Sizzling Nights with Dr. Off-Limits (13 page)

“Lucas?”

No change in the even rise and fall of his chest.

“Lucas?” She had to wake him. He couldn't stay.

Only, he still didn't stir. Could she really wake him and send him away when he was so completely exhausted?

She winced.

She didn't want him to sleep in her bed.

But she couldn't bring herself to wake him.

She walked back into the kitchen, put away the food, flipped off the lights, stared at her sofa for long minutes contemplating how comfortable it would be, then sighed.

She didn't have to work tomorrow, but she didn't think she'd sleep a wink on the sofa, either.

Lucas wasn't the only one exhausted.

With her heart pounding and her insides shaking, she went back into the bedroom, studied the sleeping man in her bed.

A man she'd loved. A man she'd hated.

A man... What was it she felt for him now?

She didn't love him. She didn't hate him.

What was this feeling inside her? Definitely, she felt something. Sexual chemistry as she'd claimed? Yes, she felt that, but there was more.

Looking closer, she noted the redness around his eyes.

Dear Lord. He looked as if he'd been crying.

Emily swallowed the knot that formed.

Had he cried in the shower over Kevin Rogers's death?

Her heart tightened to where she couldn't breathe.

Forget the sofa. She crossed the room, turned off the lamplight and snuggled up against a man she suddenly wanted to comfort and protect from the whole world.

Not a feeling she welcomed. Not a feeling she wanted.

But she hugged him and fell asleep with her arm wrapped around him all the same.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

L
UCAS
WOKE
JUST
as light began streaking into the room. A room he'd never seen bathed in the colors of sunrise.

Emily's bedroom.

She'd let him stay the night after they'd had sex.

He frowned. Actually, she'd let him stay even though they hadn't had sex. Emotionally and physically exhausted from Kevin's surgery, then death, he'd lain down meaning to catch only a few minutes of shut-eye to get a second wind and he'd passed out.

Occasionally, a patient got beneath his skin and just got to him. The boy and the utter loss in his parents' eyes when he'd met with them had done so. He'd wanted to be the hero, to repair what he'd known going in might not be fixable. He'd failed and that hadn't been an easy pill to swallow.

Why hadn't Emily awakened him and sent him home?

It was what he'd have expected. Only, she hadn't. She'd crawled into the bed next to him and at some point they'd gotten under the covers. Currently, her backside was spooned up against him and he held her close.

He took a deep breath, catching a faint whiff of vanilla.

Emily.

His Emily.

He kissed the top of her head and realized there was nowhere in the world he'd rather be than holding her.

His ex-wife.

Closing his eyes, he buried his face in her hair and held her close. He wasn't scheduled with patients today, wasn't on call at the hospital. Emily had worked the past three days. She should be off today, too.

If she'd let him, he'd spend the day with her doing whatever she wanted to do.

Until then, he'd count his blessings.

* * *

Even on her days off work, Emily tended to wake bright and early. This morning had been different. She'd been snuggled against a hard male body and she'd slept hours later than she usually did.

Then again, so had Lucas.

She twisted around to look at him. His eyes were closed, but she wasn't sure if he was asleep or awake.

“Good morning, Emily.”

Awake. Heat infused her face. “Morning.”

His eyes opened and he smiled and whatever embarrassment she'd been feeling at getting caught looking at him disappeared.

“Sorry I passed out on you last night.”

“I guess you were tired.”

“I guess I was. Thank you for not throwing me out.”

“We both know it was probably a mistake in letting you stay.”

“How do you figure?”

“Sleeping together is too intimate.”

“Sex isn't?”

“Sex is...sex.”

“Make no mistake, there is shared intimacy when having sex, Emily.”

“I know that. You're not understanding what I mean.”

“Actually, I probably do. You want to keep distinct boundaries that everything between us is only physical.”

“Exactly,” she agreed, smiling, glad he understood.

“It's not going to work.”

Her smile faded. “Why not?”

“Because I want more than physical with you.”

She scooted away from him, sat up and pulled her knees to her. “I can't be friends with you, Lucas. I just can't.”

“Why not?”

“Too much has happened between us for you and me to be friends.”

“We can be lovers, but not friends?”

“I get the feeling you're laughing at me. Whether you understand or not, I'm serious.”

“I know you are and I don't mean to tease you, Emily.”

“Sure you don't.”

“Okay, so maybe I do a little. I always enjoyed teasing you. Like the time I...” He launched into a story about when she'd met his best friend.

“How is Hank?”

“Still same old Hank.”

“Does he know you're working with me?”

Lucas nodded. “He knows.”

“And?”

“And nothing.”

“He didn't warn you that you were crazy or question why you were taking a job that would force you to see your ex-wife day after day?”

“No, he didn't.”

“Why is that?”

“Good question, and one you'd have to ask him.”

“I doubt I'll ever see him again.”

“We could go out with him and his wife tonight.”

“Hank is married?”

“Two years ago. His wife just found out she's pregnant a few months ago.”

Pregnant. Emily's empty uterus spasmed. Lucas almost sounded envious, but she knew better. Or maybe she didn't. He'd said she'd been wrong about his not wanting children.

Was that what had driven him to seek her out? That his best friend had settled down and Lucas realized he was the odd man out?

The possibility seemed hard to fathom, but just his being there, having taken a job at Children's, telling her he wanted to have a relationship with her, his ex-wife, all of it was hard to take in.

“Do you think we'd have kids by now if we hadn't divorced?”

Lucas's question gutted her as surely as if he'd stabbed her. She leaped out of the bed. “It's too early in the morning for questions like those.”

Not glancing his way, she rushed into the bathroom, shut and locked the door. She slid down to the floor and cried tears she refused to let have sound no matter how badly her body shook.

* * *

From the time Emily had emerged from the bathroom, Lucas knew something was different.

There was a hollowness to her eyes, a blankness to her facial expression that told a deeper story.

Plus, she hadn't met his eyes a single time. Not even when he'd cupped her chin and tried to get her to.

She was shutting him out and he felt the gap between them widening with every breath she took.

She was going to end things. In his gut, he knew she was.

A desperation hit him.

He didn't want Emily ending things between them.

He needed her.

A heavy realization to make.

He needed his ex-wife.

“I'm going to call the hospital and find out what Kevin Rogers's funeral arrangements are. I feel I should go.”

Staring into her cup of coffee, Emily nodded.

“Will you go with me, Emily?”

She glanced up, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. “Why?” Her voice squeaked.

“I'm not good at funerals, and especially not a kid's.”

“I—” Her expression pinched. “Lucas, we really don't need to be spending so much time together.”

He'd known it was coming, but her words still punched at him.

“Please go with me.”

Her inner turmoil was palpable in the room, but in the end she nodded. “If you want me there.”

“I want you there.” He needed her there, at his side, where she belonged.

Because Emily belonged beside him.

And he belonged beside her.

The tortured scowl on her face said now wasn't the time to go spouting off about past feelings he'd realized weren't in the past, but present at this very moment.

“What would you like to do today, Emily? I'd really like to spend the day with you.”

* * *

Did Lucas not hear anything she said? Hadn't Emily just said they didn't need to be spending so much time together?

Yet she'd agreed to go to a funeral with him. Because the memory of how he'd looked when he'd shown up at her apartment, at how his red puffy eyes had looked even in sleep, had left her unable to do anything other than be there.

She hated that.

She hated how entangled he was becoming in her life. If she didn't put a stop to it, every aspect of her life would soon be taken over by him. Then what?

She knew.

If she let Lucas invade everything, when he moved on to the next phase of his life, she'd be a devastated wreck as she'd been five years ago.

Only, she wouldn't. Not this time.

She was stronger. She'd picked herself up, rebuilt a life for herself even after suffering horrendous blows. She was a survivor, and no matter what he did, she would survive. Plus, she didn't have crazy hormones influencing how she thought, causing a constant flow of tears.

But she wasn't so masochistic as to continue to let him worm his way into her very being.

She needed time away from him.

“I have other plans today, Lucas.” Actually, she really did. She was taking a bus to Brooklyn to visit her parents.

Then again, her mother might take one look at her and know Lucas was back. That wouldn't go over well. Maybe she'd bail on her parents and spend the day running errands or something.

“Can't you change them?”

She shook her head. “I can't.”

“I'd hoped to take you to visit the Statue of Liberty.”

“Tempting, but no, thanks. I'm going to my parents'.”

He winced. “I guess I wouldn't be a welcomed addition.”

“Not if I want to keep my father out of jail.”

“That bad?”

Her parents had never thought she should marry Lucas, didn't believe in divorce, but had comforted her after the demise of her marriage and the aftermath. Lucas showing up on their doorstep would be that bad.

“You divorced his baby girl, what do you think?”

* * *

Despite fear her mother would see right through her, Emily opted to still go see her parents. Her mother eyed her suspiciously, but, other than to ask her if she'd changed her hair, she hadn't pried.

Emily hadn't stayed long for fear she might break down and spill everything. Her mother had been there during that awful time after she'd left Lucas. Her poor mama didn't deserve to have those worries put on her, so Emily kept silent, hugged them bye and headed out.

That was when she caught sight of the majestic lady standing tall in the Hudson Bay.

Without really questioning herself, she bought a ticket and rode the ferry out to the island, poked around, read facts and wished she'd been able to reserve in time to go to the top.

“Emily?”

She spun, surprised to see the man she'd said goodbye to that morning standing near the base of the statue. “What are you doing here?”

“I mentioned bringing you here this morning, remember?”

Yes, she remembered. “I said no, thanks.”

“Yet we're both here.” He gave a whimsical look, as if he couldn't believe she was there. “I decided to go for a walk to clear my head. I ended up buying a ticket, riding in the top of one of those tour-bus things and taking a ferry here.”

“You rode on top of one of those tour buses?” She couldn't picture him having done so.

“Yep.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a receipt. “I even have proof.”

“Why?”

“Someone accused me of having educational gaps. I filled in quite a few as the tour guide informed me where all the celebs live in Manhattan.”

“I'm not sure riding in one of those tour buses counts as filling in educational gaps.”

“Believe me, gaps were filled during that experience.”

She narrowed her gaze. He was smiling, looked more relaxed and rested than she'd seen him look in days.

“Maybe I need to take a ride, too.”

“I'd buy you a ticket.”

“I can buy my own ticket,” she immediately said.

“I know, but sometimes I'd like to buy you things, Emily, and surely a bus ticket isn't something you'd find offensive.”

“Fine.” She pressed her lips tightly together and smiled. “Let's go ride on top of a bus.”

* * *

The ferry ride back to Battery Park was uneventful. They stood outside and the mist of the bay probably kinked Emily's hair, but she didn't care.

When they arrived, Lucas bought her a bus tour ticket, and they took seats at the back. It wasn't crowded, so it was only the two of them on the back row of five seats. They took the middle ones and Lucas immediately took her hand into his.

Emily was tempted to pull away but didn't want him to question why she did so when it was just holding hands and they'd done so much more over the past few weeks.

Yet his big strong hand laced with hers seemed to signify so much that wasn't real. Would never be real.

The more she didn't acknowledge that, didn't deal with that, the harder all this became.

A half hour later, Lucas squeezed her hand and grinned. “Admit it. This is fun.”

“Exhilarating,” she said halfheartedly. Actually, she was enjoying the tour but kept battling that she'd ended up spending the day with him anyway.

He laughed. “Tell me what you really think.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, the weather is great.”

It was. Not too cool. Not too hot.

“The company is great, too.”

“And so modest.”

“I meant that you were great company, Emily. Not me.”

“You're not so bad.”

“But you don't really want to be with me.”

No, she didn't. Yet she did.

“You have to admit, our being together is pretty crazy.”

“Crazier things have happened than you and me getting back together.”

Back together? Where had that come from?

“We're not back together, Lucas.”

“Maybe we should.”

She shook her head. “No, we shouldn't.”

“Why not?”

“Because...” She struggled to come up with a verbal answer, but a thousand reasons floated just beyond her tongue's reach. She knew they did.

“It's not something we have to decide at this moment, Emily. But I've told you a dozen times how much I want you in my life. You need to think about what you want.”

“I can't do this, Lucas. I thought I could, but I can't.”

Had she really just said that while on top of a tour bus with a bunch of tourists? Sure, the closest ones were a few seats up, but this wasn't a place for a private conversation.

Concern darkened his face. “You're getting motion sick?”

“Us, not the tour bus.” Although, suddenly she couldn't do that anymore, either. Fortunately, the bus pulled over to a stop. Emily stood and headed to the front of the bus and the stairs that would lead her out of it.