Six Kids and a Stuffed Cat (7 page)

TAYLOR

Everyone in this school except me is nuts.

MASON

And yet you're the only one in this room failing. C'mon, Taylor, get your books out, let's finish that book report so we can be one step closer to being free of each other once and for all.

REGAN

(to AVERY)
: Mason is tutoring Taylor.

JORDAN

Taylor's resisting. If Mason were a germ and Taylor was an open wound, Taylor would be studied by the worldwide medical community as the future hope of preventing the spread of infectious disease.

REGAN

(still explaining to AVERY, who's looking back and forth between REGAN and JORDAN as they share the explanation, and studying TAYLOR and MASON who are sitting together sharing a book)
: Mason's only working with Taylor to get a recommendation from the principal to attend the mock congress in Boston this summer.

JORDAN

They can't stand each other. Two people who loathe each other more do not exist in this world or any universe known to mankind or yet to be discovered. It's awesome entertainment for the rest of us that they have to work together. We've placed bets on how long it'll take one to smack the other with a thesaurus, and who'll take the first swing.

REGAN

Our school policy is zero tolerance for bullying so, if I should personally witness such behavior, in my role as student body president, I'd have to report it. Was it
report it
or
step in
? Hmm, can't remember.

MASON

(throws head all the way back in very put upon gesture, speaks to the ceiling in frustration)
: Taylor's failing English. Our mother tongue. My whole future depends on teaching someone the difference between
I-T-S
and
I-T
-apostrophe-
S
.

TAYLOR

(glares at MASON and then turns and explains to AVERY)
: I'm not failing. I'm just not passing by as much as I should be.
(turns back to MASON in frustration)
And you said “it” was an imprecise and meaningless word that takes up space and should be avoided as much as possible. So what's the big difference if there's an apostrophe or not if I'm not supposed to use the word in the first place? Geez.

MASON

(sighs and hands TAYLOR a book, pointing to a page)
: Focus.

SOUND CUE #2:
LOUDSPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT: This is a weather update: The severe weather alert for the county immediately adjacent to ours is in effect until four thirty p.m. We are advised that strong winds are moving westward and that occasional rain or thundershowers are forecast with possible street flooding in low-lying areas. Total rainfall amounts are projected to vary between one to two inches.

JORDAN

Isn't that like, a miniscule amount of precipitation that's hardly even noticeable? I swear, this school is the drama queen of the entire district—always making a big deal out of nothing. It's not like anyone just reported seeing animals walking two by two to get on a big boat; it's not that kind of storm.

REGAN

Better safe than sorry. I hope they let us out soon, though; I've got to get over to the senior center by dinnertime because I'm volunteering today. Speaking of dinner: I'm starving. Anyone got anything to eat?

JORDAN

You're going to eat in the bathroom? Next to a stall? Eww.

REGAN

It's not like I was planning to suck water out of the toilet.
(JORDAN tosses REGAN a baggie of trail mix/raisins pulled from a backpack. They start aiming pieces at each other's open mouths like seals at the zoo. DEVON hurls himself on the floor.)

AVERY

(a little panicky)
: Devon is lying down on the floor. Why is Devon lying down on the floor like that?

JORDAN, REGAN, MASON, and TAYLOR

(as one answer)
: Acoustic set.

JORDAN

Devon's resting while the lead vocalist takes the spotlight; it's only for one song.
(DEVON jumps up, starts playing again)
See!

AVERY

(relieved)
: Oh. Okay.

(JORDAN and REGAN are eating, MASON and TAYLOR are studying, DEVON is playing air guitar in the corner. AVERY looks around the room, starting to get uneasy.)

AVERY

So, that's it? We're stuck in the bathroom?

JORDAN

(nodding)
: Yup.

AVERY

For who-knows-how-long?

JORDAN

Looks that way.

REGAN

Pull up some floor, relax.

AVERY

And none of you are worried about the storm?

JORDAN

This school is known for overreacting about bad weather. Someone sees one teeny tiny bolt of lightning in the sky and the whole place is on lockdown. It's nothing.

MASON

Yeah, if it was really bad, they'd be telling us to hide under desks and cover our heads. Like that time last year, remember?
(Everyone except AVERY and DEVON nod)
This is sooooo not a big deal. The teachers haven't even checked on us.

REGAN

(bored voice)
: The weather cell will pass by and then someone will get on the loudspeaker and announce we're free to go. I give the whole containment thing another twenty, thirty minutes tops.

AVERY

I have to call my parents; they don't know where I am. No one knows where I am.

JORDAN

That's not entirely true; WE know where you are.

REGAN

Besides, you're fourteen years old—your folks aren't gonna freak out about where you are at four o'clock in the afternoon on a school day.

AVERY

My parents freak out if I lock the bathroom door when I take a shower.
(reacts to their surprised faces)
What if I slip on a bar of soap, hit my head, get knocked unconscious, land in the water that collects at the bottom of the tub after my forehead bumps the drain thing shut and then drown because they can't get to me fast enough because they're having trouble trying to unlock the door with a Phillips head screwdriver?

JORDAN

And they think that's a likely scenario?

AVERY

My parents have heard of stranger things happening.

TAYLOR

Your parents are neurotic.
(turns to MASON)
Hah! Neurotic: Vocab word.

MASON

Now spell it.

TAYLOR

You're a buzzkill. I used it correctly in a sentence. And I keep telling you: I don't need to know how to spell.

MASON

Yes, you do. We've gone over this before. Spellcheck on your computer is not the same thing as knowing how to spell.

(AVERY starts pacing, tugging at collar, running hands through hair.)

REGAN

(to AVERY)
: You okay?

AVERY

Not really. Is it just me or does this room seem to be running out of, I don't know, oxygen?

JORDAN

Highly unlikely.
(takes deep breath)
Yep, oxygen levels seem fine to me. Look at my hands: My fingertips and nailbeds are nice and pink, which means my O2 saturation is good.

REGAN

(to AVERY)
: Are you getting claustrophobic? Do confined spaces make you uncomfortable?

AVERY

Not as much as the lack of air. Can we open a window?

TAYLOR

During a storm?
(shakes head in disgust)
And people think I'm the dumb one.

JORDAN

No one thinks you're dumb. We think you're disagreeable. Maybe even a little abusive.

MASON

(protesting)
: I think Taylor might be dumb. I think we can't entirely rule out that possibility.

REGAN

(to AVERY, who is starting to pant)
: Sit down and put your head between your knees, breathe deep and slow. We'll all just breathe together, calmly. No one's going to panic or run out of air.
(speaking slowly and carefully, like a hypnotist putting someone under, getting the others to start breathing together too)
It's allllllllllll goooooooooood. Verrrrrry comforting and laaaaid baaaaaaack.

(AVERY, JORDAN, MASON, REGAN, and TAYLOR quietly breathe, synching their breaths, soothing AVERY down together; the room is silent.)

DEVON

ROCK AND ROLL!
(DEVON suddenly starts snapping fingers and head-bobbing, twirling in a funky shuffle-slide across the floor, head back, complete abandon.)

(AVERY squeaks and jumps in surprise at DEVON'S unexpected bellow.)

JORDAN

Thanks, Dev, way to add to the tranquil atmosphere.

(DEVON can't hear JORDAN but fist-pumps and dances in circles as if to agree.)

REGAN

Hey, I know. Let's take our minds off being trapped in the bathroom. Taylor, put the book down and come over here. Wanna be like King Tut?
(starts wrapping Taylor in toilet paper like a mummy. REGAN tosses AVERY a roll.)
Here. Make a mummy cat. The ancient Egyptians used to bury their pets with them, so it's historically valid, plus you'll feel better with something to do.

(MASON and JORDAN start tossing toilet paper rolls at each other, like two-person juggling, keeping three in the air at all times. AVERY's wrapping the cat in toilet paper and starting to smile, breathing has regulated.)

AVERY

Thanks. I do feel a little better.

MASON

Sure you do. Always good to keep your hands busy. Takes your mind off your worries.

JORDAN

So does talking. Let's play “would you rather?”! Mason, would you rather have a job cleaning up after a kangaroo with loose bowels or live in a sweaty giant's work boots?

MASON

I would rather not play “would you rather.” Regan, poke an airhole in the toilet paper so Taylor can breathe. I'm pretty sure someone like Taylor doesn't have any brain cells to spare.

JORDAN

Okay, then, how about “guess who it is by the smell of their armpits”?

REGAN

No fair, I just ran laps before the weather got bad. I stink like fetid death.

JORDAN

(sniffing)
Good point. How about “truth or dare?” Truth: What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?

AVERY

Brought a stuffed cat to school on my first day.

MASON

Well, since you mentioned it: What's the deal?

AVERY

Oh, uh, well, my, uh, my little brother must have, uh, hidden it in my bag this morning. Just snuck it right in there without me even noticing. Because I was worried about the new school.

REGAN

That was thoughtful. Has it helped?

AVERY

If you consider sleeping through the whole day helping, then, yeah, huge assist.

JORDAN

Again, since you brought it up, why'd you sleep all day?

AVERY

I only meant to nap through science. They were dissecting fetal pigs.

REGAN

Squeamish?

AVERY

No. Vegan. I'm not down with animal rights violation. I don't ingest, wear, or partake in the use of animals.
(lifts foot)
Even my shoes are made of canvas and hemp and contain no animal products, by-products, or derivatives.

JORDAN

Why?

AVERY

Because well-planned vegan diets have been found to offer protection against many degenerative conditions, including heart disease.

JORDAN

And that's a legitimate concern for a kid in middle school?

AVERY

My parents have heard of weirder things happening.

TAYLOR

(from behind a mask of toilet paper)
: Mmmumph gurrrrble dunderschmickzen.

MASON

Yeah, what Taylor said: How did “science class” become “all day long?”

AVERY

Once you've gone to sleep at school and missed a class or two—or five—it's kind of hard to find the correct reentry point. Every time I woke up, I worried about calling attention to myself by showing up late to class. So I just rolled over and went back to sleep.

JORDAN

Timing
is
everything. A good entrance is essential when you're attempting to make a strong first impression. I'm feelin' you.

AVERY

Devon's lying down on the floor again. Another acoustic set?

JORDAN, REGAN, and MASON

(as one)
: Intermission.

AVERY

Sure, I should have guessed.
(Devon leaps up, starts playing again; Avery, sounding like an announcer:)
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd welcome to the second half of the show.

SOUND CUE #3:
LOUDSPEAKER ANNOUNCEMENT: Occasional gusts of wind are moving west at nearly three miles per hour. They pose no immediate threat to this area. In the interest of the safety of the population of this school, however, please remain where you are. Until we are assured that all danger has passed, do not emerge from your safe location in an interior room, away from windows and flying objects.

(Everyone, except TAYLOR, who is still wrapped in toilet paper, picks up the nearest roll of toilet paper and hurls it at TAYLOR.)

JORDAN

I'm sure they meant dangerous flying objects.

TAYLOR

(ripping the toilet paper away from face and taking a deep breath)
: What stinks in here?

REGAN

Probably me. I repeat: Just came off the track after running laps.

JORDAN

It might be that we're in a restroom and you don't actually smell anything so much as the environment is highly suggestive to the existence of a malodorous scent.

TAYLOR

(looks confused)
: Hunh?

MASON

Jordy means you're imagining things, Taylor. I don't smell anything
(takes deep breath for emphasis)
. Oh, wait, scratch that: I
do
smell something funky.

(Everyone sniffs. Looks at each other suspiciously. Edges away from the stalls. TAYLOR peers in trash can.)