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Authors: Wanda B. Campbell

BOOK: Silver Lining
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It was then that she realized he was serious, and she stopped laughing. “Kevin, what memories are you talking about?”
With the assistance of his crutch, Kevin walked over to the bed and sat down. He inhaled and exhaled several times, trying to maintain his courage. Finally, he just let it all out.
“You haven't been the same since seeing my body without the prosthesis on our wedding night. I traumatized you to the point that you started drinking.”
Marlissa walked over and stood next to him. “Honey, I don't know what you're talking about.”
It was embarrassing enough for him to talk about it, but Marlissa's naiveté infuriated him. “Don't protect my feelings by denying it happened!” He pounded his fist on the bed. “You took one look at me and ran away, screaming. When the manager brought you back, you were wasted, and stayed that way most of our marriage. You had to be drunk to make love to me the first time and the few uneventful times after that. You wouldn't look at me. You covered your eyes just like you did a few minutes ago.”
The pain etched on Kevin's face was authentic, the quiver in his voice genuine. He believed what he was saying. His perception was his total reality of what had gone wrong with their marriage. Marlissa sat down next to him. Placing her hand on his shoulder, she spoke softly. “Do you really believe your disfigurement is the reason I started drinking? Do you honestly think I left you because of your body?”
“It's not a matter of thinking it, your actions proved it.” Marlissa looked away. “Marlissa,” he sighed. “Some things can't be fixed. Maybe our marriage is one of those things. I can't change my body.”
Marlissa's head fell along with her shoulders. Kevin knew she was crying, but he couldn't console her now that his wounds were exposed. A part of him wanted her to confirm his feelings and leave. But the other part, the part that loved her, was terrified of the possibility.
Marlissa stopped sniffling and held his hand. “Kevin, I love your body. I have always loved your body. Your body is beautiful to me just the way it is, every inch of it.” She kissed his fingers. “You have to believe me.”
Taking his fingers back, Kevin was unmoved. “I want to, but the evidence proves differently.”
Instead of retreating, she positioned herself on the bed with her back against the pillows alongside him. She wasn't giving up.
“Kevin, I know it's late and you have surgery in the morning, but I need to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago. It may take awhile, but please, bear with me. I promise, it'll explain a lot.”
Both his heart and curiosity got the best of him. He rested his back against the headboard. “I'm listening.”
Marlissa switched positions, then removed her shoes and sat Indian style with her hands folded. She kept her head bowed so long that Kevin asked if she was praying. She was.
“As you know,” she finally began, using the cherry wood armoire as a focal point. “My grandmother raised me after my mother died. My grandmother was good to me; for the most part I didn't lack anything and she instilled good morals and values in me. She was also very strict. My grandmother didn't allow me to date or even talk to boys over the phone until I was fifteen. I couldn't even walk to the store with a boy. One Sunday, a boy from the church she sent me to walked me home. I didn't think he liked me beyond friendship, but it didn't matter to Grandma. She didn't send me to church after that.”
Kevin folded his arms and wondered down what lane this story would take him.
“I had my first real boyfriend at sixteen. His name was Darius. I was a sophomore, he was a senior. I felt special having an older boyfriend, considering I was totally inexperienced when it came to boys. I was so naive I didn't know what was meant by ‘do you have any fries to go with that shake.'” Marlissa chuckled.
“That's pretty bad.” Kevin nodded.
“Anyway,” she continued, still focusing on the armoire. “It was obvious that Darius had a lot more experience than I had. I just didn't know how much experience. He was the varsity quarterback and on his way to Grambling State on a full scholarship. Since I had to hide our relationship from Grandma, we didn't talk on the phone. I'd meet him around the corner from the house and he would drive me to and from school. At school we didn't communicate though. Darius said he didn't want people in his business and asked that I keep our relationship a secret. Having a secret affair with one of the most popular boys in school really made me feel special. I thought I was in love.”
Kevin became concerned when he noticed Marlissa rubbing her hands vigorously and the faraway look in her eyes. Mentally, Marlissa was someplace else, somewhere very painful, but she kept talking to the armoire.
“One morning after he picked me up, Darius said he forgot an English assignment that was due that morning. It was a Wednesday. He asked if I would mind returning to his house for a quick minute. I said I didn't. When we got there, he asked if I wanted to come in and I said yes. Maybe if I'd had more experience I would have noticed something was wrong, but I didn't. If I wasn't so in love, I would have asked why the sign on the door read, ‘Welcome to the Johnstons.' Darius's last name was Townsend. I went into the house, just smiling and laughing at his jokes. Darius was funny,” she added matter-of-factly. “Once inside, I stopped laughing.”
Marlissa had stopped rubbing her hands. She now twisted the ends of the down comforter. Kevin shook off the thought of what he logically assumed happened next. There was a happy ending to this story, there had to be. Marlissa was still a virgin when they met.
“Four of Darius's friends, who I had never seen before, were inside. I wasn't afraid of them because Darius was still holding my hand. That's how much I trusted him. The house was filled with this strange smell. I didn't know it was marijuana until I saw one of the guys pass the little white roll to Darius. Up until that moment I didn't know Darius smoked anything. I still wasn't scared, though.”
Marlissa closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath. She moaned while moving her head from side to side. In her hands, the end of the down comforter was now ripped and its contents spilled out. Kevin knew then that what she was about to say next was far worse than what he had imagined. He couldn't stand seeing her this way; it was too painful for him.
“'Lissa, stop. I get the picture.”
She didn't hear him. “When they picked me up and carried me into somebody's room and tied me to the bed, that's when I got scared. It all happened so fast. One minute I was standing next to Darius, the next minute I was hollering and screaming for help. I must have screamed real loud because then they gagged me with a shirt or something.” Marlissa held conversation with the armoire again. “When Darius stood over me, for some stupid reason, I thought he was going help me. I was his girl; he wasn't just going to sit back quietly and let his boys take what I was saving for him. The Darius I loved wouldn't allow that to happen. He did speak up. His exact words were, ‘Since I picked her, I get to bust first.'”
Kevin groaned, but she was in too deep to hear him.
“My guess is that I wasn't the first one. Darius and his boys systematically raped me. They called it running a train.” Marlissa looked perplexed. “Maybe that's why they kept making those train noises. Anyway, after Darius shamelessly stole my virginity, I spent the entire school day being treated like a human garbage can.” Her voice fell to just above a whisper. “Five people, four of whom I didn't even know, penetrated my every opening, sometimes simultaneously. I didn't know you could use your mouth to have sex. I don't remember everything; for a while I blacked out. I do remember praying and begging God to make them stop, but it didn't work. I didn't pray anymore after that.”
Kevin didn't have any tissue nearby and he didn't want to leave her trembling body alone. He removed a pillowcase and used it to wipe her face.
“When they were done, Darius dropped me off at the usual corner like always, but not before threatening me not to tell. The next day I saw him at school kissing another girl. He never spoke to me again.”
“I never told my grandmother or anyone else. Who could I tell? I wasn't supposed to have a boyfriend anyway. I aimlessly walked into the house at the normal time as if nothing had happened. Grandma was out shopping so I didn't have to face her. I took a bath three times that evening and twice in the morning. It would be a week before the pain and swelling completely went away. Thankfully, I didn't get pregnant. I did contract an STD that I was secretly treated for at a free local clinic.”
For the first time she discerned Kevin's arm around her. “I'm almost done,” she said, noting the distress that veiled his face.
“For years I tried hard to bury those memories. I tried to convince myself that they didn't exist, that it was all a bad dream. A horror film I'd seen on the big screen. I even told myself that I was still a virgin. But the memories wouldn't go away. The visions, the laughter, the smell, and that awful pain, none of it would go away. I started drinking as a way to help me forget.” Looking him in the eyes, she told him the truth. “Kevin, I was drinking long before I met you. In fact, the day we met I was rushing to buy some vodka that was on sale. That's how I ran into your cart. I was going to buy some other items, but that was my main staple.”
Kevin looked perplexed. “You didn't drink while we dated.”
“I stopped drinking because there was something about you that intrigued me. I sobered up so I could get to know you, and then I stayed sober because when I was with you, I didn't hurt as much. You always made me feel safe. That's why I liked to cuddle so much. Being with you pushed my fears away and made me want to love and be loved. Thank you,” she said, then kissed his cheek.
“When I accepted your marriage proposal, I really thought I was over my demons. But that night when you stood over me, everything came rushing back. Yes, I did trip out, but, Kevin, it had nothing to do with you or your body. I was in the room with you, but I was screaming at Darius and four nameless faces. The few times we were intimate were very difficult for me. And, yes, I did use alcohol to help me relax enough to be intimate with you, but I only closed my eyes to block out visions of the past, not you. You have to believe that.”
For Marlissa it felt like an eternity waiting for Kevin to respond. “Why didn't you tell me this before?” he finally replied.
“It was too painful, and, besides, I had lied to you about being a virgin. You said you were saving yourself for your wife. I was afraid you wouldn't want me if you knew how many males had penetrated me. I was damaged goods. With your mother relentlessly preaching against women who weren't pure and holy, women like me, I assumed you felt the same. Plus, I really thought I was over it.”
Marlissa answered his next question before he could ask. “Kevin, I left because I was hurting you and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't handle my demons, so I reverted to what was familiar, alcohol. I was too weak to fight and I couldn't stop hurting you. I hated myself for that, so I gave up and left. I gave up the fight and on myself. You deserved so much better than what I was capable of giving you. I love you too much to ever hurt you. I know that sounds crazy, but it's the truth.”
Kevin pulled Marlissa as close to him as humanly possible, and held her for a long time. He listened to her cries while rubbing her back. “Do I still make you feel safe?” he asked as he wiped her face.
“Always.”
He kissed her tenderly, and then turned out the light.
Chapter 17
“B
rat, get up!” Leon banged on Marlissa's door on the way to his room. “Hurry up, woman, I got a praise report.”
“Me too,” Marlissa announced, stepping into the apartment.
Leon shook his head. “Hold on, neither one of us stayed here last night?” Leon asked excitedly.
“Apparently not.” Marlissa dropped her purse on the couch.
The friends stood grinning at each other, waiting for what they hoped was good news.
“Since I am the oldest, I will go first,” Leon decided, and didn't allow time for Marlissa to disagree. “Consider yourself notified: in thirty days I'm going home to mama!” he bellowed while shaking his key ring. Marlissa screamed and hugged Leon, then the two performed a praise victory dance complete with speaking in tongues.
“I am so happy for the two of you.” She listened to him explain about Starla wanting to find some answers to her past. “I'll be praying for her.”
“Now, why are you looking so serene at seven o'clock in the morning?” Leon folded his arms and leaned against the wall. “Spill it, brat.”
“I got a new key too,” Marlissa beamed. “He didn't ask me to move back in, but he gave me a key so I can get in anytime I want.” She went on to tell Leon about the fireworks and the misunderstanding.
“It's about time you told him the truth. I bet you feel a lot better.”
“I do feel better,” Marlissa admitted. “If I'd known he felt that way, I would have told him sooner. What's strange is that I thought the truth would pull him away from me, but after I told him, we were closer than ever.”
Leon raised an eyebrow. “Just how much closer were you?”
Marlissa rolled her eyes. “No closer than you and Starla.”
“I ain't mad at'cha.” Leon turned serious. “Are you going to be able to handle this place by yourself?”
“If not, I'll just have to move into that big house with my fine husband,” she teased.
“How soon do you think that will be?” Leon was concerned about her being alone.
“I think very soon. Last night we made major progress. He didn't say it, but I know Kevin loves me. It was written all over his face and I felt it in the way he made—”
Leon waved his hands in the air. “Hold up! That's too much information.”
“Mr. Don't Know Nothing At All, I was going to say the way he made me feel safe after I poured my past out to him.” Marlissa knelt in front of the couch. “For your information, Kevin and I didn't hold any championship wrestling matches last night. We cuddled.”
“Oh, he's the
sensitive
type,” Leon said, kneeling beside her.
Marlissa rolled her eyes once again. “No, he's
my
type.”
“I am happy for you, brat, for both of us.” Leon checked his watch. “We'd better hurry before we're late for work.”
“A few extra minutes won't hurt. We owe God that.” Marlissa reached for Leon's hand and began praying.
 
 
Kevin held his sterile, gloved hands out in front of him and prayed once again. He always said at least one prayer for a successful outcome before each surgery. Now, standing above the anesthetized patient, Kevin was on his third prayer. He'd performed at least a hundred corneal transplants; it was one of his specialties. But never had he picked up a surgical instrument after being up for twenty-four hours straight, and never had his mind been so preoccupied before a surgery.
In the past, Kevin had always been able to put his personal life on the back burner once he scrubbed. He couldn't do that today. Kevin was more than physically tired; he was mentally drained. Marlissa's revelations had taken him on an emotional roller coaster ride that was still taking him through loops and upside-down sharp turns hours later.
Long after Marlissa had fallen asleep in his arms, Kevin lay there holding her and praying for her. At times, he shed silent tears thinking about the barbaric abuse she'd endured at such a young age. When the alarm sounded at 5:00
A.M.
, he still wasn't ready to leave her. She looked so peaceful entwined with the now-ruined comforter. Her dark brown tresses were splayed out on the pillow, and the residue of dried drool stained her face, but Marlissa was beautiful. Kevin couldn't remember if he had ever seen her so tranquil. Marlissa tossed and turned all night, every night, when they previously shared the same bed. Last night Marlissa barely moved at all, but then Kevin was holding her so tightly, she probably couldn't move if she wanted to.
He didn't wake Marlissa until it was time for him to leave, wanting her to rest as long as possible. Figuring Marlissa didn't want to miss work, he reluctantly stirred her.
“'Lissa, I'm leaving now,” he whispered into her ear before kissing her on the forehead.
“What time is it?” She stretched, but didn't open her eyes.
“Six.” Kevin took her hand and something shiny glared. It was a key. She opened her eyes wider. “That's a new key. I had the locks changed a few weeks ago.”
“I'll leave it in the mailbox.” Marlissa squeezed her hand shut and looked inquisitively at Kevin.
“Keep it,” he replied quickly, then added, “use it often.”
Marlissa didn't ask questions and Kevin didn't offer clarification. Each accepted the moment for what it was: a step in the right direction.
“I left some money for you to buy a new comforter and a day at the spa. You used to enjoy that.” Kevin brushed the back of his hand across her cheek.
“Thank you, sweetheart.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I would kiss you, but one whiff of this morning breath and you may fall out under the power.”
“Save it for me.” Kevin gazed at her like he wanted to say something, but didn't. Following a quick word of prayer, he left.
Now, as he awaited the signal from the anesthesiologist, so many things made sense to him. The reason she accused him of being a rapist that first day. Why she found it hard to trust him in the beginning. The way she always jumped and appeared frightened whenever he touched her from behind. Why she resisted him so much.
Marlissa was a new woman, a woman he could now understand. She was ready and willing to love him. Presently, he wanted nothing more than to love her back; he just wasn't ready to tell her that.
“Dr. Jennings, we're ready,” the anesthesiologist announced.
Kevin prayed one more time before accepting the surgical instrument.

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