Silent Scars (Surviving #4) (11 page)

“I think she just wants her normal life back, and not some moody guy following her around.” I tried for a smile, but it felt more like a grimace. For some reason the thought of leaving her behind caused a twinge of pain in my chest.

“I’m beginning to wonder whether it’s worth the fight.”

“In what way?”

“Putting her through this. They want Graham to stop what he does, and they are willing to hurt her if he doesn’t. We can’t risk that.”

“Do you believe in the work he does?” I asked, my voice firm.

“Of course I do. He’s not the monster they make him out to be.”

“Stay strong for your daughter and Graham. They need you right now. Bowing down to this is not the solution.”

Sally’s shoulders sagged, and she blew out a breath. Her eyes were glazed and the vibrant confidant woman I initially met was slowly dimming. The woman before me loved her daughter more than anything in this world, and I had to admire her for that. It was the same devotion Ane and Bill had for Will and Jo.

“She believes in her dad too much to let them win. You know Aloura would hate herself if she knew people were denied access to what he produces in a bid to save their lives.”

“Maybe.”

“This clown will get bored, or caught. He won’t touch her.”

Sally offered me a watery smile in a weary agreement.

“Thanks, Ryan.” She patted my arm before wandering back down the long drive, towards her own home. I watched her go, she must feel so helpless. I had experienced that desperate need to protect the ones you love from the sick twisted people in the world and failed miserably. It’s the unbelievable fear of not having any control.

As Sally headed back to her house, a sense of suffocating failure swamped me. They were placing their faith in me to keep their daughter safe, and I had failed every single time I had tried to protect my own family.

You will fail.

When the noises threatened to come forward, I clapped my hands over my ears. If it killed me, I would not fail her. I yanked at my skull cap, pulling it over my ears. She didn’t deserve a fucked up mess like me in charge of her safety, but I’ll be damned if I trusted anyone else to watch over her. I spun around to face the front door and paused when I saw the rat was sitting on the step staring at me.

“What?” I asked, like I expected the tiny thing to answer. He tilted his head to one side and one ear lifted, just as his tail started wagging against the concrete of the step. He jumped up onto all fours, and his tongue stuck out.

Did he look – happy? “Oh Christ, I’ve lost my damn mind.” I stepped forward, but the fricking rat accepted that as me offering some weird ass friendship. He skipped down the steps and pawed at my leg. He was tiny, but he could jump like a kangaroo.

“Alright, chill dude. You’ll hurt yourself.” I knelt down so he wouldn’t jump so high and sprain something. I had a feeling Aloura would kick my ass if I hurt her precious dog. He rested two paws on my knee, and I scratched behind his ear.

“This doesn’t mean we’re friends, got it?” He panted, and I'd be damned if I didn’t smile at the cute pup. Tickling him one more time behind the ear, I wrapped my hand around his belly and lifted him up to cradle him under my arm. “Let’s go see our girl, okay?”

His loud yap was confirmation enough for me. I ignored how great it felt to have this little guy and only be a second away from seeing Aloura.

When we entered the house, I knew immediately something was wrong. Aloura was standing at the counter, just as I’d left her. But this time there were photos laid in front of her. She had a padded brown envelope in her hand and was staring down at the images. Her face grimaced in absolutely agony. I placed Hercules on the couch and was by her side in seconds.

“How can anyone do this?” she whispered, in a trembling voice. I glanced at the array of photographs. Bile swirled in my throat, burning a hot trail as the horrendous images before me scorched my eyes. They were sickening. Naked children in depraved situations with grown ass men taking advantage, mutilated animals, corpses, women crying in agony as they were tortured – you name it, any sick depraved thing you can imagine, and the photograph was here. But the consensus was pain and suffering.

“Oh God,” Aloura gasped on a sob. She turned and curled into me, fisting my shirt. Her shoulders jerked as silent tears and agony escaped her. My eyes returned to the photos. Some had the words “are you proud” scratched across them. Some had “your father is responsible” on the ones of patients clearly in pain on hospital beds. The difference was, those weren’t hospitals over here, those were ones in war torn countries. I knew because I had been to more than one. The photo that had me pulling her closer was one of her, photoshopped so she was covered in blood, and the words “I’m coming for you” were written in sharpie across the bottom. The sick bastard had a penchant for pain. No right minded person would be able to stare at these images and not feel sick. But to search, download, and print them took a certain kind of warped mentality – I had known those kinds of sick fuckers my entire life. They had no place in Aloura’s life.

“I promise you that your dad has nothing to do with any of this shit. These are from the fucked up internet. I swear these are nothing.”

“I know,” she sobbed into my shirt. I rubbed my hand in circles over her back. “How can anyone do this?” Her trembling hand held out a photo of a bloodied, beaten, and sexually abused child.

I pulled her closer, needing her in my space as much as she needed me. “I wish I knew the answer to that.” I knew more than I liked about the depravity in people’s minds. I was introduced to the vile desires of human nature at the age of four, and I still suffered backlash. There was no forgetting that shit, no putting it aside. It was there every time someone touches you, every time you’re given a certain lustful gaze. The noises, the smells, it’s always there. Completely ingrained into your brain and scorched into your skin. There’s no recovering from being soiled at a young age. There was no forgetting regaining consciousness at a young age being surrounded by adult men and covered in their come. Some nightmares you never left behind.

Aloura’s hands in my shirt twitched, bringing me back to the here and now. She needed me. Tucking my finger under her chin, I urged her to meet my gaze. When her wet chocolate eyes greeted mine, my knees weakened. I lifted my other hand from around her waist and slowly pulled off her glasses, careful not to poke her in the eye. Cupping her cheek with one hand, I wrapped the long sleeve of my shirt over it my fist and wiped under her eyes. Capturing the tears dampening those gorgeous long lashes, she closed her eyes and a shuddering breath escaped those ruby lips. For a moment I could only stare, captivated by the lushness. I wanted to clamp my teeth down on it, suck on the juiciness and gorge myself on her taste. Her hands tightened, pulling at my shirt.

Never have I been short of a beautiful women to warm my bed. I came from one of the richest families in the States, I had a pretty-boy face, and yeah I worked hard to maintain my physique. But looks fade, money can dwindle, and all you are left with is a fucked up shell, and a broken useless mind. That’s when your true friends come to light, the ones standing beside you when you have nothing to offer them other than what’s under your skin. But underneath my skin was dead so there was nothing worth seeking. Why did she make me feel so exposed?

I held her away, keeping her steady when my abrupt movements caused her to stumble. This couldn’t happen. Touching her, holding her – that wasn’t my reality.

“We need to get this shit to the police,” I snapped and pushed it back into the envelope. I avoided her hurt and confused gaze. I made the mistake of glancing at her just as I was about to leave and caught the devastation in her gaze. I couldn’t add to her pain. She was more important than me.

“I will keep you safe, Aloura.”

“I know.” Her full lip trembled, but she valiantly tried to hide it. I stepped towards her and pulled her into my chest, wrapping my arms around her. Her warm soft body fit perfectly against mine. I closed my eyes and pushed that thought as far away as possible.

I was slowly losing myself to this woman. And what a terrifying thought that was.

I stared out of my bedroom window at the night sky. Hercules was being a restless ball of energy. “There‘s no rain tonight, honey,” I said, patting the window seat. He scampered across the floor and jumped up to sit beside me. He licked my hand and tried as he always did to lick my face. But I wouldn’t allow that; the dude licked his balls for Christ sake.

“Look, no rain.” His too big tongue hung out of his mouth as he panted and pawed at the glass. I glanced at the glowing red number on the clock beside my bed and grumbled. I really needed to get some sleep. It was almost 2am. Normally I would play the piano or read. But I didn’t want to wake Ryan, and after reading with him, I kind of wanted to save my book to share with him.

“Ugh.” I moaned and placed my head in my hands. I was being totally pathetic. I hated reading aloud. It was one thing in school I detested the most. But today when he asked, something inside me clicked. I knew he wanted a reason to stay away; he wanted me to be the one to enforce a barrier between us. But I couldn’t. I’d have sung the national anthem in exchange for those moments again. I could hardly breathe when I grabbed his hand, and he didn’t push me away. But what really had my pulse on overdrive and my body temperature sky rocketing was the heat in his gaze so there was no disputing that smoulder. The way he stared at my lips like he wanted to devour me. Shivers raced through me at the memory. If my mum hadn’t have walked in at the wrong moment, would he have kissed me? What would it be like to be at the total mercy of such a powerful man? In no way did I have secret desires to be submissive. I’d be pretty wretched to be honest, but I would like to know what it would be like to succumb to Ryan. To be his for one night. I expected it to be pretty addictive. Hercules let out an almighty whine and pawed at my hand before jumping from the window seat.

I jerked when Hercules cleared my legs and stood growling at the partially closed door. “What is wrong with you tonight?” I asked.

I turned fully to face him and snapped my fingers to get his attention. But the little guy was seriously disturbed by something on the other side of the wood. Shivers crawled down my spine. My thoughts immediately going to the creeper, the sender of sick images and lame threats. But the alarm would have sounded. Ryan would know – wouldn’t he?

“This is the part of the movie you scream at the idiot damsel to stay where the hell she is.” I grumbled at Hercules, who had now taken to lying on the floor and whining like he was in pain. Approaching the little guy, I knelt beside him and stroked my hand down his back. “What’s wrong?” I asked as if he could tell me.

Slowly, on his tummy, he crawled his way across the room to the door. I followed, hating he was now cowering and scared.

“Herc, you’re really freaking me out,” I whispered and hunkered down. I had no idea why I was making myself smaller, but it was working for Herc.

His little body slid through the gap in the door, and I followed, holding onto the wood for support. The hallway was empty. I panted like I had just ran a 10K; my heart was palpitating, but that wasn’t what had my blood roaring in my ears. Herc was scratching the hell out of Ryan’s door, trying to get in. He was whining and growling and beating the hell out of the varnished wood.

“Hercules, stop,” I whisper shouted. The dog only whined louder. I moved to the door and reached down for his collar when I heard a pained groan.

Oh God, is he...I couldn’t walk in on that again. Clothed Ryan’s a fine specimen of a man, but naked and masturbating transcended words. The thick corded muscles as he pumped at his own flesh. Goose pimples peppered my skin as a hot flush raced through my body to my core. It wasn’t lost on me that I ruthlessly took my fill and gawped at him, so much that the sight was ingrained into my memory.

Hercules let out an almighty howl, startling me. The way he was behaving was seriously warped. Stepping forward, I covered the handle with my hand. “If we disturb something, Herc, you are sleeping outside.” The dog ignored me, tilting his tiny head to sniff under the door.

Slowly, and as quietly as possible, I twisted the handle and pushed the door, calling out softly to Ryan. Hercules darted into the room before I could stop him. Immediately, he was beside the bed and was on his hind legs pawing at the side of the mattress like he always does with me, asking for permission. But he wasn’t going to get an answer from the sweaty, writhing mess on the bed.

“Ryan?” I called out, stepping further into the room and closer to the bed. When he didn’t answer, only muttered something in his sleep, I knew he was having a nightmare.

“Ryan,” I called and reached out to him. I placed my hand on his shoulder and shook him.

There was only time to let out a startled scream before his hand clamped over my mouth. He pressed me against the wall. I didn’t even have time to process how he moved so quickly as I stared at him. Trying to make out his features in the dark. The light from the screens on his dresser gave some illumination, but his back was to them. I grasped his wrist and tugged, but he only held tighter. His hand wrapped around my back, and he lifted me to him. “We gotta be quiet, little buddy,” he whispered against my ear. I tried to speak to him, but it was muffled by his hand.

“Ssh,” he said, cradling me against his chest. His massive arm was a truck around my back. “Come on.” He jerked his head to the side and went to leave the room. Glancing left and right along the hallway, he tiptoed out as if someone would hear us. I mumbled something again, but he didn’t react. As we approached the stairs, visibility was better. The moon illuminated the open space and gave me the opportunity to take in his appearance. He was sweating profusely, but it was the determination in his gaze, and utter fear. He was still dressed, which I found odd.

“Ryan,” I mumbled against his hand still over my mouth. But it was like no one was home. He was present in body, but his mind had taken a holiday to crazyville.

Like a pair of ghosts, we made our way through the house without making a sound. He repeatedly glanced behind him as if the devil himself would be chasing us. I was a bystander in his strange behaviour. He headed to the patio doors. He glanced at me, pulling his hand away, and placed his finger over his mouth to tell me to be quiet. Mystified, I could only nod and agree to see where this was going. His face contorted when the door made a hissing squeak as it opened. Again he glanced over in the direction of the stairs; a look of complete panic washed over him. When nothing happened, he crouched and scooped me up into his arms. Not fully understanding why he felt the urge to crouch, I wasn’t so much smaller than he was.

The night was cool as he stepped out into the garden, but thankfully the summer heat hadn’t dissipated too much. Like a ghost he claimed to be, he navigated through the dark into the trees. The only sounds were the rustling of leaves around us and the odd break of branch beneath his feet. He was tracking a path I didn’t usually take, heading into a darkened dense part of the woodland. So it wasn’t like he was going somewhere we had gone. It was cooler in the thick of the wood, and the smell was strong and earthy. Something fluttered above us, and I flinched. Ryan pulled my closer to his chest. He came to a sudden stop and sat on the damp mossy ground in a small clearing beneath the canopy of the trees, still cradling me in his arms. “I fucking hate it here.” He snarled.

I sucked in a breath at those hurtful words. It was a job to him, I understood that. But for him to actually
hate
being here, hurt.

“I thought I was helping you.”

“You are,” I whispered, lifting my hand to press it against his chest. His heart was beating wildly. A strong, determined beat.

“It’s all been fucking pointless,” he mumbled and scrubbed his hands down his face. Quickly wrapping his arms around me again as though I would suddenly run away. “I didn’t want to hurt you, little man.”

“What?” I jerked in his arms and stared at his face for any recognition that it was me sitting with him. But he continued as though I had never spoken. Shadows danced around us making the atmosphere and grounds I had grown up in and loved take on an eerie quality.

“I thought if I hurt you enough times, the hospital would take you away. I thought they’d say it was unsafe for you to live here with us, but they fucking believed
her
every time. How fucking stupid are they; a kid don’t fall that many times.”

A strangled gasp escaped me. He had hurt a child? I covered my mouth with my hands, and tears prickled my vision. I shifted on his lap, wanting space, but his arms tightened, and the mighty weight across me held me captive.

“I saw it. I knew the day you arrived the sick fucker would make you one of his
special
boys.”

He continued, but my heart, head and mind hurt with the things he was saying. I watched in horror as he spoke to a child in his sleep, confessing the horrors of their childhood. In that moment I had never been more helpless and pathetic in my entire life. Because it was clear I couldn’t take his pain away.

“Ryan,” I said in a hoarse whisper. I lifted my hands and cupped his face, the stubble surprisingly soft.

“I’ll try, buddy, to keep you safe, but other than killing the fucker, I don’t know what to do.”

From the determination and tensing of his jaw, I utterly believed what he said. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. The tightening hold he had on me warmed me because he was reciprocating my hug. Suddenly, I was thrust away from him as he searched my face. The pain in his eyes ripped through me.

“Wait, did your dad ever...
touch
y
ou?”

“Oh God,” I choked. I blinked, and fat tears rolled down my cheeks. He pulled me to him again, releasing a relieved sign. I guess whatever the answer was, was acceptable. I clung to him, holding the man who had suffered so much.

“I don’t usually drink, buddy. But today has been a shit day. First Dad needed me.” The broken tone and following grimace indicated what he was needed for, and my stomach churned. How could anyone do that to a child?

“Then I had a date with Chrissie.” He let out a pained sigh, drawing circles on my back. “I told her I love her today, Chase.”

Chase?

“We’ve been fooling around and
stuff,
and I thought with her wanting to go further that we were at that stage. I think I did love her though. Turns out she’s like the rest. Never trust anyone, buddy. They use you, abuse you, and take whatever you are willing to give. I thought she was different, you know. I shared stuff –
bad
stuff with her. And she used it to get money from my father. She fucking
used
me.” A sob broke from his throat on the last words, and I held him tighter.

“Ryan,” I whispered. It ended on a squeal when Ryan ejected me from his lap. He stood, and I gawped up at him as he glanced around the trees with a bemused expression on his face. Hercules jumped at his leg. He ignored him as he did me and turned, heading back to the house. I scrambled to my feet and jogged after him, wincing in pain when the undergrowth dug into my bare feet. Ryan never paused. He was on a determined mission.

“Ryan!” I shouted. He turned to face me. A look of utter confusion crossed his features. He glanced around in the dark and down at himself.

“What the hell are you doing?” He snapped, storming over to me.

“I need you to carry me back.”

He stared at me like I was insane. He glanced at my feet and grumbled something under his breath, before his massive arms circled my waist and lifted me.

“Why are you out here barefoot?”

Should I tell him he was sleep walking? Or should I talk to Mum and see if any of her clients experienced whatever this was?

“I must have sleep walked,” I uttered quietly.

“Jesus, Aloura.” He pulled me closer to his chest and the warmth of his skin burned into me. “I’ll sleep with my door open. I need to hear this shit.”

I could only bob my head. I was drained and so utterly confused. This hulk of a man was so crazily broken I wanted to wrap myself around him and fight his demons. I needed to talk to Mum and ask her advice without giving too much away. I knew if I gave these moments to my mum Ryan would see it as a betrayal.

But I needed to know how you healed silent scars.