Since He Really Feels (He Feels) (2 page)

“I know you’re right, but I just have to do this.”

“How’d you go from thinking about it to deciding to go in the span of the last ten minutes?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just feel this weight pressing down on me, and the only way I can get out from under it is to make sure he’s okay.”

“At the expense of making sure
we
are okay?”

“No. I would never put us in jeopardy.”

“Then don’t go.”

“That’s not an option.”

“Then I guess I will see you when you get back.”

With that, Nick exited the closet, bypassed breakfast in the kitchen, and headed out
to his car.

I hated the way we left things. I hated going on a road trip with Nick mad at me, especially thinking about my recent car accident. Life could change in the blink of an eye, as evidenced by the cast I was still wearing on my wrist, and I knew it was wrong to leave the house without a goodbye. I knew it was wrong to leave on bad terms. But it was too late to change it.

I emailed Travis at lunch, not mentioning that I was planning to visit. In my head, I convinced myself that if he responded before I left, I’d take that as a sign that I shouldn’t go. If he didn’t respond, then that was a sign that I should go.

I had no response at 2:00, so I faked a doctor’s appointment and headed out to my car. I was in my last week at McMillan, and I’d pretty much closed out everything I needed to do. Now it was just a waiting game, a stupid punishment from Davidson to finish out my two weeks of work before I could officially be done and move over to BKG Marketing with Nick as my boss. I was excited for the move, even though I felt bad that I’d have to start a day later because of my impulsive trip to San Diego.

The six hour drive from Phoenix to San Diego gave me a lot of quiet thinking time, and as I stood poised to knock on Travis’s door, I suddenly wondered if I had made the wrong decision.

By “wrong decision,” I didn’t mean that I’d made the wrong decision in coming to San Diego.

By “wrong decision,” I meant whether I’d made the wrong decision in letting Travis go so easily.

I hadn’t looked at Travis in “that way” since I was in high school.
Even calling it “that way” sounded high school-ish. We’d broken up mutually just before we started college, but my six hours alone in the car helped me to realize that maybe it wasn’t as mutual as I’d always thought. He’d confessed his real feelings to me only a few weeks earlier, and the more I thought about pieces of our shared history, the more I realized that he’d loved me all along; I’d just been blind to it. How different would things have turned out if I’d chosen to be with him? What if I’d never acted on my feelings for Nick? Would Travis and I be together now?

I had to believe that I was meant to be with Nick. The feelings I had for him were unlike any that I’d experienced in my life.

But what if it was an overabundance of lust that made me feel that way? What if I needed Travis and his friendship more?

I had always pegged myself as a strong, independent woman. But these men in my life were making me act like a spineless, dramatic adolescent who couldn’t make a fucking decision.

I knew my answer was Nick, and not just because he was the easy answer. If anything, he was the harder answer. He meant saying goodbye to my past, a past that I adored and cherished. He meant cutting people out of my life who I’d loved since I was five years old. But he also meant a safe and secure future full of happiness and love and the most fantastic sex of my life.

I raised my hand again, and this time I knocked before I lost my nerve. My heart started racing, and suddenly I was nervous. My hands were shaking and my mouth was dry. What the hell was I doing?

I looked at the necklace I held in my hand again, the one that Travis had given me that night when he’d come over and I’d broken his heart by telling him that my heart belonged to Nick. He deserved to have the necklace back. It was the least I could do.

The door opened, and there stood Travis.

He looked handsome, but more than that, he looked familiar. He looked like home. He looked like the best friend who had been missing from my life for nearly the past month.

“Jules,” he whispered.

“Oh, Trav,” I said, flying into his arms. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. My racing heart hadn’t slowed at the feel of his arms around me, and it was strange to have these unfamiliar feelings for Travis. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I
hugged him against me.

Once again, I felt the pull of confusion in my heart. While I knew Nick was the fairy tale ending, something about being in Travis’s familiar arms was warm and comforting.

I pulled back to look at him. “I had to see you. I had to know that we’re going to be okay.”

“I just emailed you,” he said, and I wondered immediately how he had responded to me. My email to him talked about second chances, and I wondered
briefly what kind of second chance I was really there for. I couldn’t – wouldn’t – ever cheat on Nick, but uncertainty rattled my brain.

“You did
? You saw mine?”

He stepped back from me, and I felt cold without his bodily contact. He nodded.

“What did yours say?” I asked.

He stared at me for a moment, almost like he couldn’t believe I was standing in his family room. And then he said the words that cut right to my heart. “Jules, I’m sorry, but I don’t have time for this right now.”

“But I came all this way,” I said, shocked that he’d so easily brush me off. He’d always given me his full attention. Always. And I’d just driven six hours to be with him, to check on him and to make sure he was doing okay.

I suddenly felt like a fool.
For so many different reasons.

I’d risked my relationship with Nick to make sure that Travis was okay, and as I looked at the man in front of me, I knew without a doubt that he was okay.
He looked really, really good. He was thriving in San Diego. Without me.

“I know you did. And I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but maybe you shouldn’t have. You’ve got your thing going on in Arizona, and I’ve got mine here in California.”

I gazed at him, surprised that the man in front of me was doing as well as he was. “You’re really okay?” I asked.

“Sort of.
I have… um, plans for the night. I have to leave in less than an hour.”

Oh.

So I drove six hours to see him, and he had plans.

I couldn’t meet his eyes, so I stared down at the floor. “Oh, okay. I don’t want to keep you.” I paused, and then I looked up at him. “Here,” I said, holding the necklace out.

He shook his head as his eyes met mine. “I gave that to you. It’s yours.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. In fact, I was a little worried that if I spoke, I’d start crying.

“Do you have somewhere to stay?” he asked.

I didn’t. I hadn’t thought that far ahead; we’d always had such an open relationship that I just figured I’d stay with him. I shook my head.

“We’ve got a guest room,” he said.

“No, I don’t want to impose,” I said halfheartedly.

“Yes, you do. You wouldn’t have come here if you didn’t expect me to offer.”

“You know me well.”

He smiled, but I could tell it wasn’t sincere. “BFFs for life, right?”

I smiled back, but mine was sincere. “I hope so, Trav.”

“Read your email.” He gestured over to the couch. “Make yourself at home. I’m sorry I can’t stay to talk. I have to go change.”

He walked down the hall and I took a seat on his couch. I took out my phone, and the first thing I did was text Nick. I’d been texting him periodically throughout the day, but I hadn’t heard a word from him since he’d left the house earlier that morning.

I’m safe in San Diego. I’m sorry, Nick. I love you.

Then I pulled open my email and located the one from Travis. It had just been sent a few minutes
earlier.

Julianne,

Thank you for the heartfelt apology. I don’t doubt your sincerity. What you did killed a part of me, but you should know that I’m doing okay. I’m not angry anymore. Your friendship has meant everything to me for the better part of twenty years, and while I might need some more time to get over what you did, I know that I can’t cut you out of my life completely.

You should also know that this change of heart has come at the suggestion of someone I met. It’s a long story, but she made me see that I couldn’t move on with her until I fixed things with you. That’s what prompted my call the other day, and your news shocked me. I didn’t react well, and I apologize for going into hiding for a couple of days. Someday I hope I can be happy for you. It’s a strange realization that you and I aren’t going to end up together, but I’ve figured out that there’s actually someone else I’m meant to end up with.

I wish you the best, and I’ll be in touch when I’m ready.

Travis

As I finished reading the email, I realized exactly how right Nick had been. Travis just needed time, and I ignored Nick and followed my instinct, which clearly had been wrong.

He’d met someone.

Someone who he’d bonded with enough to tell the story of us.

Travis didn’t need me in his life anymore.

I felt my heart splinter in two. On the one hand, my heart was so full with Nick there. But on the other hand, my heart was breaking because the one person I’d spent so much of my life depending on no longer depended on me.

I was a fool, and I knew it. But the hardest part of it all was going to be admitting that I’d
messed everything up. I wasn’t sure if Nick was even talking to me or where I stood with him.

“Jules!” I heard Travis’s voice, and it pulled me out of my jumbled thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“I need your help with something.”

I made my way down the hall toward his voice, and I found Travis in his closet. It was reminiscent of that morning when I’d watched Nick looking through his clothes. I just watched him for a moment with curiosity.

“What can I do?” I finally asked.

Our eyes met, and I found that something had changed in his. He was looking at me like I was his little sister. I saw none of the heat and passion and lust that I’d grown accustomed to seeing there but hadn’t recognized for what it was. “I need a suit,” he said. “Nice shirt and tie combo.
Shoes, the whole deal.”

“I’m on it,” I said, looking through his clothes. It’s funny how easy it was to slip back into the role of best friend. I couldn’t think of a time in our shared history when I hadn’t picked out his clothes for him for all of his major life events. Even if I hadn’t been there to physically help him, I’d talked him through more than one outfit over the phone. “Can I ask what this is for?”

“Did you read your email?”

I felt my face heating. “Yes.” I didn’t look up from his clothes because I didn’t want him to know how embarrassed I was that I’d made this journey to San Diego when I clearly shouldn’t have.

“It’s the girl that I referenced in my email. I sort of… fucked things up royally, and I’ve been spending my entire day trying to make it right. I’m ending the day with a pretty bold move.”

“What’s the bold move?” I asked, pulling a white button down shirt off of the hanger and handing it to him. I flipped through his ties, pausing for a moment on a red one that reminded me of the one Nick had chosen that morning.

God, I was an idiot.

“I’m sending a limo to her place to pick her up and bring her to me. I’ll be waiting at a classy wine bar.”

I glanced up at him, and I was surprised to find that he looked anxious. “Sounds nice, Trav.”

“I was hoping for better than ‘nice,’” he said wryly.

It felt strange listening to his bold move for another woman after all we’d been through recently. He told me that he loved me just a few weeks earlier, and now he was going after some other girl while all I felt was confused. “Sounds romantic. I don’t know what you want me to say. This is weird.”

“What’s weird?” he asked, and then he pulled his t-shirt over his head to change into the white button down shirt I’d handed him. I stole a glance at his body, and I was briefly transported to the night he’d made love to me, the night when I’d been heartbroken over Nick and couldn’t focus on the amazing man in front of me.
I felt a stab of regret in my gut for the way I’d treated him. He really was just an all around good guy. And his toned and athletic body wasn’t hard to look at.

I felt a little breathless as I answered his question.
“Giving you advice about another woman.”

“It never was weird before.”

“Before?” I asked, handing him a blue tie.

He took the tie and gazed at it for a second, and then he spoke without looking up. “Before I told you how I felt.” He placed the tie on his dresser as I froze at his words.

“Can we get back there?” I asked hopefully. I needed Travis in my life any way I could get him.