Silent Warrior: A Loveswept Classic Romance (18 page)

His praise filled her with warmth, but she stayed focused on the other, unexplained part. “Then why—”

“Because of my inability to put the job first.” He shifted, sitting up and looking straight at her. “Because my judgment was governed by my feelings for you and not what was best for the team or for getting the job done. Scottie knew that if push came to shove, I’d sacrifice the damn program and everything else just to keep you safe.”

“But wh—”

He let go of the shift knob and took her hand, turning her palm against his. She watched him slowly weave his fingers through hers. When the warmth of his palm and wrist touched hers, she instinctively, instantly, tightened her grip until she felt their pulses mingle and race on.

This time it was she who slowly dragged her gaze up to his, both frightened and excited at what she might find in those gray depths.

Her fingers convulsively clutched and loosened at the stark emotion she found there, bared to the soul for her to see. She would have pulled away, the instinct to somehow fortify her barriers stronger than the need to meld her strength with his, but he was faster, held her fingers firmly within his grasp.

He looked down at their entwined fingers, then
pulled them up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. His eyes closed and he rested his mouth against the back of her hand. She felt more than heard him swear softly.

She cupped his head with her other hand, ruffled her fingers into his hair. And waited. She’d pushed, she’d prodded, she’d bullied. Maybe it was time to back off and let him find his own way.

A few seconds went by. It seemed like hours. Then he lifted his head and tugged on her hand, simultaneously reaching behind him with his other one and opening his door.

“I need to get out of here. Walk with me?”

In that moment she’d have laid down her life for him. He already had for her. “Yes.”

He let go of her hand for as long as it took them to climb out of the car. He met her at the trunk and, to her great relief, took her hand again as he led her down the dirt track, farther away from the main road.

After several silent moments she asked, “Do you know where we are?”

“Other than what state we’re in and what highway we’re on, I haven’t a clue.”

He sounded somewhat pleased about that. Cali felt her mouth curve into a smile and let the feeling in. She forced herself not to fill in the silence, instead focusing on the sounds of the birds and the breeze rustling through the trees and tall grasses. It was still early fall and the air was quite warm but fresh. There were few clouds in the sky. Her smile grew pensive as
her thoughts and senses zeroed in on the man walking beside her.

No, she thought, there were plenty of clouds. They were all inside John McShane. She slowly shifted closer to him as they continued to walk.

Their pace was slow but steady. The countryside rolled out over a wide grassy field that didn’t seem to end until it hit the mountains in the distance. She glanced over at John. His profile wasn’t as harsh, but he was far from relaxed. The tension and strain were still evident in the pinched skin around his eyes and tightness at the corners of his mouth. And there was no escaping the bruises and scrapes that marred his beautiful face.

“Why do you do it?” She hadn’t meant to speak, had truly meant to let him set the pace. But she couldn’t help it. She had no idea what John wanted from her, needed from her, but pretending to be something she wasn’t wouldn’t help either of them. “What makes you go out there and put your life on the line?”

He let the question hang in the warm breeze for so long, she thought he wouldn’t answer her. Then he said quite simply, “Because I can. Because I’m good at it.” He didn’t look at her, but his fingers tightened a bit. “Because, as unfortunate as it is, there’s a need for people like me to do this.” He paused, then added, “And it’s the only way I’ve found I can let myself be needed.”

“People like you?”

“Loners. People who can remain insular. Not many can.”

The revelation didn’t surprise her; that he’d shared it with her had. It occurred to her that she knew very little about him. “Isn’t there anyone you need, anyone who needs you? What about family?”

“I have none. None left, anyway. I was a late-life surprise to my parents. My dad was in the military, so we never stayed in one place too long.”

“No ties,” she murmured.

He nodded. “My mom was the quintessential military wife. Everything she did was for my father and his career. I’m not sure she ever knew quite what to do with me. I don’t think she could figure out how being a mother could fit in with the role she’d assigned herself in his life. He was proud to have a son, though, so she took that and ran with it. It was our job to make him proud of us.”

“They sound pretty self-involved.” He glanced at her. “I don’t necessarily mean that as a indictment,” she said. “I didn’t know them. Just … Were you ever close to either of them?”

“I loved them.” He looked ahead, down the path. “But no, I wasn’t. Not in the way I think you mean. They’ve both been gone for a long time. Since before I joined the Circle. I was in the army when they died.”

“Was that to make your dad proud too?”

She was surprised but pleased to see his lips curve a bit. “In a way. Dad was air force.”

Cali smiled dryly. “I’m shocked.”

He glanced at her. “Yeah, right. I guess you better than anyone can relate to parental pressure and expectations.” He grinned. “Not that you would ever do anything rebellious.”

His smile made her skin heat, her heart pound, and her thighs tighten up a bit. The man could turn on the charm.

“Not me,” she responded, struggling to keep her tone dry and teasing. They walked on in silence, each of their gazes drifting to the dirt track. Her thoughts slowly spun inward. She thought of what his life had been like. “I guess it’s tough to form attachments, build relationships, without the foundation for it.”

He squeezed her hand. A hot thrill raced up her arm. She liked connecting with him, liked that he felt it too.

“Probably not as hard as I made it,” he said. “Lot’s of people have older parents; even more are military brats. I got used to taking care of myself, relying on myself. I made friends okay, I just never stayed in one place long enough to keep them. And that held true in the military as well. I still connect with people around me; I operate better that way.”

“Like Nathan.”

He nodded. “And others. You close yourself completely off and you get out of touch with what makes people tick. In my line of work, you need to have that sensitivity.” He shrugged. “I don’t let myself rely on them, that’s all.”

“That’s no small thing.”

“No. But it’s easier. I think one of the reasons I
joined the Circle was because it emphasized those very qualities. It sort of gave me permission to stay that way, not to take those risks.”

Cali laughed.

He glanced sharply at her. “What’s so funny about that?”

“I think it’s interesting that you feel safer in an environment where you risk your life rather than your heart.”

He tugged her to a stop, turning her to face him. His expression was so serious, she sobered instantly. “I was merely making an observation,” she said gently. “Not passing judgment. I’d be the last person to do that.”

“You’re right. It is easier to risk my life. Much more controlled and calculated.”

“Have you ever risked your heart?”

She felt his hold on her hands gradually increase in pressure, but wasn’t sure he realized it.

“Only once. I’d rather risk my life. I understand that territory.”

Now it was she who had to take a risk. She understood now what he meant. Terrified, with no road map to guide her, no guarantee of what she would find upon arriving, she found herself too intrigued, too tempted, to turn back. Her only option was to take the plunge.

“What happened?”

He reached up and stroked her cheek. His touch was achingly gentle. “The heart mine wanted was already taken.”

She felt her eyes burn at the dull pain she heard underlying his words. Pain he’d lived with for a long time, judging by the sounds of it. “I’m sorry.” She meant it. She’d only had Nathan for a short time, but it had been worth it despite its painfully abrupt end. She stopped herself short of wondering who John had wanted so badly. It was far too easy to project herself into that role.

Still, she heard herself say, “There are many other hearts out there, John.” Her own ached.

“Tell that to mine.” He slid his fingertips over her lips, pressing them shut when she would have spoken. “It’s only ever wanted one.”

Her voice caught in her throat, along with her breath. He didn’t mean, couldn’t … But he was talking about his past. And their past had been during the time she’d been married to— Her eyes widened.
The heart I wanted was already taken
.

No. She was mistaken. She was reading too much into his expression. It was fatigue and stress making her fanciful. It was need and want, she told herself. She swallowed, still unable to speak. Ridiculous. He couldn’t have felt that way.…

But it explained too many things. In fact, it explained everything.

He dropped her hand and turned away. She reached out, snagged his hand, and tugged him back.

“What do you mean?” she demanded. “And no more talking in circles.”

He swore under his breath, then looked back to her. “See, this is why I don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Put my heart out there. It scares the daylights out of me.”

Even as her heart began to pound, as her mind clamored to believe he was talking about her, joy began to bubble inside her. Joy and hope. How long had it been since she’d taken this sweet, scary thrill ride? Ten years, she acknowledged.

Well
, her inner voice queried,
isn’t it about time to buy another ticket?

Scared to death and loving it, a small, knowing, entirely female smile curved her lips. “Join the crowd, McShane.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Do you think it’s ever easy? That no one else ever feels like this, the loss of control, the scary ‘I’m stepping off a cliff and what if no one catches me?’ feeling?”

“Feels like this?” he repeated. “What do you think I feel?” His grip on her shoulders tightened. “What do you feel?”

Her heart was pounding so hard now, she could barely hear her own jumbled thoughts, much less his low purr of a voice. “Not fair, McShane.” Her voice wavered. She tried to step back, but he pulled her closer.

His knees brushed her thighs, his hips pressed above hers. She felt him, hard and warm and strong. She wanted to lean into him, melt into him. She trembled and tried desperately to put together a decent
sentence and lock her knees to keep them from buckling at the same time.

“You started this discussion,” she said as he moved even closer. “You first.”

“Look at me, Cali.”

Oh God, she thought. Ten years. Here I am at the edge of the cliff again. She was afraid to look, afraid to see how high up she was this time.

His grip gentled, his fingers stroked her shoulders to the base of her neck. “Maybe it’s easier if we both go at the same time.” His voice gentled with his touch. “I’ll catch you if you catch me.”

He prodded her with his fingers. She looked up. “Deal.”

He lowered his mouth to hers. His lips were warm, his tongue, as it slid into her mouth, was hot and wet. She slid her arm around his waist. He flinched and she immediately tried to move away.

“No, don’t,” he said against her mouth. He pulled her hand back around his waist. “I’m just a little sore, that’s all.”

She smoothed her palm across his lower back and eased herself closer to him.

A deep sigh rose inside him and escaped slowly. Cali felt herself sigh too.

“That’s it, Cali.” He let her hand go and slid his arms around her, pulling her tightly into his embrace. He nuzzled aside the hair by her ear and kissed her neck. “Don’t ever let me go.” His words were a dark whisper, filled with need.

Cali heard that, felt it inside her soul. She lifted
her lips to his chin, then his jaw, then his neck. She worked her way to his ear, thrilling at the trembling shimmer she felt race over him as she bit softly on his earlobe. “I need you, too, John McShane. I need you too.”

He groaned and took her mouth hard and fast. Her legs were shaking, and she clutched at him as she returned his kiss. She felt at once wild and reckless and connected and cared for.

As his mouth moved to the soft skin above her collarbone, his hands slid up her waist and around front and cupped her breasts. The moan rose and erupted from deep within her as his fingers flicked softly over her tightened nipples. Her knees buckled, and he caught her to him, turning both of them around as they stumble-walked into the thick, green grass. She couldn’t have said who pulled whom down, but they were sprawled in the grass and on each other before her thoughts formed any sort of rational pattern.

John slid her T-shirt from her jeans and pushed it up and over her bra. He flicked the front open before she could grab it and wrench it off.

“God, I’ve never needed like this.” She was panting.

He suckled first one nipple, then the other, eliciting moans from someplace deep inside her.

“Join the club, Ellis,” he said, echoing her earlier words, his voice all rumbly and deep against the ultrasensitive skin he was stroking with his lips.

She moved enough to get her shirt off. He pulled
his off, flipped it behind him, rolled to his back, and pulled her on top of him. The sight of the black-and-blue marks marring his muscled chest and ribs made her gasp and had her trying to lever her weight off of him. He instantly clamped her tightly to him.

“But your ribs, and—”

“I meant what I said. I’ve waited ten years for you to turn to me. Don’t let me go now, Cali.”

She trembled at the bare intensity of his words, his stark need. She brushed her fingertips over one particularly nasty welt. “But you’re hurt.” She looked at him, eyes burning. “Because of me. I can’t—”

“I’m only feeling pain in one place right now,” he said, then shut up any further protests with another soul-shattering kiss.