Shrink to Fit (13 page)

Fracture

The
game.

Beep.

The game. Where was she? They had a game to play.

Passed out on the court.

Looked dizzy.

Losing her…

Eating disorder.

Were those voices real?

Leah wanted to yell out that she was fine. Everything was going to be okay. They had a game to win. They had to let her wake up.

“Aggg.” She made a gurgling sound in her throat that didn't sound like anything to her ears.

She opened her eyes and saw a bright white light. No! Was she dead? Was this the white light?

“There she is.” The light was gone. “Leah?”

Leah blinked. “What the hell was that? Am I dead? Is this heaven? What is that smell?”

She heard a scraping noise from the corner of the room. “You're back.” Victoria was by her side in an instant. “Thank God. Thank God.”

“Mama!” Leah started to cry. “What happened? Why am I here? I'm supposed to be playing the game right now. Did we lose?”

“Listen.”

Leah felt something heavy around her middle. She couldn't turn onto her back. “Mama!”

“You broke two ribs.”

“What?” Leah attempted to sit up, but it hurt too much to even breathe.

“You fell on the court and shattered two ribs. You had surgery yesterday.”

“But the game? What happened to the game? There was a scout—”

“Game's over. You lost. Get over it.”

Leah swiveled her head. Who was that? A man in the corner of the room was writing in a chart. He certainly didn't have the bedside manner to be a doctor.

“Mama?”

“We'll talk about it later. Right now we need to get you better.”

“Victoria, don't coddle her. You're part of the problem.”

“Hey! You got something to say to me, you say it to me. Leave my mama outta this—” Leah indignantly placed her elbows underneath her and tried to prop herself on them. Failing, she fell back into the pillow. Her arms just felt so weak. And this heavy cast—how was she going to play with this cast?

“You are a very sick young lady. We need to talk a bit about what you've done to yourself,” the man said, pulling his chair up next to her. “Listen and listen well. I'm Dr. Brendan. Eating-disorder psychologist. You know you're in L.A. when there are more eating-disorder specialists than brain surgeons.”

“I'm fine.” Leah closed her eyes. Her lids felt so heavy. And she was so cold. “Can someone turn up the heat?”

“You've lost so much body fat so quickly that your body isn't able to adjust. That's why you're so cold.” The annoying Dr. Brendan continued talking. “Keep your eyes open. If you sleep again, you might not wake up.”

“That's crap.” Leah forced open her eyes to see him up close. In other circumstances, she would have found him hot, but his sapphire eyes were narrowed with disapproval. Doctors were supposed to be hot and understanding and nice, like the ones on
Grey's Anatomy.
This one was just rude. She wanted a trade.

“It's not crap. You're losing hair and your nails are breaking. Your bones are as brittle as a fifty-year-old's. Your body is shutting down. Look at this.” He held up her wrist. It hung limply, every bone and vein visible through the transparent skin. “This is a dying body.”

“I'm fine. I just need to go home.”

“The E.R. staff put food into you through an IV for the past two days. Do you understand me? You're awake because your body got the nourishment it needed. You would have died if they hadn't force-fed you.”

Food? They were force-feeding her?

“You need treatment. You need to eat. You are not leaving here till we do something about your anorexia. And if I'm not mistaken, by this report of your stomach lining, you're bulimic, too.”

Victoria gasped.

“There is nothing wrong with me!”

“When you start eating on your own, you get to make decisions. Until then, you are going to stay in this room. In that bed. You do not leave the room. You don't even get your shoes or clothes until you start eating again.”

Leah eyed him. She was going to wear this paper gown until she downed a cheeseburger? What kind of stupidity was this? There was nothing wrong with her!

Why wasn't her mother speaking up for her? Why wasn't she telling them what a hit she'd been at the modeling shoot? How everyone loved her.

“We're going to talk every day. You are going to tell me what you've eaten and how you felt. I'm not going to let you turn into your friend Shazan.”

“You're insane.” Leah attempted to sit up again. Barely succeeded. “Everything's fine, okay. Shazan's going to be okay. She opened her eyes. We talked. She's going to go home soon.”

“Leah.” Victoria squeezed her left hand while Dr. Brendan pinched her right.

“Ouch! Quit pinching me!”

“At least you can feel that. Listen to me and listen well. You need to get better. I am not going to release you until you're eating normally again. If that means you stay here for a year, so be it. No friends. No school dances. Certainly no sports. You want that?”

“Stop trying to scare me! There is nothing wrong with me! Look at me. I was in a modeling shoot on Friday. I look great! Everyone says so.” Leah touched her cheekbones. Sharp, clean bones.

“Damn photographers,” Dr. Brendan muttered. “I hate this town. Look, about your friend Shazan.”

“I want to see her. I promised I'd tell her how the game went.”

“Shazan's gone,” Victoria answered for the doctor.

“Home already? She didn't say goodbye.” Leah frowned. That didn't sound like her at all. Shazan would have been here by her side, whispering conspiratorially about how they were going to get out of here, go shopping and get revenge on their ex-loves. She wouldn't just leave. Especially if she knew Leah was trapped here with Dr. McNutty.

“Leah, listen—” Victoria glanced at the doctor.

“She died early this evening. She had another heart attack. In two weeks, that will be you.”

Mommy Dearest

Leah
stared at the macaroni and cheese perched on the edge of her bed. She was not putting that into her body. Not a chance.

Dr. Brendan and Victoria had finally left.

And here she was alone. White padded room. Bed. Socks. Hospital gown. That was it.

Shazan dead? No way. Her friend was going to be an Abercrombie model. She had her whole life ahead of her. They were lying to her. They had to be. Just to scare her. The second she got out of here she would call her friend and they would laugh about this whole stupid incident.

Leah touched the heavy cast. Apparently in a week, they would remove it and just tape the ribs. The break had been bad apparently. The on-call doctor had explained that her bones were brittle from the lack of calcium in her diet and she'd lost most of the fat and muscle in her rib cage, leaving her ribs vulnerable.

Everything had fallen apart so quickly.

They'd lost the game. And the finals. All because of her.

She'd kissed Jay, thinking, yes, this time it was going to happen.

And it hadn't. He hadn't even come to see her yet.

She needed a plan. She had to get her life back. Finally, everything was in place. She was thin. She was on the cover of
Jade
magazine. She could finally be one of the girls she'd envied for so long.

She had to get out of here and away from the crazy doctor and his mac and cheese.

As much as she tried to ignore it, the smell wafted to where she was propped up on three pillows. Rich and creamy. She could practically taste the cheese. And the pasta. She hadn't touched pasta in months.

Leah turned away. Not a bite.

Dr. Brendan was
not
going to blackmail her into eating. She might as well take the fat and inject it into her veins. She'd be back to being two hundred pounds in a week if she did that.

A knock at the door woke her from her stupor.

“You're sitting up.” Victoria closed the door behind her.

“If I don't breathe too hard, it doesn't hurt.” Leah attempted a smile.

“I've never seen you black out before. The whole gym just froze. And Sonoma forfeited the game.”

Leah felt a sinking in her stomach. All because of her. Could she ever show her face again? “What did Coach say?”

“Just to get better, babe.” Victoria sat at the edge of the bed, moving the plate of mac and cheese closer to Leah. “Did you understand what the doctor said? He won't let you out of here until you're well.”

“Mama, come on! You see me. I'm
fine.
I was just dehydrated that day.”

“You are not fine.”

“Mama!”

“I told you before. I saw the signs…but I let you get away with it. I wanted us to be in that damn photo shoot so badly I was willing to sacrifice your health.”

Victoria pressed her palms to her temples. “I should have checked you in here myself when I found those pills. I should have called Shazan's mom. If I had, I wouldn't have had to go to her funeral today.”

Leah stared dully at Victoria. It couldn't be true. Shazan. Full-of-life, beautiful Shazan. The only one that understood.

“Her parents are falling apart. Her mother kept begging her to wake up. Kept telling her all her friends were there to see her and she needed to wake up.” Victoria wiped away a tear. “That could have happened to you if your body hadn't shut down at the game.”

“I don't believe you. She can't be gone—”

“She's
dead,
Leah. You hear me? Dead.” Victoria took a folded piece of paper out of her purse and threw it on Leah's lap.

Leah unfolded the newspaper page. Sonoma High School Cheerleader Dies of Drug Overdose. Funeral to Be Held December 8th.

She silently read the rest of the article.

She's really gone.

Leah felt her breath catch. “Oh, Mama—”

“Don't Mama me. You need to listen to me. Back in the eighties, this disease wasn't known. Back then, if a girl lost that much weight, people would just say, ‘eat and you'll be fine.' I had no one. I had to make the decision that I wanted to live. For myself. For you.” Victoria sighed. “Now there are drugs, treatments, counseling. We'll get you everything you need. But we will fix you.”

“I don't need any of that. I can fix this on my own. I was just dehydrated. That's all.”

“Why are you not touching this food?”

Leah didn't answer. She crumpled the newspaper in her hand.
In two weeks, that will be you.

She couldn't get the doctor's words out of her head.

Two weeks.

“I shouldn't have pressured you into modeling. You were such a perfect little girl. So strong. An amazing future ahead of you. I ruined it. I ruined you.”

Leah stared at her mother, who sobbed uncontrollably. Seeing Victoria lose it like that unnerved her. Was her body really falling apart like that? Was there a chance that she might…die?

“I'm scared,” she said, almost to herself.

“We'll get through this. We will. You will get strong. You will play ball for the Bruins.”

“The modeling? Mama, I'm on the cover—”

“I thought that if you were a successful model without any eating disorders, I would be able to redeem myself. It would mean I wasn't a screwup. I wanted you to become a successful version of me. But I almost killed you.”

“Mama, it wasn't your fault. I did this—” Leah gestured towards her ribs “—to myself. No one forced me.”

Victoria picked up the bowl of mac and cheese. “And no one is going to force you to get well either. You need to decide for yourself.”

Leah stared down at her bare legs and stockinged feet. Those weren't her legs. Those legs would never take her to UCLA to play for the Bruins. “I want to get better.”

Leah opened her mouth and allowed Victoria to place a forkful of macaroni in it.

The Basketball Diaries

Leah
gazed out at the snowflakes dancing outside her windows. She'd been moved out of the psychiatric wing and into a normal room after she'd started eating on her own.

She even had her own clothes back and her mother even had snuck in Espresso Bean for a visit. The purring cat did more for Leah's sadness than anything else. Victoria had promised to bring Beanie back later in the week.

Leah blinked as a snowball hit her window. Wow. Snow in L.A. And early in December at that. Fitting that tonight was the Snow Ball. Shazan would have loved it.

Tears filled her eyes. Nothing would bring her friend back now. She'd never felt so much guilt and remorse. She thought back to the last conversation she and Shazan had had.

I'll get better, I swear.

Knock, knock.

Leah didn't lift her head from the pillow. Jay, the basketball team and the cheerleaders had come to see her in the past month, but the visits had started to taper off. For the past few days, no one had come by. Except for Victoria, who never left except to get coffee and changes of clothes. Leah didn't expect anyone except candy stripers anymore.

Jay's head appeared followed by an enormous gift basket. “‘We're not shy, Wednesday! We're contagious!'”

Addams Family
reference. Leah was in no mood to play.

“Hey.” Leah swiped at her cheek with the back of her hand, surprised. “What are you doing here?” She observed Jay's suit. Black suit, black tie. He looked like a Mafia man. Sexy.

“I was on my way to pick up Jenn for the Snow Ball. I wanted to see you first, though. How's my tie?”

“Terrible. You're such a loser,” Leah deadpanned.

“I've missed you,” Jay said simply, setting the basket down next to Leah. She eyed it. Chocolate bars, peanuts, fruit. All her favorites. “The team sent this. They said to forget about the game and just get better. They need you to kick some real ass next year.”

“I will.” Leah reached for the basket. “Hand me that Snickers bar, will ya?”

“You look great.” He handed her the bar, their hands touching. “Much better than last week.”

Leah pulled her hand away first. “I'm eating on my own. I can't believe I gave up chocolate.” She bit into the chocolatey peanuty goodness. “Heaven.”

“Listen, about what happened—”

Leah shrugged. “I don't want to talk about it.”

“I didn't think you would. You're a great girl, but you know—”

“I get it, we're friends.” She pointedly gestured toward her knee, where his hand was resting.

He removed it quickly.

She didn't get it. But it wasn't going to happen and she wasn't going to lose any more dignity trying. Maybe she would never get over Jay. But she was tired of letting him walk all over her. There was someone out there for her. Someone who loved her for her.

“Yeah.” Jay looked visibly relieved. “So, we're, uh, okay?”

“Definitely. I have plenty of other things to worry about. The game. College. Doing something in Shazan's memory. I don't really have time to obsess over you, if you're worried about that.”

He laughed. Uneasily.

“Cool. By the way, there's some guy in the hall. Says he met you in O.C.”

Leah's head pounded. “Tall, light hair? Tan?”

“Yeah.”

“Let him in.” She crumpled up the Snickers wrapper. “I know him.”

“Okay,” Jay said doubtfully. He went to the door and stuck his head out. “Hey! You can come in.”

Cillian appeared, arms full of flowers. Tan and gorgeous as ever. “I hope it's okay I'm here. Your mom said—”

“What are you doing here?” Leah scowled at him. Last time she'd seen him, he was pawing at her mother's model friend.

“I saw this.” Cillian laid an advance copy of
Jade
magazine onto Leah's lap. “And I knew something was wrong. When I asked Alfreddo, he said you were in the hospital.”

Leah glanced down at the magazine. She was on the cover! But she looked so strange. All angles and light. That wasn't her face. Where were her lush eyelashes and flushed cheeks? This girl had dead eyes and razored cheekbones. She looked…old! Much older than herself. And tired. She didn't look like that in real life. Did she?

“You were so beautiful in O.C. What happened to you? Why did you do this?”

“Because you wanted it.”

“I did not!”

“I was an idiot. I was trying to be something I wasn't.”

Cillian laid a hand on hers. “I'm sorry. What happened? How did you end up here?”

“I fainted. After not eating for two days.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah. Pretty much.”

All three were silent for a second. The question in Jay's eyes was obvious.

“Cillian, Jay. Jay, Cillian.”

They eyed each other.

“Cillian is an up-and-coming photographer for Mom's agency. Jay's my neighbor.”

They grunted at each other.

Cillian scooted closer to Leah. Jay stepped closer to hear what he was saying.

“You are perfect the way you are.” Cillian lightly touched her cheek. “Alfreddo told me he would have my job if he caught me with you again. I had to stay away.”

“What? Why didn't you say something? I thought you and Paula—”

“No way.” Cillian lowered his voice further. “I wanted to call you so many times, but I thought—”

“But you didn't,” Leah reminded him. “What about Alfreddo now? Why aren't you quaking in your boots? Won't he find out about this visit?”

“I don't give a damn about Alfreddo anymore. I should have told you in the first place. He's such a jackass. Your mom fired him, you know that?”

Leah laughed. “Thank God. He was such a creep.”

Jay cleared his throat. “Leah. I'm going to go.”

“Okay.” Leah barely glanced up. He hesitated in the doorway, not looking like he was in any hurry to get to his precious Jennifer.

“Give me a second chance?” Cillian asked. That easy grin of his was obviously not used to hearing the word
no.
“We were pretty good together.”

Leah glanced from him to Jay to the flowers all her friends had brought her. The Bruins jersey the coach had sent her.

The magazine Cillian had brought. Who was that stranger staring back at her? Who were those girls on the ANA Web site? That wasn't her life. Her life was going to begin in this room.

“We'll see. Like I told Jay,” Leah said, slyly gazing from Jay to Cillian, “I have a lot of other things to look forward to right now. I have my whole life ahead of me. But for right now, could one of you hand me that Milky Way bar? I'm starving!”