Sing Like You Know the Words (38 page)

Matthew took the notes from his
pocket and saw that his hands were shaking. He hadn´t prepared
himself to be so nervous; he´d only told himself there was no
reason that he should be. That had been a mistake. Looking at the
words on the paper, he found he could hardly read them. He scanned
the lines and saw only meagre scribbles that were inadequate for
the occasion.

He made a start, concentrating
on pitching his address to the back row of the congregation. At
least he should be heard. As he came to the end of each sentence he
could detect a rising tremor of anxiety in his voice, in sharp
contrast with the strong soothing tones of the minister. The chapel
was quiet for him. Only one or two coughs punctuated his words.

From his research he could speak
about Ralph´s early life. It was ground that the minister had been
over already and it was soon covered. Then he said a few words
about Ralph joining the staff of the Examiner, and after that it
was time to talk about the man he knew. He stuffed the first page
of notes back into his pocket and scanned the second sheet.

Matthew tried to speak, but
words wouldn´t come; only a sort of noise that he didn´t recognize
as coming from him. He folded up the rest of his notes and put them
away.

-I, prepared some words as you
see. I wanted to tell you about the time I knew Ralph. I thought of
the right things to say, the usual things. But you all knew Ralph.
He never said the right things or the usual things. That was never
good enough for him. He only wanted to get to the heart of the
matter, even when that made a difficult situation for everyone.

-He was embarrassing to be with
sometimes. Not that I never saw him embarrassed.

There was some shuffling in the
pews.

-I never saw him behave as if
anything out of the ordinary was happening, even in bizarre
situations, so I suppose he would feel quite at home today.

-Anyway, it’s good to see so
many of you here. Ralph knew many people and everybody who knew him
loved him in some way. I don’t know how someone who inspired
feeling like that came to be so much alone. I don’t know whether he
wanted more from people and couldn’t ask for it, or whether he was
genuinely content to be so much in himself. There´s a lot I’d still
like to ask him, and now I never can. It makes me sad.

-Whether from the congregation
or from himself, Matthew felt a growing urgency that he should get
to the point, if only he could find what it was. He remembered the
warning about the next service starting and that he should not take
up too much time: but still he had not found the right words.

-Many of you knew him better
than I did. But I do know that Ralph was wise and kind, even if he
had a tongue that could drip pure acid. And he was strong. He
decided who he should be, and made himself that person, by an
effort of will and intelligence: I admire him for that. And he was
my friend, and he never took shit from anyone.

There was not much else to say,
and if he said more, afterwards Matthew could not remember it. At
the moment that he spoke to word “friend” he had a revelation of
how deep a friendship he had experienced with Ralph. The rest came
out automatically, until a moment later he was appalled at his own
choice of words.

The minister continued the
service as if nothing had happened, but Matthew returned to his pew
and endured the rest of it in the certainty that his ears were
burning crimson and that everyone in the congregation must be
staring at the back of his head. Outside, Richard assured him that
his words had been fine and that everyone had understood and
appreciated the sentiment, but still Matthew found himself unable
to go on to the reception. He made his excuses and left Richard to
pick up the pieces as usual. He felt that he had let Ralph down by
his inarticulacy more than by his minor profanity.

And afterwards of course life
continued, although it seemed that work would not be the same. With
Ralph gone, Matthew seriously considered, for the first time, the
idea that he might leave the Examiner. He thought about giving up
his current line of work altogether. Perhaps it was time to strike
out for something more serious. He was almost forty years old and
still puzzling over what to do when he grew up.

Gradually that sense of
restlessness passed. He stayed on. In a way it felt as if a
responsibility had passed to him. He and Richard were the elder
statesmen now, and Richard was not many years from retirement. He
found himself reacting to certain situations as Ralph would have
done: not the hedonistic, riotous Ralph, but the pedantic wise old
head who insisted on standards being maintained and who the others
looked to for a particular kind of guidance. He heard his own voice
speaking with more authority, and sometimes wondered if that
confident tone could really be him.

His own life remained a mystery
to him, but living it became less of a struggle, at least most of
the time. He was sustained by the thought that if he could hold on
to the few things he was sure of, even if they amounted to no more
than a few rules of grammar and syntax, and maybe the rudiments of
a house style, then the rest might take care of itself.

It was just occasionally, on
nights when he was alone and unable to sleep, or else he woke up
thinking about Ralph’s death, that his thoughts were troubled by
the idea of suicide. Not that he was tempted to it, but he
remembered the reports of similar deaths that had been allotted
their few brief lines over the years. Richard was right; you had to
laugh, because each such death was a challenge, much more when it
was someone you knew.

Usually you could explain it
easily: people with terminal illnesses and in pain; crazies;
teenagers at the mercy of chemical imbalances; cries for help that
went wrong; inability to cope with the decrepitude of age. The
histories were sad in themselves, but they had their own logic.
Ralph’s case was different: it was as if he had weighed his life in
the balance and come to a rational decision to end it. He’d acted
on the judgement quite calmly. On his worst nights, the last
challenge that Ralph had thrown down for Matthew was to ponder what
verdict should be pronounced if his own life were to be weighed in
the same balance.

***

It was some time after Ralph´s
death, and David could tell that Matthew was still affected by the
death of his colleague, even if Matthew himself couldn´t see it.
David was sure that the preoccupation was unhealthy. He suggested
to Matthew that he ought to visit Tim. It had been a long time, and
maybe it would be good for both of them. Spending time with Tim
might help Matthew recover some perspective on life instead of
moping. Matthew was surprised that David even knew where Tim lived.
He should have remembered that David never fully abandoned his
friends. He was more surprised when David gave him the address,
just around the corner from where Matthew´s mother lived.

Tim welcomed him warmly enough,
asking in the same breath if he had a smoke. Matthew said he
didn’t. Tim admitted that he knew that Mrs James was a near
neighbour. He had seen her in the street a few times, without
introducing himself. He said that he was not over anxious that
people should see him as he was just now.

-I mean, don’t make polite
noises; this place is just a complete shit tip, right? And it´s not
as if I look like I´m out of place here.

-It wasn´t an assessment that
Matthew could argue with.

Tim managed to find two mugs
that passed as clean enough to make tea. There was no milk. They
squatted on a mattress in the living room, sipping the scalding
brew. Tim said that this was the room he lived in, mostly. He
didn’t go upstairs much: there was no point and anyway the house
was too cold. Matthew nodded.

-One of the windows is broken;
you can see it from the street.

-I’m going to get it fixed soon.
Got any spare cash?

-It doesn’t look as if cash
would be good for you. You’re using a lot of drugs I suppose. Looks
like it anyway.

-It depends on what you call a
lot. David comes to see me pretty regular. He always leaves
money.

-And how does that help you?

-Well it helps me not to have to
do the things I’d have to do otherwise to get hold of all the drugs
you were talking about. But then again David was never such a
miserable, self righteous prick as you. Is the tea all right?

-It’ll do. What happened? Tim
looked blank. To you I mean.

-I got off the bus and I never
got back on again. That’s all. Don’t come over all pious and
concerned and don´t tell me it has anything to do with the bloody
war. I never was a real soldier anyway. I´m just someone who went
through the system and decided to have a break. It´s only that the
break stretched on for a while and now here I am. You know, once
David stopped inviting me round to the house - I don’t blame him
for that mind. I was out of order in so many ways. Anyway after
that it was like my final link to the proper world was gone. And I
didn’t miss it. At least he keeps in touch, not like you.

-I remember you running round
the house with that toilet seat around your neck, hitting people
with the toilet brush. It was funny, looking back anyway, but not
very pleasant.

-Like I said, I´ve no
complaints. I´d become smelly I remember.

-You’re smelly now.

-But here there’s no one to
mind; only you, and you can piss off if you don’t like it.

-Tim, you could get yourself
cleaned up and start again any time.

-But I’d have to want to,
wouldn’t I? Anyway, you asked to hear my story so shut up. I was
quite happy for a while, you know, with the money they give you for
turning up each week to prove you haven’t died. But then they
offered me this job working in the dole office. And when I say
offered, it´s not like you can turn it down. It’s another level of
hell where they send the long term claimants, as if we haven’t got
enough problems. Their way of saying; you lot are so shit that this
is the only job you are fit for and don’t imagine we can’t make
your life worse than it already is.

-So I was there for a time and I
did try to make a go of it, in my own way. I mean, you can find
something to laugh at anywhere can’t you? But that was the trouble.
No sense of humour, none of them. So here I am again. I never
caught the habit of work like you three. David wants to run the
country one day. Patricia thinks she is doing god’s work because
she is making a lot of money representing liberal causes. You I
don’t know.

-Just a kind of cowardice in my
case, I think.

-Something like that, probably.
Anyway I never had a family to support and I can’t see the point of
being bored all day when there don’t seem to be enough boring jobs
for the people who want to do them.

-I’ll come back and see you
again soon.

-I’ll try to arrange my social
calendar to be at home. Thursdays and Fridays I´m at my club. The
one on the corner. Beer’s cheap but I can´t go when the bingo´s
on.

The meeting gave him something
to think about, but if David had encouraged Matthew to see Tim to
make him count his blessings, he should have realised that given
Matthew´s nature, he would instead start to question that his own
way of life was truly better than Tim´s, though at least he could
afford soap.

***

Later that month, Patricia told
Matthew she was pregnant.

-This is strictly in confidence,
David doesn’t know anything yet

-But why not?

-Sorry, we’ve never spoken about
this? David can’t have children; it’s a sperm thing. We’ve known
about it for years of course. I supposed everyone suspected.
Catholic wife and no children.

-But then, who is the father?
And why are you telling me about it before him?

Patricia gave him one of her
hard stares.

-You are more hopeless than even
I expect Matt. The father is you of course

-But we never, well I mean, we
have, obviously. Now and then; not something we’re proud of –
accidentally sort of.

-Keep going Matt, you’re
hilarious. I never cease to be amazed at the capacity of men to
file their separate experiences in neat little boxes, keeping all
the inconvenient ones locked safely away. Don’t panic, I never
imagined that we would be running away together, but would it
surprise you if I reminded you that you have accidentally fucked me
on fourteen separate occasions in the last twelve months?

-I never thought of it like
that. I suppose it’s true. I assumed you were – taking some
precautions

-It seems you can’t protect
against idiocy. And stop talking like a sex education manual. If I
get a few years older I shan’t need to take precautions, shall I?
Nature will take its course.

-You sound like you are thinking
of keeping it.

For a moment Patricia struggled
to suppress a violent response; then she spoke quietly and
calmly.

-It. Yes of course I shall keep
it. Health permitting, thank you for asking. I wasn’t hoping for a
child Matt, not consciously anyway, but see it from my perspective
just for a second. Think about biology.

-Didn’t you ever think about
adopting?

-Too humiliating dear. Now I
suppose we might, after we have one of our own. In any case, the
politician’s wife with adopted children. You know what would be
said. There’s always some grubby hack sniffing around trying to
make out that the husband’s gay. Thank god we’re not Tories at
least. It seems like all the men in that lot have some kind of
depravity. Gay might be the least of it.

-You’re not Tories but you´re
not really a politician´s wife yet.

-Thank you for reminding me, but
I shall be. David will be making his maiden speech at Westminster
soon. I have to think of how things look. And now we shall be
parents too.