Shifted Perceptions (Alpha Division) (17 page)

Chapter 32

First Journal Entry
– Day 4

I’ve never kept a journal before.
Well, this isn’t really a journal, just a notebook I found lying around. Nothing was written in it, so I’m assuming it’s okay that I use it. Stone and I don’t speak much, so I hadn’t asked.

I help him fix meals and we eat at the same table.
I haven’t asked him a single question about the organization. The mission is over for me. I just want some peace and quiet right now, and I think Stone understands that.

I spend most of my days looking out the window, sitting on the deck looking out at that same view, or trying to sleep. I haven’t made any progress there. I haven’t slept more than an hour at a time.
Every time I close my eyes, the nightmare haunts me.

I woke up here four
days ago and Stone hasn’t asked me when or if I’m leaving, and I haven’t said either. I need time. Time to heal inside enough to start thinking about where to go. I’m no longer welcome at home, that I’m sure of. And if I did go home, I’d probably be up on charges through the Division. I don’t think they’d kill me, but I would be booted out all the same. That doesn’t bother me much. But what I cannot bear is the way they will look at me. They’re no longer my boys.

I don’t know what else to write.
Part of me wants to talk about him. But I can’t. Not yet.

-T

Chapter 3
3

Journal Entry – Day
8

I wasn’
t much use of anything yesterday. I spent the day in bed, sleeping on and off. The nightmare continues. I screamed aloud once and Stone had to come into the room and wake me. Not sure that was such a good idea. Once he got me calmed down, I took one look at his face and winced. It wasn’t pretty. I guess I can fight hard even in sleep.

I’ve been thinking I need to leave soon. I can keep pretending that I have no where else to go, but I’m a grown woman, I can manage. I just don’t want to. I know I’m weak. There was a time that
knowing that about myself would have pissed me off, but now... I’m just tired.

I miss him.

-T

Chapter 34

Journal Entry – Day 12

S
tone yelled at me today. He says I’m moping too much and I need to get out more. Or maybe he meant I needed to get out of his house for good. Either way, he was right.

I f
ought back a little. I know it wasn’t even close to how I used to be, but for a moment, I felt alive again. I guess that was the reason for what happened next. We ended up on the bed, kissing... and other things. At first, I thought it was a perfect way to get my mind off everything, to not think for a few stolen moments in time. But in the end, I couldn’t go through with it. As soon as his fingers went under the elastic of my sweat pants, I pushed him away. He was confused at first, I think, but he caught up fast. He wasn’t mad either, which only made me feel worse.

The nightm
are continues, never changing, but I haven’t woken up screaming again. That’s a bonus.

I haven’t mentioned this before, but it’s been
more than a week, almost two, and I still haven’t cried. Does that make me a bitch?

I hate myself. The hate is so deep, I can’t even look in the mirror. What would he say if he saw me right now? I don’t know. Probably something that would piss me off.

I miss him.

-
T

Chapter 35

Journal Entry – Day 15

I’ve made a decision. It’s time for me to go. And not
just to hide somewhere else. I need to turn myself in. I had prided myself once on being a good soldier, and a soldier doesn’t run from his mistakes.

I’m not sure what will happen, but I do know my time with Stone has come to an end. I’ll probably never see him again
, and that’s fine with me. I don’t love Stone and he doesn’t love me. He’s a good looking man. More than that. But my attraction to him has even begun to wane.

I’ll never forget him, though. He’s been good to me, helped me more than he knows. He gave me sanctuary and space. And didn’t ask any questions. Hopefully
, he’ll turn his life around, but if he goes back into the organization, at least I won’t be the one to take him out.

I made myself say his name today. Paul. It hurt, but I still didn’t cry.
It’s like when you cut yourself so deep, you don’t even feel it. That’s when you know you need stitches. It feels like the same thing. My wound is so deep, the numbness has embedded itself into my soul. Where do you find stitches for that?

I loved him.

-T

Chapter 36

The day had come. I stuffed the little clothing  I had into a duffle bag Stone gave me. He’d generously gone out the day after I’d awaken and bought me a few things–T-shirts, a couple pairs of yoga pants, socks, underwear, and a pair of tennis shoes. Everything was plain and comfortable and suited me just fine. He hadn’t needed to do that, and I was grateful. He even remembered toiletries. I had not been in the right frame of mind to think of those necessities at the time.

Once the bag was full of everything I wasn’t wearing, I zipped it up, just as the doorbell rang. I glanced up at the empty room, my brows furrowed, as a small tingle of fear licked up my spine. No one had stopped by before...

I had the gun Stone gave me sitting on the bed
next to my bag and I picked it up before making my way slowly out of the bedroom. I heard voices, but they were low and indistinguishable.

The bedroom I’
d stayed in was down a short hallway off of the living room. The front door entered into that living room, so when I reached the end of the hall, I flattened my back against the wall, then peeked slowly around the corner.

Stone was talking to someone, but I couldn’t see them
, as they still stood too close to the entrance. Instead of stepping further out, I listened closely, hoping to pick something up.

“She’s st
ill here. You came just in time, I’ll go get her,” Stone murmured and I stiffened. Had he turned on me? After all this time? Why now?

“I’ll wait,” The man Stone was speaking to said and my jaw clenched with anger.

I was around the corner in a heartbeat, gun drawn, aimed at the interloper. “You dare come here?” I cried out, shocking both of them.

They turned to me, their eye
s wide. “Shift now!” I yelled at the imposter. “Shift back now!”

“No, Terry, I’m not who you think I am.”

“Liar! You’re a fraud!”

“No, I’m not. It’s me,
Terry. It’s me, Paul.”

“LIAR!” I screamed, my gun shaking
in my outstretched hands. “I saw you die! I killed you!”

I saw Stone tense. I
hadn’t told him that part, but I had no time to explain things to him. Cassandra had just done the vilest thing I could possibly think of, posing as the man I loved.

“I promise, it’s me. It was Cassandra that you killed in that battle, Terry. Not me.”

I heard his words, but I couldn’t believe them.

“It’s true, Foxy,” Stone said, but
I ignored him.

His hair was shorter, buzzed almost to his scalp. The sig
ht made my heart beat impossibly faster. If the last time Cassandra saw him was when his hair was longer, how did she clone this? It could be a trick, I told myself. She could have cut it, just to throw me off.

He called you Terry
,
my mind screamed at me, but I shook my head. Impossible!

My
gaze took in his expression. His dark eyes were the same, still deep, still powerful. Yet dark circles lay underneath, making his face look hollow and tired.

Every feature looked just as I remembered, down to the way his tan skin gleamed with a light sheen of sweat. Just like when we made love.

“Is it really you?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes.”

“I don’t know,” I shook my head rapidly. “I don’t know what to believe. I saw you die.” And even though his scent called to me, I was too scared to believe.

“Come here,
Foxy,” his voice, deep and demanding, challenged me to obey. I stilled, my breath catching in my throat before I launched myself at him with a gasp.

His arm
s wrapped around me, crushing me into his solid warmth, and then it happened. I cried. I sobbed with more force than I’d ever done in my life.

The gun was taken from my hand and I grabbed fistfuls of
his shirt, as my tears soaked the front of his chest.

“Shh,” he whispered in my ear and I felt the
hitch in his chest, as he began to cry with me.

Paul was alive.

Chapter 37

I’d never been a bumbling mess before, so it was definitely a new experience for me as I sobbed my goodbye to Stone
. He kissed me lightly on the lips, the look in his eyes telling me he understood this was a permanent parting. He wasn’t just anyone, though. He may have been part of a mission, but he’d become so much more. I’d miss him, but not as much as I had missed Paul, and that meant a great deal. I could only hope Stone found a way out of that organization. Or maybe he already had. He’d been there for me, never taking off, so I came to the conclusion he was hiding out as much as I.

I
climbed into the car with Paul and once I calmed myself, I began asking questions. “What happened?”

“It was a
s I told you. Cassandra had shown up, looking like me and that’s who you shot. Had you stayed around, you would have seen that. Her form shifted back as soon as she fell.” His tone sounded slightly accusatory and I frowned.

“I didn’t run away, I was attacked. We rolled down
the mountain and then I was drugged and knocked unconscious.”

“I know, Stone told me, but I wish you wouldn’t have stayed with him.”

“I thought you were dead! I saw the look in their eyes, Paul. I was no longer a part of a team. I thought I’d lost everything.”

I swallow down another sob
, as Paul reached for my hand. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but I’ve been looking for you for over two weeks now. The whole Division has, and it’s been tiring and frustrating,” he sighed. “I thought you were dead too. I spent a lot of time in my jaguar form, hoping to catch you. But you never answered me. When was the last time you shifted?”

“I
don’t remember... um, the day of the attack? When I woke up, I had to heal some injuries.”

“And that’s it?”

“Yeah...”

We were quiet after that, driving for miles, holding on
to each other. Even though it was only his hand, I couldn’t let go and I couldn’t stop looking at him either. I spent an hour staring at him. His nose, I had thought was straight, but as I took in every feature I realized that it turned down just slightly at the tip. And his eyelashes, they were so long.

Then I became
fascinated with his eyes. I usually just called them dark. At a glance that’s all you see. But as the sun and the shadows faded in and out of the car, I saw so much more. The ring around his iris was the color of coal, then a deep walnut  followed by a starburst of reddish chestnut, before turning black again at the pupil.

He never complained as I stared at him. He glanced at me a few times and I would smile, but he never returned the gesture. Had too much time passed? Had I lost him again?

An hour into our drive, we pulled into a hotel and I sighed. Maybe my fears were just that. Only fears. Silly worries now that I could admit to my feelings.

After
Paul paid for the room, I followed him in. It was similar to the one we stayed at in Cedar Hill, just a common hotel room – bed, dresser, T.V., bathroom. Paul stood staring at me as I took in the room, but all I really was doing was stalling.

When I got the courage to look at him, I wished I hadn’t. Though I was ecstatic to see him, have him here again, happiness was not the word I would have described Paul’s expression. More like cold and unfeeling.

I swallowed hard and opened my mouth to ask him what was wrong, when he interrupted. “Go take a shower.”

My back went rigid
, as I glared at him. “Excuse me? I don’t need a shower, I took one this morning.” Asshole, I added silently.

Paul’s frustrated sigh mixed with a chuckle
, confusing me even more. The small growl slipped out before I could stop it. It only made him laugh harder.

“What the hell is
so funny?” I asked crossly.

He smiled
, before crossing the small distance between us and leaning down to kiss me lightly on the lips. “I miss you is all,” he said, shaking his head before sobering. “ I asked you to shower, because we’ve been closed up in a small space for over an hour, and I can’t take you smelling like him any longer. The drive is too long, I’d go crazy by the time we made it home.”

My shoulder
s sagged, “I didn’t sleep with him, Paul,” I said, but I couldn’t look him in the eye, remembering that close call.

“
You know that I wouldn’t be angry if you did, so why the guilty look?”

“I almost slept with him once, but I stopped it before we could get too carried away. I couldn’t go through with it.”

Paul lifted my chin until our gazes connected. His filled with understanding and I relaxed. “It’s okay, Terry. I’m not going to say that I’m not pleased to hear you couldn’t go through with it, but I wouldn’t judge either. I just want you to shower, get him completely erased. You might not have had sex, but you lived with the guy for over two weeks. You reek.” We both chuckled and I nodded, kissing him softly before heading to the bathroom.

Once showered and wrapped in the scratchy bath towel that you seemed to only find in hotels, I joined Paul.

“I didn’t bring my bag in and I figured it would defeat the purpose if I put my old clothes back on,” I told him.

“That’s okay, come sit down,” he replied, patting the bed next to where he sat.

I walked past him and sat down, smiling, as he looked at me. Too quick to see, he was suddenly over me, pulling one of my hands above my head. I heard the click and tugged my hand before closing my eyes with a curse.

Paul sat up and looked at me
, as I lay there, one hand immobile against the headboard. “Handcuffs, seriously?” I seethed. “If you wanted to get kinky, you could of asked first.” But something told me this wasn’t about sex.

“I wanted to make sure you didn’t run,” he said seriously and I growled, pulling my hand hard. I heard the crack in the wood and grinned.

“I know you can get out of it if you really wanted to,” he acknowledged, “but it’ll also slow you down if you decide to bolt.”

Blowing out a breath, I rolled my eyes and waited impatiently for him to start talking about something that made sense.

“Let’s start with that.”

“What?” I asked, my tone sharp.

“Why
do
you run?”

“Run from what? When?”

His expression told me I was being purposely obtuse. Maybe I was, I shrugged.

“
For example,” he said slowly with a look that said I might get it later for being so stubborn. “Hiding out with Stone these past weeks. Why? Why not go back to the Division, seek your family, help comfort them, as they could have you?”

I shook my head, exasperated that he hadn’t listened to me. “I told you. I saw the way they looked at me. I was scum on the bottom of their shoe
s, or worse. I didn’t want to face it...” My body slumped against the mattress, the memory exhausted me. “I couldn’t face their disappointment, their hatred. I hated myself enough.”

I look
ed up at Paul, to see his brow furrowed as he listened. “I planned to go back, though,” I continued. “I was leaving when you came. I knew I needed to face the consequences of my actions, fully prepared to be exiled from the Division.”

Without a word, Paul began unwrapping my towel. I began to protest, then shrugged it off. How many times had he seen me naked. I didn’t really care anymore, though I was confused. This wasn’t really the time.

Once he revealed my naked skin, he slid the towel out from under me and threw it to the side, before grabbing my gaze with his own. Then he purposely, leisurely, looked down my body, taking a tour of every curve. My nipples puckered, and my sex clenched. Oh God, I hoped we were done talking.

His eyes rested on my hip and stayed there, making me squirm. A single finger began tracing the curling black lines tattooed on my skin
. I shifted to the side, hoping he’d get the point and move on, but of course he didn’t.

“Why did you get this tattoo?” He asked, surprising me.

“I don’t know...”

He raised an eyebrow, “In the past
, you have complained, rolled your eyes, and huffed at the nickname Foxy, and yet you have it tattooed forever on your skin. Why is that?”

I stared at him, my lips tightly pressed together
, as I shook my head and shrugged.

“I think it’s because you love it. You love that they gave you a nickname. You love those
men and they love you, and this...” He traced the tattoo with his finger again and I jerked. “This proves it to you.”

“Fine! Yes, it does! Are you happy?” I blew out a breath and held myself back from kicking him off the bed. “I never had a nickname before and to me it means they care about me. And I do love them. They’re my family, I've told you that!”

“Then why did you run?”

“Because... Because...” I was breathing hard and my eyes stung, but I did my best to hold back the tears. Too many tears had run from my eyes that day. No more.

“It’s okay, Terry,” Paul soothed, reaching up to rub his hand across my cheek. I leaned into him and closed my eyes.

“Because I was scared,” I whispered. Paul laid down and wrapped his arms around me
, and I let it all go. “I’ve fucked up time and time again lately, disappointing them all. I just couldn’t face them. I know it was cowardice, I know! But, they had to have hated me. I would have hated me. I did hate me. And I love them and I just couldn’t... I couldn’t see that in their eyes.”

“They’re you
r family, remember? They would have forgiven you.”

“Would they?” I asked. “I had that once, you know?”

“What?”

“A family. I thought my parents walked on water.
My mom stayed at home and my dad was the chief of police, very middle class. I loved them so much and I thought they loved me,” I sighed with regret. “But I was wrong.”

“Tell me,” he whispered, pulling me tighter against his chest. The
cuffs rattled above me as I scooted back, even closer.

“When I was about seventeen, they invited a boy I knew to dinner, along with his family. I went to school with
Michael, but we weren’t friends. I always thought he was too much of an asshole, a player. Treated the girls like crap. So, when I came down for dinner, I was shocked, but I played it cool. As our parents talked about town business, I zoned out as usual, until I heard the word wedding.

“I remember snapping my head up to see
Michael grinning at me. It looked innocent enough, but his eyes were...” I shivered at the memory. “It was a warning that I wished I’d headed. I wished I would have run right then, but instead, I asked what was going on. Come to find out, they were marrying me off.”

“An arranged marriage?” Paul asked, his voice incredulous. “In this day and age?”

I nodded yes. “It was political. Michael’s dad was in office, a senator. My dad needed more friends in high places and according to them, he was a nice, rich, fox shifter that could take care of me.

“I fought them, but I wasn’t used to having to fight with my parents and I gave
in too quickly. My dad said he needed me and I caved. The worst mistake of my life.” I closed my eyes, not wanting to go any further and knowing I had to.

“So
, you were married?” Paul asked.

“Wel
l, to make a long story short, no. But we did date, sort of. Our parents thought we should get to know one another before the wedding. Good idea in principle, I guess. Only he was more than an asshole. He was a lunatic.

“
The third time I came home with bruises, my dad acted pissed, but he still didn’t call off the wedding. I was so heartbroken that he cared so little, I decided it was about time to stand up for myself and I went to see Michael, tell him it was over. I wouldn’t marry him.

“He beat the shit out of me,” I stated
, pressing myself firmer into Paul’s warm body, as his chest rumbled and the growl slipped out slowly between his teeth. “But I fought back,” I told him, not sure if I was reassuring him or myself that it was all over.

“I don’t know how I did it, but I remember that sometime between the punches
, I finally punched back. That of course pissed him off and he pulled his knife.

“I wasn’t stupid, so I turned and ran
, or more like stumbled away. He caught up with me in the kitchen of his parents home. Now thinking back, I don’t know if I ran to that room on purpose or not, but the first thing I did was grab the biggest damn knife I could find in the butcher block. I didn’t hesitate.”

“You killed him.” Not a question.

“Yes. I stabbed him in the chest. Straight through the heart.

“I
made my way home, bloody, bruised, even had a few broken bones and when my dad saw me, he was so shocked he stood frozen in the entry way, didn’t even let me in the house. Like I was some stranger.

“I told him everything while I cried and shivered on the porch. He cursed, told me I ruined everything and said he had to arrest me for murder.
”