Shopping for a CEO's Fiancee
Read Shopping for a CEO's Fiancee Online
Authors: Julia Kent
Tags: #General Humor, #Coming of Age, #Fiction, #Women's Fiction, #Contemporary Fiction, #Romance, #Humor & Satire, #Humor, #Humorous, #Romantic Comedy, #Literature & Fiction, #Genre Fiction, #General, #Humor & Entertainment, #Contemporary, #BBW Romance, #New Adult & College, #Contemporary Women
Table of Contents
Shopping for a CEO’s Fiancée
Julia Kent
We skipped right over the whole fiancée thing and went straight from girlfriend to wife.
At least, I think that’s what happened. I wake up after my brother’s Vegas wedding reception with my luscious girlfriend in bed with me. We’re both wearing wedding rings.
So is her coworker, Josh.
And our Vegas chauffeur, Geordi.
Who the hell am I married to?
Unraveling this mystery will be as difficult as figuring out why Amanda and I are having panic attacks over the thought of being husband and wife.
Or whoever we’re actually married to.
Oh, ^%$#.
It’s true that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, with one exception:
If she’s my wife, we’ll make it work.
If she’s not?
I’ll make it happen.
Copyright
© 2016 by Julia Kent
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher.
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Praise for Julia Kent
From Authors
“This one has it all: hilarious laughs, a sexy (almost) billionaire and a hint of tears. The best of the series!”
—Celia Kyle,
New York Times
bestselling romantic comedy author
“Julia Kent’s romantic comedies are so funny you’ll snort soda out your nose, so emotionally honest you’ll get misty eyed, and so charming you’ll be back for more. Loved the whole series!”
—Cheri Allan, author of the
Betting on Romance
series
Reader Reviews
“
You can see that he really loves Shannon to the very core of his soul, and it’s beyond interesting to watch how that love can bring a strong, confident, alpha male like Declan to his knees.”
“
Wonderful laugh out loud story of a family that reminds me of my own. I’m a sucker for good ‘how they met’ stories, and this is is by far the most creative. I wholeheartedly recommend you read the series.”
“Every chapter made my heart beat faster in anticipation. Julia Kent once again pulls at our emotions and allows us to fall in love with the characters all over again.… Very well worth my heart palpitations.”
“
If I could describe this book in a word, it would be, ‘EVERYTHING’.
It has everything you want in a romance.
It has those witty and sometimes downright hysterical situations that you can’t help but laugh at.
It has those hot, sexy moments that make a romance book a, well, hot and sexy romance book.
It has all those quirky, fun characters we’ve all come to enjoy through this series.
But better than all that, it has what I loved best about this book: those sweet, tender expressions of love that are written so beautifully and artistically.”
“As an avid reader I have to say there is nothing better than an author that can combine romance and humor. Julia never disappoints, and is one of the best at creating stories that suck you in and keep you laughing.”
Reader Emails
“I just can’t imagine how you come up with this stuff, but am so glad you do!”
“I finally had to write to you and tell you that you are simply one of the most amazing authors. Your humor is perfect. I really do bust out laughing out loud. My family thinks that I am crazy when I do it but I can count on a good read from you especially when it has been a rough day. There hasn’t been a single thing that you have written that I haven’t fallen in love with the characters. They become real and some of your lines have become a part of our family language. Thank you for sharing your amazing gift.”
“Having another fantastic evening as I just finished your latest book and now the fam can go to sleep since the laughing/screaming out loud has stopped... Stomach muscles are sore. Better than sit-ups! :-)”
Acknowledgements
To Elizabeth, who helped me with the historical costume details in the book, and whose tour of the Vokes Theater in Wayland, Massachusetts and discussion and review of parts of this manuscript helped me greatly. I now know the difference between “rise” and “inseam,” and so do Andrew and Vince. ;)
To Kate, whose post on detachable octopus penises in my Facebook group provided a lively little fact in this book.
To my husband, “Clark” Kent, for sparking an exceptionally lively discussion on my Facebook reader group,
Laugh Your Way to Love
, about MATH. Only you, honey. Only
you
could get a bunch of romance readers arguing over exponential vs. factorial combinations.
And to my maternal grandmother, whose love for the 1990s BBC production of
Pride and Prejudice
was infectious. I attended a very high-tech university at the time, and had early access to good Internet search engines. Printing off the rare fan pages about Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle became a hobby for me, and Grandma’s deep appreciation for those pages, and utter delight at the miniseries, has stayed with me as I wrote portions of this book. The image of those VHS tapes in their boxed set, proudly displayed on her television and lovingly re-watched, resting next to the stacks of printouts about the stars, makes me now realize my grandmother was an eighty-something diehard fangirl.
She’s been gone for many, many years, but her love of
Pride and Prejudice
remains in me. I miss you, Grandma. I wish you’d lived to see this book. You were a librarian and instilled a love of reading in me, bringing my five-year-old self with you to alphabetize the library return cards, and letting me re-shelve books, all with an eye toward exposing me to a richer culture through books. You succeeded.
For EFW, who lives on in so many different ways.
Chapter One
Waking up naked with your face between your girlfriend’s legs is the
best
way to start your morning in Vegas.
With your brother screaming at you from the other side of the covers? Not so much.
Amanda’s thighs make great pillows that muffle out my brother bellowing, “What the hell happened in here?” His outrage makes the mattress vibrate, like those beds in seedy motels on television shows. In a pinch, Declan’s yell is worth a quarter. Maybe fifty cents.
I sit up and scream back, “WHAT THE FUCK?”
Because that is a perfect example of executive mastery and grace under pressure.
It’s the morning after my brother’s wedding. I am in my hotel suite here at Litraeon, the Las Vegas Strip resort owned by my company, Anterdec. My girlfriend, Amanda, is with me. We’re both naked. We should be alone.
We’re
not
.
That needs to be rectified.
My head fills with metal shavings masquerading as lightning bolts that run through my veins. I flop back, eyes closed.
The world needs to stop spinning. Now.
I reach for Amanda. Her soft, creamy skin anchors me to the world. She’s mine again. Mine. All mine. She moans, the sound unrecognizable. It’s nothing like the little gasp I elicit during intimate moments. She sounds like Gloria Steinem at a Ted Cruz rally.
If I ignore Declan, he’ll go away. Maybe this is a nightmare.
“ANDREW!”
Nope.
I lift my arm to rub my eyes and ask Declan why the hell he’s barging in on Amanda and me. Who keyed him into my suite? Someone on our security team is getting fired. Besides, it’s the first day of his honeymoon. Doesn’t he have something better to do right now?
Something deep in my core stirs, a discontent that is both familiar and exasperating.
I start to rub my eyes in a weak attempt to wake up and—
Wait. What’s that weight on my left hand?
And when the hell did Declan start to look so much like my dad? My vision clears and there’s Dec, standing next to Shannon, who is watching Amanda with an intensity I’ve only seen in one other woman, ever.
Jessica Coffin.
“Is that a wedding ring on your left hand?” Declan shouts, like I’m Gollum and he’s Sauron. What ring? What the hell is he talking about?
I check my hands. Right hand clear. Left hand—
Uh, oh. How did
that
get there?
Amanda screams. My sister-in-law’s cat, Chuckles, is on the bed. He’s wearing a veterinarian’s surgical cone with the words “WILL SLEEP WITH PUSSY FOR FOOD” written in Sharpie.
The handwriting is familiar.
Too
familiar.
Chuckles claws Amanda, yielding a wild shriek from both. Declan gets the cat off her and she sits up and—
She’s Gollum, too. Yep.
My precious has the Ring.
Amanda starts saying something about a tuba, and then her friend Josh pops up from the floor. He looks like a really whiny ninja with no body fat. He’s fully dressed, fastidiously so.
I clear my throat and start to stand, ready to resume control over this mess. The stirring inside me has taken more breaths and awakens, assessing, observing. Time to exert authority over these people. The cacophony is too much. I can’t take it. They need to do exactly what I tell them, which means
leave
.
I stand.
I’m naked. Damn.
Unlike my brother, I don’t believe in parading my junk for the world to see. Only people with something to prove need to do that.
You know. Like guys who aren’t CEOs of Fortune 500 companies.
I clutch the covers. My stomach twists. I feel like a victim in a Dexter episode, except there’s been a mistake. Amanda’s pinning her head in place with her palms, and a weird ringing fills my head. Josh has his hand in the air, a strange glare of sunlight on—
Oh, shit. A ring.
What the hell
happened
last night?
Rainbows explode all over the other side of the bed. Rainbows and chocolate penises. A chocolate penis the size of a baseball bat is in the hands of a guy wearing a tie-dyed shirt and a head made of rainbow hair.
This is all a dream, right? The rainbow is wearing a wedding ring, but no underwear, and a sudden, cold clarity hits me as I look around the room.
I have a wedding ring.
Amanda has a wedding ring.
Josh has a wedding ring.
Rainbow chocolate-dong-holding dude has a wedding ring.
One of the hallmarks of my moving up the ranks so quickly at Anterdec has been my split-second decision-making ability, and my willingness to take business risks that scare the hell out of anyone else. Puzzle pieces fall in place in seconds when I observe, analyze and act. No wishy-washy wondering.
Intuition kicks in. Judgment is based on the gut. Decisions rest on data points and an ambiguous collection of—
Hold on. Sunlight passes over Amanda’s left hand.
“Who the hell is
she
married to?” I ask Declan, pointing at Amanda. Her skin is so luscious in this morning light. A lovely, healthy glow that reminds me of sunsets on the ocean.
Then I narrow my eyes and realize her breasts are orange.
Day-glo orange. They look like Donald Trump’s face. The nipples are paler than the rest, like eyes.
Shannon’s damn cat pees all over the really nice giant teddy bear I bought Amanda, prances over, and leaps into Declan’s arms. I want to ask how my brother trained the cat to do that, but Amanda’s screaming in my ear.
“Who am
I
married to? What? What kind of question is that?” she snaps. I liked her better when she moaned like Rachel Maddow interviewing the Zodiac Killer at a presidential primary.
