Silver Wedding (30 page)

‘Why didn’t you tell me anything about … er … Tony?’ she asked eventually.

‘Well there wasn’t all that much to tell until we decided to go on this cruise together, and then as soon as we set off on that I
did
tell you.’ Mother spread out her hands as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

‘And Gerard, and Barbara … do they … did they …?’

‘Well they know Tony’s a friend of mine, and naturally I told them our holiday plans.’

‘And were they … did they …?’

‘Gerard drove us to the airport this morning. Tony’s right, he’s green with envy, he keeps saying it’s just what he needs. He works too hard, he
should
take time off, and he can well afford it. Maybe this is the spur.’

‘But did he say … what did he think …?’

‘He didn’t say that he’d take a holiday, and you know Gerard, he probably is thinking about it.’

Could Mother really misunderstand her or was this deliberate? Deirdre was not going to be brushed aside.

‘What about Barbara and Jack? What do they think of you going away with a man?’

‘Dearest Deirdre, I’m not going away with a man in that sense, I am going away on holiday certainly and I am going with Tony, and yes indeed he is a man. What do you mean, what do they think? They don’t think at all, I am perfectly sure.’

‘But Jack’s family …’

As long as Deirdre could remember, Jack’s family had been spoken of with some kind of awe. His father was a High Court Judge, his uncle was an Ambassador. Barbara had done what the O’Hagan family had wanted by marrying such style, instead of what she, Deirdre the eldest, had done – marrying a nobody and doing it in a great hurry.

But Mother looked totally bewildered.

‘Jack’s family?’ she repeated as if Deirdre had somehow begun to speak in a foreign language. ‘What on earth connection have they with anything?’

‘You know …’

‘I don’t think they ever met Tony. No, I’m sure they didn’t. Why do you ask?’

Deirdre looked hard at her mother. Mother knew bloody well why she asked. She asked because the high
and
mighty Jack’s family were always mentioned. They had been mentioned since Deirdre’s young sister Barbara had started walking out with a son of the well-connected tribe. Deirdre remembered the huge wedding, given for Barbara, with the marquee, the witty speeches, the politicians and the photographers. It had been very different from her own wedding day. And now suddenly Jack’s almighty clan didn’t seem important any more.

Feeling a flush darken her cheek, she spoke directly to her mother.

‘And do you and … Tony … have any further plans … like after the cruise, do you think you might get married or anything?’

‘Do try to keep the surprise out of your voice,’ her mother said. ‘Stranger things have happened, you know. But the answer is no. No plans like that.’

‘Oh?’

‘And anyway, enough about me and my trip. Tell me about all your doings.’ Mother smiled in anticipation.

Deirdre looked dour: ‘None of them are anything nearly as interesting as your plans.’

‘Come come, Desmond’s setting up on his own,
and
you’re going to have this whole silver wedding shindig …’

It was such a Tony word, shindig. Mother didn’t speak like that before.

‘Where did you meet him?’ Deirdre asked abruptly.

‘Desmond?’ Now Mother was being playful. ‘When you brought him home of course, and told us about the wedding. But you know that.’

‘I didn’t mean Desmond, and you know that.’ Deirdre was cross. ‘I meant Tony. How did you become involved with him?’

‘We met in the golf club.’

‘Tony’s a member of the golf club?’ The surprise and disbelief were clear in her voice.

‘Yes, he plays off twelve,’ Mother said proudly.

‘But how did he become a member?’ Years ago someone flash like Tony could not have been proposed, it would have been as simple as that. Had her Desmond known how to play golf, which he did not, he would not have been acceptable. How could someone like Tony get in?

‘I’ve no idea, I suppose like we all became members.’ Mother was vague.

‘And do all your other friends know him, did Mrs Barry know him for example?’ Deirdre had chosen Maureen Barry’s mother, the great social barometer of their Dublin. Surely Tony had not been welcomed in her set?

‘Sophie? Yes of course poor Sophie met him from time to time. Sophie Barry didn’t play golf, remember, so she wouldn’t have known him in that context.’

‘Don’t tell me Tony plays bridge?’

‘No, he’s frightfully dismissive of old pussy cats as
he
calls us, spending hour after cheery hour, day after day dealing cards.’

Mother laughed merrily and suddenly her life seemed much more fun than Deirdre’s own. Desperate not to let her mother change the subject again, Deirdre tried once more.

‘And Mother please, what does Gerard think? What does he say? No, not about taking holidays himself, what does he say about you and Tony?’

‘I’ve no idea.’

‘You must know.’

‘No, I mean how would I know? I only know what he says to me, I’ve no idea what he says to anyone else. He has a rather nice girlfriend at the moment, he may talk about it with her, but I imagine not.’ Mother looked supremely unconcerned.

‘But he must … surely …’

‘Listen, Deirdre. Everyone has their own life to lead, Gerard is probably much more worried about his career at the Bar, should he take Silk, should he stop playing the field with these little dolly birds and settle down? He probably worries about his health, he’s nearly forty, he may think a lot about cholesterol and polyunsaturated fats. He might wonder whether to sell his flat and buy a house. What time on earth is there for him to spend thinking about his mother? I ask you!’

‘But if you’re doing something … if you’re getting into something …’

‘I’m sure he thinks I’m old enough to look after myself.’

‘We all have to look after each other,’ Deirdre said a trifle unctuously.

‘That’s where you are totally wrong, we all have to make very sure we don’t interfere in people’s lives. That’s the great sin.’

The unfairness of it stung Deirdre like the lash of a whip. How
dare
Mother come out with this preachy nonsense about not interfering in people’s lives. For a quarter of a century Deirdre had been trying to live up to some kind of image, some expectations for her. She was the daughter for whom there had been such hopes. The eldest of the family, very bright at university, an honours student, she might have taken the Third Sec examination and gone into the Department of External Affairs as it was called then, she might have been on the way to being an ambassador or marrying one. She might have done the Bar as her brother had done. She might have made the brilliant match that her sister Barbara had done.

Instead she had fallen in love one long hot summer, and trapped herself into a strange prison. Where since nothing was good enough for the O’Hagans and their hopes back home then everything must be made to look as if it were.

Deirdre had lived her entire life on this premise, to please the mother who was now sitting opposite her
justifying
her pitiable relationship with a common flashy man by saying that the main rule of living was not to interfere! It was not possible.

Deirdre spoke very slowly: ‘I know what you’re saying but I think it’s important too not to be entirely self-centred and to take the wishes of others into account as well. I mean, did I or did I not spend all my teenage years hearing about people who were suitable, and people who were not suitable?’

‘Not from me you didn’t.’

‘But you were always wanting to know what people’s fathers did, and where they lived?’

‘Out of interest.’ Mother was airy about it. ‘It’s always nice to know who people are in case you knew them years ago or something. That’s all it was about.’

‘No it wasn’t, Mother, you and Mrs Barry …’

‘Oh Deirdre, Sophie Barry had nothing in her whole life except some kind of nonsensical pecking order. Nobody who knew her took a blind bit of notice of it …’

‘Maureen did.’

‘Well more fool Maureen, and anyway I don’t think you’re right, Maureen lived her own life, made her own way despite all poor Sophie’s rubbishing on about being in trade.’

‘You mean to tell me that you and Daddy were perfectly happy that I married Desmond? Don’t try to tell me that. I won’t believe it.’

There were tears in Deirdre’s eyes, tears of rage, hurt and confusion. Suddenly the screen was falling away, the mask was being dropped, she knew she was on dangerous ground here. The polite pretence of years was being swept away.

The woman in the fawn linen suit and the cream blouse looked at her with concern. She began to speak and then stopped.

‘Now, you can’t deny it!’ Deirdre was triumphant.

‘Child, you’re talking about a lifetime ago,’ her mother said.

‘But what I say is true, you did care, you did care that Desmond wasn’t top drawer enough for us.’

‘What do you mean for us? We weren’t marrying him, you were, he was your choice, the words top drawer weren’t even mentioned.’

‘Not aloud maybe.’

‘Not at all. I assure you, your father and I thought you were too young, of course we did, you hadn’t taken your degree, we were afraid you would never get any qualification. In that I suppose we wished you would wait, that was all.’

Deirdre took a deep breath: ‘You knew we couldn’t wait.’

‘I knew you wouldn’t wait, that’s all I knew. You were very determined. I wasn’t going to oppose you.’

‘You knew why.’

‘I knew you loved him or thought you did, now that you’ve stayed with him and are dead set on
having
all this palaver in the autumn then you were probably right, you did love him, and he loved you.’

To Mother it seemed too simple, if you lived together for twenty-five years and were prepared to acknowledge it … you loved each other. Deirdre was thoughtful.

‘Well isn’t that what happened?’ Mother was waiting for a yes or a no or an I told you so.

‘More or less, but no thanks to anyone at home.’ Deirdre was still mulish.

‘I don’t know what exactly it is you’re trying to say, Deirdre. Of all my children I thought you were the most contented. You went for what you wanted, you got it. Nobody forced you to do anything, you had your freedom, you went to university, you could have worked for a living but you never did. Sophie and I used to say that you got everything on a plate, now it seems there’s some grievance.’

Mother was interested but not distressed, she was concerned but not unduly curious. She tossed a salad expertly and waited for an explanation.

‘Why did you let me marry Desmond if you thought I was too young?’

‘I only thought, let’s cause the least grief possible in the world. That’s what I always think. Your father did think you might be pregnant, but I knew you weren’t.’

‘How did you know that?’ Deirdre’s voice was a whisper.

‘Because nobody, not even in the far back year of 1960, would have got married to someone just for that reason if she didn’t want to. And you weren’t. Anna wasn’t born until months and months later, quite wiped poor Sophie’s eye, I think. I have a feeling she had the same thoughts as your father.’

‘Yes.’

‘So, Deirdre, what’s the federal case as they say? What am I meant to have done? We gave our permission. Was that bad? No. We came to the wedding, that’s what you wanted. You said you didn’t want a huge showy number and you wanted it in England, we went along with that. We took Barbara and Gerard out of school for the ceremony.

‘The house is there for you and Desmond to come over and see us but you never do, you came once and you were so touchy we didn’t know what to say to you, everything upset you. We came to see you a few times and we’re all heading over to see you again for your silver wedding, something it may be said that isn’t at all what we’re used to, and somehow still in spite of all this I am the worst in the world, and by implication your father was, and your sister and brother are.’

Eileen O’Hagan mopped up the dressing of her salad with a piece of French bread and looked at her daughter for an explanation.

Deirdre looked at her wordlessly.

The waiter came and took away their plates and discussed at length an apple tart and a burnt cream. Deirdre’s mother went into the option with animation, it gave Deirdre a chance to gather her thoughts.

‘I ordered one of each, I hate to be directive but I thought it best.’

‘That’s fine, Mother.’

‘And what were we talking about before? Oh I know, Daddy and I were meant to have hated Desmond or something, isn’t that it?’

‘Not exactly.’

‘Well not just not exactly, not at all. We both thought he was very nice, bullied within an inch of his life by you of course but then you’d be bound to be a bossy boots, you get it from me.’ Eileen O’Hagan was pleased to have passed on such sterling qualities.

‘What did you say about him to each other?’ Deirdre’s voice was small.

‘Daddy and I? Hardly anything. He was providing for you all right, that was what we worried about I suppose in those days, so it was good that this side of it wasn’t a problem. I think we were upset that you didn’t have a career.’

‘I had three children in rapid succession.’ Deirdre was defensive.

‘Yes, but afterwards. Anyway I suppose we thought that maybe it was a bit hierarchical in that set-up with the Italians, the Palladians …’

‘The Palazzos, Mother.’

‘Yes well, that’s about the only negative thought we ever had about Desmond, so you can stop doing your outraged lioness bit about him.’

Mother laughed affectionately.

Deirdre looked at her as if she were someone never seen before.

‘And Mrs Barry, was she not questioning you about us?’

‘No, sweetheart. To be very honest there wasn’t all that much interest at all. Nobody had. You know that yourself about Dublin, out of sight out of people’s minds and immediate conversation and interest.’

‘But not for you, surely you couldn’t have forgotten me, your eldest daughter.’ Her lip was trembling.