy was too, because she had some things she wanted to say. Things she needed to get off her chest.

“Have a seat,” Doc Jones invited them to sit down on the couch. “Mandy asked me back when the two of you reconciled if I would consider having a session with both of you, and I told her I would. I also explained to her that if she wanted to air her grievances, then you should be allowed to do the same. I’m someone who believes in equal opportunity bitching.”

Dalton let a puff of breath pass between his lips before he gave into a full belly laugh. “Good to know.” He put his arm around Mandy, pulling her in close. “Whatever you feel like you need to tell me, I want you to do it. I don’t want there to be secrets between us again.”

“Good.” Mandy pulled away, pushing her long dark hair behind her ears. Her eyes didn’t meet his, but she played with her fingers in her lap. “Because I have a lot to say, and I want to make sure you’re ready to hear it. It’s taken me a long time to decide I wanted to actually go here with you. I don’t want to set us back, you understand? But I want us to be able to move forward with a clean slate.”

So here it was. She’d been amazingly understanding in the moments since they’d gotten back together, he’d almost thought he was safe.

Cupping her cheeks with his hands, he forced her to meet his eyes. “I’m a big boy. I can take whatever you need to tell me. When we leave here the slate is clean.”

“Do you really mean that Dalton?” Doc Jones asked, watching him closely behind her glasses.

“This woman carries my child, she has been with me through thick and thin since we were teenagers, she forgave me for being the biggest dick on the face of the planet. If she needs answers, I can do that. If she needs me to man up so she can beat me down a bit, I can do that too.”

Mandy was quiet for a few minutes until Doc Jones gently pressured.

“Mandy, he can’t read your mind. You’ve got to tell him and put voice to those feelings.”

Blowing out a breath, she lifted her dark eyes up to meet his. “I’ve gone through all those things with you, yet I don’t have your patch.” The words were quietly spoken, so quiet he almost couldn’t hear them.

His patch. Fuck. He’d thought about the patch a year ago, had even gotten her one, but never told her. Marriage. A ring. Her last name being his. He’d thought about all of that, but never been confident enough to give it to her.

“You’re too good for a patch. You deserve everything else, Mandy.” He played it off, not wanting to admit he had such low confidence in himself.

Doc Jones interjected, wanting to make him see how much this meant to the woman who sat beside him. “Don’t tell her what she’s too good for, and if you’re saying she should have these other things, why doesn’t she?”

He scrubbed his hand along the hair on the back of his neck. “Honestly? I always thought you’d say no.”

“What?” Shock couldn’t have been more apparent in her voice. “What in the hell gave you that idea?”

“It was me.” He shrugged. “I never wanted to put myself out there so you could say no, because if you did, it would’ve wrecked me. There would be no coming back from that for me, so I never even gave a thought to it. If I never asked, you could never say no.”

Again, Doc Jones interjected. “That’s selfish, Dalton. Do you see how selfish that is? Some may call it self-preservation, but you’re denying the woman you love what she wants because you’re afraid of being hurt.”

He’d never thought of it that way. Thinking about it in those terms made him feel like an ass, he realized now, exactly how much he’d probably hurt and confused her. “I’m sorry.” He grabbed her hands, pulling them into his body. “I shouldn’t have made assumptions, but at the same time why didn’t you tell me that’s what you wanted?”

“As scared as you were, I was just as scared of making you want to leave. You’ve never been one to talk about forever or plans. You made that pretty clear from the moment things started to get serious. I guess I figured you would grow up one day and that’s what you’d want.”

“So you’re assuming I’m not grown up?”

“No.” She shook her head, twisting her hands in her lap. “I figured it was a natural progression. One that never happened for us.”

“And that was my fault,” he finished.

“I’m not laying blame here,” she argued. “I’m really not.”

“But it is my fault, because if I had been any kind of a man, I would have put a claim on you a long time ago,” he finished the words fiercely.

“What holds you back?” Doc Jones asked, making notes in her pad.

“Fear. It’s what always holds me back.”

She glanced between the two of them. She knew both of their stories from Mandy coming to her, and from counseling other members of the Heaven Hill group.

“How long are you going to let your fear run your life? Your childhood will never change because it’s already happened, but the future is something you can change,” she encouraged him.

Dalton blinked rapidly, she was right. He was worrying about things he couldn’t change and fucking up the things he could. “Look,” he turned to face Mandy, “I’m making no promises, because you know me and promises, but I’m telling you, now that I know what you want, I’ll give it some thought. But you have to tell me these things. I’m not a mind reader at all. I have no idea what you want from me, what you expect from me. I have no role model for this. I do the relationship thing by the seat of my pants. I see how Liam, Denise, Meredith and Tyler treat each other, but it’s hard for me to put that into everyday situations. I’m just not hardwired like that.”

Doc Jones laughed. “I’m pretty sure everybody does until they find the one person who will put up with them. Don’t lose your person, and Mandy, be sure and tell him what you want. Dalton will never be able to read your mind either.”

That was the best advice he’d ever received. If he had it his way, he’d never lose his person.

‡
Chapter Thirty-One

“W
hat time are you leavin’ today?” Drew asked Dalton as the two of them worked on an oil change at the shop.

Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, he checked the time. “About two hours. Mandy’s appointment is at one.”

Drew grinned. “Seven-month checkup. You’re gettin’ close, my man. Scared yet?”

“Not gonna lie, these last three to four months have flown by.” He ran his hand over his closely cropped hair. “I thought by now we’d already at least be building a house on the land up in Barren County or have a nursery at her apartment. But we’re all still looking over our shoulders at Calvert, and I’m not sure why,” Dalton admitted.

“He threatened us, and I don’t think any of us take that lightly, least of all you.”

Dalton knew his friend was right, but he also knew at some point he and Mandy were going to have to make a home for their child to live in. They couldn’t keep staying at the clubhouse indefinitely. He was going to have to discuss it with Mandy soon, or better yet, get the appointment at the bank and just start the ball rolling again.

“Yeah, but we need to have our own home, put down those roots I know Mandy wants. I owe her a lot, and that’s really the only thing she’s asked of me.” Dalton turned his head in a circle on his shoulders.

Drew was quiet for a few minutes. “I know what you mean. Charity’s got baby fever, and we’ve been seriously talking about having one.”

Dalton dropped his wrench. “No shit?”

“No shit.” Drew laughed. “Being around Mandy has made it worse, but then I kinda think about it. I’d love to carry on the Walker name, and have a kid that looks like my wife, ya know?”

He nodded. “I have a feelin’ this poor kid’s gonna look like me.”

Drew whistled through his teeth. “Hopefully our genes outweigh your ugly mug.”

Dalton flipped a middle finger in his direction, causing Drew to laugh.

“No, seriously. I should’ve said this a while ago, but I was still pissed at you for how you handled things in the beginning.”

Dalton was all ears, because he’d been waiting on this, waiting for the seal of approval from his oldest friend. He’d made peace with Mandy and Liam—Drew was the last holdout.

“I can see your point of view now, and while I don’t necessarily agree with how you handled it, you’ve manned up. You’ve been here the past few months, you’ve done anything and everything anyone’s asked of you, and you haven’t complained once. And any idiot can look at you and Mandy and know you’re happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for either one of you.”

It meant so much for Dalton to hear that, but he couldn’t put it into words, couldn’t make his mouth form them. Instead, he clasped hands with him. “I appreciate that. You have no idea how much.”

“I can’t think of a better person to be the father of my nephew. You’ve come a long way, D.”

The praise meant more to him than he could put into words; so instead, he nodded his head in thanks and continued about his business.

*

“Is Dalton coming to pick you up?” Charity asked Mandy as the two of them sat in the office eating lunch together. It was raining, and Charity hadn’t wanted Mandy to go out in it. They had all taken to babying her the further along she got in the pregnancy.

“Yeah.” She spoke around the bite of grilled chicken salad in her mouth. “He dropped me off this morning, and he’ll be coming to pick me up. I’m not sure if I’m gonna come back or not, if that’s okay.”