Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression (29 page)

study of patients
‘Recurrence after Recovery from Major Depressive Disorder During Fifteen Years of Observational Follow-up’, T. Mueller, A. Leon, M. Keller, D. Solomon, J. Endicott, W. Coryell, M. Warshaw and J. Maser,
American Journal of Psychiatry
, July 1999.

an emotional memory
Bruce McEwen is the Alfred E. Mirsky Professor and head of the Harold and Milliken Hatch Laboratory of Neuroendocrinology at the Rockefeller University. McEwen is a major figure in behavioural neuroendocrinology and the roles of steroid hormones in reproductive behaviour, brain development, gene expression in the brain, brain plasticity in adulthood, and the effects of stress on the brain. He is the co-author, with science writer Harold M. Schmeck, Jr, of
The Hostage Brain
, Rockefeller University Press, New York, 1994, and co-author, with science writer Elizabeth N. Lasley, of
The End of Stress as We Know It
, National Academies Press, Washington DC, 2002.

A report
‘High Vitamin B12 Level and Good Treatment Outcome May Be Associated in Major Depressive Disorder’, J. Hintikka, T. Tolmunen, A. Tanskanen, and H. Viinamäki,
BMC Psychiatry
, 2004.

first study
‘Depression and Acupuncture: A Controlled Clinical Trial’, John J. B. Allen, PhD,
Psychiatric Times
, March 2000.

a Buddhist teacher
Jack Kornfield,
The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace
, Rider, London, 2002.

Empirically the amount
interview with Martin Seligman, ‘Eudaemonia, The Good Life’, 23 March 2004,
Edge
magazine.

Beck, Charlotte Joko,
Everyday Zen
(HarperCollins, 1997)

Bradshaw, John,
Healing the Shame That Binds You
(Health Communications, 1991)

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly,
Flow: Psychology of Happiness
(Rider, 1992)

Fromm, Erich,
The Art of Loving
(Thorsons, 1995)

Goleman, Daniel,
Emotional Intelligence
(Bloomsbury, 2004)

Haidt, Jonathan,
The Happiness Hypotheses: Putting Ancient Wisdom to the Test of Modern Science
(Heinemann, 2006)

Jamison, Kay Redfield,
An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
(Picador, 1997)

Jamison, Kay Redfield,
Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide
(Picador, 2001)

Kornfield, Jack,
A Path with Heart
(Rider, 2002)

Kornfield, Jack,
After the Ecstasy, the Laundry
(Rider, 2002)

Manning, Martha,
Undercurrents
(HarperSanFrancisco, 1995)

Martin, Philip,
The Zen Path Through Depression
(HarperSanFrancisco, 1999)

Miller, Alice,
The Drama of Being a Child
(Virago, 1995)

Puri, Dr Basant K., and Hilary Boyd,
The Natural Way to Beat Depression
(Hodder Mobius, 2004)

Ricard, Matthieu,
Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill
(Atlantic Books, 2007)

Ridley, Matt,
The Origins of Virtue
(Penguin, 1997)

Rogers, Carl,
On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy
(Constable, 2004)

Rowe, Dorothy,
Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison
(Routledge, 2003)

Schaef, Anne Wilson,
Escape from Intimacy
(HarperSanFrancisco, 1990)

Seligman, Martin E.,
Authentic Happiness
(Nicholas Brealey, 2003)

Servan-Schreiber, David,
Healing without Freud or Prozac: Natural Approaches to Curing Stress, Anxiety and Depression without Drugs and without Psychoanalysis
(Rodale International Ltd, 2004)

Solomon, Andrew,
The Noonday Demon: An Anatomy of Depression
(Chatto & Windus, 2001)

Styron, William,
Darkness Visible
(Vintage, 2001)

Weintraub, Amy,
Yoga for Depression
(Broadway Books, 2003)

Wolpert, Lewis,
Malignant Sadness: The Anatomy of Depression
(Faber & Faber, 1999)

Wright, Robert,
The Moral Animal
(Abacus, 2004)

This book should be dedicated to all my friends, not just two, but the list would be too long. Thank you all for your love. It is returned, in full. Thank you for being there and for believing in me when I could not do it for myself. It was that, most of all, which pulled me through.

In no particular order, I should like to thank the following for their love and kindness during those dark days. Jasper Conran, Jules and Thomas Hughes Hallett, Maggie Mullen, Emma Turner, Lesley White and Jim Gee, Betty Jackson and David Cohen, Lulu Guinness, Maureen Doherty, Caroline Broadbent, Alastair Blair, Delia and John Rothnie-Jones, Charles Elton, Lucy Heller, Claire Lloyd, Matthew Lauder, Gideon Kopell, Julie Lynn Evans, Aly Brown, Emma Duncan, Nicholas Myers, Mary Sackville-West and Rosie Boycott.

Thank you to my family, who suffered and worried a great deal. Thanks, too, to my brothers, for reading the manuscript of this book, and for suggestions.

My thanks to all at Bloomsbury, but in particular to Alexandra Pringle and Rosemary Davidson, for their faith in me and in this book. Thank you, too, to my editor, Michael Fishwick, for making this book better, for taking endless cigarette breaks with me, and for being as crazy about gardening as I am. When talk of depression became too much, we started on the roses. And to Trâm-Anh Doan, for her tireless patience in seeing the book through.

Thank you to my agent, Pat Kavanagh, for her kindness and support and those odd, whimsical postcards that appear from time to time, which always cheer me up. Most of all, thanks for twenty years of friendship. My European agents at ILA, Sam Edenborough and Nikki Kennedy, were unfailing in their patience and kindness when I could not write and wonderfully encouraging and enthusiastic when this book was finally finished. Thanks, too, to my US agent, Zoe Pagnamenta, for her support and for working so hard on my behalf.

Thank you to Corinna Honan, my editor at the
Daily Telegraph
, who encouraged me to write, even when I couldn’t. And who paid me to write, when I could.

With thanks to my psychiatrist for his unfailing optimism and frankness, and for encouraging me to write this book. When I was fretting that I was no expert, he reassured me that there was no better qualification than experience. My therapist, Elizabeth Hearn, taught me about trust, love and acceptance, and her continuing friendship means a great deal to me.

My yoga teacher, Catherine James, was a constant source of strength and hope, encouraging me to believe that anything is possible, even being able to stand on my head: ‘There is no such word as can’t.’

Thank you to my acupuncturist, Robert Ogilvie, for his compassion and belief in me, and for finally vanquishing the throat monster.

Jonathan Hinde taught me how to keep my mind still and not to attach to my darkest fears. I might have given up were I not so wholly comforted by the sight of a meditation teacher in a suit, tie and bare feet.

My ex-husband, Jonathan Powell, showed me that friendship and affection are not limited by or to marriage. Thank you for that, and for never failing to make me laugh.

Thank you to my husband, Tom Wnek, for complete and enduring love. Until I met you, I did not know such happiness was possible.

Most of all, thank you to my daughter, Molly, whose luminous presence kept me going through the long, dark nights. You are the most constant and the loveliest light. I love you, Moll.