Shifted By The Winds (48 page)

Carrie knew Rose would be waiting for her as she slipped out onto the porch bundled in breeches and an even thicker coat than she had worn that afternoon to ward off the chilly evening air. Both of them should be sleeping, but neither could wait another moment to be alone. The evening of nonstop talk and laughter with everyone had been wonderful, but now she wanted nothing more than to talk with her best friend.

They linked arms but remained silent as they walked out into the night, illuminated by a moon that was just shy of full. The cold fall air had silenced the frogs, but the hooting owls and coyote yips more than made up for them. Carrie shivered as the house disappeared around a curve. “Are we safe?” She hated to ask the question, but she had been sensitive to the unspoken tension all night. She peered around, searching the shadows for any unexpected movement.

Rose shrugged. “We all listen and watch carefully.”

Her simple statement alarmed Carrie. She had wanted Rose, even
expected
her, to deny there was any reason for concern. “Are you really afraid?”

Rose turned to look at her. “Every day,” she admitted. Her beautiful face tightened with a frown. “I abhor feeling this way, but it’s the only way I know to take care of everyone. I feel if I relax for even one minute that somebody might sneak past my guard and harm those I love.” Her voice was a mixture of bitterness and pain.

“Robert told me about the latest incident at the school.” Carrie was horrified by the fear she saw shining from Rose’s eyes. She had so hoped the end of slavery would mean the end of this kind of terror.

Rose sighed. “Talking about it won’t change it. Just for tonight I’m going to pretend all is well because my best friend is back where she belongs.”

Carrie stared at her. “Is this
really
where I belong?” Her heart surged with longing and hope at the same time her mind protested what she was thinking.

Rose stopped walking and turned to look at her. “Talk to me, Carrie. What is going on?”

Carrie sighed. She was growing weary of telling her story, but Rose deserved to hear it all. She pushed sleep from her mind as she filled her best friend in on all that had happened.

“Well…” Rose murmured when she finished. “That’s a lot.”

Carrie laughed. “Leave it to you to encapsulate almost two months of life-changing experiences into three words.” She hooked her arm through Rose’s and kept walking. Just being with her, strolling through the moonlight, made her feel better. Even though she was tired of talking about all that had happened, each time she did it seemed to shave a little more of the heavy weight from the burden.

“You’re not sure you should go back to Philadelphia.”

“Yes,” Carrie admitted, wondering if the moonlight was working some type of enchantment on her. The angst in her heart seemed to lift and disappear.  “I haven’t changed my mind about being a doctor, but for some reason my soul can’t imagine leaving the plantation again right now.”

“Your gut is telling you to stay,” Rose stated calmly.

In the clarifying gleam of the moon, it all seemed so simple. Carrie suddenly realized it was true. No matter what her mind was telling her, her instincts were telling her to stay.  She drew a quick breath.

“You don’t have to know why, Carrie.”

Carrie stopped again and swung Rose around to face her. She inspected her friend’s eyes in the light of the moon, envying the peace she saw radiating there now. “How can you say that? All I’ve ever wanted to do was be a doctor. Now I’m walking away. I want to know
why
.”

Rose shrugged, a smile playing across her lips. “And I’m saying you don’t have to know why. I’ve learned God works in very mysterious ways. I couldn’t believe I was coming back to the plantation after the war. I thought it was going to keep me from accomplishing what I was meant to do.”

“And you don’t feel that way anymore?” As much as Carrie’s heart was urging her to stay, her mind was shouting at her that she could be making a decision that would be fatal to her future.

“No,” Rose answered. “I wouldn’t have been able to say goodbye to Sam if I had left. I wouldn’t be a mother to Felicia. I wouldn’t have seen Perry and Louisa change before my eyes, and I wouldn’t have the joy of watching John ride out into the fields with his daddy every day.” She took a breath. “Even though I’m frightened, I love teaching my students. I realize if I had left when I wanted to, that I would have missed so much that is actually preparing me for the future. I don’t know what is going to happen between now and next spring, but I’m quite certain I don’t want to miss any of it.”

“Well…” Carrie murmured, struck by the intense certainty in Rose’s eyes. “That’s a lot.”

Rose laughed and tightly gripped Carrie’s hand. “You don’t have to know why, Carrie. You simply have to listen to God the best you can and follow your heart. At some point in time you will understand, but you can’t expect to understand when you
make
your decision.”

Carrie turned her eyes up to gaze at the moon, wishing a shooting star would streak across the sky as a sign. The few glimmering stars bright enough to be seen in the moonlit sky remained stubbornly in place. She sighed and lowered her head. “And what if I’m wrong?”

“Then you’re wrong,” Rose replied.

“But…”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Carrie,” Rose said in an exasperated voice. “We’re going to make decisions for the rest of our lives without knowing if they are right or wrong. All we can do is make the very best decision we can at the moment and then live with the consequences that come from it.”

Carrie stared at her. “Your mama…”

“What’s my mama got to do with this?” Rose asked in a puzzled voice.

“Nothing.” Carrie chuckled. “You sound just like your mama. There have been other times when you repeated things your mama said, but this is different. You were speaking with your own words, but you sounded just like your mama."

Rose smiled. “Nothing could make me happier. I doubt I’ll ever be as wise as that woman, but I sure hope I come close some day.”

“I think that day is coming sooner than you think,” Carrie said, staring at her with admiration.

Rose smiled again but remained silent. The two friends walked on through the night, their frosty breath weaving a white mist that floated up to the sky.

Carrie gasped as the moon began to reflect off dancing crystals on the ground, grasses, and remaining flowers. “The first frost of the year,” she whispered, not wanting to break the reverent feeling the silence had wrapped around her.

“Just in time for the Harvest Celebration,” Rose whispered back, her eyes gleaming with delight.

Carrie stood and watched as the glistening frost seemed to float down from the sky to lay glittering diamonds on everything it touched. She was always sad at the end of harvest when the fields lay bare and empty, but the shining frost beckoned her forward. She caught her breath as she realized she was being pulled into a new season of her life. It was impossible for her to understand why she was supposed to stay on the plantation, but the peace that claimed her heart as soon as she uttered the words said she was making the right decision.

“I don’t have to know why,” she whispered.

Rose remained silent but reached down to grip her hand. Carrie had lost track of time when Rose finally let go. The beauty of her world glistening beneath the moon while honking geese split the sky with their V formations had her mesmerized.

“We should go back,” Rose said reluctantly. “The others are probably already worrying.”

Carrie was loath to leave the magical night, but they still had a long walk home. “All right,” she sighed as she began to retrace their steps.

“So are you going to tell me what else is bothering you?” Rose asked.

Carrie blinked. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” So much peace was pulsing through her heart that she honestly couldn’t feel anything else.

Rose grunted. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice how you tensed up when you saw Robert playing with John and Jasper?”

Carrie felt her newfound peace evaporate. “I had hoped you wouldn’t,” she admitted. She truly didn’t know how to talk about her suspicions. More accurately, her fears.

Rose remained silent.

Carrie struggled with what to actually say, but she also felt a hint of relief that Rose was pushing her to give words to the thing that had sat tightly in her heart for months. “Robert was very sick after the war,” she began, her words slow and halting. “He had a high fever for a long time.”

“I remember.”

“No one knows for sure what a high fever for that long can do,” Carrie continued. She fell silent, suddenly unable to voice the fear she had been trying to ignore.

“You’re afraid Robert can’t produce children,” Rose said gently.

“I don’t know anything,” Carrie cried. Hearing the words spoken out loud was suddenly more than she could bear. “I could be completely wrong!”

Rose stopped and turned Carrie to face her. “But that is what you are afraid of?”

Carrie stared into her eyes for several moments before she nodded. “Yes. That is what I’m afraid of.” She had hoped saying the words would offer some reprieve from the haunting suspicions, but they seemed to only mold them more firmly in her heart where they now lay like a sodden weight. “I never thought much about children,” she admitted. “I knew I wanted them someday, but medical school was always what pulled me forward.”

“And it had to be one or the other?” Rose asked.

“I thought so,” Carrie murmured. “Until I met several women at school who had children. They came to medical school anyway. They decided the two years away from their children wouldn’t harm them, and they hoped their decision to become doctors would encourage their children to follow their own desires.”

“Have you been trying?” Rose asked.

Carrie hesitated again. She suspected she should be talking to Robert about this, but she couldn’t imagine voicing words that might make him feel less adequate as a man. “He was so wonderful with John and Jasper tonight,” she whispered.

“He is all the time,” Rose responded. “He would be a fabulous father.”

The simple statement tightened the band around Carrie’s heart so strongly she feared she would explode. “I know,” she groaned.

“And you would be a wonderful mother,” Rose said.

Carrie nodded. “I would like to think so…” Her voice trailed off. “I’m not sure I’ll ever get the chance to find out. We have been trying,” she admitted, unable to stop the rush of tears.

“You certainly couldn’t have had much time to try,” Rose replied, her concerned voice laced with amusement. “You’re not here very much.”

Carrie knew Rose was teasing, but the words sliced her heart into ribbons. The tears pooling in her eyes began to stream down her face.

“Carrie! I’m so sorry,” Rose cried. “That was a terrible thing to say!”

Carrie shook her head. “It’s the truth,” she managed. Then she felt a surge of hope. “Maybe that’s one of the reasons I feel I have to stay. Perhaps if I am here more, Robert and I will be able to conceive a child.” Speaking the words planted a fragile seed of belief in her heart.

“I hope so,” Rose whispered.

Carrie thought back to the afternoon’s passion by the river.
Perhaps…

Carrie could feel the excitement in the air when she stumbled downstairs the next morning. When she pushed through the kitchen door, Annie held out a steaming cup of coffee without a word. “Thank you,” she mumbled, sighing with relief as she sipped the hot brew.

“You and Rose talk out everything you needed to?” Annie asked as she began to scoop a tray full of perfectly browned biscuits into a large wooden bowl.

Carrie nodded, quite sure she couldn’t form coherent words yet.

Annie finished the tray and then stepped back to look at her, one sturdy fist planted on her hip. “You don’t look much like a woman who gonna ride in that tournament this afternoon,” she scolded.

Carrie gasped as she sucked in too much hot coffee. Coughing, she reached for a glass of water. Once she had cooled her throat and mouth she stared at Annie. “How do you know?”