Singing Heart (27 page)

Impulsively she did something that totally shocked him. She pulled her quilt off the bed and lay down beside him nudging his arm till he got the message and put it around her. She nestled close her neck cradled in its strong curve pulling the quilt cozily around her body. Even though it was hot she couldn’t sleep without the weight of her quilt. He lay there barely respiring afraid to move in case she panicked and skittered away. It was so wonderful to have her close of her own volition. She continued talking. Maybe this was her equivalent of his drunk. She needed to purge her soul. He listened intently sweating profusely uncaring of the discomfort the heat their bodies generated.

“
Your mother was the only other person I have ever talked to. She sure set me straight in a hurry. I was so innocent when I married Brett. I believed in happy ever after. Even after he abused me I kept thinking if was my fault…that I lacked something he needed. I thought in time…if I could just find ways to please him…to win his approval…things would change between us. I was wrong. Too naïve to really understand what was going on. Did you know we had a daughter?”

Sean hadn’t known about that. He was stunned. “Where is she now?”

“
In heaven with the angels. She died at birth…”

He waited for her to continue, afraid to ask too many pertinent questions that might kill the mood. He didn’t know she had once done the same thing to him aboard ship.

“
I lived with the Indians for a whole winter after we left Sweetbriar.” She announced quietly.

“
Do what!” he roared nearly toppling her over as he sat up in shock to stare at her.

She laughed at the look on his face.

“
I didn’t stutter. You heard me right. After you left I headed for Angel City. Jaskarra, the Indian that saved our lives that night we were attached on the trail, trailed me and offered to help me through the winter.”

Sean was dumbfounded. She took advantage of it to explain.

“
He offered me a challenge I couldn’t refuse. To learn all I could about living on this land from the people who have lived on it the longest.”

Sean was open mouthed in horror.

“
My God…did they…hurt you?”

She laughed. “Do you see any scars? I still have my scalp.”

He laid back down pulling her close unheeding of whether or not it might frighten her away. Sean held her protectively like he’d never let her out of sight again. She squirmed uncomfortably.

“
Your breaking my neck.”

He loosened his hold apologetically. “Sorry.”

She adjusted to a more comfortable position.

“
I learned a lot from Jaskarra. He was called a medicine man. A kind of holy man and a doctor all rolled up into one to his people. I learned how to use a lot of herbs, roots, even berries for healing.”

“
Why did he want to help you? And what was that all about that night we were attacked? I never believed it was just luck. Did you know him before we came out west?”

Xzan propped herself up to gaze in his disturbed face.

“
I’ve known him all my life. He’s always been there for me in a crisis. We had just never met in person till then. I know you don’t understand. I barely understand it myself and it’s me that’s been experiencing it. I think he wanted some answers too and that’s why he invited me. Plus he knew that I needed to learn how to survive if I was going to live in this country. He’s kept me alive too often to watch me die that way.”

Sean didn’t get what she was saying. He did comprehend the lilt in her voice when she spoke of Jaskarra and the way her eyes softened. He finally understood why she hadn’t been interested in any men including himself. She was already in love with someone. He didn’t know whether to be jealous or pity her. It was obvious it hadn’t worked out or she wouldn’t be here having this conversation now. He wondered why she had chosen this moment in time to confide her secret. Decided that maybe she just needed someone to talk to. She knew she could trust him. He had never let her down. She knew that no matter what she revealed he wouldn’t turn his back on her.

He licked his lips nervously. Determined to be a real friend no matter how uncomfortable it got.

“
How long were you there before you went to Angel City?

“
A long time. Jaskarra got hurt. He had a bad fight with a mean grizzly. I think he was afraid that if he had died I would have been at the mercy of the wild animals and the people in his tribe that will never change their opinion of the whites. Most of them hated me. They torture whites unmercifully during battle. He forced me to leave. Took me to the outskirts of town and dumped me without looking back.”

Sean got the message. She hadn’t wanted to leave. Jaskarra loved her enough to save her life even against her will. He envied the man that had won her heart that completely while pitying himself that it hadn’t been him. His mind was spinning with a billion thoughts. He’d learned more about her in the past five minutes than he’d ever known about her in the 4 years since they first met. He had never known anyone that lived with the Indians or even escaped to tell about it. She had been invited and welcomed. If anyone ever found out she would be banned by society. He wasn’t sure how he even felt about it all. Except that she would always be Xzan and he loved her no matter what.

Xzan nestled in his arm. She hadn’t spoken in several minutes. He knew by her deep even breathing that she had fallen asleep. She was acting so queer. He had no idea what she was leading up to but whatever it was she had his full attention. He bent his head forward resting his rough chin on top of her thick cushion of dark ringlets. She smelled so sweet. Like rose petals. He let the candle burn itself out lying in the dark for a long time relishing the feel of her against his body. He wanted to spend all his nights like this. Holding her. Talking about things that really meant something. He would have liked to have reminisced with her about his family a little further. She was the only other person he could share those final memories with. No one else even remembered the triplets. He missed his family so much. Maybe that was what all of this was about. She missed her family too.

******

She had moved sometime during the night up to the mattress. Acting the next morning as if nothing unusual had transpired between them. The days grew colder earmarking the beginning of fall. Leaves began turning and she gathered up a slew of multicolored ones and fashioned a cheery wreath to brighten the door to the cabin. In the middle of November they all noticed she was especially happy one evening. Singing and dancing merrily around as she served them dinner.

Uncle Jeb matter of factually observed, “Mebbe there’s a babe sprouting in her belly.”

Sean grinned. “I wish. I don’t know what’s going on. But like my Daddy used to say…just let her alone and eventually she’ll let you know what’s on her mind.”

She wore her prettiest dress. A rose colored silk with a full skirt and form fitting bodice. It was edged in black lace around the scooped neck and three-quarter sleeves. Her hair had been washed and brushed into a shiny mass of ringlets she allowed to flow loosely down her back with a matching bow pulling the sides back away from her cheeks. Her eyes were almost violet sparkling in gaiety. She ate as heartily as the men chattering nonstop, giggling when it was time for desert.

“
You have to close your eyes. It’s a surprise.” She teased.

Totally baffled but obliging the three men obeyed. They could hear her opening the cabinet door on the sideboard. After a moment she was standing beside her chair.

“
Open your eyes now.”

They all looked up puzzled. It was a cake. She made cakes frequently. What was so special about this one? She sighed in exasperation.

“
What do cakes symbolize?”

They all studied her blankly. Her lower lip trembled. Sean was about to jump from his chair to comfort her if she started crying. He couldn’t bear her tears. The way her eyes were misting they seemed inevitable.

“
It’s my birthday.” she announced deflated.

They all sighed in relief. None of them knew her birth date so none of them could be faulted for not remembering to it to celebrate.

“
Happy Birthday!” Sean laughed.

He knew in that moment exactly what he would give her. It couldn’t have come at a more opportune moment. He had been planning it all evening already.

Jeb asked rudely. “How old are you?”

It was an unforgivable question to most ladies however Xzan wasn’t like other women. She responded without embarrassment.

“
Twenty-one today.”

Robert was searching mentally for something to give her. He just didn’t have anything. He rose from the table and hugged her affectionately.

“
Happy birthday Cousin…and many more!”

He promised to do the dishes for her which was the best present he could ever have given her. The men never help with the dishes. Always just dozing off or talking while she cleaned up after dinner every night. It would be wonderful for once to simply enjoy a meal and be able to walk away and do whatever she wanted with her evening.

Jeb rose from his chair walking over to the mantle and pulled open a small cedar box. He had his back turned so no one could see what he was doing. He came back to the table with something hidden in his palm. After they sang Happy Birthday and had their slices of the cake he cleared his throat as if to make an important announcement. Everyone quieted peering at him expectantly.

“
Ya’ll got married in a hurry. I notice Sean here never got ya a ring. Ever woman ought ta hev a gold band. It means more ta them than anything else. Even if’n there’s a fire. My Maggie almost died tryin ta get ta this’n. The first year we was married our house burned ta tha ground. She rushed back in…durn near scared me ta death… ta get this’n off’n tha sink. She’d taken it off ta warsh dishes. I know she’d be right proud for yer ta have it Xzan. knowin another woman loved her home and family and took good care of em. I hope ya don’t mind Sean.”

He handed his nephew the ring to place on his wife’s finger. He didn’t know that his gift made them both feel like cheaters. Liars. They knew how much Uncle Jeb had loved Maggie and how priceless her wedding band was to him. Xzan had no right to wear it. The threatened tears began to fall. She ran from the house leaving three bewildered men in her wake. Sean covered for her.

“
Don’t worry Uncle Jeb. You know how emotional women are. She loved your gift. She just doesn’t know how to respond to it.”

He squeezed his Uncle’s arm warmly and went in search of Xzan. He found her in the loft sprawled unladylike with her head in her pillow sobbing uncontrollably. He sat down beside her, pulling her into his arms despite her feeble protest. She wet the front of his denim shirt with tears.

“
It’s all right Sweetheart. You just let it all out. Maggie would have wanted you to have this ring regardless of whether or not we’re married. She had no use for it now. It meant the world to her. She would adore you if she had met you.”

His words brought no solace. She still felt like such a fabricator. She couldn’t bear to even look at him. She was as low as any church mouse. Sean tilted her delicate chin forcing her meet his gaze. “We could do the right thing you know. It’ not too late. No one would ever know except us. I’ve never hidden the fact that I love you.”

She wished more than he knew that it could be that easy. She was terrified to be that intimate again. She had been feeling close to him lately. Longing to be touched. She wanted to live here the rest or her life in the house he was building. To share it with him. She wanted to have children before it was too late. To do all things that she had dreamed of. She had accepted the reality that Jaskarra had let her go forever. He was right. As much as she had fought and wanted it to be different. If they had married and had children those children would have been branded by society. They could never have lived happily together with only each other the rest of their lives. They needed other people too. Their children needed acceptance. To be proud.

Sean did love her. He had shown it so many times in many ways. He would be a good husband like his father had been. They could be there for each other in ways that no one else could because they had already shared so much and had become good friends as well as family. She was so terrified to take the final plunge. She pulled away. Lowering her pale blue eyes.

“
I can’t talk about this right now Sean.”

Hope flickered in his features. The fact that she hadn’t said no outright made his heart beat faster. Maybe he was winning her over. Optimism lit up in his eyes. He quelled it refusing to let it lift him up too fast in case she dropped him on his heart. The fall could break it.

“
Come on…I have a gift for your birthday.”

She smiled wiping her eyes. “You didn’t even know it was my birthday… how could you get a gift?”

He grinned secretively. Helped her down the ladder. Taking her small hand in his large paw he led her out of the barn. They strolled into the cool evening air silently. She knew when they reached the creek that the house must be finished. He made her close her eyes as they approached it. He hadn’t had time to light the candles to illuminate it the way he had wanted to for her first glimpse of it. He knew where they were located and he would light them as they went from room to room.