Silent Cry (31 page)

“David Wells told me one night, ‘Meet me at Hooters. I got this pastor I want you
to meet,' and I was like, ‘Whoa, meet you at Hooters? Okay.' He told me he had the
perfect guy for me to meet, and he introduced me to Omar. I was like, ‘I'm meeting
a pastor at Hooters!' So Omar tells me he has a job for me mentoring kids in South
Dallas. I said, ‘What do you want in return?' He told me, ‘Nothing really, but I'll
think of something.' As the evening went on, Omar asked me to introduce him to Deion
Sanders and ask him to come to a function to raise money for Vision Regeneration.
I said, ‘Well, cool, that's easy.' We spent several more hours talking in that Hooters,
and it was like I had known Omar all my life. It seemed like I grew up with this
dude.

“You asked me when I found God. Well, I don't know what day it was. I know most people
can remember this epic day of when they recall finding God. I'm different from most
people. How do you find God? God has always been there. When I decided I was going
to be a part of God's plan, I was just in my truck — I think I had this little diesel
deal — something small because I had just gotten out of prison. I was driving around,
and I said, ‘You know, God, you've always covered me through everything — multiple
car wrecks, bad marriage, how I was, drug-related deals, me selling drugs, and you've
always covered me. I've never really had to work a day in my life, and I've always
known you. I've always known that you're about right and good — but I chose the other
route.' ”

Nate stopped his remembrance here and looked me right in the eyes. “I was never ignorant,
you see. I always knew there was a God, but I also knew that — and here is where
Dorothy and I may disagree: When I met her, I never played like I ever wanted to
be a Christian. I didn't ever even say I was gonna try to be a Christian. She'll
say that, through the bad times we went through, I would say, ‘I'm going to try to
be better,' and I would ask her to pray for me. But I was trying to be a better husband.
I never said I was trying to be better with God.

“So when I decided I was going to better my life and get right with Christ, I knew
I was going into it wholeheartedly, and if I saw it wasn't working, I wasn't going
to stick with it. One thing about it, you're either with God 100 percent or you're
going to hell.

“When I decided to change and get my life right, I was well aware of what it took
because of the people around me. I knew Dorothy was a Christian; I knew my son Tré
was a Christian; I knew my father, my mother, Deion Sanders, Tony Hayes, Charlie
Biggers — these people were Christians. They never told me it was thunder and lightning,
and all of a sudden your life just miraculously changes. I knew it wasn't like that
because I knew the struggles they went through.

“So, when I became a Christian, I already knew what it was going to be like for me.
I saw Dorothy, Deion, Charlie, Tony, Tré, my mother and father — I saw that they
couldn't be shaken. I knew I would be like that. I told you if I believe something
is
right, I don't care what anybody else says or thinks. I did feel like they would
probably be closer in their faith and in their walk with Christ than I could ever
be — not because I started late, that isn't what determines it. Because I lived in
the flesh for so long — I think if you could start earlier, you wouldn't have the
habits, you see? The habits from my past . . .” Nate's voice trailed off.

“What I mean is, I think with Dorothy, or Tré or Deion, they started earlier with
habits of love, and the earlier you start with those habits, the easier it is if
you fall off the wagon to get back on. I'm not saying they love God more than me,
but they're already at the meat of the Word, and I'm just still getting past the
milk and the mash. I don't have the same habits they have.

“I still have a lot of flesh to fight. The things that Dorothy went through with
me — there is no way I could ever look good to someone. I would never look good to
women, and I don't expect to look good. I'll deal with that. I don't need acceptance
from you or anybody. All I need for you to understand is that even though I can't
change what has happened, you can't stop it that now I live in peace. Who I am now,
what I've been through, what Dorothy has been through, how we have come through it,
how our kids have prospered — you have to let your kids know that you can change
your mind. You can be different.”

Nate talked for a few minutes about his parents and the differences between how he
was brought up and how Dorothy was brought up. He spoke very fondly of his mom and
dad and of his sons. He believed he and Dorothy shared the same basic core values
all along, just that his path caused him to make very different choices.

“When I did stupid things, there were only three entities I apologized to for the
wrong that I did. One was Dorothy and the boys — that's one because they are my family.
Two was my
mother and father. I had to apologize to them separately, you see. My
mom was a schoolteacher, and I put her through a lot. My father was self-employed.
He owned a store, a gas station, and several properties, and he talked and bragged
about his kids. I hurt them, and I had to apologize to my parents separately. Finally,
the third entity I had to apologize to was the Dallas Cowboys organization and fans.
I mean, the Cowboys knew my antics — they knew — but I lived a dual life. I presented
one thing and did another.

“I told some of my friends that Dorothy was going to write this book, and they told
me, ‘Oh, man, that's gonna make you look bad.'

“You know what? I prayed about it, and I said to myself, ‘I'll deal with that when
it comes.' ”

We both took another sip of our coffee. I shared with Nate that the purpose of this
interview was not only to lend credibility to Dorothy's story and to keep the press
from doing a “he said; she said,” but my main purpose in interviewing him was to
reach out to those who had been abusers — men who found themselves trapped in a cycle
of violence, hurting those they care about the most. I was curious about his perspective
— not only on what caused him to be abusive, but even more on what caused him to
stop. I wanted to know what he would say to men who abused women.

Nate dove right in. “Whether you hit a woman once or you hit her fifty thousand times,
there is no place in our makeup as a man that allows for us to ever do that. It's
unacceptable; that's the bottom line. Any man who knows God understands that as a
man, hitting a woman is never, ever acceptable.

“Will men do that? Yes. Men will fly off the handle and do that, but I'm telling
you that it is never okay. For a woman to think she has to accept that [abuse], she
needs to seek help
now — and much faster than that man does. For a man to beat a
woman, and this is what I had to come to grips with, for a man to beat a woman, he's
a coward.

“You're a coward! That's all there is to it!”

Nate took a moment to regroup. He was visibly stirred up.

“I went to God,” he said, “and started seeing a change in my life, and a lot of things
started to fall into place. There were things I had to do right away. I went to Dorothy
right after I got out of prison and apologized to her, but I had to go back after
I found God and apologize again. When I made my apologies as a Christian, only then
could I even begin to understand forgiveness. Only then could I start to feel good
about it. Yes, I apologized when I got out of prison, and I was grateful for the
way she stuck by me and showed love, but it wasn't until I was a Christian and then
made my apologies to Dorothy, to my mother and father, to the Cowboys and fans, that
I began to feel good.”

“Do you feel free now?” I asked.

“I do feel free, but I never want to forget and fall back into that. I have a [new]
wife now. I still get mad. I still have real, real bad days and real, real bad nights,
but I don't ever want to get so angry that I would put my hands on her. It takes
God to keep me from that. Only God can do that.

“For athletes, I think it's worse. We're conditioned for aggression. We're conditioned
to respond physically. Larry Allen [a Cowboys teammate] asked me one time, ‘Nate,
do you sometimes just get so wound up? So full of anxiety?' I told him, ‘Yeah, I
do. Let me tell you how to fix it — you gotta start praying. Don't go get a drink;
don't go talk to your wife. When the anxiety attacks come, you gotta start praying.
That's the only thing that's gonna fix it.'

“I tried drinkin'. I tried going away and being by myself,
but that didn't work.
Nothing I tried worked. It takes God's intervention. Now I surround myself with Christians
— even my doctor is a good Christian. Michelle and I have been married now for a
long time. We attend North Dallas Community Bible Fellowship . . .”

Nate looked down at his watch and reminded me that he didn't want to miss the start
of King's game. There is much more I want to ask him, but I know our interview has
come to an end.

I'm left with the impression that this man's journey has led him to a very different
place than where he was many years ago, and that he has a journey ahead of him still.
I am convinced that he deeply regrets his behavior and the pain he has caused —
not only to Dorothy but also to his sons, his family, and his fans. I offer a prayer
for Nate as he walks out into the cold mist. I ask God to fully reveal the power
of his forgiveness and acceptance to Nate. I thank God that he is faithful to complete
the work he has started in Nate's life. As I watch him drive off toward Dragon Stadium,
I believe that God has much, much more in store for Nate Newton.

Meet Tré and King Newton

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart
from it.

Proverbs 22:6

My story wouldn't be complete without the perspective of my two sons, Tré and King.
When I completed the initial draft of this book, I asked my friend and collaborator,
Wendy Walters, to interview each of the boys one-on-one. The following is what she
wrote about her conversations with Tré and King in 2011.

Tré Newton, Age Twenty-Two

I spoke with Tré over the telephone. He was very articulate but also reserved at
first, unsure about what was expected of him. He knew this was important to his mom
and wanted to get it right.

“What was it like for you growing up?” I asked.

“I remember lots of arguing,” he began. “I would go to my room, but I still could
hear what was going on. Sometimes I would pop out and see what was taking place.

“There were times I felt very helpless. I didn't know other families were different.
It felt like it was wrong at the time, even though I was little, and I knew it was
bad. I just didn't know any other way of life.

“When Dad started drinking, I expected something bad to happen. Like, I knew it would
be bad for my mom. It hurt me, and it made me feel bad. I was used to it. It was
what I expected. I knew I couldn't do anything about it.

“When it was happening, I would hide out and wait for it to be over. I knew my mom
would be sad, and the next day I knew we would act like nothing ever happened.

“I knew not to say anything. I tried to avoid my dad as much as I could. I only enjoyed
going with him to the Cowboys locker room because I loved football so much. At home,
I never knew when he was going to go off, like he was bipolar or something.

“I have always felt real protective of my mom. I would tell her, ‘Let's leave; we
should go away.' I had a hard time understanding why we stayed so long. It was really
bad sometimes, and I wanted her to leave. I was excited when they got a divorce.”

“How has it affected you as an adult?” I asked.

“I don't want to be like that when I get older, get married, and have kids. I want
to be careful to treat girls I talk to with respect. When I slip up, I think to myself,
I don't want to be anything like my dad
. I'm aware of the statistics. But I don't
plan to be one of them. I have always fallen back on my faith. My mom kept us in
the Word, and we always prayed together at night.

“When Mom was abused or I would be in my room praying for her that she wouldn't
be hurt or that Dad wouldn't do anything, I used to pray for my dad to be a happy
drunk. There
were times when he was a happy drunk, and then he was actually a lot
of fun to be around. When he came home drunk, I just hoped he would go to sleep.
I just didn't know what to expect.”

“When I spoke with your dad, he talked about how playing football had conditioned
him to be aggressive,” I said. “Sometimes it was difficult for him to turn that off
at home. You've played a great deal of football. How did that affect you?”

“When I step onto the football field, I'm a different person. When I step off the
field, that part of me shuts down.”

“You saw your mom suffer for a long time. What would you tell women trapped in abusive
situations?”

“My mom kept me away and protected me from the worst of it. She would send me off
to my uncle T. Hayes's house or to stay with friends and try to keep me from seeing
it. She would always talk to me and encourage me to talk to her. She called it ‘open
book time,' and it was mostly as she drove me back and forth to school. She wanted
me to be able to tell her anything that was bothering me. I guess I would tell women
to keep an open relationship with their kids and make sure they have permission
to say anything. I knew I could tell my mom anything. I talked to my mom a lot. If
nothing was bothering her, nothing bothered me. If I saw her happy, I was happy.
When she was upset, I was upset. I want people to know that if they can get help,
they should. There is help out there. You don't have to go through what my mom went
through.”