Silver & Black (3 page)

Fuck, Silver’s in there.
“I’m not alone,” I say and he pulls away. “Mr. Silver is over.”

“What the fuck is he doing here?”

“I don’t know. He was just about to tell me when you knocked. Just come in, who cares what he thinks,” I say, and open the door without giving Jeff a chance of rebuttal. Whether Jeff likes it or not, Silver knows he’s here.

~Chapter Three~

Silver is standing by the couch when I open the door. He had put the joint out in the ashtray. I’m pretty sure he heard us in the hall. Jeff looks like a deer in headlights.
Why does he freeze like this?
I grab Jeff’s hand and look at Silver. I could care less what he thinks of me and Jeff, or maybe it’s because I’m high and have no common sense right now.
Who knows? Who cares? I want Jeff naked now.

“Is this something we can talk about tomorrow? Jeff and I need to talk.” His face is serious and he frowns as I say those words, but he doesn’t respond. Instead, he looks Jeff in the eyes. I can feel Jeff’s hand tense. “This has nothing to do with you. What we do when we’re not at work is none of your business.”
Ok, I said it. Someone had to; Jeff wasn’t going to man up.

“You’re right. We can talk tomorrow.”
Well, that was easy, too easy.
He walks slowly to the door. He stops next to Jeff’s shoulder and glares at him. “Give Mr. Black my phone number.” Jeff nods, but doesn’t make eye contact with him.
Grab your balls, baby. Be a man!
Silver then turns his eyes to me. He smiles politely. “Have fun.” I think he actually means it. This pot has my mind messed up. This whole evening is a rollercoaster of emotions.

“Thank you.” I let go of Jeff’s hand to hold the door for Silver as he walks out. I watch him get into the elevator, his eyes glued compellingly to mine.
Why does his stare have so much of an impact on me?
I feel heat growing in me after then the elevator doors shut.

I turn back into my apartment and shut the door. Jeff is sitting in the chair. I stroll over to him and kneel in front. He smiles and pulls me up for a kiss. I reach for the buttons on his shirt and unbutton them one by one, kissing his chest with every clasp undone. He pulls my T-shirt off and throws it on the couch. I stand and straddle him in the chair.
God, I just want him to take me now. Why do I do this to myself?
He goes slowly: tasting every inch of my skin, caressing every part of me. I pull away and hold his face. His eyes are wet and then it hit me. I knew. This was it for him
.
I can’t move.
I don’t want it to end.
He strokes my face and rubs his thumb over my bottom lip. My eyes instinctively close at his touch. “Jeff, I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Sure you can.” He pulls me into a passionate kiss.

“You really mean it don’t you? This is it.” He doesn’t say a word as his hands reach for the button on my jeans. “Jeff?”
Oh, God,
the tears start falling from his eyes.

“I love you, Grey.” My heart fails.
What?
“I do. I love you.” I stand and just shake my head.

“You love me, but you want to leave me?”
For a woman!

“It’s what I have to do.”

“That makes no sense. Why are you doing this to me?” I sit and bury my head in my hands. He rushes to my side. “Why am I doing this to myself?”

“My family is very conservative, Grey. If I bring a man home, I’ll never inherit.” I couldn’t believe he was saying that to me. “It’s my lifeline. It’s how I’ll eventually buy my franchise of
Silver Coffee.
They have expectations and truthfully, so do I.”

“Fuck you and your expectations.” I get up and storm to the bathroom. The tears fall freely from my face and I don’t know if they’re from sadness or anger.
Expectations?

“Grey, I’m not explaining this very well.”
Ha, you’re telling me!
“Come out so we can talk, please. Let me see those big brown eyes of yours.” I open the door and walk past him to the couch. I hate that he thinks he can charm his way with me. I’m not easily wooed.

“Please, don’t talk to me like I’m a child. I’m a man. I don’t need sugar coating.” I take the joint out of the ashtray and light it.

“I never thought I would care for a man the way I do for you. It scares the shit out of me. I wasn’t raised like this.”

“Like what?
Gay
?” I hit the joint again. He comes over and takes it from my hand and hits it himself.

“I’m not gay. I have to be bi, if anything.” He has no clue. He’s been in denial too long. “I like women. I like Callie.”

“Callie? Is that her name?”
Of course, she would have to have a cute name too.

“Yeah, and my parents like her.” He introduced her to his parents. The knife goes deeper. “Grey, I don’t understand why we can’t just keep doing what we’re doing. No one has to know.”

“You mean fucking?”
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

“Making love; I hate when you say I’m fucking you. I don’t think of it that way.”

“Are you fucking Callie? Or are you
making love
to her as well?” He looks away and sighs. I fire back. “Well?’

“Well what?” He shoots straight up and runs his hands angrily over his hair. “God, Grey. No, I’m not in love with Callie. So yeah, I’m fucking her. Does that make you feel better? I’m a fucking joke.” I go to him and pull him into my arms. I never realized that he was struggling so much. I feel my shirt dampen with his tears and hear the sound of sniffing. “I’m sorry. Grey, I would give anything to change this.”

“A lot of men and women go through this with their families. Maybe you need to give them the benefit of the doubt or maybe you need to put yourself first. You’re thirty years old, baby, it’s time.”

He doesn’t like my comment. He pushes off and turns away from me. “It’s what I want too.”

“But?”
You said you loved me.

“But nothing. I want a wife, kids, and a fucking house with a white picket fence. I want the postcard family. I want to come home to a home-cooked meal that my pregnant barefoot wife was slaving over. I want to rub her swollen belly until she falls asleep in my arms. It’s been the picture in my head since I was young. It’s been that picture until I met you.”

“It’s a nice picture. I’m sorry I screwed that up for you.” I close my eyes as the tears start again.

“It isn’t you. It’s me. It’s all me. How can I have that if I’m in love with a man?”

“You can have that; the picture’s just a little different. Lots of men get married and have kids, and they even have the house with the white picket fence.”

“I can’t.”

“You won’t, there’s a big difference.”

“You’re right. But I need you too.” It was dead silent for what felt like forever. “I want both.”

“You can’t have both. Did you ever think about me? Do you think I deserve to watch you get married and have kids when I want to be the one there with you?”

“Grey, I don’t know how to do this. How do I tell you that you deserve something I can’t give?”

“You won’t give, get it right. Do you want to know what I want? Hmm?” I ask and he looks me in the eyes. “I want to get married. I want to watch my baby being born. I want to be sleep-deprived from midnight feedings, and I want to teach him or her how to play football. I want a dog and a house with a
fucking
white picket fence. Now do you want to know what I
deserve
? I deserve a man that wants to be with me, not behind closed doors in secret, but in front of everyone. I deserve to be kissed like he’s proud of the person that I am, not ashamed. I deserve to be his prince. I deserve to be loved the way Callie does.” He starts to weep uncontrollably. He shields his face with his hands.
It kills me to see him hurt, but he is hurting me too.
“I think we’re done, Jeff. We’re done. I really do hope that everything works out for you.” He tries to stop the tears long enough to talk, but fails. He nods and rubs his nose.
Where is my strength coming from? I must be all cried out.

“Will you keep working until I find someone else? We can still be friends.”

“Were we ever really friends, Jeff? But we’ll try. Work, um, that’s fine. I’ll work until you find a replacement for me or I find something else.”

“I couldn’t replace you.”
You already did.
He stands and walks to the door. I follow and hold the door for him. “You know this wasn’t how I thought this night would end.” He locks his brown eyes to mine. “But at least you know I loved you.”

“Love
d
?” I ask.
Why did I ask?
He positions himself directly in front of me, our noses aligned.
Breathe.

“Love no D.” He lays a simple and tender kiss on my lips then turns and walks away.

****

I sleep like shit. I couldn’t get Jeff out of my head.
Or heart.
I hate feeling this way. I don’t consider myself a sentimental man at all, but his indecisiveness has really messed me up. I’m out and proud. I was lucky my family was supportive. I’m an only child and I was raised by my mom and ex-step dad. My mom passed away when I was fifteen. My real dad took me in. I guess I should say I was lucky up to that point. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of his house. He was heavy into drugs. That was the reason my mom left him and raised me on her own. I just remember my mom saying that he was sick and needed help. My opinion is he’s an asshole. My mom was a rock star for me. Supermom was an understatement. I wouldn’t be the man I am if it wasn’t for her. Lord, knows I don’t owe my dad anything. My mom on the other hand, I miss her.
Ok, Grey, get yourself together. No pity parties here.

I shuffle through the pile of clothes on my floor. I have to do laundry tonight. I get my usual attire ready for my shift at the coffeehouse. Of course, Jeff is opening with me. This is a situation destined to be slow torture, but it’s how it will be from now on, until he finds my replace my position.
Maybe Callie can take my place there, too.
I’m going to go in there and be my normal self. I’m not playing the victim anymore. I want him to see what a strong man looks like
.
I grab my bag, my cellphone, and earbuds for the subway ride. Maybe I can get lost in a little music for the twenty-minute commute. I walk outside of my apartment and there is a black Mercedes S63 parked in front.
Silver?
It has to be. We don’t see many vehicles like that parked here.

Silver exits the car. He’s in the back this time. He stands with those sunglasses on his face. “Good morning.”

“Uh, good morning. Why are you here?”

“I thought you might like a ride to work instead of taking the crowded subway.”

“I like the subway. I’m a people watcher.” He smiles at my words.

“Well, the subway is perfect for that. Let me word this differently: I would like to drive you to work, please.”
Silver said PLEASE. Whoa.

“Ok, we can talk about why you stopped by here last night,” I say. He nods and holds the door as I get in. He walks around to the other side and joins me in the back seat. He orders his driver to take us to the
Silver Coffee
in Brooklyn
.
I put my phone and earbuds in my bag. The music will have to wait. 

“Are you hungry? I can have Connor stop and pick you up something.”
Connor must be the driver, duh. My mind is frazzled.

“No, I’m ok. I had some toast before I came down.”

“Toast? Well, hardly a breakfast. I’m starving so I’m going to have Connor pull into a drive-thru somewhere. Maybe McDonald’s?”
Silver eats McDonald’s? Why is this amusing to me?

“I don’t see you as a fast-food eater,” I say as the driver pulls into the line at the drive-thru.

“I’m not, but I’m trying new things.” He smiles. “Now what do you want. Toast isn’t enough.” He is stopping just for me. The smirk on his face gives it away. I give him my order. I was hungry after all. Connor pulls away and we indulge in some greasy goodness. I couldn’t help but chuckle at Silver and how he is scrunching his nose with every bite. “Ok, new things definitely do
not
include this.” He laughs. His laugh is almost boyish
.

“That’s because you ordered the egg white. Here try this bad stuff.” I hold up my sausage egg McMuffin. “It’s greasy goodness.” He hesitates, and I pooch out my bottom lip. “One bite,” I say to tempt him. He takes a deep breath and holds my hand while he nipples a part off. “Huh? It’s good, right?”

“It’s good.” He grins as he swallows. “But I think I like the handler.”
He clears his throat. “Mr. Black, the reason I came over last night was: one, to make sure you were ok and two, because I wanted to talk to you about a position I have open.”

“Position?”

“That’s right. I have a position open at the club and I think you’ll be perfect for it.”

“A job? What about the coffeehouse?”
And Jeff.

“I would assume that after what Jeff did, it would be hard to work under him and I feel you are an asset to my company. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m an hourly employee making minimum wage. We’re hired by the dozen, why am I an ‘asset’?”

“Because I see something different in you.” He locks his eyes to mine and I’m not sure whether to keep staring or to look away. “Please, come to dinner tonight at my place and we’ll talk. We can go over everything and then you can decide. Just hear me out.”