Shifting Gears (Crossroads Series Book 2) (22 page)

“I love you,” he heard Bryce say softly in the background. The words were like a pebble thrown into a lake. They made small waves, little echoes that floated out and into Landon, making him wonder if that’s what he felt for Rod.

Before he could say anything, or do anything, not that he knew what he would say or do, Rod stood up, putting on that sham of a smile he wore when he didn’t really feel it. “Bryce is fucking amazing. Nick is fucking amazing. Anyone who doesn’t see it doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Oh, and me. I’m pretty amazing too.”

“Hey! What about me?” Landon asked. “Everyone is amazing except for me?” He tried to lighten the mood because he knew that was what Rod needed right now. Later he would get the man to talk to him, though.

Rod winked at him. “You’re all right.”

Somehow, all right was exactly what he needed.

***

Rod couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so much. They’d cooked, eaten, talked, played a couple games of poker, and now as the sun was going down, he sat on Landon’s lap in one of the outside chairs while they visited some more with Nick and Bryce.

“You should have seen Nick’s face the first time they came into the store,” Rod told Landon as Nick gave him the evil eye from across the table.

“I don’t think he needs details,” Nick said before Bryce continued.

“I think he does need details.”

“I thought he was going to run out. Either run away or vomit all over himself.” Rod told Landon who laughed with his arms around Rod’s waist. It was such a foreign feeling, having someone hold him as he sat with friends. Rod wanted to savor all of it. He didn’t want it to go away.

“Can you blame me? The way Bryce just spit it out like that? He told the whole store about our sex life.” Rod could tell that Nick tried to sound frustrated, but really he didn’t mind the conversation.

“I told Rod about our sex life, and his shirt told me to.” Bryce responded.

“Huh? His shirt told you to?” Landon sat up straighter, pulling Rod closer against him.

“His shirt said
Ask me about my favorite products.
Considering we were new to the whole thing, and were in need of some products to help us out, I thought it was a good idea. You should have something like that at Rods-N-Ends. I liked it.”

“Hmm… I’ll see what I can think of. It sparked some really interesting conversations, and even got me a phone number or two.” The second the words slipped past Rod’s lips, he’d wished he’d swallowed them down, because the truth was, he didn’t want anyone else’s phone number. Not now. Now while he had Landon.

“Hey,” Landon nipped the back of his neck and Rod shivered. That drove him fucking wild, feeling Landon’s teeth against his skin.

“Not that I want any phone numbers. Wow, that’s the first time I’ve said something like that.”

“Crazy, isn’t it?” Bryce asked. “Threw me for a fucking loop when I fell in love with Nick and realized I wouldn’t ever want anyone but him.”

Rod’s heartbeat stumbled at the word love. Landon wasn’t in love with him and he wasn’t in love with Landon. Landon couldn’t be in love with him. They’d only recently decided to date. Hell, Rod had practically had to bribe the man to get him into bed in the beginning.

“My how the tables have turned. Who looks like they’re going to vomit all over themselves now?” Nick asked.

“Aww, I’m crushed,” Landon said playfully. “The thought of me makes you sick?”

Nothing about Landon made him sick, and the truth was, not wanting phone numbers felt okay too.

“Don’t worry, Landon. You’ll wear him down eventually. I did with Nick,” Bryce teased.

“I’m working on it,” Landon replied, and Rod sat there dumbstruck yet again by Landon Harrison.

“I need to throw in a load of laundry. Do you want me to wash anything for you?” Rod asked when they got home late that night. He’d forgotten to wash any of his work clothes before they left earlier today.

Landon came around the corner to their room—shit, Rod’s room and replied, “Yeah, I’ll gather up a few things. Colors or whites?”

“Does it matter?”

“What?” Landon’s dark eyes held a spark of surprise. “Yes, it matters. You wash your colors with your whites?”

“Doesn’t everyone?” His father had never taught him to separate his laundry before doing it. He’d heard people talk about it, but thought it was one of those things people spoke about but didn’t really happen.

“You’re crazy. Sit down on the bed. I’ll take care of the laundry.”

Rod sat and Landon went to the pile of clothes in the corner of the room. He began making different stacks, splitting the piles between dark colors, whites, and light colors. “How old were you when you lost your mom?” Landon didn’t look at him, just continued to toss clothes into different piles.

Ah hell. Were they really going to do this? He preferred staying in the present. The past wasn’t his favorite place to be. “Eight. Nick and Bryce are great, aren’t they?”

Landon glanced at him then and frowned. “They are. Not sure how we got from your mom to Nick and Bryce.”

“How did we get from laundry to my mom?” Rod countered, and Landon sighed. He was upsetting Landon, he realized that, but he wasn’t sure he could do anything about it right now.

Landon began working with the clothes again. They were washing their clothes together—Landon’s mixed with Rod’s. He wasn’t sure why that hit him like a ton of bricks all of a sudden, but it did.

“Let me in, Rod. We’re friends first and foremost. But we’re also lovers. I spend ninety percent of my time with you, my nights in your bed. This is new for me too, but I’m here, I’m trying. I’m not running or hiding. Let me in.”

Landon spoke the truth. Rod knew that. He also knew that Landon deserved more than he gave him. Hell, he deserved more than Rod all together. Still, anger lit a fire inside of him. “You’re in. You’ve been in every fucking night! I just don’t see why we can’t leave the past in the past.”

“Because you don’t leave it there!” Landon’s voice vibrated loudly through the room, as he repeated, “You don’t leave it there. You may think you do, but you don’t, Rod. It affects you. It affects us, and you turn everything we talk about into sex every damn time.” Landon dropped Rod’s work shirt from his hand. He was pissed. The anger blazed in his eyes, in the sound of his voice…. And there, inside Rod was this ache, this desire to open himself up to Landon. To tell him how much he hurt, and how fucking scared he really was every damn day of his life.

He didn’t think he could do that though.

“What do you want me to do? Tell you that every fucking day from fourteen until I left home, my father looked at me with hate in his eyes? That I disgusted him, and that he had no problem telling me? That the older I got, the worse it got? That he told me he was glad my mother died so I couldn’t break her heart? I was a disgrace, Landon. A faggot, a queer. I wanted to wear makeup for God’s sake! There had to be something wrong with me!”

He sucked in a deep breath, knew he should stop, but didn’t. “He said I would never feel love and no one would ever love me because I was wrong and sinful. I was dirty, especially when I started fucking, because yeah, I’m an asshole and I didn’t hide it from him. He knew when I let men use me and he knew I fucking loved it, so yeah, he was right in some ways. I like being dirty. I like fucking. No amount of talk and dragging up the past is going to change that.”

Now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop. Memories built in his head, water in a tub filling higher and higher until it spilled over.

Rod shoved to his feet. “I was so fucking scared when I realized who I was, Landon. Scared and confused. I needed him. I needed my father. I thought he could fix it, or that he would tell me that the mixed up feelings going on inside me were okay. I was fourteen years old, a fucking kid, and I spilled my goddamned guts to him. With tears pouring down my face I told him what I was feeling, begged for him to tell me it was okay, and he pushed me away. Told me that as long as that’s who I was, that I would never be okay. There would always be something wrong with me, and I wasn’t a son of his. I haven’t depended on anyone since that day. I haven’t needed anyone since that day. I don’t know if I can change that.”

His chest hurt. His gut clenched. He was pushing Landon away. He realized that, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He had to be honest. This was who he was. The sooner Landon realized that, he could be on his way and leave Rod behind.

He waited for Landon to speak. Waited for, and maybe hoped that Landon could somehow make him believe he was wrong. When no words came, Rod took a step, then another, and another. He made it all the way to his bedroom door before Landon’s voice stopped him. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Rod closed his eyes. Sucked in a deep breath…and wished Landon was right.
I can’t…I can’t love you if you’re like this. No one will.
If his own father couldn’t love him, how could anyone else?

“You think wrong.”

He heard him exhale deeply. “Fuck you, Rod. Don’t tell me how I feel. You’re this pulse in my chest that doesn’t go away. Even when I’m not with you, I feel you there. The traces of you are imprinted inside me. Your father was wrong and I’m going to prove it to you.”

Rod couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. He wanted that, Jesus, he fucking wanted it. Even if it couldn’t happen, no one had ever wanted to attempt it before. But Landon did. This gorgeous, sexy, fucking man wanted to try, and he just didn’t understand how that was possible. “Thank you. For this, whatever we are. Whatever happens, thank you for everything.”

“I’m going to prove you wrong, Rod. Maybe it can fix what’s broken inside of me too.”

Rod wanted to be wrong. He’d never wanted anything as much as he wanted to be wrong about this. He turned, and this time the measured steps he took were to Landon. When he reached him, Rod dropped his forehead against the other man’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I was a dick. It’s not easy for me.”

Landon wrapped an arm around him and kissed the top of his head. He’d never known how fucking incredible a kiss to the head could feel. “I know. Hey, my sister’s wedding is in a couple weeks. We want you to go too. I’m going to need a date and since we’re dating…”

“Okay,” Rod said softly, still leaning his forehead against Landon’s shoulder.

Landon pressed another kiss to his hair and then said, “Can I finish showing you how to do laundry the right way now? Seriously, you’re fucking killing me with this shit. My mom would lose her mind if I told her.”

Rod couldn’t help but smile. “Don’t tell her. I think she likes me, and I don’t want to fuck that up.” He pulled away. “Finish. I’m watching. I’ll even take notes.”

They continued separating the clothes and then Landon threw the first load in the washer. Then they stripped and climbed into bed together.

“When I hear things like what you just told me, it makes me feel like my own shit is so fucking petty. He left…so what? But it’s hard.” Landon rolled to his side, and Rod did as well. They lay there facing each other, the pain etched in lines on Landon’s face.

“I hate him. I fucking hate him for what he did. Don’t leave.” Landon’s arms wound tightly around him. “Don’t leave.”

They didn’t part the rest of the night.

The next couple weeks were crazy. Landon was back and forth between work, Rod’s, and helping his mom and Shanen with the wedding.

Weddings were no fucking joke. He didn’t realize how many last minute things there would be to do, and he could see how much it wore on both Shanen and his mom. Especially his mother though. She looked exhausted, with heavy bags under her eyes. She wasn’t sleeping either. The few nights he stayed home, he heard her up doing things halfway through the night.

It worried him. She seemed to be okay though. She was taking her medication. She wasn’t overly stressed. From what he could tell, she was just a mom who wanted the perfect wedding for her only daughter. The marriage she never had herself.

When she made her way into the kitchen, looking half asleep, Landon said, “Maybe you’ve been overdoing it with your group, work, and the wedding. You need a day off. What can I do to help you?”

She waved a hand at him as though he was being ridiculous. “You have to work. What can you do?”

“I can try.” He watched as she took her medication.

“I’m just going to be home most of the day. I’m putting together the centerpieces and a few of the other decorative pieces. I’ll be fine.”

“Is Shan coming over to help?” Landon stood, went to the coffee pot and poured her a cup.

“She’ll be here later this afternoon. She really wants to come, but she has to work. Plus, Jacob’s parents just got back into town. Shanen didn’t say much, but apparently there’s some kind of drama between Jacob and his brother.”

Landon nodded, wondering if there was a way he could call Bryce and take the day off. He didn’t like the slump in his mom’s body, or the tiredness in her voice. “What about Rod? Is it something he could help with? He’s off today. I know he wouldn’t mind giving you a hand.”

His mom looked at him as though she didn’t know him, her eyes pinched and her nose wrinkled…and then an ear-to-ear smile pulled at her mouth.