Silence Is Golden (24 page)

Emma and I say good-bye outside my house in the woods. Benedetto is waiting there to drive me to the station. I don’t want everyone to know that I’ve disappeared before the fact. I especially don’t want Aris to know, though I’m not foolish enough to think that he’d run alongside the train, screaming for it to stop. I still can’t really believe that I’ve lost him. I still don’t understand how it happened. And I don’t know why I didn’t beg him to stay with me. I guess that ultimately, I put myself before anyone else at the end of the day. That’s how my father was with my mother. Maybe he did pass down something besides the red hair.

I hug Emma one more time while Benedetto watches and fights back tears. I do not cry, however. If I let myself give in to despair, I won’t be able to leave. This is the right thing to do. The suitcase and bag I brought with me when I arrived in Bren are in the trunk of the car. I look one last time at my home. I gaze at the forest that I’ve walked through so many times, and I silently bid the stream, which is no longer ours, farewell. I get into Benedetto’s car, and Emma closes the door. Benedetto starts the engine and drives off.

Good-bye.

AUTUMN

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

It was a very hot summer, but once September finally arrives, I feel like I can breathe again, despite the extra weight I’m lugging around. The baby bump and a smile are usually enough to ensure me a seat on the subway, but they can’t help with all the stairs, escalators, and hallways I have to walk. I’m exhausted by the time I get to the bookstore where I work. Thankfully, despite my initial fears, my bosses have assured me that they’ll hold my position for me after the baby comes. I’ll have to try to find a babysitter so I can go back to work as soon as possible. Although, if I’m being honest with myself, once I factor in rent and babysitting fees, I’m going to have to stretch my salary just to make it to the end of the month. Thanks to Emma’s aunt, I’ve found an apartment that isn’t too expensive. But Milan is an expensive city overall, especially compared to Bren. Even riding the subway takes a toll on my meager budget. Sometimes I consider moving again to some small town, maybe on the coast, but then I realize I’m not ready yet. I still need the anonymity that a big city offers, and I’m not ready to have the eyes of a small town glued to me all the time again. The fact that I’m a single mother means I would be a perfect target for gossip. Of course, I could always make up some story about how my husband died before the baby was born, but I don’t have the energy for that kind of lie. I’m constantly exhausted these days. Whenever I sit down, I just want to fall asleep. Emma tells me that this is normal during pregnancy, but I hope it doesn’t continue long after birth, because my child will be left crying while I sleep the days away.

I find out that I’m having a boy. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m afraid that he’ll look too much like his father. I pray every night that he has brown eyes like my mother’s or green eyes like mine. So long as they’re not blue. I also hope he has red hair like I do. Please don’t let him have blond hair.

Memories of Bren often fill my mind when I’m idle, and sometimes I like to sift through them. Faces, voices, moments. I let Emma, Benedetto, Linda, Giorgia, and even Helga enter my mind. There’s only one person who isn’t allowed in, and I don’t even dare to think his name. After my mother died, I got pretty good at obscuring faces in my head. I can peacefully think of her now; the fog has lifted. Which is good since I’ll need my memories of her after the baby comes. As for him, memories of his face still hurt me too much.

I still haven’t settled on a name for the baby. Maybe I’ll wait until after he’s born so I can look at his face and decide what name would suit him best. Emma suggests names in every one of her letters and phone calls. She wants to be here for the birth, as she thinks having an aunt present will make the baby more comfortable. I must admit I’d love to have a friendly face beside me during labor. I’m not afraid of the pain, but I am afraid of the moment after the birth when the nurse tells me I can take the baby home. Emma has promised that she’ll close her store and come stay with me for a few weeks to teach me everything she knows about taking care of a newborn. Keeping Benedetto and Linda away will be difficult; they’ve already appointed themselves honorary grandparents. An aunt, a cousin (Giorgia), and two loving grandparents . . . Isn’t that more than any baby could wish for? And then of course, I’ll be there too. I just hope that when this baby is born, the frozen block in my chest will turn back into a heart and I’ll be able to love him.

I’ve made a few friends here, female coworkers who are fun to gossip and laugh with, nothing more. None of them realizes that my smile doesn’t reach my eyes, and I’m fine about that. I actually really like the newest girl. Her name is Sofia. She’s full of enthusiasm, along with a boundless energy that sometimes gets her into trouble. She’s the only one who’s been brave enough to ask why I’m alone and why the baby’s father isn’t around.

“He was made to be alone,” I tell her.

“He doesn’t even want to be in his son’s life?” she asks.

I shrug. Somehow, she understands.

“He doesn’t know, does he?”

I don’t reply, but there’s no need.

She puts a hand on my arm. “You had your reasons,” she says.

I think that perhaps we could end up being real friends, someday, when I find the courage to trust someone again.

It’s a horrible Friday, raining and windy. Getting to the bookstore this morning was a chore. In a few days, I’ll be eight months pregnant. Tomorrow, I go on maternity leave. I had hoped to work as long as possible so that I can afford to take time off after the baby comes, but I’ve really reached my limit. I haven’t put on too much weight, because I only eat when I have to, but nevertheless, my pregnant belly is unwieldy. It’s hard to keep my balance, and I have constant back pain. My ob-gyn says the baby isn’t very big, but my stomach seems huge to me. Tying my shoes, bathing, and even basic housework is becoming increasingly difficult. Today, I have to shelve a big bunch of books that just arrived. Luckily, Sofia offers to do this for me so I can work on the displays instead, which are much less tiring. We work near each other, and occasionally she cracks a joke that makes me laugh, but the temptation to go home and lie down increases by the minute. I’m so tired that I would even pay for a taxi so I don’t have to take another step. There are a few customers, some of whom I’m sure only came in to seek shelter from the rain and wind. They occasionally pick up a book and scan the back cover. I’m crouched down, collecting another handful of books, when the door opens again, letting in a gust of wind that ruffles my hair. When I finally stand and look up, my hands open and the books fall to the ground.

It’s Aris.

His eyes are at first fixed on mine, but they soon travel like lightning down to my protruding stomach. A moment later, he falls to his knees, as if his legs have collapsed beneath him. He’s drenched from the rain, as he was on our first night together. His blond hair is longer, and the rain makes it seem darker. His face is either covered in rain or tears. I’m stunned. I don’t know what to feel. I look at him, kneeling on the floor of the bookstore, and he looks back at me in amazement. His eyes are wide open and bluer than ever. His surprised expression is completely sincere. Emma must have kept her promise not to tell him about the baby. I don’t move, but the people around me are starting to whisper: “Who is that crazy man kneeling on the ground?” Someone asks if he’s okay, but he doesn’t answer or change position. His eyes remain riveted to mine. One of the managers approaches him and tries to convince him to stand up, taking him by the arm. I know better. Despite his thin frame, Aris is strong, and no one can force him to move unless he wants to.

Someone touches me on the shoulder, and I turn away for just a moment. Sofia asks under her breath, “Is that him?”

I nod and turn back to Aris.

We speak, in our own way. He is stunned, but his eyes don’t ask why I didn’t tell him about the baby. They only ask one question. “Can you forgive me?”

“I don’t know,” my glance replies.

I take a step toward him. I kneel on the ground next to him, though I’m briefly concerned that I’m going to topple over from the weight of my stomach. Aris’s hands are ready to support me. Everything is silent around us. Even the manager has stopped trying to convince him to get up. Now that I’m on my knees too, no one is saying anything. I’m sure people are wondering who we are, what’s going on between us, and why we’re both in this absurd position on the floor. But I can’t take my eyes off Aris. It’s as if we’re alone. My heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest. Ah, so it still works after all. I don’t think about the consequences of this for either of us, but I embrace him. He found me somehow, and he’s soaked to the bone and too skinny, but he’s still so beautiful to me. I hug him because he is my family.

We shiver, and I hear someone clapping and other people murmuring things. I eventually loosen my grip on him while continuing to hold his gaze. He takes my hands and slowly rises, helping me up too. Everyone around us seems to breathe a collective sigh of relief. (Which is something, given that the people of Milan are not easily impressed).

Sofia fetches my purse and coat, then hands them to Aris, who thanks her with one of his dazzling smiles. I think she actually swoons. She gives me a quick hug and whispers into my ear, “Whatever reason you had, forget it.”

Aris helps me put on my coat and opens the door for me. It’s still windy and rainy. He tells me with a glance to wait here, and then he runs to the curb and hails a cab. We both climb into the warm, safe cab. I tell the driver my address, and then there’s no further need for words. I lean against Aris, just like I did on the train from Bren to my hometown. He wraps his arms around me, and I close my eyes. I’ve never felt so safe or close to him. During that short cab ride, I wonder how I managed to leave Bren, find a home, and find a job all by myself. I must have some hidden powers that are only activated when he’s not around. He kisses my forehead, and I smooth his hair back. I wonder if being together like this is a good idea. I know I’ll find the strength to ask for an explanation from Aris, and I think he knows that too.

The taxi drops us outside my apartment complex. I pull out my keys, and Aris gently takes them from me and opens the main door. He helps me up two flights of stairs then into my apartment. I head straight for my couch, where I lie down with a groan. I hear the apartment door close, and Aris comes over and lies down in front of me. I don’t have the strength to dry his hair for him this time. I caress his cheek, letting him know that I want him to stretch out next to me. He does. I fall asleep in his arms.

When I open my eyes, Aris is still lying next to me. One arm is supporting my head while the other is wrapped around me. His palm is resting on my stomach, and I can feel his breath on my back. I don’t know how he knows I’m awake, because I haven’t moved or spoken.

“I’ve been searching every bookstore in Milan. I thought you would have picked a big city, that you had had enough of small towns. I thought about how you loved books, and I just prayed . . . If I hadn’t found you today, I would have kept looking for you.”

“Emma and Benedetto . . .”

“I didn’t ask them anything. I thought they might know, but I didn’t want to put them in an uncomfortable position. I told you I’d find you wherever you went.”

“You were lucky. What if I’d flown to the US?”

“It would have just taken me a little longer to find you. And in the meantime, our son, or daughter, would have been born.”

Maybe I’ll go to hell for this, but I could swear that when I saw Aris in the bookstore today, I forgot all about the baby. That was clearly not true for him.

“I couldn’t tell you. And I don’t regret that I didn’t tell you,” I say.

We’re still spooning, so I can’t see his face. But it’s okay. For me, at least, it’s easier this way.

“You had every reason not to tell me,” he responds quietly. “I abandoned you. If I had changed my mind because I knew you were pregnant, you would never have been able to trust my feelings for you.”

I struggle to turn over, and when we’re finally facing each other, my stomach keeps us from getting too close.

“Can we agree, for just a moment, to pretend that this baby doesn’t exist?” I ask.

“The baby doesn’t exist to me yet, Emi. Only you do. The baby doesn’t exist until you allow me to be in your life, and his or her life. I know you haven’t made up your mind yet. But I’m here. You can ask me anything, and if you’re not satisfied with my answers, you can ask me to leave, and I will. You and the baby can stay wherever you want, with no expectations from me.”

What he says is exactly what I wanted to hear. But I’ve trusted his words before, and my subsequent disappointment almost killed me. I can’t forget the icy shell he built around himself after Dora’s death. It was impenetrable. How do I know that won’t happen again? Without me saying a word, he understands.

“You’re wondering how you can trust me again after I betrayed your trust before.”

I nod.

“I can only tell you that I didn’t just betray you—I also betrayed myself. After you left my shop, I didn’t let Linda or Benedetto into my house for days. I didn’t eat. I barely slept. When they finally broke down the door, I think they believed I was dead.”

I let out a groan of anguish.

He shrugs. “I didn’t want to live anymore,” he says matter-of-factly. “What was the point if I didn’t have you?”

I know him. I know that what he’s telling me is true. I never should have let those things happen. I’ve always known I’m stronger than him. I could have been strong for both of us. Instead, I left.

“I left you when you needed me most,” I say.

“No,” he replies, taking my face in his hands. “You were right to leave me. We all have to grow up sooner or later, Emi. When I found myself in the hospital, with Benedetto staring at me with compassion, I was so ashamed.”

I don’t want to talk anymore. Aris’s hair has dried, and I tuck a strand behind his ear. He smiles. Finally, we kiss. Just like he did in my house in the woods, Aris scoops me up into his arms, with our baby kicking inside me, and takes me into the bedroom.