Simply Forbidden (25 page)

He held her gaze, his expression arrested. “You believe me?”

She opened her eyes wide. “We are married. Surely I have to believe in you?”

A muscle twitched in his cheek. “I did it for my mother.”

“Your
mother
?”

“He always used her to keep me under control. He swore he’d kill her if I didn’t allow him to manage the estate until I was well again.”

“And you
believed
him?”

He shrugged. “Of course I did. He’d kept her from me since I was nine years old, why wouldn’t he stoop to murder to retain the Swanfield wealth?” He got to his feet and started to pace the carpet. “And what could I do? I was so broken when I returned from Spain. I had no friends, no reputation, no ability to even get out of my damn bed and strangle the man. I had to agree to his terms. I’ve been fighting to reverse them ever since.”

“Because you no longer believe that he can kill your mother?”

He turned to face her and the grief in his eyes made her want to cry out. “No, because she has completely disappeared.”

“What do you mean?”

Gabriel sat back down. “Mr. Granger wrote to me a few years ago and suggested that I stop my attempts to regain my birthright or he would be forced to discuss my mother. By this point, I was unwilling to leave things to chance or to believe a word my uncle said, so I arranged for a man of mine to visit the Swanfield estate in Cheshire.”

He sighed. “He could find no trace of my mother at the house or in the grounds, and no one would speak of her. I had to assume my uncle had carried through on his threat and murdered her.”

“Why didn’t you confront him with his deeds?”

He met her eyes. “Because, as you so rightly pointed out, I am a coward. I’d had my fill of violence and imprisonment, and I knew that if I saw him at that point, I would kill him.”

“I don’t think you are a coward, Gabriel.”

His smile was guarded. “You will when you hear what else I did this evening. I met your old lover, Lord Nash, at the ball.”

Lisette’s hand pressed to her throat. “He was here? He must have arrived after we left the receiving line.”

“Aye, and he was already busy spreading lies about you in your own home. I had a few words with him, refused to fight him, and let Christian convince him that he had better leave.” He looked away from her. “You should thank your brother really. He was the one who held a knife to Nash’s throat and finally convinced him to shut up.”

She studied him carefully. “Did you think I’d
want
you to fight a duel for me?”

“Most women would expect it.”

“But if you’d fought him here, you would’ve ruined Emily’s ball.”

“That’s exactly what I told your brother.” He nodded at her. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about Lord Nash in the future. Between us, I think we have him convinced to keep his mouth shut.”

It was Lisette’s turn to sigh. “I wish I’d never met him or fallen in love with him. I was such a fool.”

“You were very young.”

“And very wild and stupid.” Lisette swiped at a tear on her cheek. “You haven’t even asked me why I slept with him, or condemned me for being such a fool.”

“I’m hardly in a position to do that, am I?”

“Why not? You’re my husband. Surely you of all men have a right to ask me anything.”

He leaned forward, his hands clasped together between his thighs. “Lisette, can’t you see that it doesn’t matter to me? I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I married you because …”

“Because you thought I carried your child.”

“Because I wanted to.” He stood up and unpinned his cravat. “Please don’t start that again.”

“And what if I wanted to be perfect for you?” she whispered. “What if I wanted you to have been the only man I ever bedded?”

He walked back over to the fire and crouched in front of her, his hard expression softening. “We can’t change the past, can we? You told me recently that we can’t change our true natures either. But we can choose what we do with our future together; we can decide to live happily ever after with the past buried behind us and nothing but goodwill and love on both sides to see us through.”

She touched his cheek. “Do you truly believe that?”

“Of course.”

“You think we can stay together and succeed?”

“Absolutely, if we both play our parts.”

“But what are those ‘parts’? The polite society marriage you think I deserve, or the marriage we want to build together?”

He let out a frustrated breath. “I told you I wanted you and that I would be content with you. Can you not believe me?”

She stared at him. “But we also need to be true to ourselves.”

“Does that mean you want something else?” He swallowed hard. “You want other men?”

“I want you.”

“You have me.”

He looked at her as if he didn’t understand what she was trying to say. How could she explain that she wanted him to be the same sexually complex man she had married, that she didn’t want him to change just because he thought it was more socially acceptable? And what about love amongst all his talk of duty? “I don’t want you to change too much.”

“Ah.” He looked away from her and slowly got to his feet. He took off his coat and concentrated on unbuttoning his waistcoat. Lisette watched him carefully, but realized he had nothing more to say. She needed to think about it, too, so she let her mind turn back to the other matter that concerned her.

“What are you going to do about your mother?”

“I’ve decided I have to keep going and dispossess my uncle; otherwise I’ll never know what happened to her, will I?”

“That is an excellent reason,” Lisette said softly. “And you are no coward.”

“Having you by my side has made me stronger.” He held her gaze. “Do you understand that?”

She could only nod. If he had the courage to face his demons and deal with his uncle, the least she could do was come to terms with her own problems. Gabriel might not like her solution to their issues, but she had to find the courage to offer him a way back to his true self. She loved him and he didn’t seem to understand that yet. It was her responsibility to be brave and show him the truth. If it meant that she destroyed a few of his illusions about her and their future together, maybe that was just as well.

“M
r. Brecon sent this for you, sir.”

“Thank you, Keyes.” Gabriel slit open the sealed paper and read the short message. “It appears that Mr. Sturges, the estate manager from Swanfield Manor, will be here on Friday. I am looking forward to meeting him.”

“I’m sure you are, sir.” Keyes deftly removed the empty teacup and saucer from beneath Gabriel’s elbow and backed away toward the door. “Her ladyship was asking for you at breakfast, sir. Shall I tell her you have returned from your ride?”

Gabriel nodded. “If you see her, please assure her that I’m in my study and at her disposal if she needs me.”

“Yes, sir, I will.”

Keyes left and Gabriel stared at the back of the closed door. Since the night of the ball, he and Lisette had achieved an uneasy peace, but things still weren’t right. He hoped that after his meeting with Sturges he would be able to apply his mind to the question of his marriage and make sure that Lisette was happy, because that was important to him. Keeping her happy was
more important than anything. He frowned down at his desk. He had to talk to her.

With sudden resolve, he headed out of his study and up the stairs to Lisette’s rooms. He paused at the doorway, instantly aware that she wasn’t there. The only reminder of her presence was the faint scent of roses and her discarded dressing gown draped over the bed.

“Are you looking for her ladyship, sir?”

He smiled at the maid who had just emerged from the dressing room, an armful of petticoats over her arm. “Indeed I am, Molly.”

“She went out for a walk with Miss Emily, Lieutenant St. Clare, and his cousin, Lady Lucinda, my lord. I should imagine she’ll be back in time to take tea with you.”

“I’m sure she will. Thank you for telling me.”

The maid bobbed a curtsey. “You’re welcome, sir.”

Gabriel’s smile faded as he turned and went back down the stairs. He supposed he should get on with some work rather than moping around the house like a child deprived of his favorite toy. It wasn’t as if he had nothing to do. Preparing to take back his estates wasn’t an easy task.

He settled himself behind his desk and stared at the mountain of paperwork Mr. Brecon had sent him the previous week. Somewhere buried under all that paper was a letter from Paul’s uncle that should at least be acknowledged—if he could ever find it or remember exactly what the old man had wanted. With a sigh, he reached for the first piece of correspondence and settled down for a long afternoon.

Lisette smiled at Paul St. Clare as the two younger girls walked ahead of them and chattered together. Their heads were close together and they laughed and talked at the same time without appearing to pause for breath.

“Your cousin is delightful.”

“As is your sister. They are certainly well matched, aren’t they?”

“I’m just glad Emily has found a friend to enjoy the exigencies of her London Season with.”

Paul winked. “I’m just pleased that Lucky’s found someone to chatter with other than me.”

“I don’t think I was ever that carefree,” Lisette said. “At the orphanage laughing too loudly or giggling meant more hours spent on your knees in the chapel saying the rosary.”

“It sounds as unpleasant as Eton, although whenever I was on my knees there it was for an entirely different and far more enjoyable reason.”

Lisette found herself laughing and had to wave aside the girls’ concern when they looked back at her.

“That’s better,” Paul said. “Both you and Gabriel are far too serious these days.”

“That’s because we’re married.”

“Gabriel takes his responsibilities very seriously.”

“I know.” Lisette sighed. “He is determined to make us the most fashionable and boring married couple of the Season.”

“And you don’t want that?”

“I just want to be married to him, not held up for society’s approval. I’ve finally realized that being happy is far more important than seeking the approval of a group of snobs.” She looked away from Paul’s far too interested face and back at his cousin, Lucinda. “She’s fond of you, isn’t she?”

“Yes.” Paul lowered his voice. “Her parents would like me to offer for her, but I won’t.”

“Because you don’t wish to marry.”

He glanced sideways at her, his eyes for once serious. “That is true. It would be … unfair.”

“When you care about someone else.”

“Is it that obvious?” He sighed and found them a seat to occupy, while the young ladies continued to promenade around the lake. “I thought I hid it rather well.”

“Not from me.” Lisette closed her parasol with a snap.

“But then, you love him, too, don’t you?” Paul asked.

“Of course I do.” Lisette took a deep breath. “And that’s why I might need your help.”

After one of the most boring but deeply satisfying days of his life, Gabriel retired to his rooms to find Keyes laying out his evening clothes on the bed.

“Am I supposed to be going out?” He groaned. Despite his best intentions, he’d managed to miss Lisette at tea and dinner.

“I believe so, sir. Her ladyship asked me to tell you that she would meet you at the Harcourts’ ball.”

“The Harcourts? Do I even know them?”

“That’s not the point, sir. Her ladyship requires your presence at her side, and you will be more than happy to oblige her, won’t you?”

“Turncoat.” Gabriel muttered as Keyes continued his preparations to shave him. “Just because she remembers to inquire about your rheumatism and the health of your wife.”

Keyes lathered up Gabriel’s chin. “And let’s not forget, sir, that she makes you happy.”

“She does, doesn’t she?” Gabriel mused about that as Keyes deftly shaved him. Even though things were strained between them at the moment—and wasn’t that to be expected during the first few weeks of marriage—he was still happier being with her than being apart. In fact, she’d become necessary to him.

He loved her.

Had loved her right from the start. Loved her even more now that he’d discovered the real woman behind the polished, flirtatious shell. She’d brought him back to life; given him hope,
and helped him make the decisions he had been putting off for years. He sat up so suddenly that Keyes had to step back.

“Are you all right, my lord?”

“Yes.” Gabriel stared into the mirror and absently dabbed at the remaining spots of soap on his chin with the warm towel Keyes handed him. Had he ever told Lisette that he loved her, or had he been so busy ranting on about responsibility and children that he’d forgotten to say the most important thing? No wonder she didn’t believe he cared about her…. He was a complete fool.

“I’ll leave you to your bath, sir, and return to help you on with your coat,” Keyes said.

“Yes … thank you.”

Gabriel waved his valet away and stood up. He needed to go to the Harcourts’ ball and that required a bath and clean clothing.

He bathed with a speed he had formerly reserved for a dip in an icy Spanish stream in winter, and vigorously rubbed his hair dry. On top of the pile of clothes he noticed a flat box that looked as if it might contain jewelry. He looked around for Keyes and then remembered his valet had already gone downstairs.

Curiosity compelled him to open the satin-lined box and view both the contents and the note written in Lisette’s handwriting. Set in the white satin were three items that made him swallow hard: a thin silver collar, a long chain, and a matching cock ring.

His fingers trembled as he opened Lisette’s note and read the words aloud. “Wear these for me tonight and meet me at the pleasure house in our room after the ball.”

His heart rate increased and his cock thickened. Gabriel continued to stare at the erotic collection of items. Could he dare wear them under the stiff formality of his evening clothes, and, more important, did he want to?

His cock kicked against the drying cloth wrapped around his waist. God, why was he even trying to pretend there was a choice to make? He wanted to do this for her more than anything in the world—wanted to do it for himself as well. But if he did, what would happen to his desire to give Lisette the marriage he thought she deserved?

But this is her choice
….

He picked up the thin silver collar. The metal felt cold against his fingers. He imagined it round his neck, what it implied, where Lisette would be able to lead him…. He loved her. What better way to show her that than by embracing the darker side of his sexuality and letting her experience it, too?

With sudden decision, he clasped the collar around his throat and settled it so that the chain hung down and brushed his half-erect cock. If he wanted any chance of getting the cock ring around his shaft, he had to do it now.

He pushed his balls through the two smaller rings and then settled the much thicker silver band around the base of his cock. It wasn’t that tight now, but if things went as he expected, he’d feel the constraints of the metal before the night was over.

His fingers were shaking so hard that it was difficult for him to attach the chain to the silver ring, but he managed it at last and made himself look in the mirror. God, he liked the way the chain met the cock ring, wondered what it would feel like if she pulled it….

With a stifled curse, Gabriel drew his shirt over his head and carefully stepped into his tight pantaloons. Underthings would just complicate his evening, so he decided to do without them. He studied his now-covered groin in the mirror. Was it only he who would see the rigid lines of the metal rings, the engorged state of his cock?

Lisette would see them. She’d know what he’d done. He drew on a black waistcoat and somehow managed to knot his cravat and pin it into place. When Keyes reappeared he seemed
unperturbed by either Gabriel’s appearance or his distracted manner and quickly had him ready to leave the house.

His coachman seemed to know where Harcourt House was, so Gabriel was able to settle back in the carriage and await his arrival. Eventually, from the small steamed-up window of the coach, he saw a blaze of light and a throng of people moving up the steps to a large double-fronted mansion, which he assumed was also his destination.

For a moment, as he pushed his way up the stairs to the ballroom, he contemplated bolting. He hated the crowds, but for once, his desire to see Lisette prevented him from worrying too much. Etiquette demanded he join the end of the receiving line to meet his unknown hosts, but he chose not to. Time was of the essence. He needed to find his wife and see her reaction to him.

He spotted her at the far side of the vast gold and white ballroom with Emily and her father. Her light brown hair was piled high on top of her head with just a few curls allowed to brush her cheeks. She wore the green dress he’d chosen for her and emeralds glinted at her throat. He swallowed hard. Why hadn’t he given her any jewels? What sort of a husband was he?

When he finally reached her, she turned to greet him, her hazel eyes cool, her expression neutral. His cock jerked and for the first time he felt the pull of the silver around the base. Her gaze flicked over him, settled on his pantaloons, and then moved back to his face.

“Good evening, my lord.”

He bowed. “My lady, Miss Emily, Lord Knowles. I trust you are enjoying your evening?”

“Indeed we are.” Emily, of course, answered for everyone, her eyes wide, her excitement barely contained. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

He smiled at her as the orchestra struck up again behind them. “Would you like to dance?”

Her face fell. “Oh, I’m sorry, Gabriel. I’m already engaged to someone for this dance, and for the rest of the evening.”

He pretended to sigh. “I suppose I’d better dance with my wife, then.”

Emily giggled behind her gloved fingers. “I know you don’t mean it like that, Gabriel. You’d probably much rather be dancing with her than with silly old me.”

Gabriel turned to Lisette. “I hope my wife will understand if I refuse to answer that dangerous question. Do you have a dance left for me, my dear?”

She curtsied and slid the loop of her fan over her wrist. “Of course I do.”

She placed her hand lightly on his sleeve and he walked them onto the already crowded dance floor. When he took her into his arms he could hardly breathe. He looked down at the top of her head.

“Sometimes it is hard to believe that you are only three years older than Emily.”

“Almost four years, actually. My birthday is next week.”

“Still …”

She tilted up her face to look at him. “She seems young to me, but that is how most English girls are. Even though I grew up in an orphanage, I’m far more worldly than she is.”

“And of course, you added to your experience at the pleasure house.”

She sighed as he promenaded with her around a corner. “I certainly learned how to sexually please a man. I thought I was trying to make up for my lack of knowledge, but now I realize I was just rebelling against my mother.”

He squeezed her hand. “We all make mistakes.”

“Even you?”

“Even me.” They danced on for a while in perfect harmony until the music came to a close. “Would you like to go back to your father now, or shall we get some refreshments?”

“A glass of lemonade would be nice.”

He led her toward the refreshment room, keeping a close eye out for Lord Nash, in case he suddenly decided to appear. Just before they reached the doorway, Lisette tugged on his hand and drew him farther into the depths of the house. His breathing quickened as she gently backed him up against the nearest wall.

She undid the first three buttons of his waistcoat and slid her hand through the opening to the neck of his shirt. He held his breath as her fingers moved over his chest, settled on the silver chain, and pulled hard. He closed his eyes as his cock was jerked upward and then up again until it felt like it might come off.

“God, Lisette …”

She let go of the chain, but traced its path up to his neck, found the silver collar, and paused to stroke it. He jumped as her other hand cupped his balls through his pantaloons. She thumbed the base of his shaft until the metal bit into his hot, needy flesh. His hips jerked forward seeking the pleasure and pain of her hands.